To not know what to do - daughter wants to move class

[Schoolissuesdaughter]

Sorry this is long, but don't want to drip feed.

My Dd is in reception. We moved areas the summer before she started, so she didn't know any of the children. It's a school with a nursery so a lot of kids already knew each other. She very quickly made friends with a lovely little girl who was in the same boat, I'll call her Lily (not her real name). Lily unfortunately is in the other reception class. In reception the classes are joined together by a sliding door and the classes spend a lot of time together. This will not be the case in year 1.

Before the January lockdown DD mainly played with Lily, but also played with a handful of other girls including a girl I'll call her Hope (who is in her current class). Since going back things seem to have shifted and she has mainly played with Hope, with playing with Lily when they are in group together (Lily has settled well and has lots of friends so not left out). Throughout I have tried to encourage DD to play with a wider group as I know how easily kids at this age can fall out. I do not know Hope at all as a child as she stays for after school club so isn't about at pick up. Recently my DD has admitted that Hope is quite controlling and doesn't like her playing with other children. She will stand there watching and refuse to join in. She will tell DD she wants her to play her game. I have told DD that she should continue playing with other children if she wants to. DD then came home the other day upset. Hope had been given the opportunity to pick a friend twice that day for a small treat and neither time she picked DD despite the fact they spend all their time together. She also said Hope isn't always very nice to her though I didn't get specifics.

On top of this there are a couple of mean girls in her class (the only term I can think of based on Dd's description). They will make snide comments, like for none uniform day DD was wearing a bow the same colour as what she was wearing. One said 'Oh.. she's matching' in a nasty tone. One grabbed my daughter against her will one day and took her over to other (I can't really work out why? Something to do with a game the mean girls were playing). My Dd say's these girls seem a lot older. She has only told me about these girls today.

I had been hoping they would mix the classes next year as my Dd was asked who she played with a few weeks back (she said Hope and Lily). I have been told by someone who works at the school she didn't think they were. I asked my Dd this evening if she was given a choice which class would she go into. She said she wanted to be in the other class with Lily.

I am not sure what to do now. Lily is a lovely girl, but again she would be relying on one other child. That said there is often another girl from that class around when we are waiting to pick up my other DD who seems really keen to befriend her. As for the mean girls, do you always get kids like this in every class? I know I had one when I was in primary school. I am also not sure if it has just been a tough couple of weeks and she is reacting or this has been building up. I am really unsure if I should speak to the school and ask if it is possible for her to start year 1 in the other class.

Yes, definitely talk to the teacher about your concerns. They might have already arranged the class groups, but you need to make the teacher aware of the current difficulties.

I think it would be quite unsettling for her to be the only child who went into the other class so I'd think carefully before you speak to the teacher.

My school has agonised over the class splits. Hardly any teachers have opted to mix as the children have had such a difficult year. They need consistency.

This age group have missed out on so much social skill development because of the lockdowns.
It does sound hard for her, raise the issues with the mean girls and hope with the teacher so she can be aware of the dynamics and guide your dd to other friendships.
But don't ask to move class, or get her hopes up that that is possible. If there is a shuffle there is a shuffle but they won't move one child.
Friendships and social dynamics are very fluid at this age, things change, and she will probably grow in confidence and make new and more friends in yr 1.
(Dc3 is currently yr1 - I have seen these things play out a few times)
It is hard to hear the troubles she is having, the teacher should help her over the next few weeks.

I think the school won't be overly willing to move your kid, unless they regularly reshuffle classes. And I don't think I'd move her if I were you either, friendships change so quickly at that age.

Maybe talk to the teacher about the social issues, ask what you can do to help at home etc. The issue with Hope is extremely common at age 5 - she'll grow out of it but it might need some teacher support - I wouldn't move class just because of that.

