To leave him because he smokes?

[Owllime]

DH didn't smoke when we met, it's not something we ever spoke about so its not like he was adamantly against it, but it's not something I really considered when we had our DS.

Since he was born he has taken up smoking, he is an adult he can do as he likes etc, but DS is now 3, he has viral wheeze so we have spent many nights in hospital, he has to have a steroid inhaler, and all round be careful due to his breathing. The HV, doctors etc have all told him to make sure he smokes outside (which he does), and then change top, wash hands, use mouthwash and ideally leave 20 mins or so before being around DS. I get that the last one is tricky, but he won't do the others. He makes no effort and gets really angry when I mention the truth that coming straight in from a cigarette with it all over his hands, over his top, and stinking of it isn't good for any child; let alone one who runs a high risk of going on to develop asthma.

I honestly want to take DS out of the environment, but I worry if he then sees him alone (I wouldn't want to get in the way of him seeing his son or restrict access or whatever), he would carry on anyway.

I don't know what to do, I feel so stressed about it all of the time, and he obviously doesn't give a crap about either of us to not bother taking a minute or so to do those simple things.

Is it unreasonable to leave him over this? Would you worry what he would be like when he sees him alone?

I would be considering it. He is ignoring the advice of medical professionals because he dislikes being told what to do. He is wilfully endangering your son. That's the real issue from my perspective. I am sorry you're going through this.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t take reasonable steps to protect his child’s health

Yeah thank you that's my thoughts. It's not like I have demanded he stops (although that would be amazing), just takes a few steps to try and reduce the risk that he is bringing into the house.

I personally couldn't be with someone who smokes. Their choice to smoke, my choice not to be around it. I find it repulsive and it gives me a headache, let alone how much it costs and the eventual health problems (my gran died of lung cancer within 3 months at 67 years old - she was like a mother to me).

My DH knows if he ever started, we wouldn't be staying together. Even more so now we have our son.

It happens, my BIL left my Dsis as she wouldn't stop wearing strong perfume that seriously affected his asthma.

To take up smoking when your child is born is extremely selfish I think, and exceptionally selfish to continue when it's affecting your child's health. It seems an odd thing to do to be honest if he was a non smoker before.
If it's a deal breaker for you then of course you can leave.

That's amazingly selfish that his habit takes precedent over his sons health. That says it all for me, my respect for him would plummet and I couldn't view him as a serious life partner anymore.
The only tiny little benefit of the doubt I could find for your DH would be if he didn't really understand the harm of residual smoke toxins after a cigarette and as such is dismissing the hp advice for his own convenience... But even that is low and pathetic because of he thinks he knows better he could go away and read into it so he knows for himself what risks he is putting on his son. If he really gets it but does it anyway that actively choosing to be harmful!

Yes I would leave.

And to be Frank if he’s not willing to do these things for your child’s health, it’s highly likely that in a year or so he just won’t be part of your sons life. If he is disinterested in your son, that’s not a bad thing

Can you speak to women’s aid to see if you can insist on supervised visits? I know you have said you won’t stand in his way to see DS but contact is supposed to be for the child’s benefit so if DS starts getting sicker then you may need to consider it.

He sounds as though he is not up to the responsibility of parenting tbh, the fact he takes up smoking which is expensive, unhealthy and gives you licence to step out of the house frequently right at the time he should be putting his personal resources into his family is hardly admirable.

I would have left as soon as he started.

There is no reason why he should have started in the first place. It’s one thing to get together with someone who smokes and then wanting them to stop, that was a choice made at the time of getting together, but smoking would be a dealbreaker for me full stop, children or no children.

My and my brother developed asthma because of my dad smoking. Filthy habit . I won’t date a smoker and would leave a partner in a heartbeat if he started smoking .!

If you resent him smoking it’s going to eat away at you. How much does he smoke? Even if he does smoke around child and it’s EOW it’s miles less than 20 a day in the garden.

Who starts smoking as an adult on this day in age!

I would leave him just for that.

