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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to leave my baby

99 replies

babyblues21 · 26/06/2021 12:52

When did you feel ready to leave your baby to go for a night out? I have PND which might be affecting my judgement here as I have huge anxiety about baby being out of my sight/care. Baby is 10 weeks old. I have an opportunity for a night out in 4 weekends time (baby will be looked after by DP). Nothing huge just a meal and a couple drinks with friends. For some reason I just feel sick at the thought of leaving her even for this short time (DP is very capable and hands on Dad - no reason to feel worried with her in his care). But I'm just so anxious and also a part of me feels guilty for even considering it when she's so little.

DP and my friends are encouraging me to go but instead of feeling excited I just want to cry at the thought of it. Am I being silly? Would you leave your baby at 3 months for a night out?

OP posts:

moose62 · 26/06/2021 13:46

You must remember that she is your DH daughter too and it must be hard not to feel trusted. I had no choice when I had my first and returned to full time work when she was 12 weeks old, and it hurt and I was ridden with anxiety but it all worked out fine. Just let go gradually. Go out for a 30 minute walk without her and build it up.

bookh · 26/06/2021 13:49

We are all different, just do what makes you happy.

My lovely sil, who I get in with exceptionally well, went to Mauritius for two weeks and left ten month old. A week with me and a week with grandparents. Baby was fine, she enjoyed her holiday.

I have anxiety and left dd2 to have dd1 and that's about it. Save for couple of hours play school.

My sister happily leaves hers, my brothers wife does not.

Just you do what you feel best with.

Original poster

babyblues21 · 26/06/2021 13:49

@moose62

I know and I feel bad because I don't want him to think I don't trust him. It's just so hard to cope with the anxiety when I'm apart from her. I'll be going back to work when she's 8 months so I'll have no choice but to leave her then, and I know it's going to be even harder to do that if I've never left her before

OP posts:

Onestep2021 · 26/06/2021 13:49

You don’t need to push yourself to do it.
I was the same with my firstborn.
But it did ease just by itself as the months went by.
I was less like it with my second. Only thing I would say is that when my mum really pushed to finally go out with friends I was convinced I’d be too worried to enjoy it. But once there I realised how good for me it was and really enjoyed myself...

Justgettingbye · 26/06/2021 13:50

Mine was FF from birth and i wouldn't have felt ready although no one asked so haven't experienced it.

I've been out when mine were slightly older (around 7 months) and above and it was bloody lovely and much needed. You need to feel comfortable with who they're being left with

EarlGreywithLemon · 26/06/2021 13:53

A handhold from me. Please don’t worry, don’t stress, don’t push yourself. You don’t need to force yourself to do anything you don’t want to do. Everything will come in its own time, in the meantime be gentle with yourself. So what if you’re not ready to leave the baby yet? My mother came to visit from abroad for a week when our daughter was 6 weeks old and tried to hold her all the time. I felt like my right arm had been chopped off and I hated it. She tried to send me off to the cinema and look after her- well meant I’m sure, but the very last thing I wanted to do. Others are totally OK with it though. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel - just go with what you want to do!

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/06/2021 13:53

You don't have to take on guilt regarding your DH, I'm sure he understands that it's not about him.

It's a lot easier to start off with a short meet up in the daytime near where you live, and build up to longer times apart. It's worth getting used to it gently so that you are more prepared for when you return to work.

Juniperr · 26/06/2021 13:54

My son is 18 months and never been left… the pandemic hasn’t helped though as it’s been so long now that it feels even worse to go. My first was about 4/5 months I think but everyone is different.

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 26/06/2021 13:58

My oldest is 2 in a few months, only left him once when my second was born, and only because it was necessary. He was fine and had a great time, I just don't want to leave them with anyone else and won't any time soon.
My partner is the exception, I'm more than happy for him to have them alone.

Thehop · 26/06/2021 13:59

They’ve all been about 4 🙈

Recessed · 26/06/2021 14:00

I couldn't wait to run out the door once I knew they were safe and in the arms of a capable dad/grandmother then I just expressed and joyously left for a bit of normality. I think my first was about two weeks old when I went out to dinner. Was only gone a couple of hours but I bet you'll feel great afterwards. It's nice to feel like your old self again, rip off the plaster and have fun!

Recessed · 26/06/2021 14:03

I would say too this is how you become the default parent. If you never leave her with her dad he will not learn how to look after her solo and then you can't complain in a year or so when you're dying for some space from a tantrumming toddler but she won't stay with anyone but you!

