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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Been told I'm a horrible person

117 replies

Givingup87 · 24/06/2021 12:16

Should start by saying I am currently 3 weeks post-partum so potentially still hormonal! Will try and keep it short.

Dc, 3 weeks old was born by planned section. We knew the date from about 28 weeks when I saw the consultant, told close family and a select few friends but for everyone else we kept it vague by saying early June as I didn't want to be inundated with messages on the day. Plus I was worried in case anything went wrong etc and wanted some time just me, Dh and dc.

On the day it turns out more people knew the exact date than what I thought, as always things slip out etc. I told dh that I didn't want them knowing too much until we were ready but was happy for them to be told me and dc were fine, but no details on name, weight etc as we wanted to tell immediate family that first.

Somehow that message didn't come across and I apparently said don't tell anyone anything leaving everyone worried if I and baby were OK etc. I don't remember saying this but was also full of drugs from the C section etc. It's now come to light when one friend popped round this morning and mentioned that they were worried but weren't allowed to know anything. This has now caused a blazing row between me and DH with him branding me a selfish, horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else apart from myself.

We did tell immediate family and a few close friends etc and then most other people the next day.

For reference dc was born by planned section due to a traumatic delivery of dc1 which resulted in an emergency c section, and I then struggled with PTSD and post natal anxiety following it which I have been working really hard to over come and now this makes me feel like I have done everything wrong again.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 24/06/2021 12:54

We did tell immediate family and a few close friends etc and then most other people the next day.

So what's the problem? Everyone who needed or wanted to, knew about the birth within a day. That's quick!

Is your friend claiming that, on the day of delivery, she called your DH and he refused to say if you were alive or dead?

In which case I'd regard both her and your DH as unreasonable and a bit nuts. She for hassling him on the day and being unable to wait until she was told the news. Him for being absurdly literal, about what he believed he'd been asked to do.

jay55 · 24/06/2021 12:59

So what if you had said no one can know anything? It wouldn't have made you a horrible person.
Planned csections get shifted for emergencies.
Things still go terribly wrong.
Being expected to manage other people's worries and expectations while you are having an operation is ridiculous.

Cocomarine · 24/06/2021 12:59

@tallduckandhandsome no it doesn’t excuse the layer behaviour. And I’m not making excuses for men 🙄 I tend to be a LTB poster.

I even said that would be my absolute nicest way to see it kindly (to him) and that mostly I think he was wrong. (“Mostly”, because we don’t have the full story.) perhaps it didn’t come across as I intended that by saying it would have to be my absolute nicest interpretation, I meant that I’d have to scrape the barrel to find one!

lottiegarbanzo · 24/06/2021 13:00

The bottom line is that everybody who loves you ought to be trying to protect and care for you, to cocoon you, during what is such a demanding and difficult time for all new mothers, never mind one with prior PTSD.

Anyone causing hassle and stress is not thinking of you and your wellbeing.

Blindstupid · 24/06/2021 13:01

You’re both as bad as each other. Have a chat, have a cuppa, get over it.

Congratulations on your baby Flowers

VainAbigail · 24/06/2021 13:03

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

A case of crossed wires then? And an arguement bourne out of tiredness/stress maybe?
Agree with this.

Was your friend worried about you? It’s ok for friends to be worried, and for you to reassure them everything’s ok! And in 5/10/15 years you won’t give a shit who knew babies names first.

NeedNewKnees · 24/06/2021 13:06

Congratulations on your baby and I’m glad this birth was better that your previous one. I hope it put some demons to rest for you.

This was miscommunication at an anxious and highly fraught time. It’s still a stressful time now, I expect, as you’re only 3 weeks from surgery/delivery. I would think the strains on both of you caused the disagreement. You definitely weren’t being horrible, you were setting boundaries based on your previous experience.
Flowers

30degreesandmeltinghere · 24/06/2021 13:09

Organise him a vasectomy and tell him it will be filmed and broadcast live...
He is a twat. But in his slight defence he maybe would have preferred to have shouted out you were both safe and well!!

Yaya26 · 24/06/2021 13:11

Your reasoning sounds perfectly fine to me. I've had traumatic events regarding pregnancy and childbirth and I'd have done similar in your shoes. I'd have wanted some space and privacy. Xx

ChargingBuck · 24/06/2021 13:12

Congratulations on your baby OP.

DH sounds either a bit thick or a bit manipulative.
Either way, he really enjoys nitpicking & scolding you, huh?

Just concentrate on your wellness & your kids for now. Let DH get over himself & stop worrying about his nonsense.

TiltTopTable · 24/06/2021 13:13

You're not a horrible person. The problem here is all the instructions, then changing the instructions. Who can know, who can't know, what they can know, what they can't know and when can they know it. I'm not surprised your husband decided it was best to say nothing so he didn't get his orders wrong.

