To ask EXH to contribute to driving lessons?

[ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower]

Background: EXH and I have a daughter between us and split about 14 years ago, both now moved on with new partners and another child each. He sees our DD maybe half a dozen times a year, rarely over night. He pays basic maintenance (less than £50 weekly via CMS) and has never, ever contributed to anything else (school trips etc). I did once ask him to go halves on a residential trip, and he was non committal, his partner then contacted me and told me in no uncertain terms that 'they' give me enough already, and IABU to expect any more.

DD will be 17 soon, and wants to learn to drive. I've saved up a bit towards lessons, first car and first year's insurance, and was hoping that her Dad might help towards the lessons as they're quite expensive and I don't think I'll have enough to cover it. DH and I aren't well off, we're already paying nearly £1000 a year for DD college travel, plus she's doing an arts related course that has cost us a fair bit for specialist equipment (normally would be borrowed from school, Covid means they no longer lend stuff out). She also has music lessons, and other things like most kids.

His response... That's what he pays maintenance for, he would have expected me to have 'thousands' put aside for her by now given how long he's been paying. He doesn't think I should be using maintenance to pay bills; I don't think he's living in the real world! I try to reason with him but he won't budge.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable - I'm so angry with him and perhaps that's clouding my perspective somewhat.

I should also add, that DD does have a job and is saving some money herself, but she couldn't work during lockdown so it's not gone too well!

YANBU to ask exH if he will contribute. I think it is fine for him to say no, but not the way he said it and not with the reasoning that past maintenance should cover it. Obviously that is rubbish.

So he pays £2500ish a year, and expects you to have saved most of it?

Does he know how much it costs to feed and clothe a teenager, before you even start on housing&utilities, education costs, extra curricular, birthday/Christmas...

I think YABU. If you're old enough to learn to drive, you're old enough to pay your own way. I financed my own lessons and car, wouldn't have dreamt of asking my parents for help.

I think dd should have asked her dad rather than you. Might have found it harder to say no.

Yanbu to ask, be angry or disappointed though.

Yanbu to ask.

But ultimately the responsibility of the cost will fall to the leaner. It may be she has to wait a bit longer until she has saved up a bit more

I don’t think your unreasonable for asking but personally I think the young person wants to drive they pay there lessons
My Ds1 is at uni we pay half his accomodation and he gets £30 a week for a small food shop he also works he’s paying for his lessons we may help with a car/insurance

I think YABU. If you're old enough to learn to drive, you're old enough to pay your own way. I financed my own lessons and car, wouldn't have dreamt of asking my parents for help.

This.

Driving is for adults, not children. A 17 year old is transitioning to adulthood and shouldn't be paid for like a child. I too, paid for my own lessons and car. I had to work full time for 3 years to save up for a car while having lessons and I would have been far too embarrassed to let my parents pay for it even if they could afford it. Doing it myself gave me a sense of achievement.

Of course it was unreasonable to ask and expect him to actually pay!!

Bloody hell we need an urgent reform of the maintenance system.

I would have thought it was fairly obvious from your description of his relationship with your daughter and the fact that he’s never been willing to do anymore than the bare essential in the past that he would not contribute for driving lessons . As it is driving lessons are not a necessity and if you can’t afford them then your daughter will have to either wait or get a pt job and pay for them herself like loads of other teens .

Yanbu to ask him, but driving lessons and a car aren’t essential and he wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no.

You have been split up a long time and have both moved on. Nice if he did offer to pay but doesn't sound like he's going to.

Well aren't he and his partner a well matched pair with attitudes like that?

His partner better hope she never ends as a single mum to his other kid then.

I wouldn't be surprised if as soon as she's out of education contact with her dad stops.

It wouldn't be fair to ask her to ask her dad for a contribution to her lessons;I bet he'd have said to her that he gave the OP enough money towards her in maintenance.

If it only cost £50 a week to raise a kid then lots of people would probably have more children

Personally, I wouldn’t give him another chance to say “no”.

YANBU to expect him to contribute. Driving is a life skill, learning is part of a persons education. So much easier to do at 17 than 25 .
I completely understand that not every family can afford to contribute, but if he can, he most certainly should.
That said, my parents funded my lessons, but I had to work for my first car & the running costs. But I am ancient

Yanbu to ask although from your post I doubt he will say yes. Why can’t your DD get a part time job to contribute?

YANBU to ask, but you already knew he wouldn't.
Is the maintenance he is paying "enough: in terms of CMS? If not put a claim in, you don't have long left to claim but you might as well.

If she's in approved education or training can you not contact the CMS and get more than the £50 pittance he's currently paying?

Driving isn't an essential life skill. It would be nice if he wanted to contribute just like it's nice that you want to pay for it for her. But I don't know anyone who's parents paid for their driving lessons, it just wasn't a thing when I was that age.

I know this is totally out of step on here though where it's seen as life skill that parents need to fund as soon as their kids turn 17. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Harsh words from some pps...I think helping a 17yo to drive is perfectly normal and acceptable and it sounds like you've saved a good chunk. Not much more you can do if ex won't help but IMO he should. I fully intend helping my dds out in the future with driving, as I was helped with learning and funding my first car.

Hopefully your dd can get earning and saving towards the deficit as you're unlikely to get it out of unreasonable ex!

Driving is an essential life skill especially when your paying that much for buses does he have a clue how much it costs for a child?

My ex bitched about (and didn't actually pay) £5 a week to me apparently I had plenty of cash and I would only "waste" it anyway her bus fare was £10 a week they didn't get the math

YANBU to ask but I also think YABU for being angry with him for not paying, giving his past history.

He's obviously no great prize - he pays less than £200 a month and barely sees his child - why would he be interested in paying for driving lessons?

I also would say, even if he had her 50% of the time and paid £200 a week, he would be under no obligation to pay for driving lessons. Lots of married couples don't cover those costs for their teens - that's what student jobs are for.

@Squirrelblanket it completely depends where you live as to whether driving can be considered a life skill. Where I grew up public transport was absolutely useless, all my friends learned to drive at 17 and most had at least access to a car if not their own. Parents were presumably pleased to no longer play taxi and we could apply for part time jobs in a range of places instead of just those accessible by the limited bus routes

I don't think YABU and expect this nonsense from my ex in the future for our children. You would help your children with these life skills. I tried to work this into the financial agreement but he refused (also medical care as who know what nhs dentistry will be in years to come) and secondary school trips and uniform).

You have my sympathy.

Perhaps your DD could contact her father and ask herself and say that Mum is paying as much as she can but could he help out. I doubt very much he would help if you asked, as you’ve asked before.