TradedAtlanta · 26/06/2021 14:06

Sorry to repeat others, but it really doesn't matter what other people think and did - only what you want to do. Clearly your DH, family and friends are trying to help with your PND and anxiety but you feel it isnt the type of help you're looking for. I also had PND and anxiety. I remember when DD was about 6 months old I had to go for an hour to pick something up from IKEA (DH doesn't drive) and I was desperate to get back. When I got there she was fast asleep in his arms 🤦🏼‍♀️. It has gradually lessened over time and I have no problem leaving for work or to go out for the evening now. I've still never missed bed time though. There isn't a 'right' way to parent. Sometimes I wish I'd left her with grandparents occasionally so I felt comfortable me and DH going out without her, but that wasn't me and it wasn't her and things are fine just as they are.

EarlGreywithLemon · 26/06/2021 14:07

Just to add that she is now at nursery and her dad has no issues looking after her. So me not wanting to leave her when she was tiny had absolutely no long term impact

orangejuicer · 26/06/2021 14:08

I think it's quite normal to feel like this OP. Do what you feel comfortable with.

If you don't want to leave her then don't. However, this could be a really nice opportunity for your DO to have some time with her and it's a good test run for you.

It gets easier - the guilt doesn't go away but doing things for you is very important. Also, if you find it easier then baby won't be stressed by you leaving or popping out in future as she gets older.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

firstimemamma · 26/06/2021 14:08

I first left ds at 15 months. At 3 months there just would've been no way I'd have considered it. I don't judge others who think differently as it's such an individual decision but as you sound unhappy with leaving your child that young you need to stand your ground and not give in to any pressure.

Polkadots2021 · 26/06/2021 14:10

Aww OP its.just an evolutionary reflex, your hormones are ranging at the moment to focus everything you have on baby protection and looking after a baby. Don't force it, it's fine to feel how you do!

Anonymouslyposting · 26/06/2021 14:18

I first went for a walk away from my baby at 4months, lunch around 6 months and an evening out at 8 months. But DD is a lockdown baby so there hasn’t been anywhere to go for most of her life.

I felt weird going out without her but quickly relaxed as DH and DM were responsive in telling me everything was ok if I texted. I’d encourage you to go as then you’ll be able to get used to it and it’s so nice to have a break - you can always come home it you need to.

But your baby is still tiny so if you think you will be too uncomfortable to enjoy yourself then don’t force it - there’s plenty of time to get used to going out so feel free to rake it slow.

dottiedodah · 26/06/2021 14:38

I think it would be good to go . Your DP will be able to look after her ,so she will be in good hands .Maybe just go for a couple of hours if you can?

Musmerian · 26/06/2021 14:43

Do what you feel happy with. People seem obsessed with mothers getting back to normal ‘ whether that’s losing baby weight or going out. Having a baby is life changing. I didn’t leave my first until she was about 18 months - I just wasn’t ready.

MissChanandlerBong90 · 26/06/2021 14:49

There’s no right or wrong - it depends on you and I also think it depends a lot on the baby. I couldn’t have left my baby even for an evening at that age, just because of the way he was. I think I first left him for an evening somewhere around 10/11 months. I felt ready and really enjoyed it. All that matters is what you feel comfortable with.

Clearly your DH, family and friends are trying to help with your PND and anxiety but you feel it isnt the type of help you're looking for.

I have to say how much I agree with this. They’ve got the best intentions but it’s ok to say to someone if their attempts at helping are slightly misguided and not what you need right now.

JustWonderingIfYou · 26/06/2021 14:53

I think its normal. Shocked at the poster suggesting it's pnd because you don't want to yet saying normal to leave a 9 week old to return to work! I'd think pnd more likely if you'd happily leave your tiny newborn.

Its natural, your hormones and instinct tell you not to leave your vulnerable infant. Don't go if you don't want to although it is good if you can enjoy yourself and relax a bit .

BabyFartsDoStink · 26/06/2021 15:10

Try not to feel guilty. When you're ready, that time away is lovely for her and her dad. It will help them bond and also ensure he continues to be capable so things won't always fall to you. You deserve time away whether it's an our or an evening.

TradedAtlanta · 26/06/2021 15:16

@JustWonderingIfYou mentioning PND because it's right there in the OP!

Original poster

babyblues21 · 26/06/2021 15:20

@JustWonderingIfYou

Its natural, your hormones and instinct tell you not to leave your vulnerable infant. Don't go if you don't want to although it is good if you can enjoy yourself and relax a bit .

I have been diagnosed with PND so I think that's what they meant. I'm not sure if my judgement is skewed about this because of my illness or whether this would be normal for most new mums hence why I'm asking.

OP posts:

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