Struggling. Opinions pleass

[Annie2317]

I'm a 30 Yr old single mom. I work full time (basic wage) and I'm living with my parents. My child is only a toddler & goes to nursery 4 days a week.
My mom gets them ready as I start work very early in the morning (2 hours before nursery starts) and picks them up as they finish at the same time as I do, she then looks after them on a Friday for 5 hours while I'm at work. They never look after them over night or weekends.

My parents and now asking that I pay 500pm for living at home and looking after my child, I was originally paying 300.
500 is just under half of my wage a month and after paying nursery fees swimming lessons phone bill and doing a shop for the month I'm left with next to nothing.

Does anyone else think this is wrong?

I don’t think you have a handle on your finances as what you’ve described as your take home pay seems ridiculously low if you’re not having any benefit top up.

Wha does the father contribute?
What’s your hourly rate and your contracted hours?
If you paid for a private childminder for the hours you’ve described you’d be paying about £410 a month. So you’re actually on a comparable deal with your parents. And of course you have the incalculable benefit of your child being cared for by people who love her.

You should sit down and work out a proper budget and get some good advice on your income.

Set a saving plan and stick to it. Set yourself a goal for moving out.

Good luck.

"The alternative is that you get up 2 hours earlier to get your child ready for nursery, and pay a child minder to collect on Fridays. That would cost you far more then what your mums proposing. I think 500 is fair, that's rent, heating, electricity, water, council tax, broadband and looking after your child in the week."

A childminder for 5 hours every Friday isn't going to cost more than £500 (or even the increase of £200) a month. Don't be ridiculous.

The first post was mistaken - the OP couldn't simply get up earlier to get her child to nursery. She leaves for work two hours before the DC needs to go to nursery, so the OP needs childcare to cover 2 hours early in the morning and the drop-off to nursery. As it's so early, I can't see any non-live-in childcare being available for that slot and for four days a week, plus afternoon pick-ups and the Friday chunk, it would surely add up to at least £500 a month. It's not a ton of hours, but it's very inconvenient.

@Annie2317 you need to check your benefits entitlement again. You are definitely eligible if you’re on basically minimum wage.

Yes I think it’s unfair your parents are charging £500 a month as your child is in nursery 4 days so clearly they are jot providing all the childcare which most people don’t seem to have read in the third sentence of your OP. But it’s their prerogative.

You’ll have to stop the swimming for now so you can save more. Or, check you entitlement and move out. Or, talk to your parents and ask for a few more months respite while you sort yourself out.

If you’re only earning around £1500 a month it’ll be years before you can afford to buy unless you are extremely strict with your money - I think your parents can see this.

@Pinkdelight3

"The alternative is that you get up 2 hours earlier to get your child ready for nursery, and pay a child minder to collect on Fridays. That would cost you far more then what your mums proposing. I think 500 is fair, that's rent, heating, electricity, water, council tax, broadband and looking after your child in the week."

A childminder for 5 hours every Friday isn't going to cost more than £500 (or even the increase of £200) a month. Don't be ridiculous.

The first post was mistaken - the OP couldn't simply get up earlier to get her child to nursery. She leaves for work two hours before the DC needs to go to nursery, so the OP needs childcare to cover 2 hours early in the morning and the drop-off to nursery. As it's so early, I can't see any non-live-in childcare being available for that slot and for four days a week, plus afternoon pick-ups and the Friday chunk, it would surely add up to at least £500 a month. It's not a ton of hours, but it's very inconvenient.

Thanks for understanding what I wrote. I never wanted to go back to my job due to the hours and the fact it would stop me from doing simple things like getting them up and taking to to nursery etc but I can't just walk out of a job because then I'm completely wirhout money and you can't just go and get benefits that easy.

Are your parents struggling either financially or with this lifestyle? I think you need to sit down and discuss the long term here, are they hoping this will be the push that makes you move out and support yourself or are they more concerned with the money situation now?

