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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her it's nothing to do with me and to stop contacting me about it

71 replies

PeggyPo · 25/06/2021 19:41

I don't want to get into the whole thing here but basically I am having my own issues with H but I am having to play the long game a bit due to various reasons.

He has issues with his ex going on at the moment too surrounding their children and whilst I don't always agree with him on these things I honestly don't have the energy to get involved.

Yet every time they disagree about something with the kids I get messages from his ex trying to involve me, asking me if I agree with what he's doing, can I not talk to him, can I help with the kids on X day because he's saying he can't etc etc... am I okay with the way he's being and so on and on.

And honestly I feel like just politely telling her now to bugger off. I've got my own shit going on with my own children and I'm sick of being dragged into their arguments too. I feel like I parent single handedly with our own children and whilst I'm trying to figure out my own situation I don't have the energy to wade into the disagreements between them about my step children as well.

AIBU to tell her to just leave me alone and that quite honestly right now I don't care what their problems are.

OP posts:
Melitza · 26/06/2021 18:48

Just message her to say that she and your dh need to learn to co parent and that’s up to them.

PurpleyBlue · 26/06/2021 18:54

I echo previous PP tell her it's up to the two of them to co-parent and block her. Why does she even have your number?

ladygracie · 26/06/2021 18:58

Rather than saying you can’t get involved I wonder if you could say that you have an incredible amount going on and don’t have capacity to fight her battles too. So the reasoning is not to do with her but you instead.

HotChocolateLover · 26/06/2021 18:59

I’ve had this and I just literally didn’t reply. Nada. Took a while for the person to get the message but it worked.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 26/06/2021 19:28

'Whether I agree or not is irrelevant, he is responsible for parenting decisions in our home and I support him 100%.' Rinse and repeat.

She'll get incensed and then she'll get bored.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 26/06/2021 19:35

I've tried this before and I get things like would you like it if your child was treated like this

If I didn't like how my child was being treated, I would sort it out myself.

Hawkins001 · 26/06/2021 19:50

Tis a tricky one op, what about giving platitudes to appear to be helping but giving minimal assistance so that it keeps her on side so to speak ?

MadMadMadamMim · 26/06/2021 19:55

@MagnoliaBeige

I’d have no qualms in saying on repeat “I’m not the neutral mediator you appear to view me as, I’m his partner and as such I’m not going to intervene on your behalf so please stop trying to put me in the middle of your disputes”
This is good.

It's really unfair of her to try and drive a wedge between you and your DP. It's ridiculous that she should try and rope you in so that you can both gang up on him.

sykadelic · 26/06/2021 20:04

"I understand you're upset and you're asking me to help H see it your way, but it is not fair to anyone for me to do so. He does not ask me to get involved and I do not send messages to you when he disagrees with you. Placing me in the middle unfortunately doesn't help, so I'm asking you to please keep it between you both going forward. Too many cooks and all that. Best of luck."

lockdownalli · 26/06/2021 20:05

Just block her.

JaneTheVirgin · 26/06/2021 20:17

Actually think YABU. He's your husband, and they're your step-kids. If he's behaving badly towards them, I wouldn't be able to stand back and watch or say nothing. That very well may be you one day!

Cherrysoup · 26/06/2021 20:35

Block her after a last message telling her to contact your dh. She’s playing you, asking you to have the dc.

SueblueNZ · 26/06/2021 23:56

19:28intheenddoesitreallymatter

'Whether I agree or not is irrelevant, he is responsible for parenting decisions in our home and I support him 100%.'
Ugh. Definitely not this. It makes the OP sound powerless in the relationship and is presumably untrue.

NeonDreams · 27/06/2021 01:59

I think you are being unreasonable to think your own stepchildren have nothing to do with you. I always find it sad when stepmothers don't want a relationship with their stepchildren. You're not just your DH's girlfriend, you're his wife and that mean you have a guardianship role to his children as a stepmother.

Seriously, some stepmums would LOVE that the mother considers them important enough in their children's lives to communicate with you and involve you in their lives. It could be so much worse and the other way around. And here you are, and you have it, and you're throwing it away. I'm not saying you are being unreasonable to want them to sort it out, but your whole demeanor speaks of someone who doesn't consider their stepchildren as part of their family. Their mum obviously trusts you and sees you as a guardian when her children are with you, and wants to involve you. Do you have any idea how many stepmothers would love to have that open and trusting relationship with the biological mums?

