Page 3 | To find private schooling overwhelming?

Keepingitreal14 · 25/06/2021 09:35

My DD is in state primary and every year at this time of the year its overwhelming. We have just been having a moan on the parents group this morning about it. This week we have had world cup clothes day, bring donations for the summer fair, extra PE kit day for a rugby coach coming in, summer fair, summer raffle tickets, each class has to wear a different colour for diversity week, oh and sports day earlier in the week. We've not even started with transition to the next year group days yet or end of term parties. It happens at this time every year.

What you wear to the playgroup, which social events you join etc, is totally down to you that's not your child's school or separate to private / state school.

MsSquiz · 25/06/2021 09:43

I went to private school from year 6 to 13, and the only things my DM attended were the Christmas and summer fetes in my first year.
You can be as involved or not as you choose to be.

The competition is subjective (or at least it was for me) I was friends with super competitive kids (one girl kept a book full of all her achievements to present in 6th form as her case to be head girl!) I was never in competition with any of my peers, I just focused on myself and my own work.
My DM's rule was alway just to do your best, but if you choose not to, the only person who loses out is you.

DD (18months) has her name down for private school from reception, but I also know I wouldn't hesitate to remove her if she absolutely hated it once she is older.

Legoninjago1 · 25/06/2021 09:56

OP you sound just like me. I've had two in private school since nursery and I haven't experienced any of the things you're worried about. It's probably dependent on the school you choose though.

OhWhyNot · 25/06/2021 09:58

I find it overwhelming

It’s incredibly competitive though this is always played down and parents pretend not to be (and pretend to be financially struggling too which is fucking ridiculous

I don’t fit in I don’t quite get the culture I’m from a wc background but have made a few friend who are misfits to but all our children are happy through at times I feel under too much pressure

Legoninjago1 · 25/06/2021 10:00

I mean not wanting to get overly involved. And you really don't have to. There are some who do lots of social stuff and some who do zilch. There's no issue. I can also confirm I look like shit most mornings and all afternoons

Annasgirl · 25/06/2021 10:13

Hi OP,

I have been through all systems and so has my friend. We have had our DC in state schools and private and I find the private schools more nurturing and also less "show off" than the state. As PP have said upthread, most people in private school don't care about what car anyone else drives or what clothes they wear. Many of these people are so rich that really, no one can compete so you are better off just being you.

I also found that I could get be as involved as much or as little as I wanted - none of that impacted on my DC's ability to make friends.

But, if you feel the school is the wrong place for your DD, then you should try to find somewhere she will be happy. My most important take away from schooling is that when you'd DC is happy in school nothing else matters and equally when they are miserable, nothing else matters.

Good luck.

Chilver · 25/06/2021 12:48

@ScatteredMama82

Can I ask why you think there is ridiculous competitiveness, awkward socialising and pressure? What experience are you taking this from if she hasn't even started yet?

My DS1 moved from our local primary to private school in September last year, so is just coming to the end of his first academic year there (yr 6). I find it completely the opposite to what you describe. They are nurtured, their strengths encouraged and the few parents we have met so far (due to COVID) are just like us. Not competitive, not awkward, just wanting the best for their child and the kids are really nice too. I'm really glad he went when he did. DS2 will join him there in a few years time.

We moved our DD from state to primary mid Year 4 so last October and like the above, we have found the opposite to what you describe. Our dd is thriving and I find the parents way less competitive than at her old state school. I rock up in sports gear, no make up, no hair done at the school gates and not an eyebrow is raised! I am enjoying the few friendships I am starting to make (but don't have time for much so very slow to engage!) with other parents and they are just like us really.

I think you choose what you engage with and how often.... and turn off those thoughts in your head! Everyone is probably as busy as you and just getting on with their own days!

HRHTheLadyOfTheHouse · 25/06/2021 13:05

My two go to a small private school. The only schools in our catchment area were either failing or oversubscribed.

I think I am like pretty much every other parent. I drop off and am friendly to the other parents. I pick up and have a little chat about inconsequential things to the other parents (Plans for centerparcs this year for example). I am on a whatsapp that discusses reminders for PE kit. I'd be hard pressed to find a parent off the top of my head that is snobbish. The most obviously rich parents drive a 16 year old for ka and the wife teachers yoga (i say obviously rich because they own the biggest manor around our way).

