To not understand the big deal about asking for money as a gift

[ChickenLittle27]

Firstly, I will just say that I don’t expect anything, whether that be money or gifts from anyone, however if people do ask me what I’d like for my birthday or Christmas I normally just say surprise me (who doesn’t love a surprise). This time it’s a bit different.

I’m currently in the process of applying for a mortgage and there is a strong chance I’ll be excepted. If that’s the case I will be putting an offer on a property within the next few weeks. I’m going at this alone so will be using all of my savings. It just so happens that my birthday is on Monday and again all family/friends have asked what I’d like. I’ve said money as it would be a huge help at this current time. Once I’ve spent all my savings on a deposit things will be slightly tight for a while so the extra money would massively help. My mums cousin has asked her what I’d like and I’ve gone back and said I really don’t expect anything, but if she insists then money would be great.

Mum has come back and said that it’s cheeky to ask people for money so she’s told her to buy me an Amazon voucher which I can sell later on. Obviously I am grateful for anything that I receive, but the more I think about it I really don’t see what the issue is about asking for money. IMO it’s exactly the same as asking for a voucher. I really don’t want or need anything from Amazon so it now means I have to go to the effort of selling it to someone (probably at a discounted price), as who would pay full whack for a voucher when they can just buy one from the shop for the same price.

I’ve never had an issue when people have asked for cash for their birthdays or Christmas as I appreciate most people want to choose things themselves or maybe use it towards something important, which in my case I think this is. I’m more than happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but I honestly can’t see what the big deal is or why it’s considered “cheeky”…..

YANBU at all. I can't see an issue with it either. I prefer it actually!

Better than a 'gift list' where the majority of the gifts cost £80+

I think problem with gift and vouchers is you immediately know how much the gifter spent and they’re not very thoughtful.

If I’ve been a bit broke before a birthday I might make something and combine it with inexpensive but targeted gifts.

I think if asked and you say cash would be best that’s fine, but going and asking for cash is tacky.
I cringed when sent bank account details in a group Facebook message for a wedding once 😬

What do you want to use the cash they’d gift you for?

A gift is usually, to most people, a gesture for something the recipient might not usually buy.

So if you’re asking for cash cos you’re a bit strapped, and you’ll spend it at Sainsbury’s, most people don’t think that’s a good gift. Whereas your mum’s “ChickenLittle is buying a house so she doesn’t want anything right now but an Amazon voucher is a good idea so she can use it when she’s moved” is going to go down better.

I personally hate giving cash.

@FlaminEckVera I think so too, but perhaps we're in the minority

@NoSquirrels it wouldn't be used for anything right now, but probably at some point in the future towards something nice so I would just put it back into my savings for the time being. Luckily I've never been in a situation where I've had to use gifted money towards groceries or bills. As I said before, I'd be more than grateful to receive a voucher, but there is nothing that I need or want so IMO it's the exact same as receiving cash. I wouldn't need anything for the new property as I currently rent and would be taking everything with me.

As sit was determined on the wedding money gift thread couple of days ago it's because listening to the person and giving them what they need and want is not "thoughtful" like a random lampshade would be😂

I mentioned this on the wedding gifts thread - but not all gifts have cost the buyer their cash value. People on a tight budget might need to ‘buy’ a gift using Nectar points or Clubcard vouchers for instance - no cash outlay for them, but still able to give a gift. Some people’s work benefits give a discount on gift vouchers for affiliate companies which also mean that those vouchers therefore cost them less than their redeemable value. Gifts can be bought cheaply in sales and therefore are worth more than they cost the buyer. I’ve even given a cherished first edition book from my own collection to a friend because I knew she would love it. Cost to me at the time of gifting: zero.

If you have nothing to spare in your budget, but want to show your love in a gift, there are ways to be able to offer a present which you couldn’t if the recipient only wanted cash.

I find it odd that so many adults still expect and give gifts to other adults, in our family we all stop exchanging gifts at 18 ... I wouldn't dream of expecting some random aunt or cousin to give me a gift, we exchange cards and might meet up for coffee and a cake or something but giving presents is just not something we do thank goodness. If you don't want or need anything why not just be honest and say you don't want anything and mean it?

@Ragwort

I find it odd that so many adults still expect and give gifts to other adults, in our family we all stop exchanging gifts at 18 ... I wouldn't dream of expecting some random aunt or cousin to give me a gift, we exchange cards and might meet up for coffee and a cake or something but giving presents is just not something we do thank goodness. If you don't want or need anything why not just be honest and say you don't want anything and mean it?

I find it odd that you think it's odd to exchange gifts after the age of 18.

What a strange attitude.

it wouldn't be used for anything right now, but probably at some point in the future towards something nice so I would just put it back into my savings for the time being

That’s just not most people’s idea of a good gift, though. The cash and the voucher seem interchangeable to you and you’re right on a purely monetary basis but you’re ignoring the psychology of it.

I don’t want to give cash I want to give pleasure. And you sticking it in savings doesn’t work for my end of the gift-giving equation.

