To be such a bitter old bag?

[BitterLemonSucker]

I have had a pretty hard life starting from as far back as I can remember. I have had the sort of bad luck that most people wouldn’t believe, completely not of my making. I have tried to rise above it and remember that there are plenty of others who’ve had it worse than me but I am fast approaching 50 and am just getting more bitter by the day! I sometimes think I’ve been cursed or must have been something abominable in a past life!

Anyho, we’ve just had new neighbours move into a house up the road. It’s a beautiful detached house. It’s been empty for over a year and I will admit to occasionally daydreaming about winning the lottery and living in it instead of our run down, cramped rented semi which has no soundproofing at all and we have to be really conscious of making noise as we know the neighbour can hear everything.

The new owners are a very young couple with young DC, expensive cars and I have seen what looks like their parents around helping them move in and take their DC out. The man smiled at me this morning and I didn’t smile back.

I feel like so horrible as I’m insanely jealous of people with parents who aren’t abusive and who didn’t abandon them, who’s siblings didn’t sexually abuse them, who’s mental health isn’t fucked from years of childhood psychological abuse and multiple major traumas in adulthood, who can hold down a job, who have enough money to live a decent life, who believes they deserve friends and have the confidence to make them, who don’t have a very difficult to manage disabled child who’ll rely on them for life, etc, etc.

My life has been so unfair compared to the majority of others. AIBU to be so bloody bitter?

Any ideas on what to do about it would be great too but don’t say counselling. I’ve paid out for enough of it and really can’t afford any more!

@Letsallscreamatthesistene how is she spreading bitter behaviour around?! Have some empathy.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@Letsallscreamatthesistene how is she spreading bitter behaviour around?! Have some empathy.[/quote]
You get the behaviour back you give out. She called herself bitter.

"You know when 99% of people will be fine, I regularly am in the 1% that isn't",

Can definitely relate to this. You can only hope one day your luck will change.

I get it op, life is so unfair. But what I would say is that the bitterness you are feeling is only affecting you! Please try and let it go for your own sake.

Fingers crossed better times are just around the corner for you.

You get the behaviour back you give out. She called herself bitter.

That’s not spreading bitterness about. She’s not obligated to smile at anyone.

Life is really crap and unjust isn't it. Honestly I was going to suggest counselling but if you don't want that, then you have to figure something else out that might help you.
Bitterness is such a weight to carry around (speaking as somebody who tends towards bitterness). The most harmful thing for me is trying to carry on pretending I'm not bitter. Telling my friends and other trusted people helps, usually because they help me find the funny side, or at least give me a bit of sympathy. It is a very toxic feeling though, so loads of understanding from me

@tallduckandhandsome

You get the behaviour back you give out. She called herself bitter.

That’s not spreading bitterness about. She’s not obligated to smile at anyone.

I LITERALLY said that in my post. My point was that she cannot expect people to be friendly back to her after not smiling back to someone whos been friendly. You get back the behaviour you give out.

The strongest people are those who are still kind and gentle to others despite immense suffering in their lives. It's not being a martyr it's just not turning into a dickhead, or atleast trying to. Being bitter is ok (your choice) but don't try to bring others down, because you don't know what they've been through in the past or what they're going through right now. If you overcame obstacles in life and still tried to reach out to others and extend kindness when things started to get better for you, imagine someone judging you just like you have done. Personally I would introduce yourself and apologise.

BitterLemonSucker, I quite understand how annoying this is. You have every right to feel bitter.

I think you need to meet people who have had misfortunes as bad as your own. There are plenty of them. It is a shame people, especially conventional people, hide their dark sides from others' view.

Me too. The older I get the more bitter. Hugs to you op

Have you considered medication? Antidepressants or anything like that? I used to be very bitter after going through a few things.... but since being on sertraline, I've been so much more positive. At that time in my life, I also tried to carve out time to do nice things, just for me. Like having a soak in the bath while watching something on the iPad, going for a massage, taking up a creative hobby. I also read some articles on "training your amygdala" I.e the part of your brain that governs emotion etc. It made me realise that there were things I could do to get myself in a better place.... like daily mindfulness/ meditation.

It sounds like you've had a rubbish life so far.... but you are in charge of what you make of the rest of it. I wish you all the luck in the world

I get you OP, life isn't fair. I am about as bitter as you and I haven't suffered anywhere near as much.

I can say to pps though, this sort of thinking You have no idea what their life is like. You don’t know anything about them and what they may have experienced. And indeed what might be down the road for them. doesn't help. Because many people do live charmed lives, and if you really find out what their life is like, what they've experienced, and what's down the road for them, you'll see that their life is great, they've experienced nothing bad and never will. So you'll end up even more depressed.

I just try to distract myself with thoughts about other topics rather than try to justify things by thinking "well they must be secretly unhappy" etc.

I thought this about one of my neighbours as he had a lovely car, used to go out for golf, always dressed professionally in suits, seemed to have friends coming around at weekends, had everything going for him.

Then one weekend I heard the most awful screaming and his sister had found him dead inside the flat. He had committed suicide.

So I suppose my point is that you never know, although I do understand the bitterness. I am in pain with each step I take due to a foot injury that never healed properly following surgery and it has taken all of my dreams. It is very difficult to not resent people who can walk normally without pain and don't appreciate it/realise the doors it opens to just be able to walk without pain and not worry about the future/independence/etc. I suppose we all have our black bears.

I don't think you're BU exactly: its understandable to feel hard done by.

