To find private schooling overwhelming?

[RomPom]

My child is starting reception in September. I chose a private school as I've heard great things about it and I had a private eduction with mainly happy memories.

I'm wondering if I've made a big mistake! The ridiculous competitiveness; the amount of events and awkward socialising; the pressure on kids who are still so little. I'm worried that it's only me who has the issue, and I need to be careful that I don't project it onto my child. Does anyone else have kids in private school? Do I have to keep up appearances for the next 15 yrs?! Can I be that parent who just doesn't bother with certain things? Will it be frowned upon? Or am I massively overthinking the whole things and that all schools, private or non are exactly the same?

I think some private schools are very much like this unfortunately. Some are more relaxed. It’s a mixture of the parents and schools and definitely not for everyone. On the other hand some people love it and it becomes virtually their whole social life.

Is it too late to change? I have no problem with private schools (went to them myself) but genuinely never understood why people send 4 year olds private when primary schools are so excellent - and have such a community feel to them.

The fact is that if you pay to send a 4 year old privately you will be mixing with people who are very driven to push their kids ahead of others - I wouldn't want to be in that environment myself.

This is why I teach in private but my daughter goes to state. Primary school is more about engendering a sense of belonging and confidence that you are part of a community. Based on my own upbringing and values, it will not be any kind of culture shock for DD staying in state Ed. I also think it’s important that she makes friends from a cross section of society.

State primary schools are not like this - yes some parents worry more about reading etc than others but generally they are full of nice normal people who just want to make friends locally and their kids be happy.

Can I ask why you think there is ridiculous competitiveness, awkward socialising and pressure? What experience are you taking this from if she hasn't even started yet?

My DS1 moved from our local primary to private school in September last year, so is just coming to the end of his first academic year there (yr 6). I find it completely the opposite to what you describe. They are nurtured, their strengths encouraged and the few parents we have met so far (due to COVID) are just like us. Not competitive, not awkward, just wanting the best for their child and the kids are really nice too. I'm really glad he went when he did. DS2 will join him there in a few years time.

My kids are in private. I think the awkward events/socialising is the same whichever school you go for - see it as an opportunity to make friends. There will probably be some other pate at like you there! I’ve not seen competition or pressure as an issue at the private prep schools my kids are at. I deliberately chose schools which didn’t try to ‘select’ at that age and the atmosphere is very supportive and friendly. There are lots of very normal parents there, they aren’t all crazy oil barons or hedge fund managers…

It's a balancing act really, you have to weigh up the benefits versus the downsides. In my view the negatives of competitive parenting and awkward socialising are outweighed by the positives of a better education and opportunities for my child. Plus there's never been a stabbing or a rape at our school, unlike the state option down the road.

My two DC went to private school from nursery through to the end of Y6. They both loved it and have incredibly fond memories of their prep school.

I have no regrets, they had a fantastic start to their education and gained a passion for learning and work ethic that has enabled to do very very well in secondary and sixth form.

I did find the social side of prep school not to my taste however. I was an outlier as a busy working mother and did not fit in with the gym kit clad trophy wives at all. I did find a few like minded parents though and we had our own little 'normal people' clique.

I also think the social side ramped up over the time my two were at prep. There is a 4 school year gap between them and I found things quite different with the later year group. Economically, things were harder for the school in the later years (banking crash caused smaller class numbers) and I think the social side became more about events and attractions to keep the parents happy rather than focussed on the kids.

I think, as others have said, it depends very much on the school. My brother's primary school was like this, mine was not. (It sounds like yours wasn't either?)

DD's is not, and we probably wouldn't have sent her if it was. But one of our nearest state schools is very much like this - ironically I've had mothers with DC at that school asking me in great detail about the workload in DD's class because they think their kids aren't being pushed enough and will it be 'better' at a private school?

Anyway - why don't you see how it goes. If you feel that it's a bad fit for your son then you can move him. If he loves it and is thriving there, but you're just not keen on the social side, then I'm sure you can step back from it all. Surely many parents there both work full time and therefore can't be involved in all the social part anyway?

OP it varies a lot from school to school. If your child is going to a feeder school for one of the main London private secondaries then yes, those prep schools will be extremely competitive and full of very rich tiger parents.

On the other hand if your child is going to a private junior in a small town then it’s much more likely to have a friendly, uncompetitive, well-rounded approach, with more of a mix of parents.

State primaries are more similar to the latter.

The fact is that if you pay to send a 4 year old privately you will be mixing with people who are very driven to push their kids ahead of others - I wouldn't want to be in that environment myself.

^^ This. It's all least part of what you're paying for.

