To not know what to do - daughter wants to move class

[Schoolissuesdaughter]

Sorry this is long, but don't want to drip feed.

My Dd is in reception. We moved areas the summer before she started, so she didn't know any of the children. It's a school with a nursery so a lot of kids already knew each other. She very quickly made friends with a lovely little girl who was in the same boat, I'll call her Lily (not her real name). Lily unfortunately is in the other reception class. In reception the classes are joined together by a sliding door and the classes spend a lot of time together. This will not be the case in year 1.

Before the January lockdown DD mainly played with Lily, but also played with a handful of other girls including a girl I'll call her Hope (who is in her current class). Since going back things seem to have shifted and she has mainly played with Hope, with playing with Lily when they are in group together (Lily has settled well and has lots of friends so not left out). Throughout I have tried to encourage DD to play with a wider group as I know how easily kids at this age can fall out. I do not know Hope at all as a child as she stays for after school club so isn't about at pick up. Recently my DD has admitted that Hope is quite controlling and doesn't like her playing with other children. She will stand there watching and refuse to join in. She will tell DD she wants her to play her game. I have told DD that she should continue playing with other children if she wants to. DD then came home the other day upset. Hope had been given the opportunity to pick a friend twice that day for a small treat and neither time she picked DD despite the fact they spend all their time together. She also said Hope isn't always very nice to her though I didn't get specifics.

On top of this there are a couple of mean girls in her class (the only term I can think of based on Dd's description). They will make snide comments, like for none uniform day DD was wearing a bow the same colour as what she was wearing. One said 'Oh.. she's matching' in a nasty tone. One grabbed my daughter against her will one day and took her over to other (I can't really work out why? Something to do with a game the mean girls were playing). My Dd say's these girls seem a lot older. She has only told me about these girls today.

I had been hoping they would mix the classes next year as my Dd was asked who she played with a few weeks back (she said Hope and Lily). I have been told by someone who works at the school she didn't think they were. I asked my Dd this evening if she was given a choice which class would she go into. She said she wanted to be in the other class with Lily.

I am not sure what to do now. Lily is a lovely girl, but again she would be relying on one other child. That said there is often another girl from that class around when we are waiting to pick up my other DD who seems really keen to befriend her. As for the mean girls, do you always get kids like this in every class? I know I had one when I was in primary school. I am also not sure if it has just been a tough couple of weeks and she is reacting or this has been building up. I am really unsure if I should speak to the school and ask if it is possible for her to start year 1 in the other class.

I think the thing is, when your child comes home upset about every tiny thing is reception, yes you do want to know what's upset them, but then you also need to help them build resilience by making light of these little things and helping them see that they are not worth getting upset over.

If you react as though every little thing is a big deal, you are confirming to her that these are serious events worth dwelling on. They aren't.

Does your daughter know what "matching" means and that it's not an insult?

I've worked with a lot of children who,
when very little, get the wrong end of the
stick and assume a comment they don't understand is "mean" or bullying.

An example would be when a child (and much older than your dd, she was eight) came in on non-uniform day yonks ago with blue streaks in her hair, a sparkly top, bright leather jacket, leather look leggings and sparkly boots. My niece was the same age as her and wanted to BE Hannah Montana
so I commented "Wow, look at you Jessica, you are like a pop star! You look just like Hannah Montana!" with a big smile on her face. I caught her crying later and telling a TA I was mean but she wouldn't say why, she just kept repeating that I laughed at her and called her mean names but wouldn't say what. There was a complaint made against me and her parents came in all guns blazing.

She was sobbing and kept refusing to say how I'd upset her. In the end she managed to get out that I'd laughed at her in front of everyone, smiled "meanly" like I was making fun of her and said she looked "like a pop tart who was as fat as Montana".

She had never heard the term "pop star" and she was possibly the only 8 year old in the world who had not seen Hannah Montana and she'd decided my genuine, warm smile was a sarcastic piss take. Luckily, her sibling piped up..."erm no she didn't she said you looked like a STAR and were like HANNAH MONTANA. She was being NICE to you."

But for the rest of the year, even after we pulled up clips of Hannah Montana (and showed her she was even wearing Hannah Montana boots from the Disney Store) that child refused to see me as anything other than the "mean" teacher who humilated her and there was nothing I could do
to win her over.

And that's just one example. There are hundreds of child to child conflicts I can think of where the child just didn't understand or misheard ("he called me a CHICKEN", "no I didn't, I said I'm getting a KITTEN" etc). As the adults we often have to unpick what was really said and explain it in a child friendly way.

