To not understand the big deal about asking for money as a gift

[ChickenLittle27]

Firstly, I will just say that I don’t expect anything, whether that be money or gifts from anyone, however if people do ask me what I’d like for my birthday or Christmas I normally just say surprise me (who doesn’t love a surprise). This time it’s a bit different.

I’m currently in the process of applying for a mortgage and there is a strong chance I’ll be excepted. If that’s the case I will be putting an offer on a property within the next few weeks. I’m going at this alone so will be using all of my savings. It just so happens that my birthday is on Monday and again all family/friends have asked what I’d like. I’ve said money as it would be a huge help at this current time. Once I’ve spent all my savings on a deposit things will be slightly tight for a while so the extra money would massively help. My mums cousin has asked her what I’d like and I’ve gone back and said I really don’t expect anything, but if she insists then money would be great.

Mum has come back and said that it’s cheeky to ask people for money so she’s told her to buy me an Amazon voucher which I can sell later on. Obviously I am grateful for anything that I receive, but the more I think about it I really don’t see what the issue is about asking for money. IMO it’s exactly the same as asking for a voucher. I really don’t want or need anything from Amazon so it now means I have to go to the effort of selling it to someone (probably at a discounted price), as who would pay full whack for a voucher when they can just buy one from the shop for the same price.

I’ve never had an issue when people have asked for cash for their birthdays or Christmas as I appreciate most people want to choose things themselves or maybe use it towards something important, which in my case I think this is. I’m more than happy to be told I’m being unreasonable but I honestly can’t see what the big deal is or why it’s considered “cheeky”…..

@SchrodingersImmigrant

The money gifts should be on Very British problems t-shirts😂

Indeed. The people on Greek, Irish and Indian Mumsnet amongst other countries that address this issue in a far more sensible way won't be having this conversation.

It saddens me on threads like this that the majority won't seem to deviate from their 'I could never give cash' mindset or realise that not everyone thinks the same way as they do. They're probably the same sort of people who always bang on about diversity being Very Important when looking for somewhere to live, schools etc.

Funny how they never seem to learn anything from their much desired diversity. It's the same with food. Look how it goes any time someone mentions having rice on a roast dinner...

To me a gift is something that is given voluntarily by the giver to acknowledge a celebration be it a wedding, birthday or suchlike.
I don’t think it appropriate to dictate the terms of something that is given voluntarily and in good faith, no matter what the recipient wants or feels appropriate.
It feels a bit bossy and presumptuous but I also see it’s perhaps a generational thing.
The fact that a gift is voluntary seems to be lost, generally we don’t dictate voluntary contributions in life ?

@Fallsballs

To me a gift is something that is given voluntarily by the giver to acknowledge a celebration be it a wedding, birthday or suchlike. I don’t think it appropriate to dictate the terms of something that is given voluntarily and in good faith, no matter what the recipient wants or feels appropriate. It feels a bit bossy and presumptuous but I also see it’s perhaps a generational thing. The fact that a gift is voluntary seems to be lost, generally we don’t dictate voluntary contributions in life ?

Generally we do. Coming help at x time, bringing y to lend on x day, volunteers having rotas. We are very much most of the time making voluntary contributions work for us. Why else would people accept? You don't just offer a help with moving and turn up on random day.

It's not "dictating" it's a simple organasing.

People need to stop seeing this as demands or dictating. If you ask someone what they want/need and they say money torlwards x would be great there is no "dictating" no demand. You sked, they answered. If you have vouchers, give vouchers. Anyone will anyway know that candle holder costed a tenner. Just give a tenner amazon voucher or something.

If someone "volunteers" something, whether time or gifts, it should be for the benefit of the giftee and that includes that they can suggest what would be the best for them.

It's not just money btw. It's about anything.
"What do you wnat for Christmas?"
"Oooh x soap would be so nice"
hmmmm I will get them nail polish i saw and liked

I’d find it odd a grown adult asking for cash for their birthday. Unless a special birthday I’d likely just send a card or possibly a token gift outside of parents and siblings.

I hate cash requests though, to me it either feels like an entry fee of being told that I’m incapable of choosing a gift they may like.

I don’t like to give money. I think if you’re not very well off it makes it really obvious whereas with a gift you can get away with spending less as unless it’s something specific or branded no one will have a clue how much something is.

Money is the perfect gift!
Some people give because they like the adoration and thanks for how smart they are at selecting for you. The act of giving becomes about them.
Ignore those types.
Congratulations 🥳

but I do look at my rose bush every day that a friend gave us for our wedding which probably cost around £10 but gives me ongoing joy several years later.

Well that’s lovely, but for every one gift that’s treasured I’d hazard there are hundreds that aren’t used, buried in a drawer, sent to charity shops, etc, etc.

Money will always be put to something the recipient genuinely wants.

whereas with a gift you can get away with spending less

And if that is something the person neither wants nor needs it is pure waste.

@Bagelsandbrie

I don’t like to give money. I think if you’re not very well off it makes it really obvious whereas with a gift you can get away with spending less as unless it’s something specific or branded no one will have a clue how much something is.

They eill. It's usually very easy to guess if person wants to, unfortunately

I even give my dh money for Christmas. We do gifts and then there is also usually envelope with cash that goes towards big purchase. So like he wanted something worth £400, I gave him £100 in a pretty envelope. Both sides happy😁

The thing is, the way society has changed in 30 years mean that we SHOULD feel more comfortable about giving cash.

Before, consumer goods were proportionally much more expensive and much less choice, so it made sense to have a wedding list or to be gifted nice house stuff that you might struggle to get yourself.