But I do think your mindset doesn't do you any favours and more or less guarantees that you will spread negativity. If you approach people with an open mind you may be pleasantly surprised. As it is you seem almost to be going out of your way to attract negativity to you.

It sounds as if you've had a very hard life and I sympathise. But at some point as adults we have to take responsibility for our own behaviour and the way we interact with the rest of the world.

Other people who have had more good fortune don't owe you for this.

Sorry, black bear is the wrong phrase but I hope people know what I mean. I mean that it's understandable to be bitter if bad things have happened that have adversely affected you and they may be different for everyone. For me I valued being outside, being active, very highly, so it was different for me than maybe for someone else, I don't know. Some people have no trauma, some people have a huge amount. I'd say the only thing that could maybe help is just not to compare because 1. you never truly know what's going on for neighbours and 2. comparing brings nothing anyway because life isn't fair and nothing has ever said it was, unfortunately x

But at some point as adults we have to take responsibility for our own behaviour and the way we interact with the rest of the world.

I know a guy who has come from an awful childhood (think neglect, foster care, bullying - horrible) and everything was someone elses fault. He blamed all his shortcomings on his childhood and made no effort to change. Lying, cheating etc. He had a watershed moment where a girlfriend walked out on him and sort of took control a bit. He now has a load of friends. Hes a really nice guy.

OP, I get it.

You have had an undeservedly hard life and when you see people who (appear?) to have it easier than you, you feel the great sense of unfairness intensely.

Don’t blame yourself for feeling like this. I think your response is quite understandable. The problem is, if you sit with anger, bitterness and resentment for too long it will eat you up.

I think you have to accept how you feel but then give yourself permission to build positively on your life and what you do have. Think about what you want to do and start to treat yourself with kindness. Maybe it’s just buying a new lipstick or going for a coffee with a friend? You deserve to be happy so try not to dwell too long on the unfairness of life.

You have no idea of what their life is like. He could have been abused as a child, his beautiful wife just cheated on him, and he's worried about affording the new mortgage because he lost his job right after the purchase went through.

And while his new house might be nice, he's now a bit worried about the neighbours, as when he saw one she didn't even acknowledge their arrival with a smile, let alone a hello.

There's no point being bitter, you harm yourself and make the world worse. Normally I don't like the argument that there's always someone worse off, but bluntly, 60% of the world's population don't have a toilet. You are seriously not in the bottom 1% of luck.

I completely get what you mean and I often have to stop myself thinking the way you do. But you have to remember that everyone is battling something. A lot of people would look at your life and be envious thinking yours is better than theirs.

What may help you is doing some volunteer work for a homeless shelter or something.

OP, you are carrying some very heavy emotional baggage from your traumatic past.
I’m not surprised you feel exhausted, bitter and negative, dragging that lot around with you.
Not to mention envious of other people travelling through life with light hand luggage or hands free.
Why not check all that excess baggage into a cargo hold somewhere and let go of it? Decide that it is “not wanted on voyage”.
You don’t have to let it spoil your present and future, however much it has dragged you down in the past.
Deciding to let it go, to face a different future with optimism, and a determination to have a better life, are all possible.
Maybe start with doing one nice thing for yourself each day. Think of it as cancelling out the bad times, one treat at a time. Maybe also do some volunteering or charity donating, to help you feel better off than the poor souls you are helping, and who need your kindness.
Mindsets can be shifted, however entrenched they seem. Bitterness doesn’t grow unless you feed and nurture it, nursing your grudges - try nurturing some love and positivity instead.
Inside that “bitter old bag” is a delightful lovable woman, longing to get out!
Best wishes OP. I hope you find the happy person you were meant to be. God bless.

"60% of the world's population don't have a toilet. You are seriously not in the bottom 1% of luck."

Reflecting on my blessings does help my bitterness and makes me more practical.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I LITERALLY said that in my post. My point was that she cannot expect people to be friendly back to her after not smiling back to someone whos been friendly. You get back the behaviour you give out.

You LITERALLY said she’s spreading bitterness. Where has she said she expects people to be friendly to her.

Your mental health is not your fault but it is your responsibility. You are obviously utterly miserable - have you been to the dr? It could be depression, the menopause…… you get one life and you need to make the most of it. Please get some help… it heartbreaking to hear

I’m insanely jealous of people with parents who aren’t abusive and who didn’t abandon them, who’s siblings didn’t sexually abuse them, who’s mental health isn’t fucked from years of childhood psychological abuse and multiple major traumas in adulthood, who can hold down a job, who have enough money to live a decent life, who believes they deserve friends and have the confidence to make them

Aside from "parents didn't abandon them" and "have enough money" you have no way of knowing which of the above applies to the family you're so feel envious of. You're imagining they have perfect lives but few people do. And parental abuse, sexual abuse, mental illness, traumatic events, relationship problems and employment difficulties aren't things that only happen if your bank balance is below a certain amount. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Maybe the parents/in laws in this family are overbearing and controlling, not close and loving. Maybe the husband has accrued loads of debt and they're moving because they can't afford the mortgage on their previous larger home? Maybe they came into money via a tragedy -- life insurance, or as compensation for a serious crime. Maybe somebody, or several beloved somebodies, died.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I LITERALLY said that in my post. My point was that she cannot expect people to be friendly back to her after not smiling back to someone whos been friendly. You get back the behaviour you give out.

You LITERALLY said she’s spreading bitterness. Where has she said she expects people to be friendly to her.[/quote]
If you're not going to read my post and infer meaning where it wasnt intended then theres no point engaging with you. Have a nice day.