To find private schooling overwhelming?

[RomPom]

My child is starting reception in September. I chose a private school as I've heard great things about it and I had a private eduction with mainly happy memories.

I'm wondering if I've made a big mistake! The ridiculous competitiveness; the amount of events and awkward socialising; the pressure on kids who are still so little. I'm worried that it's only me who has the issue, and I need to be careful that I don't project it onto my child. Does anyone else have kids in private school? Do I have to keep up appearances for the next 15 yrs?! Can I be that parent who just doesn't bother with certain things? Will it be frowned upon? Or am I massively overthinking the whole things and that all schools, private or non are exactly the same?

Honestly op this is in your head. I find it quite disturbing how many posters are so so concerned about the school run and it’s such a huge deal to them.

My daughter was privately educated from four to eighteen. Her whole school career, in one of the poshest private schools there is. And I can assure you stop stressing about the other parents and competing. It’s not about uou. It’s about your child, take part in what you wish to, don’t take part in what you don’t. Don’t make it your life’s mission to be everyone’s buddy, jist go with the flow and chill.

Mine are at two different private schools and it’s quite different from the experience that you describe. Having said that, both schools run through from 4-18y so there is no need to be competitive.
FWIW flashy cars and handbags are few an fat between (we have a small and very old family car, most of my clothes are H&M/Sainsbury’s). The second hand uniform sale is very popular. Some parents are wealthy and others are in a rented flat - no-one seems to care either way.

But, if the culture of the parents at your DDs is stressing you then you need to find out whether it really is like that and if so, consider moving.

This is you projecting.

All the people I know who privately educate give exactly zero fucks about what anyone thinks of them. Not in a horrid arrogant way. But their private education and cultural capital has given them a confidence that really permeates their whole sense of self. They don’t sweat the small stuff. There is no “keeping up”. The are secure.

So start thinking a bit more like that.

I think you’re BU. It depends on the school (state or private - there’s so much variation!)

My DC’s state primary was ‘overwhelming’ in the sense you describe. Lots of demands and expectations on parents as well as kids. So many social events and extra curricular stuff. And lots of pushing the kids to pass tests as opposed to fostering a love of learning.

It’s not black and white.

my son went to a private school and it doesnt suit all but it suited us, I never went in for the designer handbag and clothes and sunglasses look,nor did I compete with any other parent. I was me and I yes dressed decently for parents evening and concerts but other than that I polled up in my 20 year old shed of a car and jeans and t shirts. It is only competitive if you buy into that and there is really no need to do so, Shouty wealth and status grabbers are not my kind of folk and I am sure they wouldnt be seen dead with me but you have equal rights to be a part of that school and a right to be yourself with your own values. I met so many lovely ordinary parents and so many lovely quietly super wealthy parents and made friends of them all, Dont buy into the cool brigade and all will be well. Its school ...yes with lots more opportunities and occassions but its not mandatory to be stood on a rugby pitch on a saturday in head to toe gucci in january!!!! Relax take it as it comes and if it doesnt suit you can leave at any time. I would give it more time,

You'll find that parents will chill out a bit as the kids get older. Just draw your own boundaries from the get go.

Don't feel the need to be included or invited. As long as you have enough good friends and family out of school to give you some perspective then you'll be fine.

Everybody's child is special, the school gates really bring out the competitiveness in some people and sometimes the child is just as bad. Every child will get a chance to shine. Concentrate on a good relationship with the school and don't believe all the gossip either. Each family's experience of the same school will be different so just make sure yours is the best it can be.

[quote RomPom]@ScatteredMama82 DD currently goes to the nursery attached to the school, she's only been there a few weeks so it's all quite new for her. She's having a pre school graduation in a couple of weeks and there's so much involved in it, she seems very overwhelmed. Plus the amount of events I've been invited to attend to ease the transition to pre prep seems more than necessary. I'm also scared to do the school drop off without my make up on and my designer handbag, but I guess that's a 'me' problem 😂[/quote]
Both mine are at private. I don't own a pair of heels, my handbag comes from accessorize and I last wore makeup on my wedding day over 20 years ago. You'll get a mix of parents anywhere but st both my kids schools I would say over half of the families have 2 working parents and need them to pay the bills. The super rich and the yummy mummy at the gym all day types are in the minority. Chill. You'll find your tribe.

I have kids in private school. It’s not at all competitive. There is pressure to socialise with other parents and be a part of a fairly tight-knit community. I find that a little draining at times but it is definitely beneficial for the kids and I have developed a couple of friendships that may last even when our kids are no longer in the same school.

But then we deliberately chose a school with a liberal and evidence driven philosophy and an emphasis on community. We looked at schools that I can imagine would be like the one you describe but it really wasn’t what I wanted for my kids (or me) so we didn’t send them there.

I feel your pain.
My sons go to an exceptionally competitive school. I sent them because it was like the school I went to, and where I was happy.

Things seem to have changed with huge amounts of parental input. There are huge amounts of homework and constant exams. I don't remember my parents being as involved as the ones at school now.