I would discuss the issues with the other girls but think hard about if moving her would be best or not. It might be that a new group might help her find her people.
Your knowledge of these other girls and their behaviour, where does it come from? Just what your DD has told you? You said she’s only just mentioned them today? But the examples you gave must go back further than that. Did you hear the comments ‘in a nasty tone’ yourself? They’re all only 5, that’s pretty young to be labelled ‘mean’.
Friendships at this age are often fairly superficial and changeable.
They’ve also missed a chunk of this year so their relationships will be less secure.

I would stop labelling a group of 5 year olds mean girls. Even if you only do it in your head your daughter will pick up on the negativity.

In my experience schools don't allow kids to just move classes because they want to. At their age they are fickle and friendships change rapidly. Just keep encouranging her to have a wider circle of friends, maybe suggest one on one playdates to forge new friendships.

Ate the classes at capacity? If so they would be unlikely to move just one child unless another one has requested to move from the class she wants to move in to. I'd speak to the teacher first about your concerns. For example 'she is matching' could be bitchy but from a 4/5 year old probably more likely a statement of fact. My daughter is always coming out with things the others have done and how they boss her about but having observed her at a stay and play just before lockdown I realised she is just as bad

Mean girls... . They're all 5 year olds, your dd will need to learn to expand her friendships if she don't want to be stuck with one girl; the way the rest of the class are doing.
The school won't move her just because she's asked. She'd probably have the same issues in the other class anyway.

Why did you ask your daughter if she wants to move? I wouldn’t even have suggested it to her (sorry if I’ve misunderstood).

My older dd had an intense BFF fixation on a child in the other reception class from week one. They absolutely loved each other. It was lovely, but I was also relieved they were in separate classes as I think it helped them have a healthier relationship with school outside of each other.

In terms of the more controlling in class behaviour I agree flag to the the teacher. Our reception teacher was amazing about this stuff. We also did lots of casual chatting at home about how to respond, some role play etc to help her act out how to lay out her boundaries. I think it helped. Also without minimising how it makes her feel we do some “oh it’s interesting X does that, I wonder why she does that... anyway you don’t have to agree just because she says you have to” etc

If these children were 9, I'd be saying there was something in moving her to the other class.

But this is a lot of drama for Reception. I think it's worth realising that what your DD tells you is potentially only a snapshot of what actually happens e.g. someone might make one mean comment at lunch time but then make up 5 minutes later. Children fall out with friends and are then best friends again very quickly. If you ask DD about what class she wants to be in again tomorrow, she might well come out with a different answer.

I agree with others it's worth speaking to the teacher but along the lines of "how is DD settling in socially?". The teacher may well have an entirely different view of the situation than the one you perceive.

Inviting children round for play dates is a good way to foster new friendships.

Hope had been given the opportunity to pick a friend twice that day for a small treat and neither time she picked DD
This sounds very unlikely. Even if it did actually happen, so what if she didn't choose your daughter? You sound so overly invested in every little non event of her day.
You were fairly ridiculous to ask her what class she'd choose, btw. She doesn't get to choose.

If they're not mixing the classes up, and the year is full, it's unlikely they'll do that as they'd then have to move a child from the other class under infant class size rules.

Also my observation is that friendships in reception and first half of year one are very fluid. It's only after that the majority start graduating towards the same person. It's very common for a year R child to come our announcing their new best friend daily!

You may also be building Lily up into something that she isn't. She may have plenty of other friends in the other class.

What I suggest you do is arrange lots of playing time with children in her class. Invite them to come to the park with you, have the paddling pool out, do they want to come round, have a film afternoon etc. That will give her a bit of social confidence and things to talk to with the other children.

GreyhoundG1rl isn't everyone invested in their children's happiness. When they come home upset do you not want to know why? I have no doubt the treat thing happened, I didn't want to go into detail as it would be outing.

I probably shouldn't have labelled the girls mean girls. It was meant as an easy description as my only basis is what my daughter has said. I didn't want to get into more made up names as it gets confusing. I did make a bit of attempt to explain that, admittedly not too well! All the stuff about them came out today, but DD is the type to bottle stuff up.

