To feel like I am too exhausted to be a proper mum any more

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Just not the mum I want to be. When I just had DD (who is now 4) we did so much together and I felt we had such a closeness, since the arrival of DS (16 months) and COVID everything just seems so much harder.
DS sleeps terribly, he is 16 months but still up numerous times throughout the night and often takes absolutely ages to get him to go to sleep or even to nap. Still on the boob and if I don’t feed him to sleep he literally screams and screams until I can’t take any more and just give him the bloody boob.
He is very different to DD in that whereas I could entertain her with activities/books etc and she has always been very affectionate and likes to stay close by, he is a little tornado who literally won’t sit still, all he wants to do is run and climb. DD has literally never had a proper tantrum in her life but DS loses his shit every half an hour about something. I honestly can’t keep up with him.
So as not to drip feed, we have had huge issues with renovating our house meaning (won’t bore you with the details as this would be a 10000000 word post otherwise) that the 4 of us are camped out in the downstairs of the house. We are supposed to be selling the house but I am convinced our buyers are going to pull out. I coped with the house situation previously by ensuring me and DD were always very busy going to various toddler groups/soft play/the playground etc but obviously with going into lockdown when DS was 6 weeks old for most of his first year we were trapped in just the downstairs of our house. If our house sale falls through I honestly don’t know what I will do, I really can’t cope living like this any more.
OH works long hours and is never home from work until after bath time etc. Even when he is home, to be honest although he is a kind and loving dad who adores his kids, I wouldn’t say he is massively helpful. I do feel like he very much sees it as he is the earner and the kids are my job, but what he doesn’t appreciate is that I don’t get to clock in and out, especially with our sons sleep the way it is, I literally never get a break. No family to ask for help and my friends, although all lovely, have all got young children of their own to manage so I don’t feel I could put on them by asking them for help.
I feel like I am a totally different mother to the one I used to be. I was always very patient and caring with DD, whereas now I am way too quick to shout and my patience is almost non existent. I used to take DD out constantly however tired I was, whereas with the two of them I find it so hard. DS hates even having his hand held, likes to run off and is going through a phase of only wanting to go on the swings, and poor DD is basically made to just follow me as I try to contain DS and keep him safe.
I often have dark thoughts about suicide and how if I didn’t have my children I would easily just take an overdose or gas myself in the car or something. I always feel torn between thinking how I could never put them through such trauma and wouldn’t life be better for them not having a burnt out, miserable mum who has no energy or patience left and just goes through the motions of making sure they are safe, clean and fed and not that much else. That’s what any paid caregiver would do so it’s not like I’m even fulfilling the “mothering” part of my job any more, for which I despise myself.
DD goes to preschool 2.5 days a week which she loves, she is due to start school in September and apart from dreading it as I will miss her so much, I also feel so sad that our time together is over and she won’t remember the mother I used to be to her, just the shouting, miserable witch I have been since DS has been born.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for from this post, I suppose just to hear from anyone who has felt a similar way and to hear someone say this is normal and it will get easier and I’m not fucking my relationship with my kids up by being too sad and exhausted to do the things I used to do.

You poor thing.

I did “fake it until you make it” for a very long time with DS2. Who still sleeps atrociously at 5 but has grown into a much more affectionate child than his older child. But gosh it was hard.

Can you go back to work and use childcare? I do think if I’d been stuck in your circumstances I’d have sunk very low, but children in childcare have me perspective and time to be a better parent.
L

I've been where you are more than once. Once with a country move , pregnant with toddler.. another time house renovation, toddler and baby who never, ever slept and remained that way until 4 years old and 3rd time with another renovation , lockdown and 2 older kids and toddler who didn't sleep so well...
I will get flamed for this but every single parent I know in rl who has a girl and then a boy finds the boy way harder work and more on the go physically. All of my dcs are boys and are all totally different and I massively encourage art, music, loads of things that I'm interested in but one thing they have in common they were very , very physical, busy toddlers. It's nothing to do with how they are being raised , we don't accept bad behaviour etc.

We had to do the renovations and work and I was totally wreaked and we also had zero family help. I bf also but as the got older and the sleep in 2 of my ds got worse my dh would go in at night and removed myself from the situation, improved the sleep overall but still loads of hiccups. Swapping over was the only way though.

It's not a boy/girl thing - my DD2 sounds really like OP's DS, while my DD1 was very placid and quiet, happy to play alone etc. I suspect it's far more to do with birth order than gender.