My eldest is 30 and l left hospital 3 hours after she was born. We arrived home in the early hours (hadn't phoned anyone at that point as too early) and the neighbours ran out onto the drive to see her, see how I was. So they saw her and knew her sex and weight before anyone else - the sky didn't fall in. If you try to control everything then you're bound to get upset if your rules aren't followed, and those around you will be stressed out too.

Your husband was wrong to shout at you and call you names - you just had his baby for heaven's sake - bit if you have a tendency to micromanage, perhaps consider relaxing the reins a bit - you'll all be happier for it.

Astella22 · 24/06/2021 13:15

Sounds like a bit of a misunderstanding between ye. Prehaps u are both tired and stressed, I would let it go.

converseandjeans · 24/06/2021 13:16

They're all drama llamas! I honestly wouldn't worry.

SofiaMichelle · 24/06/2021 13:16

It's now come to light when one friend popped round this morning and mentioned that they were worried but weren't allowed to know anything. This has now caused a blazing row between me and DH with him branding me a selfish, horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else apart from myself.

I'm a bit confused by this.

Your friend popped round and said they'd been worried. Fair enough.

How did that 'cause a blazing row' with your DH?

Your friend saying they were worried sounds like an odd trigger for a 'blazing row'..?

Muchasgracias · 24/06/2021 13:17

Your friend is a dick.

SofiaMichelle · 24/06/2021 13:19

Your husband was wrong to shout at you and call you names...

Where did you read that? I can't see that in OP's posts?

theleafandnotthetree · 24/06/2021 13:21

@idontlikealdi

What drama over nothing. You and baby are well, that's the main thing. our DH sounds like an idiot though.
I'm afraid I don't get all the drama either, it's not the second coming, you had your child, all are well but the world is not waiting with breath which is bated to hear the name and weight. Sorry but you sound a bit precious OP and I'm not sure about your DH. It could be that he is a gormless fool that got it wrong or it could be that he was afraid of getting the order in which people were to be told wrong (Hmm so just told nobody anything
PurplePansy05 · 24/06/2021 13:21

I think your DH is lacking common sense.

Firstly, even if you said something slightly odd following the delivery, that's completely understandable. He should know better what you've discussed when your head was in the right place just before the birth and stick to it. It wouldn't hurt him to use his brain and tell people the absolute basics - both you and DC are fine, more details to follow. That's it.

Secondly, he's also failed to use his brain when speaking to you like this 3 weeks pp.

Frankly, he sounds like an idiot to me and I feel sorry for you.

Congratulations on your LO Flowers xx

VettiyaIruken · 24/06/2021 13:22

Why did your friend say they weren't allowed to know anything?

Not allowed implies some sort of communication along the lines of X has said not to tell anyone anything.

Did your husband say anything to your friend to give her that impression?

Also. Your husband is being an arse.

Ozanj · 24/06/2021 13:27

Bil (DS husband) did something similar when DN was born and told everyone on our side not to come to see her in the hospital. DS had told me different before the birth but I just assumed plans had changed and while I was hurt (I had bought so many pressies) I just decided to wait. I only told my DSIS what happened when she called me out of the blue demanding where I was and calling me a selfish bitch for not coming to see her immediately after the birth. I would never have volunteered that info otherwise!! So yes I think your friend is a stirrer

ivfgottwins · 24/06/2021 13:30

I don't get the drama personally and as we aren't privy to the exact details of your "blazing row" I can't say that your DH is out of order either

FuckyouCovid21 · 24/06/2021 13:32

@SofiaMichelle

Your husband was wrong to shout at you and call you names...

Where did you read that? I can't see that in OP's posts?

This has now caused a blazing row between me and DH with him branding me a selfish, horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else apart from myself
LalalalalalaLand123 · 24/06/2021 13:38

A case of crossed wires then? And an arguement bourne out of tiredness/stress maybe?

This.
OP try to relax a bit.

GrandTheftWalrus · 24/06/2021 13:38

My dh had to come home from work when my contractions started so he had workmates messaging him. He didn't reply until after our dd had met the baby. We weren't being selfish, we just didn't want people interested in the baby and for her to feel left out.

Your dh is a dick if he says you are selfish

Watermelon221 · 24/06/2021 13:42

I’m guessing the friend that popped round wasn’t one of the close friends that was told that all was ok?

Friend probably came over out of concern (or nosiness) but either way it sounds like it put your dh in an awkward position, which I can understand!

He was probably sleep deprived and eager to do the right thing, and instead of just saying that everyone was well, ended up not saying anything, which probably implied things were not all well.

Either way, it’s nothing you’ve done and isn’t really that important anyway. Childbirth is one of life’s 3 most stressful events, so give each other a break and forget about it.

You’ll probably look back and laugh about it one day!