Houses are now so much more expensive, it takes so long to save for one, weddings are extortionate for the couple too (yes, yes I know you can do them for £50 and a barrel of bunting, but realistically a lot of venues up their event costs for weddings etc).

As I have seen how people have struggled more and more with paying off student loans, saving for a wedding, saving for a deposit, I feel MUCH happier about giving cash that can be efficiently and effectively used where most needed, rather than stump up for a toaster they prob don’t even want or need or could by for a £10 if necessary in tesco.

I despise getting presents I don’t want and didn’t ask for, it’s such a waste of money. It gets me really mad, and I’ve ruined a few Xmas’s and birthdays for myself because of it.
Just don’t get me anything, if I want something I buy it for myself anyway.
And I don’t want a crappy card either.

I don’t want to give cash I want to give pleasure. And you sticking it in savings doesn’t work for my end of the gift-giving equation.

If buying a gift is all about how it makes you feel, (and you won't accept that being able to plan a treat for themselves might give someone pleasure), then surely the solution is that you don't bother asking what the recipient wants.

@DysmalRadius

I don’t want to give cash I want to give pleasure. And you sticking it in savings doesn’t work for my end of the gift-giving equation.

If buying a gift is all about how it makes you feel, (and you won't accept that being able to plan a treat for themselves might give someone pleasure), then surely the solution is that you don't bother asking what the recipient wants.

Well, it’s nuanced.

If I asked and someone said “There’s nothing I want right now but I’d love to plan a trip to X/go for a meal at Y/save up for Z expensive item’ then I’d be happy to contribute.

If they said ‘There’s nothing I want right now so cash would suit me, please’ I’d feel a bit about it. Because clearly they have all they need or want.

It’s why those ‘honeymoon gift lists’ where you say X amount buys a snorkelling trip, or Y amount a drink at the bar, or whatever are good - it seems tangible. I know it will bring pleasure.

Handing over £20 that might go to a Tesco food shop or whatever doesn’t psychologically fulfil my gift-giving urge.

I am totally fine with an Amazon wish list or list of stuff to pick from.

Depends on your attitude. I actually think a lot of the value of gift-giving is in the knowledge that the giver gets pleasure. Not for me, necessarily, but when I get gifts from others I understand their choice - and pleasure in their choice - is part of the transaction. My MIL loves to buy me clothes that 9 times out of 10 I don’t much like. My DC choose carefully absolutely weird and bonkers things I’d happily do without but the looks on their faces as they eagerly watch you unwrap it... I have a frankly bloody AWFUL present from my DH on display in the living room because he chose it so carefully and every time I try to lose it he notices

I will give cash. But there’s ways of asking and receiving that benefit both parties needs in the gift-giving dance.

It’s exactly what PP have said. There’s no hiding when it comes to gifts of cash. I have a stash of presents I buy and then store, I am also excellent at finding bargains so save money that way. Ask me for cash though and I have no way to pad that out.

I don’t want to give cash I want to give pleasure. And you sticking it in savings doesn’t work for my end of the gift-giving equation

But giving a 'thing' often doesn't bring pleasure to the recipient, it brings them:

guilt that they don't like the thing or for the waste of money or resources

irritation that it's cluttering up their house or that they have to use/look at something that's not of their choosing

a chore - they have to donate or sell it

In a minority of cases you might actually give them something that they genuinely like, but that's probably only in a minority of cases and no-one knows anyway because obviously most people pretend to like the thing out of politeness.

The thing is with cash, once you’re an adult, is that it just becomes a ritual of passing cash backwards and forwards throughout the year. I give you£50 for your birthday, you hand it back for mine! It’s a bit ridiculous.
I dislike giving cash, unless it is towards something specific.

@Thingsthatgo

The thing is with cash, once you’re an adult, is that it just becomes a ritual of passing cash backwards and forwards throughout the year. I give you£50 for your birthday, you hand it back for mine! It’s a bit ridiculous. I dislike giving cash, unless it is towards something specific.

Exactly. Plus also, most people can buy what they want when they want it within reason without having to have birthday/christmas/wedding/housewarming gift lists.

Wouldn't life be easier all round if we stepped off this nonsense gift giving merry go round and just gave people a nice card and maybe a token bunch of flowers, bottle of fizz or box of chocolates when we want to mark a special occasion?

I hate giving cash. I’ve often been very broke and bought a gift reduced that I think the person will really like.

Plus I never give money for a wedding gift since I gave a substantial sum (to me at the time) and the couple spent it on paint and painted their kitchen.

I have no problem giving cash for one off things like weddings etc however one of my friends has a birthday the same time as mine and when we exchange presents if we were just exchanging cash it would feel a bit weird and pointless, if we are giving each other £20 we may as well not bother

Plus I never give money for a wedding gift since I gave a substantial sum (to me at the time) and the couple spent it on paint and painted their kitchen.

I am not sure why that is wrong. Paint isn't cheap but can bring happiness and satisfaction

Mind you I think none of us are saying to always give cash. Sometimes physical present is the most appropriate and wanted.
It's just when people say cash would be the best and people ignore it. It's like if someone said they like steak and people gave them chicken thighs

Plus I never give money for a wedding gift since I gave a substantial sum (to me at the time) and the couple spent it on paint and painted their kitchen

But you would have been totally fine with buying them a kettle which they would have used in their kitchen or giving them a John Lewis voucher which they then used to buy a kettle to use in their kitchen.

Surely you can see that your reasoning makes no sense whatsoever?

Yes I would. Because they would have taken the kettle with them. The house was rented and they moved out in about a year and I felt like the £200 I gave them was quite literally pissed up the walls.