Welcome to having a boy! They are an absolute handful and if you get a particularly active one, your most important job is just to try to prevent them injuring themselves each day. I wept as my friends with girls sat and hugged their DD , reading a book or doing a puzzle, while DSs whacked me repeatedly over the head with whatever they had to hand and regularly bolted for the nearest exit. We also had a bad sleeper, soft play and swimming lessons will help to exhaust them to the point that they cannot physically wake up at night. Get them up early, let them have a short nap during the day and then keep them up a bit later. Best of luck to you z

Also for what it's worth I think it's easy being a perfect parent when you have one child..I've seen this over and over again. Particularly if your second is more challenging than your first and even if not there's just more to juggle.
I am more than happy to be corrected on the sex of child thing, it's something I hear all the time in RL but could just be those particular situations.
We had to just get through it and were absolutely exhausted for a long time , we were relatively youngish though so think we had a bit of extra energy there, at 36 now I can't imagine getting up multiple times a night now and working and moving/renovating. We tried with babysitters but couldn't relax at some basically stranger taking put v young dc ok so just gavd up and worked on the houses in the evenings, weekends. It's tough but if you can try and nap maybe at all during the day? My dc would watch cartoons for a bit and I could rest

Right - you need to tackle DS' sleep as a priority. My DC was the same, my DSis is a consultant paediatrician and she told me there's literally zero evidence of harm caused by controlled crying (the Ferber method). Some folk occasionally quote a study suggesting stress levels are elevated in infants who are allowed to cry continuously, but that study was done in Romanian orphanages where babies were essentially ignored for long periods. Modern methods work very well for most families and do not cause harm.

We did it at 19 months, it took 5 nights till DS was sleeping through, we were kicking ourselves for not doing it earlier (it's safe from 6 months unless your baby is very underweight).

Once you sort out the sleep, everything else will feel so much more doable, sleep deprivation makes life feel like wading through thick clay. Coming out the other side is like being reborn!

My DD2 is a total whirlwind and very easy to anger, she has oppositional defiance disorder and sensory issues. I really struggled for such a long time when I had both kids alone and I went back to work full time when DD2 was 7months old just to get a break and feel like me again. With time it does get easier, personally I found from 6m to around 3yrs extremely hard with both DC, and after age 3 it gets significantly easier as the DC have language skills and you can appreciate and interact with them as more of a little person than just an angry ball of toddler emotions!

*our very young dc out

I hit. Yabu cos I was thinking no you're not a crap mum etc etc.
Don't do suicide. You will fuck up their lives for ever. They will not be better off for it.
Do immediately hire a night nanny for a few days or put DS into nursery a bit or scream at your dh to take 2 days off work because you are exhausted. And rest for 2 days solid.
Sleep exhaustion is a bitch. It robs you of the joy in life.
Book some marriage counselling - your dh isnt getting this. He's standing by watching you go under and doing nothing. He needs to buck his ideas up about support.

I felt like you op when I had my 2nd child. He was a terrible sleeper and I got v bad depression. Citalopram helped me until my son finally slept through aged 3! He is an absolute joy now, I promise it will get better. You’ve given your dd the gift of someone to play with when they’re older. Also your dd is young and won’t remember these early days don’t worry. Best of luck to you

@fat13

I must admit I thought that. I also wouldn’t be happy about neighbours taking my kids out alone unless I knew them really well.

Yeah... one offer, fine, very sweet. Maybe two max. After that, just no!

Your post really resonated with me, OP. I found going from one to two DC incredibly hard. I have DD (7), DS (2.5) and work full time and some days are still very hard, I'm still permanently tired a lot of the time but it has definitely gotten easier. DS sleeps better now, although he still wakes early and still has the odd bad night that's manageable, unlike the chronic sleep deprivation you're still experiencing which makes everything feel like the end of the world. He's talking now and can communicate what he wants and what he doesn't like so the tantrums are easier to deal with. I still feel guilty that I can't give DD my undivided attention, but she loves her Brother to bits. Now they can actually play together and he's more spontaneously affectionate with her I can see that she's really benefiting from having a sibling, whereas for the first 18 months I was worried that we'd ruined her life (not to mention ours) by having another child! I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I've been where you are and it is a very dark place to be, but now there's light at the end of the tunnel.

OP, do you think your husband fully understands how exhausted and overwhelmed you feel? You must try and have a frank conversation. Don't think you would burden him, it is much better to have extra responsibilities at home than a suicidal wife.
You need some practical help, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Can you afford any childcare at all for your son? Even 1 day?

