Been told I'm a horrible person

[Givingup87]

Should start by saying I am currently 3 weeks post-partum so potentially still hormonal! Will try and keep it short.

Dc, 3 weeks old was born by planned section. We knew the date from about 28 weeks when I saw the consultant, told close family and a select few friends but for everyone else we kept it vague by saying early June as I didn't want to be inundated with messages on the day. Plus I was worried in case anything went wrong etc and wanted some time just me, Dh and dc.

On the day it turns out more people knew the exact date than what I thought, as always things slip out etc. I told dh that I didn't want them knowing too much until we were ready but was happy for them to be told me and dc were fine, but no details on name, weight etc as we wanted to tell immediate family that first.

Somehow that message didn't come across and I apparently said don't tell anyone anything leaving everyone worried if I and baby were OK etc. I don't remember saying this but was also full of drugs from the C section etc. It's now come to light when one friend popped round this morning and mentioned that they were worried but weren't allowed to know anything. This has now caused a blazing row between me and DH with him branding me a selfish, horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else apart from myself.

We did tell immediate family and a few close friends etc and then most other people the next day.

For reference dc was born by planned section due to a traumatic delivery of dc1 which resulted in an emergency c section, and I then struggled with PTSD and post natal anxiety following it which I have been working really hard to over come and now this makes me feel like I have done everything wrong again.

Congratutions on your baby.
Your friend was being a passive aggressive shit stirer. The argument between yourself and your DH was a mountain out of a molehill, but seems to have escalated. A blazing row implies you were both shouting? You perhaps accused him of letting her believe something was wrong, he over reacted? To be honest the ONLY time my DH and I properly argued was when the little ones were weeks old - I was tired, he was tired. Unless this is a pattern then make peace and move on, and don't argue over friends backhanded comments.

Your friend seems totally out of order for turning up uninvited on the day that you gave birth because you didn't reply to a message. That is very intrusive.

Also, even if you were being a horrible person (which you weren't) you were about to have a c-section after a really traumatic experience last time. You are allowed to be private and your partner should be supporting you in that.

Sounds like a case of crossed wires and your DH being a bit dim then being embarrassed that he seemed like a twat on your supposed say so.

But does it really matter? Neither of your were of sound mind and if anyone is really pissed off with him for not giving them information while his wife and newborn baby needed him then they're being dicks. Assuming he was actually with you and helping and not in the pub or whatever.

Can you explain how it turned into a blazing argument?

It seems to me, there's been crossed wires. A friend that is over dramatic. Bug don't understand how they got to a blazing row where he called you selfish?

What did he say you were selfish about?

@Mythologies

You are married to a really really nasty man.

What utterly baseless bollocks.

It sounds like a miscommunication issue which can happen in stressful situations. However even if you were being a bit over the top, firstly its understandable given what happened and secondly there is no excuse to call a new mother and his partner a "selfish, horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else apart from myself."

Even if you had been completely unreasonable about this one thing, it's still one thing and doesnt define you as a person. If that's what he said then his reaction was way over the top, it's different to saying 'you acted selfishly'. And even if you did, the one time its completely fine to act 'selfishly' is when you're giving birth ffs

It’s your news. You’re not horrible. I’ve been induced twice and only told close family both times. You get to say how and when you tell people.

Also your friend was a dick for bringing it up.

Congratulations

Why has it caused a blazing row? What have you said to him?

Not at all condoning what he said, but sounds like a non issue has become a massive issue unnecessarily and he lashed out, but seems odd for him to lash out at you unless you got overly annoyed at him over it? A blazing row suggests his comments weren’t sudden and unexpected.

If, on the other hand, this is typical behaviour from him, then no, that’s not ok.

You sound REALLY controlling. 'Inundated with messages on the day"?! Yeah becauee it's SO hard and awful to receive some messages of good luck/well wishes. If it is so hard, God forbid you turn your phone onto silent and don't reply if it's so extraordinarily hard for you to send a message saying 'thanks'. As for controlling when the name etc are released - is this your first, by any chance?! People REALLY don't care as much as you think they do, those who inquire either a) genuinely love you and are probably close family who don't deserve for you to be weird and controlling for no reason or b) are just being polite by asking and don't actually care so aren't affected by your controlling behaviour. Ugh sorry if this is harsh OP but you're being so PFB and controlling and I was like this with my first so whenever I read posts like this I cringe SO hard and am trying to help you by being so blunt - stop being so controlling or you'll be cringing soon too. And it's very embarrassing to look back on stuff like this

@Loudestcat14

I think your friend is the awful one for stirring. Your DH was following your wishes to hold details back and while he did take it to the extreme, I imagine he was in his own post-partum bubble having just witnessed his wife give birth by CS and become a dad again. I bet neither of you can remember accurately what was said, but does it really matter? Your friend is making it a thing and they should do one.

I think your friend should also have kept her mouth shut OP.

You were drugged up to the gills and may have said something you didn't;t intend; your DH may have misunderstood what you did say - either way, you would be best letting this go and just enjoying your little family.

What is past is past, and ultimately it hurt no-one. Don't let it hurt anyone now.