Coyoacan · 27/06/2021 02:46

I wouldn't block her if I were you, but just tell her that you cannot be a middleman in their problems.

AmberIsACertainty · 27/06/2021 03:23

You could try "you're right and I don't agree with his behaviour, but I have no influence over him. I'm very stressed at the moment, so please stop messaging me about your disputes with him. It's between the two of you." Then block her.

AmberIsACertainty · 27/06/2021 03:27

You're not just your DH's girlfriend, you're his wife and that mean you have a guardianship role to his children as a stepmother.

No she doesn't, not legally. And it sounds like she's gradually detaching and getting her ducks in a row in preparation for leaving him somewhere down the line. OP doesn't need to be building relationships with children who aren't hers and who she'll have no legal rights to contact with after the split. This would just cause further upset for both OP and the step children.

VroomVrooom · 27/06/2021 05:13

It sounds like your husband is a really deficient Dad.

Do the two of you have kids together? Hopefully not, but I’m guessing, inevitably, you do…

TidyDancer · 27/06/2021 06:19

I don't think she's going about this the right way, but if your DH isn't treating the DCs properly (and it seems you've admitted this?) then she may well feel that she's left with no other choice than to contact you. How reasonable or unreasonable she is, is probably down to what his behaviour actually consists of. If it's really bad (rather than simply a difference in parenting styles etc) then you have a duty to intervene.

MrsBobDylan · 27/06/2021 06:26

Just say to her you are having a hard time right now and can't help.

She will resent you anyway. He had been a shit husband and Dad when you met him, but you gave him another family to be useless with.

RightYesButNo · 27/06/2021 06:38

So are your children also his? Because if that’s the case, then you’ll soon be in the same position she’s in, unless your children aren’t with him or your long game means staying until they graduate. Also, what do you mean by sometimes “she’s justified in her concerns”? in those times, is he yelling at the stepchildren, cursing at them, what?

aSofaNearYou · 27/06/2021 09:25

@NeonDreams

I think you are being unreasonable to think your own stepchildren have nothing to do with you. I always find it sad when stepmothers don't want a relationship with their stepchildren. You're not just your DH's girlfriend, you're his wife and that mean you have a guardianship role to his children as a stepmother.

Seriously, some stepmums would LOVE that the mother considers them important enough in their children's lives to communicate with you and involve you in their lives. It could be so much worse and the other way around. And here you are, and you have it, and you're throwing it away. I'm not saying you are being unreasonable to want them to sort it out, but your whole demeanor speaks of someone who doesn't consider their stepchildren as part of their family. Their mum obviously trusts you and sees you as a guardian when her children are with you, and wants to involve you. Do you have any idea how many stepmothers would love to have that open and trusting relationship with the biological mums?

Who are you speaking for? Many stepmothers wish the mum wasn't antagonistic towards them, but I don't think I've ever really seen stepmothers say they wish the mum would consult them over minor issues, especially when that comes with an in built argument because she isn't on the same page as their dad.

Mostly stepmothers just want to be left alone by the mum to get on with it, as far as I can see.

Soverymuchfruit · 27/06/2021 10:58

I agree it sounds like she could be a potential future ally. I'd say don't block. Just saying you had her concerns but simply don't have capacity to help atm would be fine.

Original poster
PeggyPo · 27/06/2021 17:44

It's differing parenting styles in the main yes. As I say I don't always agree with her either. He isn't a terrible father he just doesn't always parent in the way I would.

Yes by long game I mean getting ducks in a row. It's not really about the way be treats the DC mine or his, mainly issues between us.

Frankly I'm not interested in making her an ally. She is not always reasonable herself and has been unpleasant in the past. I doubt unless I was helping her with something she needed / wanted, she'd be bothered about being an ally.

Honestly I'm quote happy to have nothing to do with any of them / it.

OP posts:
Cherryberrybonbon · 27/06/2021 18:11

She probably knows you have to be thinking he is out of order and is just looking for some womanly support from dealing with the same arsehole. But if you are having your own problems with H at the moment then you can think what you like about it but getting involved and possibly taking her side is just going to cause you more unnecessary hassle that you don’t need. Just tell her your sorry bug can’t get involved