Please please seek help for the suicidal thoughts, that is more than just feeling overwhelmed and needs to be dealt with.

I have 3 children, boy, girl, boy and my girl and younger boy sound very like yours. Girl is now 6 and she's just a dream, so easy, always been such a little smiler and so easy to entertain. Younger DS is 4 and he's like a tornado, never stops, always giving out and just a totally different kettle of fish(he's also extremely affectionate and loveable). They need to be managed so differently but it's really taken me until this year to realise that and realise that I need to change how I deal with my son rather than expecting him to change his nature.

1. You are doing a fantastic job, your little girl won't remember much of this age so don't worry, she knows you love her and that's enough.
2. Tell your husband that parenting is full on and full-time for both parents, and you can't cope unless he pulls his weight.

Remind yourself every single day that you are in a shite situation, and you are getting through it. It won't be like this forever. But your husband, he has to help.

I was/am the same with my two.
Don't feel bad they're different DC. DD was a pleasure and DS is a very moany demanding DC with no patience.
Some DC are like that it's shit, give yourself a break.
It's not you it's him.
It gets easier. ❤

That’s really tough, anyone would feel overwhelmed in those circumstances.
Tell tour hubby you have suicidal thoughts. You can work it out together. Your kids are young and won’t remember you being grumpy - I can’t remember that sort of stuff from that age can you? Get some help / talk to the dr, see if you can put your boy in day care for a couple of days/ hours a week to give yourself break. Sounds like he needs to burn off some energy - are there any toddler football classes near you?

Thankyou for all of your replies. He didn’t go to sleep until gone 9.30, at which point I finally ate, showered and pointlessly looked at my phone until 11, he was awake again before 1am and I am still sitting here with him on the boob. I tried giving him to OH but he just screamed and as mentioned we are all sleeping in the same room so the screams just go through me and I can’t get any sleep even if I was happy to just let him get on with it with his dad (which I’m not as he sounds so hysterical),not to mention it disturbs DD too. I wish I hadn’t bothered breastfeeding, feels like all I’ve done is make my already shit life harder. I feel really stuck as sitting up all night is sapping the life out of me but I don’t have the energy to deal with his screaming if I don’t give it to him.

@Toomuchtooyoung01 I’ve been a little where you are. And to be honest, I can’t really remember getting out of it, but I am. Sending you love.

But also, in the daytime, encouragement to talk to a doctor. And to your husband. Show him this thread if you need to xxx

Speak to your gp and health nurse to check is there any underlying reason. Can you just stop breastfeeding, he will be hysterical however it'll pass and if it is the reason for him not sleeping he'll stop.
I would keep saying it's all gone. I was in a similar situation on my 2nd, a horrible dark cloud, I felt like I was carrying another person on my back.
It really gets better, I wouldn't wish a high need baby with bad sleep on my worst enemy.

He’s genuinely so beautiful (people constantly stop me to tell me how cute he is)
and has the cheekiest smile and laugh, and seems so happy when he’s running about, I feel horrible, really horrible basically complaining about him, like I’m betraying him. I look at them both and feel racked with guilt and self loathing that I can’t just enjoy the two beautiful children I’ve been blessed with, and instead exist miserably making everyone around me miserable and probably giving them mummy doesn’t love me issues

Your living situation is causing a huge amount of stress and you need a break. Please, please, please speak to your husband and tell him how you feel. You can’t go on like this and you shouldn’t have to.

Stop feeling horrible you are overwhelmed by your situation, visit the gp and ask for help outside the family if anyone trustworthy can give you a break.
Picture 2 years from now he'll be a walking talking little pleasure, much easier in every way. You can get there.

@LuaDipa To be completely honest, every time I tell OH how much the house situation and lack of sleep is affecting me, he just says it’s the same for him too. “You’re not the only one not getting any sleep around here” which infuriates me as yes he may well be disturbed by DS but I’m the only one who’s actually getting up with the kids, both in the night and in the morning, and I’m the only one who’s making sure they’re eating, dressed, cleaned their teeth etc while he lounges on the fucking sofa looking at his phone, the arsehole
Not once has he ever said to me let me get up with them, let me take them out and you have some rest
He just fills me with rage but that’s another thread!

Can you rent an air bnb close to your house for the weekend. Your husband can stay home with DS and sleep train/wean him and you and DD have a mini break at the airbnb. It might take 3 nights, but it will work if DS has no options.