To be such a bitter old bag?

[BitterLemonSucker]

I have had a pretty hard life starting from as far back as I can remember. I have had the sort of bad luck that most people wouldn’t believe, completely not of my making. I have tried to rise above it and remember that there are plenty of others who’ve had it worse than me but I am fast approaching 50 and am just getting more bitter by the day! I sometimes think I’ve been cursed or must have been something abominable in a past life!

Anyho, we’ve just had new neighbours move into a house up the road. It’s a beautiful detached house. It’s been empty for over a year and I will admit to occasionally daydreaming about winning the lottery and living in it instead of our run down, cramped rented semi which has no soundproofing at all and we have to be really conscious of making noise as we know the neighbour can hear everything.

The new owners are a very young couple with young DC, expensive cars and I have seen what looks like their parents around helping them move in and take their DC out. The man smiled at me this morning and I didn’t smile back.

I feel like so horrible as I’m insanely jealous of people with parents who aren’t abusive and who didn’t abandon them, who’s siblings didn’t sexually abuse them, who’s mental health isn’t fucked from years of childhood psychological abuse and multiple major traumas in adulthood, who can hold down a job, who have enough money to live a decent life, who believes they deserve friends and have the confidence to make them, who don’t have a very difficult to manage disabled child who’ll rely on them for life, etc, etc.

My life has been so unfair compared to the majority of others. AIBU to be so bloody bitter?

Any ideas on what to do about it would be great too but don’t say counselling. I’ve paid out for enough of it and really can’t afford any more!

I could have wrote this myself. You are not unreasonable to feel bitter Life is incredibly unfair and no amount of therapy can change how your rubbish upbringing has ruined your chances of a life similar to your new neighbours.

No matter how many extra hoops you jump through to try and better your life it's always one step forward and 2 steps back. I get very envious when I see people spending time with parents or grandparents spending time with grandchildren. It causes this heavy, empty feeling inside and it's unbearable.

To try and get through it I just try and picture that little girl I was all those years ago and imagine how amazingly happy and relieved she would be with everything I have today. I don't have much but I'm safe and I'm free and that is all I longed for all those years ago. Everything else is a bonus.

@nellly

I sometimes feel like this after a horribly abusive childhood and then getting into an abusive relationship as an adult because I didn't know the red flags to look out for or how to set boundaries thanks to my parents. I try and remind myself when I'm feeling like that how many people have it way worse than me and would kill to be in my position.

Most people are middle of the road, some better than you some worse off. Allow yourself a bit of a wallow for the challenges you've faced ans then try to re focus on something more positive

I have days when I am furious at the world in general for being so unfair. Mostly though I try to focus on little acts of kindness towards others. It's a kind of defiance, like saying "I control how I act towards others. My past will not define me". Even though your past can make future you poor and see you struggle every day, still it can't stop you saying a kind word or making a kind gesture. It's a little thing but it makes me feel better.

To clarify, you have new neighbours who are probably incredibly excited and happy moving into their new home and because you’ve had a hard life, you potentially make them feel like shit by not even smiling or acknowledging them? They probably worry they’ve done something to upset you already or at the very least, the experience has been marginally tainted thinking they’ve moved next to a potential miserable old bat.
And you’re wondering if you are being unreasonable?
Yes. Yes you are.

I’ve had a hard life but I try to smile anytime someone new moves in next to me even if I have to force myself (which is most times) because my problems aren’t theres and I’m bloody glad no one has gone through what I’ve been through.

Is it fair you’ve been subjected to a life like that? Fuck no but it happened and bringing everyone else down with you isn’t going to achieve anything.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you're being very human. Your young life sounds like it was horrendous, from the brief sketch you've given us and completely out of your own control. Very few people will have had as bad a time as you describe so I don't think it's unreasonable to be envious of practically everyone else.

Having said that, if you're posting here it feels like maybe you don't want the feelings of bitterness and envy to define your future so I suppose the question could change from are you being unreasonable (no) to what could you do to have the future you would prefer? Unhelpfully, I think that's a question only you can answer. What would you like (bearing in mind that nobody has a magic wand and if I find one, I'm keeping it for my wishes which are completely selfish, self serving and impractical)...

I think actually accepting life isn’t fair, you grow up being abused and abandoned it’s can impact your whole life

My very core I lack self esteem I can’t trust people I struggle in relationships I struggle believing I can achieve so have often given up leaving me not so financially off as I could be it’s a constant battle with myself it’s exhausting

No we don’t know what their life is like behind closed doors but accepting that your childhood has made your life a struggle is part of accepting who you are and yes it’s ok to be angry and feel life isn’t fair becuase for some is us it’s been particularly cruel

Some people thrive after childhoods like yours or mine many sadly don’t

And as for therapy I have years of therapy it’s hasn’t changed how I feel just made that doubt and insecurity easier to compromise with

I think bitter is an awful word. What else is bitterness than a feeling of sadness and anger that lasts for a long time? And you have plenty of reasons to feel sad and angry. I don't think anyone else can, or should, tell you that there's anything wrong with how you feel.

