To be such a bitter old bag?

[BitterLemonSucker]

I have had a pretty hard life starting from as far back as I can remember. I have had the sort of bad luck that most people wouldn’t believe, completely not of my making. I have tried to rise above it and remember that there are plenty of others who’ve had it worse than me but I am fast approaching 50 and am just getting more bitter by the day! I sometimes think I’ve been cursed or must have been something abominable in a past life!

Anyho, we’ve just had new neighbours move into a house up the road. It’s a beautiful detached house. It’s been empty for over a year and I will admit to occasionally daydreaming about winning the lottery and living in it instead of our run down, cramped rented semi which has no soundproofing at all and we have to be really conscious of making noise as we know the neighbour can hear everything.

The new owners are a very young couple with young DC, expensive cars and I have seen what looks like their parents around helping them move in and take their DC out. The man smiled at me this morning and I didn’t smile back.

I feel like so horrible as I’m insanely jealous of people with parents who aren’t abusive and who didn’t abandon them, who’s siblings didn’t sexually abuse them, who’s mental health isn’t fucked from years of childhood psychological abuse and multiple major traumas in adulthood, who can hold down a job, who have enough money to live a decent life, who believes they deserve friends and have the confidence to make them, who don’t have a very difficult to manage disabled child who’ll rely on them for life, etc, etc.

My life has been so unfair compared to the majority of others. AIBU to be so bloody bitter?

Any ideas on what to do about it would be great too but don’t say counselling. I’ve paid out for enough of it and really can’t afford any more!

Those are just material things OP. There's always someone better off than you & trust me not everyone's parents help out like theirs do. I had a crappy childhood tho not on the scale you have . I tell myself there's always someone better off, so just concentrate on appreciating what I have & that considering I've never had the basic foundations of supportive family etc I've done great. Can you do up your home room by room? Do you have support & adult time to breathe & regroup with your disabled child? If not look at those . I also put my good points & achievements however small on a post it on my mirror so whenever I'm being negative & beating myself up like you are doing it makes me see the reality. It sounds naff & I was eye rolling when it was suggested, but actually it reinforces the reality & stops the negative thinking that isn't always accurate. It's easy to catastrophise when you're struggling.

I’m a bitter old bag as well. Massively jealous of mums who don’t have lifelong pain and messed up bodies from giving birth. People keep telling me it’s ok because I have lovely DC - well other mums also have lovely DC but they don’t have to live with their body in this state.

It always sounds trite and patronising, so apologies! But looking at what you have got and not what you haven't helps, and material things are just that, they don't help the inner 'you'. Life throws all kinds of crap at us, but let those experiences mould you in to a stronger, wiser person, don't let them crush you.

I sometimes feel like this after a horribly abusive childhood and then getting into an abusive relationship as an adult because I didn't know the red flags to look out for or how to set boundaries thanks to my parents. I try and remind myself when I'm feeling like that how many people have it way worse than me and would kill to be in my position.

Most people are middle of the road, some better than you some worse off. Allow yourself a bit of a wallow for the challenges you've faced ans then try to re focus on something more positive

I get it.

You are not unreasonable, it is unfair! That doesn't make it the fault of the people who's lives have gone well, bit of course you should have had the same opportunities.

@CrazyNeighbour

You have no idea what their life is like. You don’t know anything about them and what they may have experienced. And indeed what might be down the road for them.

It is so so unfair to in effect hold them responsible for your unhappiness.
Make your own happiness!

This.

You can be in pain and still be friendly to others.

What to do about it? Don’t berate yourself for feeling that way. And whenever you can, be fucking nice to yourself.

I get it. I have so much random bad luck that various people have sarcastically nicknamed me lucky. You know when 99% of people will be fine, I regularly am in the 1% that isn't.

By which I mean really really nice

Oh and it’s not your job to be sweet and friendly to others if you don’t feel able to. As long as you aren’t actively nasty, forget the #bekind bullshit.

Unfortunately I think too much bitterness can eat you up inside, which isn't going to make you happier.

You're both reasonable and unreasonable.

Tell yourself either depending on what will help.

I actually think it's normal to be envious when others have a better life, and healthy to acknowledge that, be a bit bitter, and wallow occasionally.

Having said all that, don't be casting skanky looks at the new neighbours, obviously .

When I smile or say hello to someone and they blank me I always think "well, maybe they've had/have a miserable life"! So your post has kinda validated that for me in a way!

