Don't want to leave my baby

[babyblues21]

When did you feel ready to leave your baby to go for a night out? I have PND which might be affecting my judgement here as I have huge anxiety about baby being out of my sight/care. Baby is 10 weeks old. I have an opportunity for a night out in 4 weekends time (baby will be looked after by DP). Nothing huge just a meal and a couple drinks with friends. For some reason I just feel sick at the thought of leaving her even for this short time (DP is very capable and hands on Dad - no reason to feel worried with her in his care). But I'm just so anxious and also a part of me feels guilty for even considering it when she's so little.

DP and my friends are encouraging me to go but instead of feeling excited I just want to cry at the thought of it. Am I being silly? Would you leave your baby at 3 months for a night out?

@Recessed

I would say too this is how you become the default parent. If you never leave her with her dad he will not learn how to look after her solo and then you can't complain in a year or so when you're dying for some space from a tantrumming toddler but she won't stay with anyone but you!

I do worry about this too, how will I ever be able to leave her with anyone (especially nursery at 8 months) if I've never left her side before then 🙈

I would leave my baby at 3 months for a night out. I had to leave my baby at 3 months to work and was happy to do so (pnd). We’re all different though.

I left him happily with dad for a couple hours at a couple weeks old to go food shopping, and a week or two later to go for coffee with a friend.

I do think it’s really important not to position yourself inadvertently as the only one who can care for DD and not to block her father from caring for her on his own. I’d go. Build it up if you like, go out for an hour to a coffee shop on your own the first time.

I didn’t feel able to leave him with anyone but us until he was about nine months old, but my husband? He’s his father. It’s fine.

Please don't force yourself before you're ready. Leaving baby to go out for a coffee or other enjoyable pursuit is meant to be enjoyable
It's entirely normal to not want to be away from your baby at that age or be parted for long. It's not necessarily an indicator of PND.

I EBF and had PND which coloured the situation, but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving DS until after 20 weeks, and even that was just with DH so I could go for a walk / meet friends / sleep. I would suggest do whatever feels right. If leaving him doesn’t feel right yet then don’t do it.

I think its normal for many women even without PND to feel like this. Many do and many don't

I wouldn't have been able to leave either of mine that young for an evening out. That doesn't mean you shouldn't, it all depends on what you're comfortable with. If it will stress you out, don't do it as you wont enjoy it anyway.

My youngest is 18 months and still sometimes I don't like the idea of leaving them in the evening to go to work. It does get easier when they're older though, they just guilt trip me now.

I know some people have said it's fine as he's her father, and I know that and I trust him completely. But it's not that straightforward because my PND is linked to a traumatic experience I had when I was a little girl myself (don't want to go into detail but I was abandoned by my own mother). As a result I have a horrible anxiety about my baby thinking I've abandoned her and if anything was to happen to her while I wasn't there I'd blame myself forever. I feel a huge weight of responsibility on my own shoulders.

It really depends on what you're comfortable with...I remember going out for a few hours when DS was around 3 months and a midwife said "What are you doing leaving him for that long?!" Made me feel like I'd done something really wrong! But it was fine.

I never had anxiety about leaving him though. Baby steps like others have suggested sounds good - going out with friends with baby, then without baby, then out for the night.

You really don’t have to go. I wouldn’t have but to be honest I’d have been too tired - I was in bed at 8 when ds was that age (and still sometimes am!)

It's early days, and you don't have to. Friends who are arsey about it aren't the kind of people you need in your life.

Do what makes you comfortable, the hormones are powerful...

I don't think I managed to leave any of mine (3) until they were over 6 months at least. It just felt wrong...and then one day it didn't.

Ignore pressure from others and go with your own feelings. We give ourselves far too much grief from trying to go with others expectations.

I think you have to/do recognise that this isn't a rational fear but post natal depression/your childhood. Maybe you could work your way up to it, ie start with small trips out without her and maybe you'd be ready to go out with your friend in 4 weeks maybe it would be 8 weeks. Maybe just go for a couple of drinks.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to go out but having a fear of leaving her when you know she is well looked after is not great for you or her dad. And as you say if you don't leave her at all until you go back to work that's going to be very hard on you both then.

My baby is only 5 weeks old and I’m going on a date night with DH and baby will be with my mum and my older 2. We will only be a couple of hours for a meal and I’m not drinking so I don’t feel bad about it at all. We all need a break us mums are human too

If you cling to her you are sending her signals that she is not safe without you.
That will cause probs for you in the future if she becomes clingy too.

You have done all that is necessary She will be safe.......you will be safe.
Please leave her for a couple of hours and prove to yourself it is ok.

@babyblues21

I know some people have said it's fine as he's her father, and I know that and I trust him completely. But it's not that straightforward because my PND is linked to a traumatic experience I had when I was a little girl myself (don't want to go into detail but I was abandoned by my own mother). As a result I have a horrible anxiety about my baby thinking I've abandoned her and if anything was to happen to her while I wasn't there I'd blame myself forever. I feel a huge weight of responsibility on my own shoulders.