How much can you realistically save now and how far is it going to go in terms of a deposit? If its a case of just needing a few years to save before you can buy then it makes sense for your parents to cut you some slack now and focus on the long term. If not and your parents are struggling for money then the short term will need to be the priority.

op why aren’t you answering the pertinent questions about the fathers contribution? Ask your wage/working hours?

Maybe your parents are fed up with you being evasive and not taking responsibility for your finances?

The hike from 300 to 500 is lots but you’ve got it pretty good with your family.

Could you negotiate it to £400 on the basis that the extra £100 will be saved every month towards a rental deposit? Otherwise you could explain to them you will never be able to leave.

Have another look at benefits. From your posts , your wage sounds low enough to be entitled to some help.

What brought on the change ? Have they explained anything to you?

Asking whether it's fair or wrong is completely the wrong question.

You are an adult, responsible for your own choices.

Your parents don't actually have to give you anything at all. So, 'fair' doesn't come in to it.

It is really nice of them to help you out as much as they do, as most parents would. The twenty hours weekly childcare costs alone would cost you £500 a month.

This is entirely up to them. As it's up to you whether you live there or not.

@Atalune

op why aren’t you answering the pertinent questions about the fathers contribution? Ask your wage/working hours?

Maybe your parents are fed up with you being evasive and not taking responsibility for your finances?

The hike from 300 to 500 is lots but you’ve got it pretty good with your family.

My parents know about my finances. The conversation has been had. I'm 30, I'm not a child so people need to stop replying like I'm some spoilt idiot. I buy mine and my childs food and essentials. Ive brought everything I own. I even replaced things in the house with things I had from my flat when they've broke and I had saving but due to circumstances I used it to pay off debts. Im grateful for there help and having a roof over our heads but it isn't a 24/7 thing. I never asked for there help, I wanted to leave my job due to the hours I worked and knew it would never work with having a baby but was told I'd be a bad example and mother if I did. Also you can't just walk out of a job n claim benefits. I've also spoke about claiming homeless and I was told if I did they'd take my child from me as they wouldn't want them in that situation. My mother offered to have my child while I worked. They are very money oriented people. As I said I rented before but that was before the last 18 months. I was also furloughed for most of last year and bits of this year so my money situation is dire. They are fine financially. Own there house. The father isn't mentioned because he isn't around and that's all ill say about that.

All I know is if it was my child struggling at any age I wouldn't be taking half of their wage for my own benefit.

@ObviousNameChage

Have another look at benefits. From your posts , your wage sounds low enough to be entitled to some help.

What brought on the change ? Have they explained anything to you?

Thank you I am looking into it as I've also looked into housing options but so far nothing.

No they haven't explained why.

And it has been discussed many times over the last year about saving and never been able to leave if there isn't some leeway or compromise. As I've said In a reply a minute ago, I've been furloughed and all sorts over the last 18 months. I had saving but used them to pay off debts etc.

No, I don't think it's wrong and I don't think it's fair you're calling it "half your wage" when it's probably not the full story.

You've avoided responding to comments about maintenance and top up benefits which you're likely to be receiving already. If your child is in nursery you'll have heard of the financial incentives for people on low incomes, so you're probably not being completely fair in what you portray as half your wage. It might be half your earned wage but it's probably not half your income (or on the basis your not claiming yet, your potential income).

Unless your parents have agreed for you to move in specifically so you can save large amounts of money that you couldn't do living independently, I don't think they're asking for an unreasonable amount given their contribution to you.

One way to look at it is, if you lived in your own home would you have more than £500-600 a month spare after you've paid your childcare and all other bills? Probably not on a ~£1000p/m take home, so I think you're pretty fortunate in that sense.

You should definitely be entitled to benefits if you are only earning roughly £1k a month and living with family. Check the benefit calculator online and start a UC claim. Also contact your local housing authority to ask about council/social housing etc. You might be better off housed in council housing with UC and housing element covering some rent.

Also you should receive child benefit I would have thought?

Well.... I mean... technically they are putting a roof over your head and providing childcare.. and you are 30. Lots of parents wouldnt ask for that much but I mean.. £500 a month for a home and childcare is not that much and to be honest, that is what real life is like. If I were you in this instance I would look for a new job or have a career change that gives better flexibility around your daughter and work towards moving out and being more independent. How long are you planning to live with your parents for? What's your plan? Surely you don't intend to still be living with them in your 40s?