I work 60 hours a week to afford the fees. I ignore most of the school and don't care too much if I miss some things. I just check and make sure my boys are happy. They don't want to leave, yet.

Is it a selective school? Non-selective schools can be lovely nurturing places but I do think there's a certain sort of parent who buys into the whole mad scene of graduate scheme style assessment days for 3 year olds. If you have chosen to put your kid through that, you are going to encounter a lot of toxic weirdness ~but you may also be quite strange yourself~

What you describe is not my experience of private primary. We've found it very relaxed. There's a fair few fundraising events but not more so than my friends whose kids are in state school.

If your school is as you've described, you may have picked the wrong one!

Sounds nothing like the private school mine go to - they’re all different so don’t tar them with the same brush.

At my local state school there was far more competitiveness & ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ than at the private one!

I think what you describe is often why people pay. It's important to them.

@ChainJane

It's a balancing act really, you have to weigh up the benefits versus the downsides. In my view the negatives of competitive parenting and awkward socialising are outweighed by the positives of a better education and opportunities for my child. Plus there's never been a stabbing or a rape at our school, unlike the state option down the road.

Did the entire Everyone's Invited scandal pass you by? Private schools unfortunately have plenty of rapes too - in some cases far more.

Totally reasonable to choose the right school for your child, totally unreasonable to think that it insulates them from problems.

My dcs go to private school and it's not like this really. Although, lockdown showed me that's some parents are like this, work completed by 9, extra work asked for and done etc. But I just smile and mod at these parents and associate myself with the ones who are more down to earth.

@Wondergirl100

State primary schools are not like this - yes some parents worry more about reading etc than others but generally they are full of nice normal people who just want to make friends locally and their kids be happy.

Same with most private schools I am sure. Plus, we have a state school near us which is a feeder school to a private school for year 5/6 and the parents are very competitive, paying for tutoring etc and demanding. They want their child to get into the private school.

Just drop and run.

Not all private schools are amazing. Our first Indi was lovely and nurturing but was academically shite so we moved them to the new prep they are at. Which is just a brilliant school and my kids are lucky to go there.

Make sure you did your home work with educational outcomes and leaver destinations because this should be the deciding factor why your kids are there.

When our kindergarten was closed the teacher put on zoom baking classes, outside gardening classes with a worm farm, bug hotel, end of day story she was amazing.

You will find your own little group that are like you it just takes time.

@Wondergirl100

State primary schools are not like this - yes some parents worry more about reading etc than others but generally they are full of nice normal people who just want to make friends locally and their kids be happy.

The CofE school (state) my niece and nephew are at is very much like this... Outstanding school, tiny catchment plus a bit of competitive religion thrown about to get in. Small upmarket Cotswold village full of doctors and lawyers.....from what I've seen more competitive parenting going on there than our London private prep where the parents are definitely more relaxed!

Choose a school with the right ethos and you'll be fine. Some schools are have a very competitive parent body filled with the nouveau riche showing off their white range rovers. Some have old money driving beaten up Volvos full of horse hair. Some have a mix of money and less money. I moved from an old money school that closed to a big public school very much full of show off parents that brought candelabras to the summer picnic on the rugby pitch. We chose a smaller school with no great competitive atmosphere and there is a real mix of people.

I remember when dc started, ds was year 3 and by then there was so much assumption that we just knew what was going on , routines and the jargon. Dd was Reception but one of only 4 joining the established nursery classes. Fortunately the school published a termly calendar in advance so we had dates of events and special days like World Book Day and sports day but details were often last minute. It will get easier with time as you become more familiar with school life, much of this is not specific to the private sector.

It sounds like an absolute nightmare. I would never put my daughter through something like that.

To be honest OP, you sound as if you are building something up on your own head that probably doesn’t even exist.

There is no such thing as a typical private school any more than there is a typical state school.

If you feel uncomfortable amid this particular cohort of parents, please don’t extrapolate and stereotype all private schools and parents based on your own (narrow) experience.

My DC have all gone through various independent preps in London, followed by various London Day Schools and I don’t recognise the whole “handbags at dawn” thing at all. Nor the “I can’t go unless I’m in full make-up.” Most mums are in their gym clothes mostly - hardly glamour!

Nursery and reception can have busy or what I’d call “high input from parents” periods whether you’re in state or private. These periods are often towards the end of the summer term, at Xmas or whenever there is a school fete or play coming up. Do you imagine state schools don’t involve parents in such matters? From what I hear, they require just as much if not more involvement - eg reading mums or fundraising.

All schools have their class reps and PTA and this will vary from year to year. In summary, yes, you seem to be overthinking.

You can never say all private schools or all state schools are anything, there is massive variation.

That said, I went to academic private schools and my children are at state schools, and I've found at state school a big ethos of valuing everyone & respecting everyone's contribution. It is maybe more noticeable to me because it was entirely missing from my own education - being the cleverest was "winning". I am really glad that my children are growing up with a wider perspective and I think it's healthier for their self image. I'm not saying it's impossible to find it in the private sector, but it's harder, I think.

All private schools are different. I think you might be overthinking things though - your child hasn't started school yet so how can you be experiencing all these things?