To leave him because he smokes?

[Owllime]

DH didn't smoke when we met, it's not something we ever spoke about so its not like he was adamantly against it, but it's not something I really considered when we had our DS.

Since he was born he has taken up smoking, he is an adult he can do as he likes etc, but DS is now 3, he has viral wheeze so we have spent many nights in hospital, he has to have a steroid inhaler, and all round be careful due to his breathing. The HV, doctors etc have all told him to make sure he smokes outside (which he does), and then change top, wash hands, use mouthwash and ideally leave 20 mins or so before being around DS. I get that the last one is tricky, but he won't do the others. He makes no effort and gets really angry when I mention the truth that coming straight in from a cigarette with it all over his hands, over his top, and stinking of it isn't good for any child; let alone one who runs a high risk of going on to develop asthma.

I honestly want to take DS out of the environment, but I worry if he then sees him alone (I wouldn't want to get in the way of him seeing his son or restrict access or whatever), he would carry on anyway.

I don't know what to do, I feel so stressed about it all of the time, and he obviously doesn't give a crap about either of us to not bother taking a minute or so to do those simple things.

Is it unreasonable to leave him over this? Would you worry what he would be like when he sees him alone?

To all those that are saying leave, what happens to the child when they are with dad at Contact time, the fact he doesn't care now, will he care enough to smoke outside if op isn't there?

Picking up that habit as an adult is really weird. I know someone who started in his 20s but he started with weed first. Worra knob.

I agree with pps baffled by an adult who takes up smoking. Never heard that before.
I would leave and ask for supervised visitation.
I taught a little boy who had severe asthma. Nearly died once. His mother was a smoker. I guess she couldn't give up. 🤷

He might have smoked before we met, pretty sure he didn't in secret before but not impossible I guess.

Thank you all, seeing it in black and white makes me even more sure.

Absolutely reasonable to leave. I understand your worries about when he's alone with your DC, but my feeling is that if he can't even be bothered to wash hands after a cig, he's not going to be parenting 50/50 and it's likely you'll have the majority or all of the care.

I had bad asthma as a child and had been hospitalised on oxygen before. My dad refused to stop smoking in the lounge and it was the only room they heated so normally nowhere else I could go (he would normally tell me or my mum that 'she can go somewhere else'. I think it actually really damaged my self esteem tbh. He was basically saying his enjoyment was more important than my ability to breathe.

When you’ve never been a smoker and are with someone who is, the smell that lingers on their clothes, as they waft into a room having just smoked outside, and on their breath, is, no other word for it, repellant. That old expression ‘like licking an ashtray’ really does apply.

When dating, my husband used to have a sneaky cigarette, it’s those stinky roll up yourself type. I’ve never smoked.

Then he had a heart attack at 46 or so and just stopped for a year.

He tried vaping but it was a token effort. Bought all the gear but I’ve never actually seen him use it.

We married two years ago, and now I’m just resigned to the fact I’ll never have snogs with my husband for the rest of my life. It was one of the many best things about him.

His previous women were smokers though, so he’ll never be sympathetic to what it’s like for me. But I can’t do anything about it, it’s his choice.

YANBU.

My DP smokes. It doesn't bother me, but he isn't the parent of my child and we don't live together. He doesn't smoke when my son is with us, and when he does smoke around me it's only ever outside with hands washed, change of clothes and mouthwash afterwards. He shows more respect to his partner of a year and her child than your DH does to his wife and mother of his child.

@Rainbowqueeen

Yes I would leave.

And to be Frank if he’s not willing to do these things for your child’s health, it’s highly likely that in a year or so he just won’t be part of your sons life. If he is disinterested in your son, that’s not a bad thing

Can you speak to women’s aid to see if you can insist on supervised visits? I know you have said you won’t stand in his way to see DS but contact is supposed to be for the child’s benefit so if DS starts getting sicker then you may need to consider it.

They won’t insist on supervised visits because a parent smokes! Ffs

My parents used to smoke around me when I was a child and I had ear infections all the time. It was painful and I missed a lot of school. I’m still cross about it now.

Have you tried asking your DH to see it from your child’s point of view? Your DH has a choice but your DS doesn’t.

Who starts smoking when they’re an adult? How old is he?
I would tell him he stops or I leave and I’d mean it. If he can’t even be bothered to wash his hands then I couldn’t even look at him in the same way again.

@Trike1

My parents used to smoke around me when I was a child and I had ear infections all the time. It was painful and I missed a lot of school. I’m still cross about it now.

Have you tried asking your DH to see it from your child’s point of view? Your DH has a choice but your DS doesn’t.

Yes, the doctors and HV also mentioned to us both about smoking as they ask when admitted to hospital amongst the other questions if anyone in the household smokes. He is an intelligent man, but chooses not to grasp the effect.

