Been told I'm a horrible person

[Givingup87]

Should start by saying I am currently 3 weeks post-partum so potentially still hormonal! Will try and keep it short.

Dc, 3 weeks old was born by planned section. We knew the date from about 28 weeks when I saw the consultant, told close family and a select few friends but for everyone else we kept it vague by saying early June as I didn't want to be inundated with messages on the day. Plus I was worried in case anything went wrong etc and wanted some time just me, Dh and dc.

On the day it turns out more people knew the exact date than what I thought, as always things slip out etc. I told dh that I didn't want them knowing too much until we were ready but was happy for them to be told me and dc were fine, but no details on name, weight etc as we wanted to tell immediate family that first.

Somehow that message didn't come across and I apparently said don't tell anyone anything leaving everyone worried if I and baby were OK etc. I don't remember saying this but was also full of drugs from the C section etc. It's now come to light when one friend popped round this morning and mentioned that they were worried but weren't allowed to know anything. This has now caused a blazing row between me and DH with him branding me a selfish, horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else apart from myself.

We did tell immediate family and a few close friends etc and then most other people the next day.

For reference dc was born by planned section due to a traumatic delivery of dc1 which resulted in an emergency c section, and I then struggled with PTSD and post natal anxiety following it which I have been working really hard to over come and now this makes me feel like I have done everything wrong again.

It all sounds a bit confused to me. The fact that more people knew than you thought and things slip... you were clear to your husband but then you were drugged so maybe not. Maybe keep things simpler next time?

So you've just had major surgery giving birth to his child and he's screeching at you that you're selfish because he fucked up messaging people appropriately (the only actual job he had in the process). What a prince.

@Givingup87

Sorry for the confusion, I'll try and clarify!

My recollection is that I said I was happy for anyone to know that dc and I were OK, but no details on names etc

Dh says that I said that no one could know anything so to ignore all messages and not let anyone know anything

I was probably being a bit precious about not knowing details on name etc but we wanted to tell immediate family in person when we saw them (which was the day after when I was allowed home, due to Covid there was no visiting in hospital naturally) but I really don't remember saying don't tell anyone anything.

You don’t sound horrible, just a bit precious. Why all the secrecy. Your husband should be giving you a bit of slack though, you’ve been through a lot and your hormones will be all over the place. Is that you Meghan😜

Be gentle with each other. This is a really hard time for a couple, you’re both sleep deprived and you’re fighting about nothing. See if you still like each other when baby is 6 months

Your DH sounds very immature and petty. However, from what I remember of the early days with my babies, nobody is at their best. People get tense and behave like weirdos. I think it's the hormones and the tiredness.

If your DH is usually alright then I would suggest trying to laugh this off and move on. Get some sleep. If it's part of a general pattern of twattish behaviour then I would suggest telling him to do one.

@Blindstupid

You’re both as bad as each other. Have a chat, have a cuppa, get over it.

Congratulations on your baby

My thoughts exactly.

Congratulations on your new baby.

This really is a non-issue. I think that the whole "who was allowed to know about the birth and when" was made far too complex.

Your baby was safely delivered as planned. That's brilliant. Just tell people and don't tie yourselves up in knots over it.

You're not a horrible person. You are both probably exhausted though, especially you. The comment should ideally never have been made, but was most likely in the heat of the moment and the unnecessary argument.

Dh says that I said that no one could know anything so to ignore all messages and not let anyone know anything
And you told him that's not what you meant and it was crossed wires.

So he then says
"Oh no! You must have been off your head on medication."
or perhaps, if he's arsy:
"Oh, I see; well you could have been clearer, as now I look like a dick!"

I don't get how you get from "That's not what I meant" to "You are selfish"? What selfish thing is he accusing you of?

You're tired and hormonal. Let it go and enjoy your baby.

And kindly, if you leave people out ie telling some and not others, you do inadvertently cause some level of offence. It's only really important to you and your DH, not the rest of the world who would have said "oh, x has had the baby" and then moved onto the next thing.

Its your medical procedure, no one else has a right to know.

Hell, I havent even told my own mother about half of my operations and medical treatments.

@ChargingBuck

Congratulations on your baby OP.

DH sounds either a bit thick or a bit manipulative.
Either way, he really enjoys nitpicking & scolding you, huh?

Just concentrate on your wellness & your kids for now. Let DH get over himself & stop worrying about his nonsense.

This ^^

If he is usually a bit manipulative I would be concerned that he was trying to alienate you.

