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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell her it's nothing to do with me and to stop contacting me about it

71 replies

PeggyPo · 25/06/2021 19:41

I don't want to get into the whole thing here but basically I am having my own issues with H but I am having to play the long game a bit due to various reasons.

He has issues with his ex going on at the moment too surrounding their children and whilst I don't always agree with him on these things I honestly don't have the energy to get involved.

Yet every time they disagree about something with the kids I get messages from his ex trying to involve me, asking me if I agree with what he's doing, can I not talk to him, can I help with the kids on X day because he's saying he can't etc etc... am I okay with the way he's being and so on and on.

And honestly I feel like just politely telling her now to bugger off. I've got my own shit going on with my own children and I'm sick of being dragged into their arguments too. I feel like I parent single handedly with our own children and whilst I'm trying to figure out my own situation I don't have the energy to wade into the disagreements between them about my step children as well.

AIBU to tell her to just leave me alone and that quite honestly right now I don't care what their problems are.

OP posts:

MzHz · 28/06/2021 07:40

You’re allowing this to happen by tolerating this

Just ignore her messages completely if you don’t want to get dragged in

If she doesn’t take that hint, then you follow it up by saying “don’t want to get involved tbh, you can sort it out between you”

User135792468 · 28/06/2021 07:45

If she’s contacting you then I bet she’s desperate and pulling her hair out. I feel for you as it really is a shit situation to be in. However, I would have zero respect for a man who behaved in the way he behaves regarding his children. It sounds like you agree with the ex but just don’t want the hassle of dealing with your dh. I don’t think I could bite my tongue if my dh was like that.

DeathStare · 28/06/2021 07:50

I think this depends on exactly what her issues are. If he is treating the children poorly/unfairly when you are present, then I'm not sure you can just opt out.

If it's a more abstract issue or something you arent present for then I think it's much more reasonable to say she needs to speak to him.

Is there a reason you can't just block her number or at least ignore her messages?

Neolara · 28/06/2021 07:58

I too think it depends on what is going on. There's a big difference between disputes about parenting styles and the ex asking you for support if your DH is being actively unpleasant or abusive.

Jellyred · 28/06/2021 07:58

I think it depends.

If he is insisting on having the children but I’d say shouting at them all the time or not feeding them properly then mum is probably just desperate, and quite frankly needs to find a way to not send them.

If it’s that he is refusing to take them for the weekend or not doing anything with them then that’s between them.

Reading between the lines it seems that you are realising that him being a dad father isn’t universal to the DSC which is often the case in difficult SP situations.
I hope you get out soon.

aSofaNearYou · 28/06/2021 09:24

@User135792468

What do you mean "behaved in the way he behaves"? OP hasn't described any of his behaviour, we have no way of knowing how he behaves beyond the fact that OP sometimes agrees with the ex on it and sometimes doesn't. People seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions on this thread.

Youdiditanyway · 28/06/2021 09:27

She must be furious if she’s feeling the need to involve you. Guessing he’s refusing to see the DC as much as before or something along those lines. I’d just be honest and say whilst you sympathise and agree with her, you have your own shit going on.

DysmalRadius · 28/06/2021 09:35

I get things like would you like it if your child was treated like this

And whilst I don't always agree with her there are times when I think no I wouldn't but it's really not my problem quite frankly.

If you agree that you wouldn't want your kids treated the way your husband treats them, it's difficult because, as a mother, I would appeal to anyone who I thought could help make my kids lives better. It's really hard to judge without knowing what the issues are, e.g

If your husband thinks physical punishment is appropriate, then I can see her point and would intervene.

If it's simply a case of she would rather he put them to bed earlier, then I would make my position clear one final time and then ignore.

NightoftheLivingBread · 28/06/2021 09:37

@sykadelic

"I understand you're upset and you're asking me to help H see it your way, but it is not fair to anyone for me to do so. He does not ask me to get involved and I do not send messages to you when he disagrees with you. Placing me in the middle unfortunately doesn't help, so I'm asking you to please keep it between you both going forward. Too many cooks and all that. Best of luck."

That’s a really good message.

I would want her to stop but also to avoid alienating her OP. You don’t know if or when she might become an ally.

NightoftheLivingBread · 28/06/2021 09:41

Just read your update OP – apologies!

M1551nglink · 28/06/2021 09:42

Atalune · 28/06/2021 09:43

Well if the kids are being neglected or maltreated I can understand why she is imploring for your assistance.

That being said, it’s not really fair to put pressure on you like this.

Could you send her something like-

“I hear your frustrations and I share them. You and ExH have to try and deal with this without me. The kids are safe when they are here and I look after them with H. Please stop asking me to interfere in your issues as it makes things worse for everyone including the children”

Bibidy · 28/06/2021 10:10

Ignore her messages or just block her completely.

It's not your problem and she shouldn't be assuming you'll take her side against your husband, even if what she's saying is reasonable. It's not fair to put you in that position.

Bibidy · 28/06/2021 10:15

@Atalune

Well if the kids are being neglected or maltreated I can understand why she is imploring for your assistance.

That being said, it’s not really fair to put pressure on you like this.

Could you send her something like-

Disagree with this, do not send her a message saying you agree with her, that will be forwarded straight on to your husband and every argument will be her saying "even Peggy agrees with me, even Peggy thinks you're a dick etc etc".

I would potentially respond once more just asking her to please stop texting you and that she needs to sort it out with your H. And then don't respond again after that, ever. Mute her conversation on Whatsapp if you don't feel comfortable blocking.

IncessantNameChanger · 28/06/2021 10:20

I had similar but with my mil. Harsh but I blocked her on everything.

I told her I didnt want to be involved, the middle man, talk to him directly etc and she lost her shit at that so I made it impossible for her to continue.

Tell her nicely you do not want to get involved, its between then to adult this out. If she does not listen then there is always my option ( but I had been moaned to for decades before I snapped)

dreamingbohemian · 28/06/2021 10:28

Can you give an example of what she's objecting to?

If your husband is shouting at his kids or being emotionally abusive I don't think it's right for you to be all, not my problem.

Bibidy · 28/06/2021 10:30

@dreamingbohemian

Can you give an example of what she's objecting to?

If your husband is shouting at his kids or being emotionally abusive I don't think it's right for you to be all, not my problem.

OP has said:

Sounds more like they are just disagreeing on things and ex wants him to have the kids more/on certain days, so it doesn't seem that she's worried about their safety.

dreamingbohemian · 28/06/2021 10:40

That's quite vague though. They could be physically safe but emotionally abused. The OP said she wouldn't want her own kids treated that way so it sounds potentially serious.

aSofaNearYou · 28/06/2021 10:59

@dreamingbohemian

That's quite vague though. They could be physically safe but emotionally abused. The OP said she wouldn't want her own kids treated that way so it sounds potentially serious.

"Wouldn't want her own kids treated that way" could mean allowed a late bedtime, though. OP has said it's mostly just basic parenting stuff so although she hasn't gone into many details, the evidence we do have points towards the issues not being serious enough for OP to be concerned.

Ivymundane · 28/06/2021 11:03

She probably thinks your the normal, rational and cool one in the relationship so as his the dick seeing if she can appeal to you to speak sense to him.

But your right, it’s not to do with you and once you told her she should back off. I imagine everyone is getting frustrated because the ex doesn’t know how to communicate properly

Ivymundane · 28/06/2021 11:04

It’s him who is causing all these issues really.

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