To leave him because he smokes?

[Owllime]

DH didn't smoke when we met, it's not something we ever spoke about so its not like he was adamantly against it, but it's not something I really considered when we had our DS.

Since he was born he has taken up smoking, he is an adult he can do as he likes etc, but DS is now 3, he has viral wheeze so we have spent many nights in hospital, he has to have a steroid inhaler, and all round be careful due to his breathing. The HV, doctors etc have all told him to make sure he smokes outside (which he does), and then change top, wash hands, use mouthwash and ideally leave 20 mins or so before being around DS. I get that the last one is tricky, but he won't do the others. He makes no effort and gets really angry when I mention the truth that coming straight in from a cigarette with it all over his hands, over his top, and stinking of it isn't good for any child; let alone one who runs a high risk of going on to develop asthma.

I honestly want to take DS out of the environment, but I worry if he then sees him alone (I wouldn't want to get in the way of him seeing his son or restrict access or whatever), he would carry on anyway.

I don't know what to do, I feel so stressed about it all of the time, and he obviously doesn't give a crap about either of us to not bother taking a minute or so to do those simple things.

Is it unreasonable to leave him over this? Would you worry what he would be like when he sees him alone?

Would he wear a zip up hoodie and use wipes on his hands and face when he comes in instead ? To be fair you are giving him so much leeway already and it seems he is taking the absolute piss. As much as I don't like ultimatums, this situation probably warrants one. Either take the medically reccomended precautions or I'm off.

Totally agree. He is being very selfish by not following those steps, like I said. There’s a book written by a man called Alan Carr. Easy way to quit smoking. It has helped millions of people to quit. Maybe get a copy. It could be just what he needs. I read it and was chomping at the bit to put the filthy things down, but you are instructed to keep smoking until you finish the book. It’s actually a very clever way of breaking down the unseen psychological issues associated with smoking. I think even a non smoker could benefit from reading it if their partner smokes - it actually is an interesting read. I don’t know what the solution is for you, as pp have said, even if you left, he still has to see his son and you can’t control what happens during those visits. Perhaps if you left it would ‘encourage’ him to quit?? Good luck whatever decision you make.

Weird thought process he has, that he'll knowingly do something that will be risking his child's health.

Strange.

I agree he's likely an ex smoker.

And yes, smoking is an addiction but the things OP was asking for (changing clothes, washing hands, etc) are simple things he could do fir his son. His lack of effort shows his selfishness and I'd be kicking him out if I were in this position.

When I was first getting to know my partner, I found out that he was a smoker. Only a couple a day, but a smoker all the same. I said to him that I was sorry but there was no way I could date someone who smoked - I worry about health enough as it is due to experiences with family members, and I just couldn't fall in love with a smoker.

He phoned me a month later to say that since I said that to him, he hadn't smoked. I meant so much to him that he gave up something he'd been doing since he was 15.

4 years on and he's still not smoked.

If your DP cared enough about you and your DC, he would give up. YANBU.

I know someone who smokes heavily around her child. She is in complete denial though that she has caused her severe asthma and nasal polyps. Her dd would spend weeks in hospital and then come home to her smoking, even bed sharing. It has had such an impact on her life and health.

One of the main reasons I left my ex was that he refused to stop smoking despite the fact my DD is asthmatic and numerous doctors specifically said he ought to stop.

I know smoking is a serious addiction as an ex smoker and its not always as simple as it sounds to quit. But bottom line is that if you can't put your kids ahead of this you have no place being a parent.

And taking up smoking in later life is just stupid.

My husband suddenly took up pipe smoking for a bit. I absolutely loathed it and said he could only do it in the shed. I don't remember if we went on having sex at that time, we probably weren't doing it a lot anyway as ds was so small, but I could smell it on him (not as badly as I feared, but I could). Luckily he stopped again within a few weeks.

If ds had been harmed by it I'm not sure what I would have done. Do you have anywhere you could go for a bit, your parents or somewhere, just to have a break from having to think about it?

I wouldn’t want to be with a smoker anyway but the fact that he isn’t willing to do basic things to protect your child would absolutely be a dealbreaker.
I would get legal advice to see if you could limit contact after the split so that he isn’t spending time at DH’s new home where he might start smoking indoors. You might be able to use the evidence you have to keep it to contact centres.

@Owllime Dealbreaker.

I'd be taking steps to leave if I was quite young, and I assume you are as you have a 3 y.o.

All this 'smoking is an ADDICTION,' and 'it's so hard to QUIT blah blah blah........ ' is just conjecture ... If you want to quit, you can and WILL. Anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it. Saying 'I can't' is rubbish. You just don't want to do it enough, is what it is...

And the fact he has started smoking since the birth of your child is disgusting, and for this reason, I would be telling him that if he doesn't quit, you're done.

Smoking is a putrid habit, and I don't know why, in 2021, any level-headed, intelligent person would do it. Plus, even though, many moons ago (pre 1970s) people looked cool (in movies and so on) when they were having a smoke, it looks grubby and grimy now, and makes the people who do it look 'low-rent.'

When I see someone smoking outside, I think 'ewww, I bet you and your house and your car, all stink to high Heaven.' Yes I judge them, and think it make them look plebby.

It's up to you, not a bunch of people on the internet.

@vodkaredbullgirl

It's up to you, not a bunch of people on the internet.

Yes of course, it's just helpful to get some impartial and outside perspective sometimes.