If he isn't then perhaps tiredness etc has got the better of him BUT he still shouldn't have had a go at you when you had a baby 3 weeks ago and you were out of your tree on meds. He should have some common sense.

So much drama

I really don’t know why folk concern themselves, when it comes to someone else’s birth... Just wait for the message. If something has happened, other than smooth sailing, you’ll be told in good time.
The one time you want peace & quiet is during / after birth. Sounds like an unnecessary stress to you & DH.

@Givingup87 Ask your partner to go through major trauma and surgery, be high on painkillers, and make a fully thought out and rational decision.

Don't think this is your hormones. I think this is on him.

@Givingup87

Sorry for the confusion, I'll try and clarify!

My recollection is that I said I was happy for anyone to know that dc and I were OK, but no details on names etc

Dh says that I said that no one could know anything so to ignore all messages and not let anyone know anything

I was probably being a bit precious about not knowing details on name etc but we wanted to tell immediate family in person when we saw them (which was the day after when I was allowed home, due to Covid there was no visiting in hospital naturally) but I really don't remember saying don't tell anyone anything.

Well you did say you were full of drugs from the c-section so perhaps you did say what your DH says you did?

If you did, think if you were him, you are going through a major operation and he wants to let everyone know you're both safe and well and to celebrate a healthy child but he hasn't been able to because he's respecting your wishes? Then you're informed that he did what you wanted but it's still not right so there's a 'blazing row'? I can see where he's coming from (if you did say what he says you did).

Life's too short, forget it, enjoy your baby!

You both need to get some sleep. Anything either parents says 3 weeks post partum should be taken with a pinch of salt

I have had two bad births. The second one resulted in PTSD and it was horrible and the guilt over every little thing is horrendous. I still get it sometimes even 18 months later and after CBT. Hard to accept sometimes but you have nothing to feel guilty over and you are not selfish. You don’t owe people constant updates about stuff anyway and even if you do a short delay whilst you tell immediate family is completely reasonable. When I was ill immediately after my sons birth mine and my husbands priority was not texting everyone about it, I didn’t even know where my phone was. I think your friend was stirring it, just after birth is a busy time and people will update you when they can end of. People get far too precious about hearing other people’s baby news. Cut yourself some slack, and also your husband. My husband had PTSD too after the birth of our youngest and the constant messages from different people made it worse and he was probably just not sure what to do and struggling. Go and enjoy some baby snuggles.

You are married to a really really nasty man.

Your husband is totally unreasonable.

Even if you hadn't been clear, you were hormonal, stressed, pregnant as fuck/post operative (whichever at the time) so your confusion is understandable. HIS, on the other hand, is fucking ridiculous - he's making no allowance AT ALL for the state of you at the time.

Selfish fucking wanker he is, to say nothing of totally lacking in respect for you.

UGH!

@Bodgers

You both need to get some sleep. Anything either parents says 3 weeks post partum should be taken with a pinch of salt

Bullshit. There is no excuse for calling your wife a horrible selfish person or even allowing a "blazing row" to develop over this simple misunderstanding. Huge red flag.

Congrats on your newborn! You are absolutely fine and don’t let anyone or anything get to you and your lovely baby. Keep focussing on positive mental health and tell your DH to do the same. Don’t let anyone else get in the way.

Every time I have surgery under GA or sedation, whoever is with me is given detailed instructions, told to expect changes in my behaviour, and told to watch out for me.

I can't think of a good reason why your DH couldn't work out a tactful message even if his version is correct or why he's blaming you; but its really not normal for a loving partner to be angry with you after you've given birth.

You sound a bit controlling and secretive.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

A case of crossed wires then? And an arguement bourne out of tiredness/stress maybe?

Agree with this

I think your DH was a twat, but probably a worried, tired, overthinking twat.

Your friend, on the otrher hand, is a sleelf abssrbed drama llama and needs to be told to fuck off.

I can fully undertstand your DH being confused, angery, defensive. I can undertsand you being knckered, angry, defensive.

I can't imagine myself, or anyone I know, knowing how to start a conversation that includes "I was worried that I wasn't allowed to know anything" with a new parent. Unless of course you chose to conceive, carry and deliver said child for that friend's titillation.

When you've both calmed down talk to your DH and see if you can both see the funny, astonishing side of your newly outed drama llama friend!

@Mythologies

You are married to a really really nasty man.

Hyperbole much? You literally have no basis for saying this. This is ONE incident, which even at its very worst interpretation - and this is all a bit muddled - is not worthy of complete character assasination.