Anyway, thank you for all the helpful suggestions. I will have a think over the weekend and talk with DH about what we should say to the teacher if anything. I am aware they are all very young and this may pass.

I frankly think this is a lot of drama over nothing. It’s reception class! You need to model some resilience for your daughter.

The year isn't full for those that have asked.

Playdates would be a great idea, but I wouldn't know where to start. It's been a weird year with masks and social distancing. There are very few Mums I have spoken to and those I have just happen to be in the other class.

If I understand correctly your daughter hasn’t asked to move class.
You asked her if she got to pick which one would she prefer. That’s not the same as a kid having a real need to move classes.
My dd is the same age and one of my closest friends dd is in the same class. It’s funny the different version of events that we get about the same event.

They are 5 yrs old, they aren't mean girls they are 5 years old. I'm sure they have gone home at some point & complained about your daughter. A lot will change over the summer. Much a do about nothing.

You need to toughen up. I've realised I can imagine a situation is much worse for my children than it really is. Focus on raising a strong, independent, free thinking daughter and friendships will follow. Don't lead her or drag things out of her. Sometimes kids say what they think we want to hear. Focus on the positives and lead by example. Try not to portray your DD as a victim or she will become one!

You don't know where to start arranging a playdate? How defeatist and erm I'm trying not to say pathetic but I can't think of a better word. Ask your daughter who else she would like to play with in her class. Ask the girl's parent in the school yard or write an invitation or card with your contact details and ask your daughter to pass it on. You really need to help your daughter by appearing stronger and more in control so she can follow your example. I'm assuming she is an only child as she sounds like your only focus? The very best thing you can do to help her is teach her resilience and independence then these little non events won't bother her as she gets older.

Yeah you need to get a hard hat for when she gets to year 5&6. They are the ‘fun’ years

Honestly this is going to happen all throughout school and no matter what class she goes in there will be fall outs and then back to best friends the next day.
It sounds similar to my DDs old primary where there were 3 or 4 classes and they stayed with the same class until year 2 and then they got mixed a bit more.
Unless there is actual bullying/proper nastiness then I would listen to her but not pay it too much attention.

Over relying on one child (Lily) is not healthy. If there is specific unkindness, speak to the teacher. She will have full overview of the interactions. In class, friendships are less important. The focus is learning and there are less opportunities to interact in Y1 than YR. Teachers focus on this when pairing or grouping for activities. Your daughter will get a chance to build friendships at playtime and lunchtime, regardless of which class she’s in.

As others have said YR children are not mean girls. The matching comment is a factual one and how a young child would think. If there were any major issues, the teacher would tell you.

Choosing for a treat? Maybe wider friendships are being encouraged for Hope?

@marmitegirl01

Yeah you need to get a hard hat for when she gets to year 5&6. They are the ‘fun’ years

Ha. So true!

Stay with the current class but arrange play dates each week, each time with a different parent and their child. You could walk to nearby park after school or walk somewhere to get them a drink/treat. She’s less likely to accept being told by Holly if she can develop a bit of a rapport with lots of other children.

I’d ask for her to be moved. I’m a reception teacher at a 3 form school and we’re shuffling a couple of children whose parents have asked. It’s no big deal and if there’s a chance your daughter would be happier, why wouldn’t you?
They might say no, they probably won’t. Go for it.

@CeeceeBloomingdale that was a bit harsh. I'm not sure of the situation at OP's school but we moved to our area just before reception so didn't know anyone and covid has made things challenging. Social distancing is in place at pick up / drop off so parents arrive on the dot to drop off / collect and then wait 1m apart. All events where you might meet other parents have been cancelled, from induction welcome meetings to school plays. I have never stepped foot inside the school building. Kids aren't allowed to bring things into school apart from their book bags, which can only contain their school books, so no chance for swapping of notes. There really is no interaction between parents at school at all. The only time I've been able to meet any other parents was thanks to brief, chance encounters at the park after school and many children aren't at the park as they go to after school club.