@ScatteredMama82 DD currently goes to the nursery attached to the school, she's only been there a few weeks so it's all quite new for her. She's having a pre school graduation in a couple of weeks and there's so much involved in it, she seems very overwhelmed. Plus the amount of events I've been invited to attend to ease the transition to pre prep seems more than necessary. I'm also scared to do the school drop off without my make up on and my designer handbag, but I guess that's a 'me' problem 😂

*The fact is that if you pay to send a 4 year old privately you will be mixing with people who are very driven to push their kids ahead of others - I wouldn't want to be in that environment myself.

^^ This. It's all least part of what you're paying for.*

That's just not necessarily true. We are paying for private primary for the small class sizes and brilliant music, art, sport, etc. I know a lot of state schools also offer that, but our local ones don't. As @conkergame says, there's a world of difference between the London feeder preps (I have friends with kids at those, and I cannot relate to their worlds AT ALL) and private schools in much of the rest of the UK.

I think you're over thinking this. It's new for everybody including your children and you?

I went to private and state - the events, activities etc are largely similar though on balance more in private.

It's overwhelming yes but when you get into the swing of things you can pick and drop as you see fit. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Don't be drawn into any "Oh little Charlie just read War and Peace the other day."

All private schools are different, in a much wider sense than state. You need to choose a school that suits your child, rather than thinking some blanket form of education is given just because you pay for it.

You’re overthinking it.

If you don’t want to or can’t attend something, then don’t.

Your child will go to school and have friends. All fine.

Nearly all schools, private and state, will have parents who you won’t like. Most will just be normal people though.

Trying not to be rude here but if you’re afraid to go without a designer bag, are you not part of the perceived problem?

I sent my daughter private. It was either that or a school Ofsted rated as inadequate.

I didn't attend most of the social engagements. It was easy as that. Dropped her off, picked her up. Got on with my life. She got a great education. One of the dads - a billionaire - wore an old anorak and drove a small electric car to school pick up. Not everyone was a super show off. I certainly wasn't in my shitty ford fiesta.

A lot of nurseries do pre-school graduation.

DS went to a pre-prep attached to a prep school and they didn't.

Many state schools have very competitive parenting

Schools will differ from one to another. We have sent both of our DDs to private school from the nursery at 2 and onwards. I don’t go in for all the parent socialising and just largely ignore that side of things, and it really doesn’t matter as that’s not what I’m paying for.

I’d say our school is reasonably competitive, but not excessively pushy. It’s by no means true that everyone sends their children there in order to push ahead - a lot (myself included) do it because it is a lovely environment and facilities, good teaching, strong range of extra curricular activities, and you don’t have to worry as much about really antisocial elements.

Don’t over think it and see how it goes, would be my advice.

Both of my boys attend private school. One is 6 the other is 4. There has been no competition for anything. The school is amazing and works well to help them flourish. My oldest is doing so well he is actually doing year 2 work (he is in year one). His teacher said she tries to make sure he has something challenging and engaging which I love as it means he's not sat there board.

Everyone's expierence will be different.

I suppose it depends on your school. I have one boy at state and one at private. The parents at both have been fine. I dont fit in in the sense i dont wear my gym gear or expensive clothing, all our social events have been pretty much cancelled because of Covid which tbh was a relief! Just take it as it comes OP, i think everything will settle down. Before the kids start its always a bit chaotic and everyone's nervous for their child but try and stay relaxed and enjoy it for what it is.

Maybe you should read some of the frequent threads about the behaviour of state school mums at the school gate/in whatsapp groups, etc. I never experienced that sort of nastiness at DTs pre prep or prep.
The ‘graduation’ is much more likely to occur at nurseries which are not connected to private schools, as the attitude in private is that the majority are not going anywhere, except to the next class. Similarly there was no year 11 Prom, as the assumption was that virtually all were staying put.

When my child left state nursery there weee graduations, last day parties and sports events etc all within a short space of time as these are all done in summer months. Think this is pretty standard.

Mine then moved on to private school and can’t say I noticed much difference in the pre prep for starting. All state schools around here did bump up days for children and curriculum / welcome to the school talks too. Think this is pretty standard ?

I attended a state Primary, but went to private school at age 8.

Main difference I think is that the primary part of the private school I attended spent a good amount of time coaching the kids there to pass the entrance exam into the upper school. I'm not sure I could have got in without a lot of coaching from my uncle - but then this was a long time ago and the quality in state schools has improved immeasurably since.

As far as the snobbery goes - you'll find that everywhere - it's just human nature - manifests differently in different places but there'll always be in-crowds and they'll have their own rules as to who's allowed to be part of their gang, and look down on everyone else. Some parents at my private school were like this - many were just down-to-earth, nice people.

My kids are at private school. It's very down to earth and nurturing. My kids love it and I'm very happy. The parents are a mixed bunch, some are extremely wealthy, most are just normal folks. You are probably stressing yourself over nothing, relax and see how it goes. You can always change schools.