Sorry you had such a crap childhood, mine was nowhere as bad as yours but it wasn't great either. Bipolar df committed suicide when I was 10 (after an attempt on his life right in front of me). Grew up in horrible, crappy area, we were very poor, distant/disinterested dm, I was a teenage mum working on minimum wage etc.

But that was in the past, I've turned my life around and try not to dwell on the bad things as where does it lead you? I know it's a cliche but you've got to choose to be happy, you're only hurting yourself otherwise.

There will always be someone who looks like they have it better than you OP but also on the other hand to some it seems you have it better also...just because it seems they have helpful parents (are you even sure they are their parents?!) they could have had a traumatic childhood too, they will have their own shit! Everyone does.

A girl I know who I always thought and I still think looks like she has it ALL...also suffers from anxiety and her dad beat her mum. It's not all rosy.

What can you do?
You can only play the hand you are dealt.
I think feeling bitter is understandable but the envy will eat at you.
Do you somehow feel you should have done things differently?

I feel like this at times especially recently. Events in my past have shaped my life and how I feel and I'm really resentful of other people who haven't had to deal with that especially those who (in my eyes) whine about trivial things and get sympathy and help.

However I'm switched on enough to realise that this is ridiculous. There are people who've had it much worse than me and the only person I hurt by being so bitter is myself - it doesn't change anything.

I'm working really hard to change my mindset as I don't like the person I've become. I do get how you feel OP but letting the bitterness overtake everything is not the answer - I'm sorry I cant say what is though.

You don't have any control over lots of what has happened not you and whilst it is obviously natural to ruminate on your bad luck and to be a bit envious of those who have been luckier in life, it won't make things better for you, it will make things worse.

The serenity prayer is absolutely made for people who feel bitter about the kind of.life they were given

Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Why not start with the wisdom bit and work on out what about your life you can't change and what you can. Then work on the courage to change what you can and with luck the serenity about what you can't change will follow

Good luck

I think people on here have been a bit harsh. Yes some people will have it worse than you but 1. Not many, in the UK, and 2. That doesn't really help. There is literally someone alive that has it worse for everyone in the world, bar one, and that doesn't negate everyone elses suffering. Not many people would come out of childhood abuse and neglect and CSA with a positive attitude to be honest.

I know you say not more counselling but have you tried cbt? It's more about correcting negative thought patterns. So wont address the past or even help you come to terms with it but it might be able to just retrain your brain to help with the thoughts of 'why me' and the jealousy?

I get it OP. There was a guy I was friends with at work and his wife had this fantastic job, mega bonuses, first flat bought by her parents. She got pregnant exactly when they planned. Sold the flat and bought a beautiful house. One day he was telling me how much they stand to inherit and I’ll admit I just felt sick. Some people have literally everything fall into their laps and others have to fight for the smallest of things.

I just always tell myself that life isn’t fair. That’s the bottom line. I have learnt to appreciate what I do have, which is actually a lot considering what I came from. Through my work I’ve met women who have suffered multiple traumas and ended up on drugs, then doing sex work to buy drugs. Living on the streets etc. I am thankful I didn’t go down that route. I actually don’t think there is enough help for people who have suffered trauma. You’re kind of expected to just get on with it and get over it.

I’ve just mentally put the past away in a box. I know they say that’s the worst thing to do, you need to face it and deal with it etc. But honestly I don’t agree. My life goes much better when I blank out the bad stuff. Works a lot better for me than dredging it up over and over. You can’t undo what’s done and no amount of counselling is going to make me “accept” it.

Don't feel obliged to smile, you're not there to make them feel better.

Just realised I've been trimming my (young and healthy) neighbour's hedges for years and they never thank me. Fuck em.

Hi OP. I am one half of a young couple woth a young DC that has moved into a detatched house recently. I hasnt been empty a year though and there arent any semis on the street so I dont think you're talking about us. We have some people who arent that friendly to us on our street. Thats fine, we just dont make any effort to get the know them. Other neighbours we're quite friemdly with.

My point is that if you spread bitter behaviour around, that exactly what you'll get back. Thats fine if you want that and you're ok with it, and of course you're not obligated to be friendly. If you're not though, maybe break the cycle with a smile? Might be the start of some healing? Maybe a friendship? Maybe the start of a positive outlook?

I get it OP. Life really isn't fair.

I will never bother with neighbors again after my last lot. Try not to think about them (it is hard though).