You know they can't take your child from you if you present as homeless. There isn't a world in which such a thing is possible. Nor does their judgement on you giving up work and living up benefits mean that you have to do as they say. If you feel you'd be better off not living there and not working, then you should go that route. If that's impossible because leaving work wouldn't let you get benefits/housing then that's a different matter and not on your parents. But if you assess all the options and the best one is staying put in their house and in that job, then you have to pay what they're charging. And I suspect there isn't a better option to get that level of help and home set-up for £500 a month. It doesn't matter that their help isn't 24/7. Why should it be? They're still very much beholden to you and your DC with those tricky working hours. Your best bet for now, as well as revisiting what benefits you should get, is probably to keep looking for a job that fits in with nursery hours. As soon as you don't need their childcare support, they may well charge less, or you could look into renting your own place again and get back to being on a simpler parent/grandparent basis without the money issues.

Honestly you need to grow up. You are right, you are not a child so stop whinging about fairness like my 11 year old and sort out your life.

How many jobs have you applied for lately that pay properly and have regular hours that you can get a childminder for?
Have you actually spoken to someone about what you might be entitled to or just vaguely looked into it? Your wage is extremely low, the chances of you not being entitled to anything are slim to none.
Can your parents just take your child if you 'go homeless'? Have you actually looked into this or just rolled over and done nothing?

You come across as extemely passive, you are a mother now, start getting your shit together and acting like one instead of relying on your parents. You might pay for food and have brought some of your own things but so what? That is the very bare minimum a 30 year old mum should be doing, you don't get a medal for feeding and clothing yourself and your child.

I don't think yabu. 500 a month is a lot of money when they are mortgage free and you're only costing them an increase in utilities. You aren't entitled to benefits because the government take into account the households income as you're family. You'll never get out of the situation you're in if you're giving half of your monthly wage to your parents.

Are your parents of working or retirement age?

From your parents POV I'm guessing that getting your child ready in the morning and then collecting from nursery means that at least one of them is unable to work outside of the home .

And if they are retired it will be a commitment stopping them doing other things they may have chosen to do in retirement .

Whilst I agree with you £500 seems a lot to charge your child if they aren't actually having to pay out additional costs having you there , I can see why they may be asking this to mitigate other impacts on their lives .

If you really can't afford it you could try negotiating the amount with them.

I mean this nicely but you do sound a little ungrateful, complaining that They never look after them [dc] over night or weekends. They already do childcare five days per week! They have to get up early and be back home by pick up time every weekday. Plus the day Friday. You really cannot expect anymore. Maybe just something to keep in mind during the conversation.

Have they told you what to do all your life and kind of dominated it? I kind of feel like maybe that's the case from what you've written. You're there because they've told you about renting being wasted money and because you'd be a bad mother if you give you work etc. Then having got you there and reliant on them due to your schedule, they suddenly up their cost, giving you hardly a chance to save up and get out?

I think that's awful. They should be trying to help you not leave you penniless. Move away from them if you can.

I know you don’t want to be treated like a spoilt child but…that’s exactly how you are coming across.

You’ve been given some great advice here, but basically £500 per month is nothing to pay for what you are getting, and a lot less than you would pay in the ‘real’ world. You’re 30 for goodness sake.

@Exhausted4ever

I don't think yabu. 500 a month is a lot of money when they are mortgage free and you're only costing them an increase in utilities. You aren't entitled to benefits because the government take into account the households income as you're family. You'll never get out of the situation you're in if you're giving half of your monthly wage to your parents.

This is not correct. Household refers to the number of people in each family, not the building they're housed in. There are two households living in the same property. OP and her child are one household and therefore only her income is taken into account.

Agree with @bessmarvin they've told you renting is a waste of money but our now charging you. They are setting you up to fail. Get away from them OP the council wont leave you homeless. Go to a womens refuge if you have to. Your parents sound very controlling and dont seem to want you to improve your life.