To ask EXH to contribute to driving lessons?

[ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower]

Background: EXH and I have a daughter between us and split about 14 years ago, both now moved on with new partners and another child each. He sees our DD maybe half a dozen times a year, rarely over night. He pays basic maintenance (less than £50 weekly via CMS) and has never, ever contributed to anything else (school trips etc). I did once ask him to go halves on a residential trip, and he was non committal, his partner then contacted me and told me in no uncertain terms that 'they' give me enough already, and IABU to expect any more.

DD will be 17 soon, and wants to learn to drive. I've saved up a bit towards lessons, first car and first year's insurance, and was hoping that her Dad might help towards the lessons as they're quite expensive and I don't think I'll have enough to cover it. DH and I aren't well off, we're already paying nearly £1000 a year for DD college travel, plus she's doing an arts related course that has cost us a fair bit for specialist equipment (normally would be borrowed from school, Covid means they no longer lend stuff out). She also has music lessons, and other things like most kids.

His response... That's what he pays maintenance for, he would have expected me to have 'thousands' put aside for her by now given how long he's been paying. He doesn't think I should be using maintenance to pay bills; I don't think he's living in the real world! I try to reason with him but he won't budge.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable - I'm so angry with him and perhaps that's clouding my perspective somewhat.

I should also add, that DD does have a job and is saving some money herself, but she couldn't work during lockdown so it's not gone too well!

I would personally have told the whole world he pays less for your dd’s maintenance than his sky subscription. Selfish bugger.

*She doesn't EXPECT us to pay for her - I (and DH) want to help her"
It's great, you want to help, he doesn't. His right.

Your daughter will appreciate your support, know that her dad isn't that bothered. He probably won't matter much to her as she becomes an adult. It will be his loss.

Forget about him and the dad he is. You already knew that he wasn't prepared to pay more than what he is duty bound to. He isn't worth getting upset about.

My kids both paid half for their licence working. That meant so much more to them to know they were contributing, it's a big part of growing up.

DD should ask. You may wish to explain that dad has given you £50 a week towards her upbringing but this is obviously an added expensive expense. She's old enough to know how far £50 doesn't go, so she should ask with knowledge. If she's planning on uni she'll presumably be asking for him to pay half of that?

I'm surprised you even bothered asking. From the tiny bit you've told us about him, it was kind of obvious he would say no.

Yanbu to think he should help, but he oats £50 a week for his kid and thinks that should have been savings for her. That's how stupid he is.

Take what little he gives you until he stops and pretend the sperm donor doesn't exist. Best thing for everyone. He doesn't want to be known either anyway.

Pretty obvious from what happened before he wasn't going to help but if he was half decent he would have done.
My parents helped pay for my lessons and first car. The only job I could get was a Saturday one and would have taken forever to pay for lessons and a car if my parents hadn't helped.
Don't see anything wrong with parents helping their children. It's not like OPs daughter is 30 and in full-time employment.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss its not remotely realistic to claim someone's basic living costs would be the same with or without children! An adult living alone, or a couple without children or dependants, need one bedroom, run the washing machine say twice per week, and use less electicity, and heat less water for showers than an adult with a dependant child, let alone with two or three children. A boy and a girl over about 8 need a bedroom each. Nowhere is a three bed property the same price to buy or rent and heat and run generally as a comparable one bed property. Basic accommodation costs are very obviously higher with children than without!

I can never understand what world these men live in that they think that their £50 per week could possibly provide everything their dc might need. I wouldn’t ask and I would only encourage dd to ask if I could be sure that she wouldn’t be hurt by the answer.

Really the system needs to change as it is far too easy for absent fathers to pull this shit.

His reason for not paying is ridiculous but I don't think he's obliged to pay for driving lessons. Some parents do if they can afford it. My parents didn't because they couldn't afford it. I had a job at 16 so paid for it from my wages. My sister didn't get a job until after uni and had to wait until then.