Just read thr last paragraph and noticed it's not your first 😳 must have missed the end the first time round as my daughter was crying! I'm sorry OP but I do think you've been really unreasonable here... It's almost worse thay it's not your first? Because it's like you were just being controlling for the sake of it? Not trying to be horrible as i can be controlling too but it foes sound like your DH wasn't complicit in keeping this all secret and maybe all these rules spoilt the experience for him too and for no real reason? Also these things dont just 'get out' lime you said in your OP. He either told everyone or you did. If you didn't, he did. Which backs up the fact that he wanted to be able to excitedly share some basic information about his child's birth without having it all strictly controlled? It's not like he wanted strangers to enter your hospital room to pick up the baby - THAT I'd understand being controlling about. But this just all seems quite cruel and unnecessary and has probably tainted a lovely time for both of you.

Aside from all of the above - and that was appalling for your husband to say that to you - what's with people expecting messages/sending them and expecting replies immediately?

Surely anybody with half a brain knows that a birth is a very tiring, stressful time, with a new person to suddenly have to start keeping alive and the parents with a million thoughts going around in their heads.

You are NOT selfish, and your husband.... well, that's been covered at length already; but it IS selfish for your friends and family (except possibly immediate family) to make it all about them and expect the parents of a new baby to have nothing more important to do or think about than to message/reply to them immediately. I mean, just why would you?! How would that play out?

"I messaged you yesterday, about the baby, but you didn't reply."
"Yes, I'm afraid I didn't have time to even think about replying to messages yesterday - it was one of the busiest and most emotional days of my life, you see, when you messaged, I'd actually just had a baby."
And that's not even taking into account the major surgery you had too.

Sorry for typos, new phone with tiny keypad.

You've put DH in a awkward position of course people will want to know .
You've created a drama and got one .why the big secrecy .

Why are you rowing with your DH about him respecting your wishes? If anything I’d be a bit upset by the friend stirring here. A real friend would just ask how you are, not tell on your DH or question what they presumably thought were your wishes at the time

I tend to agree with this. You shouldn’t allow comments made by other people to cause a row with you and your hubby. You are both trying to settle into parenthood and don’t need throwaway comments made by other people to cause upset.
Who cares if she was worried? It didn’t do her any harm at all and she soon found out.
Shit stirring comes to mind.

Doesn’t sound like you were being selfish and horrible, but heavens, people can be so very precious about the birth of children. It needn’t really have been a state secret.

As you are now 3 weeks post partum and the friend only came round this morning, I’m not surprised, tbh, that she was a bit worried about you if your dh is still telling people he can’t tell them whether or not you and the baby are OK! Who would not be worried if they were told you can’t tell them anything about how you are getting on after 3 weeks? It sounds like a case of badly crossed wires to me. He didn’t understand what you did and did not want people to know and for how long and messed up the messaging.

Your friend is completely unreasonable. It's perfectly normal for births only to be announced a little later. I've had that with my friends as well as with family.
Most reasonable people assume that immediate family will hear within a few hours - usually a quick text from the DH or birth partner just to confirm that all is well, but most other people will be told a day or so later.
It's very unreasonable for anyone to assume that the priority in the hours after a birth is to start notifying people instead of recovering and spending time with the newborn. Even if things had gone wrong, what was this person going to do? She sounds like a drama llama.

I think it all sounds a bit melodramatic. Whether or not he was in the wrong really depends on how it developed into a big row. I would try and just move on and not let it taint the time with your new baby. I don’t even remember who was the first to know weight/name etc with any of mine. In a way it’s very lucky to have so many people who are interested and care.

@LordEmsworth

You are not the selfish horrible person in this relationship.

This

@Bootskates

I mean, if people knew it was happening that day and asked DH if everything went ok then surely he could have said "yes everybody is ok, be in touch with details soon" - he could have used his initiative to not deliberately worry anyone, why was he waiting for permission just to confirm you and baby were alive and well?

And this ^^

I don't think your DP has any right to have a go at you... he should be more worried about you than random other people! He could have told people what was suggested above and said will tell you all more later

Sorry but you sound very precious to me. Keeping it a secret for three weeks, prompting a friend to visit to check all is well? You’ve engineered a drama that needn’t have happened.

Honestly, women have babies all day, every day. It’s not a massive deal to others and deliberately keeping people in the dark is awful behaviour.

I don’t believe you’ve been 100% upfront with the details surrounding the argument either as none of it makes sense.

Frankly, all these rules about what people can and can't be told and who gets told first is what leads to all this strife. Your dh shouldn't be shouting at you as you need his support. However, I think making rules around this kind of stuff is really odd. If someone cares and is interested enough to ask then you tell them because it's joyful news. You don;t have to speak to them directly if you are unwell or recovering. You certainly don't have to have visitors till you're ready but creating an air of secrecy will lead to people wondering why .

@OldTurtleNewShell

Your friend is completely unreasonable. It's perfectly normal for births only to be announced a little later. I've had that with my friends as well as with family. Most reasonable people assume that immediate family will hear within a few hours - usually a quick text from the DH or birth partner just to confirm that all is well, but most other people will be told a day or so later. It's very unreasonable for anyone to assume that the priority in the hours after a birth is to start notifying people instead of recovering and spending time with the newborn. Even if things had gone wrong, what was this person going to do? She sounds like a drama llama.

But the friend didn’t enquire until three weeks after the baby was born which suggests the OP was still not telling people her and baby were ok.

Tilt top table
Totally spot on