I.e "But sweetheart, it's not a mean thing to say someone is matching. It just means the colours you are wearing are the same and usually it's a compliment and it means the other person admires you. If she said that you DON'T match that would be quite mean but she didn't say that did she?"

Quite often little children get over excited and will pull one another over when they want go play with them. Staff try and intervene but again it's not necessarily a "mean" think, more an excited "COME AND PLAY WITH ME NOW!!!" thing. Ask her what a "mean game" is, what makes it "mean".

It sounds like she's just not used to play yet and interacting with other children. Bank phrases of "No Hope, I'm playing this game with Lily, now. You can play with us too and then, afterwards we can play your game"
might help.

I second the idea of arranging play dates with children other than Lily. Then you can also keep an eye on what behaviour really is mean and what might just boil down to misunderstanding. Are there any group Drama classes open near you? Sometimes these help kids understand the "rules of play" and also develop more confidence and assertiveness. Rainbows can also be good for this.

Sorry about all the typos my screen is very cracked and my keyboard keeps "jumping" to other letters as a result!

I think a ot of these are non-issues. Hope sounds like a very typical young child navigating friendships for the first time. It really is the kind of thing kids have to learn to deal with. By all means discuss with the teacher so she/he can keep an eye out but don't worry too much (I worried too, especially about my eldest and his friendships but looking back it was all very normal). They won't move her class because her friend didn't pick her for a treat or because someone commented on her outfit.

@chompinglettuce I don't think it's harsh or even that difficult. I get there havent been the usually parties and school events to meet people but my daughter would be able to give a note to another child to put in their book bag or coat pocket. We see other parents in the yard at drop off and pick up, albeit socially distanced, you can still strike up a conversation from a safe distance. You sometimes walk out at the same time as another parent or could wait outside the gate until they pass. Socially distant doesn't mean you can't speak or pass something on.

Going straight to moving classes is a bit extreme if you haven't even mentioned the friendship issues to the teacher yet. Certainly arrange to speak to them if your DD feels people are being unkind. It may be easily resolved without the need to change class.

I agree with PP that friendships are very fluid at this age. My DD was joined at the hip to another girl for the whole of reception year. They are in year 3 now and barely speak to one another!

I think it's ridiculous to ask your school to change your child's class based on what you have said. What you can ask then is that your child gets some support with friendships. They are unlikely to support a move, what happens next year, and the year after that etc etc. If Hope is an issue then Hope should be addressed.

I think you should talk to the teacher but focused on your child. Along the lines of 'DD is coming home upset and is worried about year 1 and how that will change friendship dynamics, I'm wondering how best to support her'. She is only 5 and no Reception teacher (or any teacher!) wants kids going home upset. You might be able to talk through her reactions and responses.

Remember too that year 1 is generally more structured with working at tables that are often organised by the teacher. A lot of play time will still probably take place in a communal playground. Of course there still will be plenty of socialising going on in the classroom, but it might be easier to navigate than the Reception free play and she might get to know other children through working with them.

Moving classes because of conflict, or in some cases to avoid being caught in say that of older siblings or families, seems reasonable, but this seems not the case and so I would not suggest this.

They aren't mean girls, they are five year olds learning what friendship is and testing boundaries and doing so off the back of a year where they've done little socialising, so you need to reframe how you view these classmates because it will help you deal with the situation better. I would definitely talk to the teacher with your concerns but I also don't think it's fair on Lily to decide she is the solution for your DD's struggle to integrate with her own class. If you moved your DD to her class but Lily wanted to friends with someone else, then what?

You need to work on boosting your DD's confidence so that she feels strong enough to call out behaviour from other children that upsets her, or to simply walk away. One thing we did was to play down 'your my BFF' obsession that starts in Reception by telling our DD that it was better to have lots of close friends than glue herself to one best friend, because if they fall out she wouldn't have anyone to play with. As a result, she went through primary with a wide circle of friends, boys and friends, and few friendship dramas and now, in secondary, she does have a BFF but still has lots of other friends from primary.

I honestly think the issue here is your framing of the situation and if you change that, you'll be really helping your DD cope better.

Gullible has said it far better than I could!

I really can't see a 5 year old saying 'Oh...she's matching' in the kind of snooty tone I think youre imagining. Did you actually see her make that comment?

Meant to type boys and girls!

Don't be 'that parent' asking to move classes

Talk to your DD about healthy friendships, mention issues to the teacher if you're that worried, arrange play dates (or, if you don't know people well enough, suggest going to the park together)

I would probably try not to concern yourself too much with the ins and outs of the friendships of a group of 5 year olds. They're all working it out themselves as they go along and if you teach your daughter to be kind and resilient she will find her way. Intervening at this stage may solve this issue but there will always be these little niggles and ups and downs and you cant keep moving her each time she falls out with someone. Listen to her, show you care but give her the skills to negotiate the relationships herself.