I had a friend like this, who smoked around her child, and in the house sometimes too despite her child having asthma, her DS was in and out of hospital all the time having attacks. Otherwise she was a caring, loving, nurturing mum, but she just had this massive blind spot when it came to smoking that I just couldn't understand. She got rid of her perfumes and plug in air fresheners and used non bio washing powder, gave him his inhalers perfectly, all these things which might help his asthma. And then sparked up a cigarette with him in the room "it's alright the windows open"

Makes no sense!

I'd definitely be gone. I had in-laws with a severally asthmatic child who often ended up being blue lighted to hospital with an attack. Both parents and several other family members smoked, up to 40 a day, in the house. It was fine though, as they stayed in the kitchen with the internal doors shut and windows open.

I reckon he always did smoke, just did it on the sly but brought it into the open once he had you trapped, OP.

If, however, he did decide to mark fatherhood by starting to consume a highly addictive poison, then he's just a fucking idiot.

Either way, his refusal to make any adjustments for the benefit of his son's health is simply repellent. I'd certainly leave, in your shoes.

Sorry but I can’t imagine any adult starting smoking. I thought it was something teenagers do to be cool then can’t stop. Smoking is the biggest deal breaker to me in general, but with a child. I’m actually amazed any adult would think what he’s doing is ok. I would leave.

Like previous posters have said- who starts smoking as an adult????
Strange, I'd leave. He sounds odd

I don’t get it at all. People normally give up smoking when they have a kid as they want to be around for them growing up. It just seems unbelievably selfish.

@FetchezLaVache

I reckon he always did smoke, just did it on the sly but brought it into the open once he had you trapped, OP.

If, however, he did decide to mark fatherhood by starting to consume a highly addictive poison, then he's just a fucking idiot.

Either way, his refusal to make any adjustments for the benefit of his son's health is simply repellent. I'd certainly leave, in your shoes.

^ this. Its really weird to take it up as an adult out of the blue.

@Jobseeker19

Who starts smoking as an adult on this day in age!

I would leave him just for that.

Someone who is pretty dim, irresponsible and selfish.

OP, in your position I might well consider it a deal breaker. It is a very expensive habit too, as well as dangerous and stinky. My mother has always been a heavy smoker and gets easily through between two and three full stacks of cigarettes a week. Each stack contains ten packets and costs £93!! So she spends between £200 and £300 a week on it.

Honestly, knowing what I know and experiencing what I have, I would be unable to live with him at all and would want to separate. I would also limit his contact with the child as much as possible.

I am baffled why anyone would take up smoking after a child was born! Both of my parents died prematurely due to smoking related illnesses, I absolutely would not tolerate a smoker in the house. Looking back, my poor brother had severe asthma as a child, no attempt was made to shield him from their smoke, it is mind-boggling to me why they, or anyone, would do that.

So, yes, I would leave.

@CaptainBarbossa

I had a friend like this, who smoked around her child, and in the house sometimes too despite her child having asthma, her DS was in and out of hospital all the time having attacks. Otherwise she was a caring, loving, nurturing mum, but she just had this massive blind spot when it came to smoking that I just couldn't understand. She got rid of her perfumes and plug in air fresheners and used non bio washing powder, gave him his inhalers perfectly, all these things which might help his asthma. And then sparked up a cigarette with him in the room "it's alright the windows open"

Makes no sense!

This would be my mother's reaction. Smokers are ridiculous.

My Dad had COPD from years of smoking a pipe himself. He gave up a couple of years before it killed him (died this year) but my mother continued to light up just feet away from him and he encouraged her to.

She now has COPD herself. It is largely a disease of smokers. She still continues the habit, and if her own COPD is ever mentioned she just shrugs and lights another one. She is 86 now and will never change.

I would leave him, and the reason wouldn’t be his smoking, the reason would be his utter selfishness and disregard for the well-being of your child.

One of the grounds on which you can petition for divorce is unreasonable behaviour. Refusing to take steps to ensure the health and well-being of your child is most definitely unreasonable behaviour.

It's not like I have demanded he stops

I would have as soon as he started. It is a disgusting, expensive, selfish and dangerous habit. It is ridiculous for a new parent to start a new smoking habit.

His attitude to your sons health, rather than the smoking itself, would result in an ultimatum. If he chooses smoking over his family then you know where you and your dc stand.