He might be intelligent, but he is a selfish prick!

As someone upthread has said, he will be unlikely to have 50/50 so you will have your son most of the time and that will improve his quality of life. Also get a court order, I wonder if the judge can put it in the terms given the health implications

I'm asthmatic and my grandfather, grandmother and uncle stopped smoking because they could see what their smoke was doing to me as a small child. I'm astounded that a parent wouldn't stop. My BIL smoked when his children were babies / small, but he did everything to the book, he had a smoking coat, stood outside all weathers etc. He finally stopped because he knew the children of the wider family looked up to him as a hero, and wanted to set a better example at family get togethers. To me that is a true man and father.

OK, intelligent people can be irresponsible, immature and selfish. That is how he is behaving.

It’s a bit different but my DH used to smoke. I hated it and always made him go outside but he wouldn’t/couldn’t stop. When our DD was born, he would wash his hands and change his top but the staying away for 20 minutes was hard. However, she got bronchiolitis when she was 6 months old and the dr said it could be exacerbated by being around a smoker. Around the same time, my dad developed oral cancer thought to be smoking-related even though he hadn’t smoked for over 25 years. Both of these things were the kick up the backside he needed. He now vapes, which I don’t really like, but it’s better than smoking. I’m not sure that’s very helpful but I wanted to say that, with a good reason, it is possible to give up. I hope your DH wises up soon.

@Topseyt

OK, intelligent people can be irresponsible, immature and selfish. That is how he is behaving.

Yes I absolutely agree. I guess it's what makes it so frustrating as he does know better, he just chooses to not do anything about it, even worse imo.

It's good to hear of people taking things on board and giving up smoking. He has had many chances to and doesn't seem arsed so not holding out hope here, but it's such good news for your children.

I'm actually relieved to see the responses you've had OP.

So many on here defend people's right to smoke, even though we know how detrimental even second and third hand smoke is to other peoples health, especially young babies and children who are not fully developed.

Why haven't you asked him to stop smoking?

@MadeForThis

Why haven't you asked him to stop smoking?

I did initially but it was clear it wasn't doing any good. So then we discussed with the HCPs ways to minimise the risk. He hasn't taken any of that on board, so asking him to stop again won't do anything, its time for us to leave I think.

Smoking is NOT a HABIT. it’s an ADDICTION TO NICOTINE. op have you suggested perhaps vape instead?? Smoking can be difficult to quit. And I agree it stinks, you stink, your hair clothes and person stink and it lingers. ( yes I was a smoker). He is selfish for not taking the steps asked of him if he’s not in the correct mindset to quit just yet. It’s no more a ‘habit’ than drug addition, alcoholism or gambling. Please use the correct facts when considering his position. The reason he is getting moody and grumpy when it’s brought up is because he feels guilty, probably even embarrassed and there’s nothing more likely to keep a smoker smoking than people having a go. Maybe re think how this has been approached?

I am guessing that he was an ex smoker... no one takes up smoking as an adult unless they are proper thick. Sorry OP.

Can you kick him out?

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

Smoking is NOT a HABIT. it’s an ADDICTION TO NICOTINE. op have you suggested perhaps vape instead?? Smoking can be difficult to quit. And I agree it stinks, you stink, your hair clothes and person stink and it lingers. ( yes I was a smoker). He is selfish for not taking the steps asked of him if he’s not in the correct mindset to quit just yet. It’s no more a ‘habit’ than drug addition, alcoholism or gambling. Please use the correct facts when considering his position. The reason he is getting moody and grumpy when it’s brought up is because he feels guilty, probably even embarrassed and there’s nothing more likely to keep a smoker smoking than people having a go. Maybe re think how this has been approached?

I do understand, that's why after the initial shock and asking him to consider quitting we have discussed a workaround as for whatever reason he doesn't feel like he can try quitting. Him not bothering to change his top or wash his hands is not part of his addiction, but a habit he can't be bothered to form.

@Owllime

My mother knows better too. She tells young people, including her grandchildren, to never ever start. She knew that she should not smoke in the same house as my Dad due to his deteriorating lung condition (the COPD). She knows too that her own COPD will worsen much more quickly if she doesn't even try to cut down. Still she continues and if I am honest she lights up every 30 seconds once she has finished one.

I suppose she does have the slightly different perspective of having begun her smoking back in her student days in the 1950s when it was both fashionable and cheap. So she became addicted then and so it has remained. She smoked throughout both of her pregnancies in the 1960s.

I still think though that she has no excuse at all for never even trying to stop or at least cut back.

There is no excuse whatsoever for your DH actually taking up the habit as an adult with a child.

My DH used to be an occasional smoker when we were students. He gave up before we got married. That was 28 years ago now.