It’s good that you recognise where this is coming from.

You have two options here. Allow your very real trauma to impact your baby by refusing to be apart from her, potentially leading to future issues where she herself panics when she’s without you and doesn’t feel comfortable or settle without you, and current issues where your husband is left feeling like he’s a secondary parent.

Or recognise that while these feelings are real, the conclusions you’re drawing aren’t necessarily accurate (that she’ll feel abandoned if you go out without her) and challenge yourself to disprove them. Go out for half an hour first, then an hour, build it up. Every time you do it you will feel stronger and realise that spending a few hours away from her isn’t going to do a thing to your bond with her and she has no ability to feel the complex emotions you’re painting onto her due to your experiences. You’ll be facilitating her having a strong relationship with her dad and ensuring that you’re not risking a situation in the future where she can’t bear to be without you, can’t settle at nursery, you end up burnt out because you’re never able to be away from her even once you want to. You’ll gain peace of mind knowing that if something happened to you and you were hospitalised she’ll be fine with her dad as she’s used to it.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But you have choices here

A good friend of mine didn’t leave her baby with her father, at all, until she returned to work at 12m. It was awful. Baby is now two years old and still struggles to be settled or soothed by her father, only mum will do. Friend is exhausted, dad feels useless and surplus to requirements. Nursery was a nightmare for three entire months because she couldn’t cope without her mum there, it’s all she’d ever known. There were additional factors in that she continued breastfeeding for so long and didn’t know how to stop because she didn’t know how to settle her or parent without her breasts (in her words). But she wasn’t willing to try her with a bottle in the first few months (she felt that being ebf was crucial so she could use it as an excuse to never be away from her child) and missed the window for baby accepting one.

I’m all for people following their gut when it comes to leaving their new babies with others, but I don’t think it’s healthy for the baby not to be allowed to spend time with the other parent alone.

You might not have the time or energy currently but you can access therapy on the NHS for trauma instantly when you’re pregnant or up to one year postnatal. Please don’t feel you have to live with this trauma and the effect on your baby permanently, you can change this around if you want to, there’s support out there.

My son was about 15 months when I first left him with anyone at all, including my DH.

Take your time, it’s not strange to feel like this. As someone upthread said, there definitely comes a time when you’re ready, but ten weeks is very young so don’t beat yourself up about it. Maybe try shorter trips out in the day for a coffee etc first. Your baby your rules.

I wouldn't with my first but would with my second. Only do what makes you happy

I still haven't and she's 18 months old 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have spent an hour or so away from her during the day, when her dad has taken her out for a bit.

If you're not ready, don't do it. Are the other women mums?

@babyblues21

I know some people have said it's fine as he's her father, and I know that and I trust him completely. But it's not that straightforward because my PND is linked to a traumatic experience I had when I was a little girl myself (don't want to go into detail but I was abandoned by my own mother). As a result I have a horrible anxiety about my baby thinking I've abandoned her and if anything was to happen to her while I wasn't there I'd blame myself forever. I feel a huge weight of responsibility on my own shoulders.

Are you having any therapy for your past trauma? You're anxiety over leaving your baby makes sense if you were abandoned yourself. Hopefully you are getting help to overcome this, as there will be many times as baby grows where you will have to hand over the reigns to others - childminder, school etc. If you are not ready to take the step of leaving her by the time your evening out comes around then don't feel forced. But it might be a good idea to try, drive yourself there, have dinner and leave if necessary. Let your friends know that you are struggling a little with pnd if you feel able to tell them. They will be more understanding on the evening and who knows, they may have been through similar and can help.

I haven't left my one year old at night yet. I suffered from PND too and tbh I struggle going to work three days a week.
No way I'll be leaving him by choice at the moment.

@babyblues21 I think some of what your feeling is "typical" I think your extreme anxiety around feeling that is your PND/PTSD. Hopefully that makes sense?

I wasn't thrilled at leaving my DC in others care whether at 9 weeks or much older but I had zero feeling that I was abandoning them, more that I could care for them the "best" which obviously is pretty logical when you look after them alone most of the time and are breast feeding.

I wouldn't at that age. I didn't want to so I didn't. My DC are 6 and 4 now and go off to school and preschool happily and I've just come back from two nights with friends; staying close to a tiny baby isn't going to make them a clingy child

@babyblues21

I feel sorry for my DP as he's a very capable loving Dad, but my stupid anxiety gets in the way and I just want to take her off him and comfort her myself. Is this normal?

I mean this as gently as possible, but I think you recognize this is concerning. If you’re sure DP is a responsible adult, then it is important for him to build an independent and empowered relationship with your DC! Please, please seek help for your anxiety. This isn’t fair to your DP, to your DC, or indeed to you! Postnatal anxiety is so hard, but it is addressable. We’re all rooting for you. :-)