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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her it's nothing to do with me and to stop contacting me about it

71 replies

PeggyPo · 25/06/2021 19:41

I don't want to get into the whole thing here but basically I am having my own issues with H but I am having to play the long game a bit due to various reasons.

He has issues with his ex going on at the moment too surrounding their children and whilst I don't always agree with him on these things I honestly don't have the energy to get involved.

Yet every time they disagree about something with the kids I get messages from his ex trying to involve me, asking me if I agree with what he's doing, can I not talk to him, can I help with the kids on X day because he's saying he can't etc etc... am I okay with the way he's being and so on and on.

And honestly I feel like just politely telling her now to bugger off. I've got my own shit going on with my own children and I'm sick of being dragged into their arguments too. I feel like I parent single handedly with our own children and whilst I'm trying to figure out my own situation I don't have the energy to wade into the disagreements between them about my step children as well.

AIBU to tell her to just leave me alone and that quite honestly right now I don't care what their problems are.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 25/06/2021 19:44

Could you say something like ‘I think it’s best you two sort it out between yourselves, it’s not really my place’ and leave it at that if she persists?

Clymene · 25/06/2021 19:45

Sorry, they're not even your children? No, you're not being remotely unreasonable. Just reply saying 'I'm sorry you're having issues but this is nothing to do with me'. And just send that same message every time she tries to get you involved.

Original poster
PeggyPo · 25/06/2021 19:49

@Sparklesocks

Could you say something like ‘I think it’s best you two sort it out between yourselves, it’s not really my place’ and leave it at that if she persists?
I've tried this before and I get things like would you like it if your child was treated like this

And whilst I don't always agree with her there are times when I think no I wouldn't but it's really not my problem quite frankly.

Things are hard enough right now I'm not just going to make things even worse by putting myself in between them two as well.

It's like she wants me to be the voice of reason in our house because he won't listen to her but I just do not have the energy to care right now.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 25/06/2021 19:52

Why not just block her number? You have no reason to have direct contact with her. Anything to do with the kids when they are at your house is up to your Dh to sort.

Ellpellwood · 25/06/2021 20:02

Tell her you're not replying any more and then don't!

IDontReadEyebrows · 25/06/2021 20:02

I think a broken record of “I think it’s best to sort this out between you and X” and if she persists then block her number. You’re right, it’s not your problem, it doesn’t sound like you have any more luck than she does getting him to agree with her anyway and as you’ve said you have your own shit to deal with right now.

I have sympathy for her btw as the ex partner of an absolute bellend of a man but even if my ex could make a relationship work, I can’t imagine ever sending messages like that to his new partner because the chance of it working in my favour would be slim.

georgarina · 25/06/2021 20:04

I've tried this before and I get things like would you like it if your child was treated like this

But it's not your child and nothing to do with you. I'd block her.

Darkstar4855 · 25/06/2021 20:06

Block her.

Frankola · 25/06/2021 20:10

Oh god. What a shitty position she's putting you in Flowers

Tell her firmly that it is nothing to do with you. Then ignore those kinds of messages from her.

She's ruling your household. She's also using you to get her way and play games with your DH.

None if this can be good for your relationship with DH and I'd make a hefty bet she knows that too

funinthesun19 · 25/06/2021 20:12

She thinks you’re guilty by association which is really really unfair as it’s nothing to do with you how he acts or what he says to piss her off, and you have a lot on your plate yourself. Why on earth would you make her problems more of a priority over the things you’re worrying about regarding your own children?

commanderprimate · 25/06/2021 20:21

Oh god I get this from my sister in law. What I am supposed to do is beyond me. When I very politely said that it wasn't appropriate, put me in a difficult position and how would she deal with it if her sister's partner did the same to her, she got angry and slammed the phone down on me. I still don't understand it. You have my total sympathies

RedHelenB · 25/06/2021 20:24

Sounds like it could well be your kids next. I'd be laying down my minimum expectations of him as a dad in your shoes.

Chloemol · 25/06/2021 20:30

Tell her you are not getting involved, she needs to sort it our direct. Then block her so she has no choice but to contact him

tallduckandhandsome · 25/06/2021 20:33

As the first poster said, don’t engage any more after you tell her sort it out between you.

You can safely ignore messages, you don’t have to respond to each one!

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2021 20:35

I've tried this before and I get things like would you like it if your child was treated like this

After this response I would just ignore her. She'll get the message.

HerMammy · 25/06/2021 20:37

What exactly is it he’s doing? is she justified in her concerns and hopes you’ll talk sense into him?

Original poster
PeggyPo · 25/06/2021 20:43

@HerMammy

What exactly is it he’s doing? is she justified in her concerns and hopes you’ll talk sense into him?
Sometimes yes and sometimes no imo.

And yes I think she's expecting me to talk to him /fight their corner at home.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 25/06/2021 20:52

If she has justifiable concerns, even though they are not your DC, I’d speak up for them, I wouldn’t stand by whilst my DP was a twat with his kids.

MagnoliaBeige · 25/06/2021 20:57

I’d have no qualms in saying on repeat “I’m not the neutral mediator you appear to view me as, I’m his partner and as such I’m not going to intervene on your behalf so please stop trying to put me in the middle of your disputes”

Original poster
PeggyPo · 25/06/2021 21:41

@funinthesun19

She thinks you’re guilty by association which is really really unfair as it’s nothing to do with you how he acts or what he says to piss her off, and you have a lot on your plate yourself. Why on earth would you make her problems more of a priority over the things you’re worrying about regarding your own children?
It is this guilty by association I think yes.
OP posts:
suspiria777 · 25/06/2021 22:11

@RedHelenB

Sounds like it could well be your kids next. I'd be laying down my minimum expectations of him as a dad in your shoes.
i agree. if you're planning to leave him, you and his ex will soon be in the same club, likely dealing with the same issues. she may be a good ally to have.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/06/2021 22:25

Yanbu at all, and of course it isn’t your problem.

I must say it’s quite tempting to contact the step mum when your ex is an unreasonable wanker (especially as all dd’s contacts copy to my phone) but I’ve resisted so far!

Livelovebehappy · 25/06/2021 22:50

Sounds like you both picked a Prince with this one. But I guess you’re getting some idea of what’s to come if you ever become the ex.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/06/2021 18:05

I disagree

It sounds like you might be in her position soon. If so it would be wise to have her as an ally, especially if you are playing the long game.

Aside from that I couldn't stand back and watch if he was being a dick with his children.

JellyTumble · 26/06/2021 18:29

Don’t engage with her. Tell her once you won’t be getting involved and then don’t respond to anything else.

Don’t get involved and pulled into her drama whether it’s legitimate or not.