I hope that one day, in some way or another, you get to feel peace and happiness. But I don't think you can force it. I think you should let the emotions flow through you.

I’m so lucky now I can read, watch listen to what I want, yep life has been crap to me as well but I’m finding as I get older I turn things around for me now, dh has sports on tv means I can spend more time doing what want, birthdays I spoil myself this year big time,.

How you are feeling is completely normal so try not to add shame or disapproval towards yourself for feeling like this on top of everything else.

There is that quote -

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You can't change the past but you can make small steps towards a better future - I know if doesn't seem like it sometimes but make a small change every day towards joy. And it's a bit woo woo but try to imagine that there's a huge positive energy surrounding the new neighbours like a big swirling cloud of loveliness and it's drifting your way.

Their positive energy and good luck could be contagious - better to have a little sunshine on the street than a black cloud casting shade towards you.

Also smiling even if you are not feeling it can help you - studies have shown that even forcing a fake smile can trick your brain into releasing certain hormones including dopamine and serotonin which are the ones we feel when happy. So you are not smiling for them you are smiling for you next time you see them.

@Returnoftheowl

Unfortunately I think too much bitterness can eat you up inside, which isn't going to make you happier.

This.

I've had some very, very difficult times in life - I am even older than you, OP. I try extremely hard not to be bitter about things, but to try and focus on the positives, because frankly the only person that bitterness hurts is you.

It affects no one else if you are bitter inside. It just makes life even shittier for you. Why would you do that to yourself?

Hi, OP.

The things you have suffered as a child -being a victim of childhood sexual abuse and having abusive parents who abandoned you - will have profoundly affected your trust in the world, confidence in people and the way you view yourself. These are not easy things to “get over” as they define the way you see yourself and your place in the world.

The things that have happened to you were serious and awful. And while being sexually abused as a child by a family member and then being abandoned by your parents is, sadly, not that rare it is also not that common. I think you’re entirely reasonable to feel sorry for the yourself and mourn the loss of your childhood, among other things. The trick is to acknowledge the sadness and loss while not letting it overwhelm you and to figure out a productive way to move on.

I’m not sure you should take other poster’s advice to think of all the other people who have at worse. Of course some people have it worse and you never do know what’s going behind closed doors but this advice is asking you to give others empathy when what you are wanting - and what you deserve - is empathy and kindness as well. You cannot guarantee others will give you this, so you must try to treat yourself with kindness.

I’m not sure I have a definite answer to how to move past the bitterness for you. But the first step in recovering is to be aware of your feelings & behaviours. The next is to think through them. You’re already doing this - which is more than halfway there. The next steps are to let yourself feel the uncomfortable feelings and forgive yourself for them. Then hopefully you will be able to challenge the thoughts and feelings and, eventually, be able to make new productive coping skills.

It might also be worth remembering that many people, despite their best efforts, cannot really understand what you’ve gone through and the profound effect they have on a person. And these type of topics make the majority of people uncomfortable. So try not to take it too personally if people’s responses end up hurting your feelings/making you feel worse. (Easier said than done, I know).

Very best wishes.

Who cares if you didn't smile back at a stranger? You don't owe them anything, and you're allowed to have days when you feel like this.

Life can be very unfair and difficult but bitterness as a state of mind is not going to be helpful to you OP. I think it's good to acknowledge your own feelings and pain though and also that lotus flowers bloom in dirty water.

If someone smiles at me it lifts my day and I smile back.

@dayswithaY

Who cares if you didn't smile back at a stranger? You don't owe them anything, and you're allowed to have days when you feel like this.

Oh come in. It's not a random stranger in the street, it's a neighbour, and one who has only just moved in. It's always someone's choice to smile or not, but let's not pretend it's anything other than intentionally unwelcoming and unsettling for the neighbour.

We can't just spread the pain around and justify it because we were hurt. Almost certainly anyone who abused us as vulnerable children was abused too in the same way, but they failed to break the cycle - that's why compassion to others and ourselves is necessary, or we just perpetuate misery.

You have no idea what goes on or has gone on in their life - people don't wear signs on their forehead. So you might see then having "all the luck" when that really isn't the case. For example I know someone who from the outside looks like she has everything, a really privileged life, but has actually undergone a really traumatic kidnapping and rape. Another friend who lost their entire family in a car crash where they were the only survivor as a young child, and I have an invisible illness that affects me every day. You wouldn't know any of that from looking at us.

The say comparison is the thief of joy, and it really is true. It's hard not to be jealous of those who seem to have it all, but most people have things going on behind the scenes.