It might be that I just somehow have not noticed the competitiveness. My older DC had a birth injury which has meant that he has a range of issues including being very developmentally delayed. So there isn't anyone who is trying to compete with us on anything. My younger wanders around in a little bubble of day dreaming.

I echo what others said. Engage with what you enjoy, disengage from the stuff you don't.

HRHTheLadyOfTheHouse · 25/06/2021 13:06

*drives a Ford ka
*teaches

Honestly. I can spell.

Original poster

RomPom · 26/06/2021 08:48

So, not long after I wrote this post I attended a 'moving up' tea party. I spoke to another mum briefly and she asked where she knew me from, was it golf? No. Was it Polo? (Polo!!! 🤣🤣) No. Did my husband attend (a certain place)? No. I said we didn't really go to many things. And she slowly walked away from me. And that was the end of that.

I then met a lovely lady who's son was completely feral and we're arranging a play date.

OP posts:

Legoninjago1 · 26/06/2021 09:34

@RomPom

So, not long after I wrote this post I attended a 'moving up' tea party. I spoke to another mum briefly and she asked where she knew me from, was it golf? No. Was it Polo? (Polo!!! 🤣🤣) No. Did my husband attend (a certain place)? No. I said we didn't really go to many things. And she slowly walked away from me. And that was the end of that.

I then met a lovely lady who's son was completely feral and we're arranging a play date.

This is all very surreal and not at all in keeping with my experience of several private schools....! And moving up from what? She hasn't started yet!

Legoninjago1 · 26/06/2021 09:44

Great that you've got a play date though. Hope you find some more like minded souls.

vinicunca · 26/06/2021 09:59

Yes because absolutely everyone who has a child in a private nursery spends their days swanning around golf courses. I, for one, don’t let a week go by without a cheeky jaunt to the polo. And all the husbands all went Eton and all know each other. Right

Don’t worry OP, By the time she’s finished Year 1 you you’ll have been invited to the Ferrero Rocher Ambassador’s Reception.

NoTruckWithFrontedAdverbials · 26/06/2021 10:06

I was going to say this is your insecurities playing out but reading this I’ve changed my mind!

“So, not long after I wrote this post I attended a 'moving up' tea party. I spoke to another mum briefly and she asked where she knew me from, was it golf? No. Was it Polo? (Polo!!! 🤣🤣) No. Did my husband attend (a certain place)? No. I said we didn't really go to many things. And she slowly walked away from me. And that was the end of that.”

Elphame · 26/06/2021 10:13

@RomPom

My child is starting reception in September. I chose a private school as I've heard great things about it and I had a private eduction with mainly happy memories.

I'm wondering if I've made a big mistake! The ridiculous competitiveness; the amount of events and awkward socialising; the pressure on kids who are still so little. I'm worried that it's only me who has the issue, and I need to be careful that I don't project it onto my child. Does anyone else have kids in private school? Do I have to keep up appearances for the next 15 yrs?! Can I be that parent who just doesn't bother with certain things? Will it be frowned upon? Or am I massively overthinking the whole things and that all schools, private or non are exactly the same?

I found the complete opposite.

Both mine were educated privately and I chose not to socialise with the other parents other than play dates. Most other parents were the same. I attended parents evenings and the school plays the DC were in. All the social events I just declined.

Original poster

RomPom · 26/06/2021 11:10

@Legoninjago1 DD is currently at the nursery attached to the pre prep

OP posts:

OhWhyNot · 26/06/2021 12:06

this thread is exactly what I encounter at my ds school (and the prep school he previously went to)

A denial that there is a a lot of pressure, it’s competitive, all are welcome with open arms, it’s classless and so on

No doubt that some on here that is the case but I wouldn’t be surprised if some parents are on here who I have come across who will often claim private school it’s just like a state school but a bit more focused (not in my experience it’s quite a different world where our children’s privilege is not to be acknowledged I always remind ds how he is privileged)

MeanderingGently · 26/06/2021 12:17

I think it depends upon the school. I work in a private school, they take children from 4 until 13. It isn't competitive (although individual parents might be, of course) and the younger ones have a lovely 'family' community.
It's in the countryside, with lovely grounds and the children genuinely come first, being part of "our big family" is the ethos of the school. I have come across other private schools who do not work on these lines though, so definitely look around if possible.