I don't think it's odd to ask for money
IMO it's rude to give ideas money or otherwise if no one's asked for them
But if someone's asked for ideas then absolutely tell them

Good gift is what the giftee needs or wants😁

And I agree with @FlaminEckVera I don't know anyone who doesn't do gifts over 18. We all still do small gifts (and envelopes which goes towards big things)

@SchrodingersImmigrant I missed that thread but it does sound interesting 

@MrsTulipTattsyrup the way you've explained it makes perfect sense and I understand and appreciate that some people may not have a lot of spare cash to spend on gifts.

@Ragwort you clearly don't know my family very well . Even if I told them I didn't want anything they'd still buy me something so although I don't expect anything, surely it would make sense to ask for something that I will actually need or use? We also don't really have an age limit in our family on buying gifts

What MrsTulipTattsyrup said.

I also find people don't seem to mind money so much if it is for something specific.

So "When I've moved, I want to treat myself to a dining table as I've never had a dining room before, so if anyone wants to put a little money towards that, it will be much appreciated"
or
"When I'm in my new house, I want to get a few things to make it my own, so I'd really appreciate money or a gift voucher for (insert John Lewis or Argos or whatever your usual budget is where you can buy a range of things) so I can choose it once I'm in"

type requests seem to be more acceptable than just "give me the money" requests.

I don't think it's cheeky at all. I might not say it to friends, but I would definitely ask for money from family members if they asked what I wanted.

I'd phrase it like I wanted something expensive in particular so money towards it would be gratefully appreciated.

I was thinking about the 'no boxed gifts' thread too 🤣

Why the heck would you get something for someone not knowing if they already had it or even wanted it?

It's not grabby or rude. It's just common sense really.

Same as @Ragwort here, all stops at 18.

I’m also grateful for it

(This includes Dad/brother etc. My “Mum’s cousin” wouldn’t even send a text message/know about it 😂)

Different folks and all that.

I think partly coz if it's money it shows exactly how much someone can afford/wants to spend.

In your situation If people ask you what you want I think it's fine to explain and say cash would be great. I think it's grabby when no one's even asked them what they'd like as a gift and you get a money request.

I agree it makes no sense at all, but many disagree. Could a voucher from a shop that is easy to spend on pretty much anything, sell on and cruicially, unlikely to go bust be an acceptable compromise?

So you say Amazon, but there's also John Lewis, M&S or Sainsburys etc, all of which can be used on household items, or groceries (JL vouchers can be used in Waitrose) so even if you don't need household items, the money won't get wasted and you can mentally account for the gift when you do need something.

Maybe frame it as 'I'm not sure what I'll need when I move in, but a Sainsburys voucher would be great, and I could use it for towels, crockery or electricals, when I decide what I need'.

I don’t see a problem with it either

This is my understanding of the whole gifts thing.

You have an occasion coming up.

You know you will get gifts.

Your guests know they will give gifts.

You can't be the one to raise the issue of gifts to you or to blatantly ask for what you want. That's rude.

When you are asked what you want you are supposed to say you don't want anything.

They then tell you that they want to get you something.

You then reiterate that really there's no need.and all you want is their company.

They assure you that they really want to get you something.

You reluctantly but gratefully suggest an ashtray or fruit bowl or toaster or other low value token gift.

They arrive with a new big household appliance, huge gift basket or similar higher value item.

It's a weird social ritual. Like the how are you exchange when neither of you actually cares.

It's stupid, complicated and nobody gets what they really want.

This is changing with people opting for gift lists and poems and such but it's still in that awkward transition period where more and more people are doing it but it feels rude, awkward and wrong.

That's about the size of it @VettiyaIruken

It's stupid, complicated and nobody gets what they really want

Plus wasteful, in terms of both money and environmentally.

If you get an item you don't want, or is unsuitable, you either put up with using something that's not right, the wrong colour etc, it languishes in a drawer for eternity or you sell for less than it cost or donate it to charity, where it's sold for pennies.

Plus it all involves a whole load of extra effort that wouldn't have been needed if the giver had either respected the 'please don't get me anything' request or given money.

I always used to think it was about the giver being the type of person who loves shopping, so sees it as a shopping opportunity, but someone else posted another explanation a while ago, that I can't remember, but in any case, it's never about wanting to do anything nice for the recipient, it's always about the gifter.

As well as the fact that it just feels crass to ask for money, I think it is partially hear others have said about a gift maybe being sake bought etc so costing less than cash value.

However for me I get pleasure from present buying. I remember my brother's when he opened a gift for me newborn nice and said it would always be treasured. I think if what a close friend bought me for my birthday which is something I wanted and was so unexpected and how happy she was to see my joy.

I've never seen anyone lose their mind with excitement going "I remember Becky giving me a tenner once" but I do look at my rose bush every day that a friend gave us for our wedding which probably cost around £10 but gives me ongoing joy several years later.

I agree. But many people on here would rather you got gifted lots of shit you don't want/need for your wedding rather than cash. I always give cash for wedding gifts.

The money gifts should be on Very British problems t-shirts😂