I would speak to the teacher based only on what your daughter said yesterday. I'd make sure the teacher knew she was not settled and to keep an eye on the groups.
I've no experience of class.moving as we were single class year groups but my dd suffered at the hands of a 5yr old brat and I wish I'd done more at that age as things have panned out.

I've had both dd moved and it sorted out issues we had that dragged on for absolutely ages.
Moving class is not a big deal, people should be able to ask at least.

Some schools are so brilliant at dealing with friend issues some don't seem to get it at all.

• you would be surprised at what five years old say I've personally witnessed five year old telling my dd her outfit is wrong or socks don't match! Stuff like that!

I work as a TA in Year 1. We would want to know how a child felt. If a parent came in and said “Rosie has been saying that Sally and Mandy have been doing/saying X” our first step would be to watch closely. For instance, there might be a group of girls that go and huddle in a quiet corner in the playground and we had thought it was lovely they all get on, but now we know it’s not quite like that we can make sure we watch it. We can’t watch every interaction all the time but we absolutely can make sure we are hovering near a particular group, or just have an extra eye on it when Rosie and Sally are talking together. You can tell a fair amount from body language about how happy the children are and then you can get involved immediately and ask everyone what went on, and deal with it then and there. You can talk to Sally about what she is doing and how it makes other people feel and you can talk to Rosie about how to assert herself in that situation. We can’t do any of that if we don’t know it’s going on, especially if the children don’t say anything to us. And they often don’t...
Moving class might not be viable but if the staff aren’t aware there is an issue then it won’t even be up for consideration. So start there. Quiet word and take it from there.

I think all of this sounds fairly standard for this age group to be honest and I don't think it would warrant changing classes. They chop and change friends all the time at 5 and can be very unkind to each other. It's heartbreaking to watch as a parent but it's also very normal and part of their development. I try to encourage kindness
But otherwise don't get too involved unless absolutely necessary. If there is an obvious bully hopefully the teachers will be on it.

To organise playdates this really is a case of asking DD is there is someone she'd like to invite home (I'd suggest not Hope or Lily) and then either speaking to the person who picks them up (if you don't know who this is, ask DD to point out the child and see who they go home with) or asking the teacher if you can put a note in their book bag.

If it's someone you don't know the conversation/note runs as follows "Hi, I'm Jane, X's mum. I was wondering if your DD would like to come to play after school one day and maybe stay to tea? Tuesday and Wednesday are good for us." [If a note, obviously put in your phone number] At Reception age some parents will want to stay and some will be happy for you just to take their child home, so plan for either scenario.

If you don't know who to invite, ask the teacher who DD plays at school. If you do talk to them about how DD is settling in socially they will likely suggest playdates out of school anyway.

I'd also second (third?) the advice about taking things with a pinch of salt. I remember DS coming home in Reception with a graze on his knee which he said had been caused by Noah pushing him down the steps.

This turned out to be perfectly true, but the bit that DS had missed out was that Noah was walking down said steps behind him, had tripped and lost his footing, gone flying and also knocked DS over in the process. Put a slightly different complexion on the story!

I would just be encouraging her to have lots of friends, to be especially kind to any child who seems to be left out, not to worry about what Hope thinks, and to tell the teacher if someone is really being mean. I definitely would not mention moving classes to her. It’s not likely to happen, it may cause more problems than it solves, and it’s not teaching good lifeskills.

Throughout I have tried to encourage DD to play with a wider group as I know how easily kids at this age can fall out.

DD then came home the other day upset. Hope had been given the opportunity to pick a friend twice that day for a small treat and neither time she picked DD despite the fact they spend all their time together.

So just to clarify, OP, your daughter should play with other friends but Hope should only be playing with your dd?

Build resilience in your dd. It is the best thing you can do as if you try and change her class there will be another fall out and another etc etc. Kids have to learn how to manage their relationships. Listen to her sympathise and role play how to manage these issues. Promote the idea that these everyday disputes are a normal part if growing up. Try not to catastrophise and over react to what she says as you make the issue bigger in her head too. If you are worried flag it up to teacher so they are aware but don't over do it by asking for a change if class as a knee jerk reaction to try and fix it.

You need to massively chill out. They are 5 and still learning social niceties. My daughter is in reception and she was saying that mine is quite socially advanced because she can say ‘you are making me upset because of x’ whereas she said it’s more typical to just cry or moan at the teacher. I’ve heard most days about falling out but when you actually probe their arguments seem to last about 30 seconds and then they’re all happy again. I think they all misinterpret a lot too.