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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this lie won't eat me up forever?

52 replies

Rooman · 23/06/2021 07:07

I have lied to my husband (and other people) about something important to our family. A comparable situation: I walked out of my job and resigned in a strop. They won't accept retraction of resignation, and to be fair I don't want the job, so I told DH - and others- that I've been unfairly treated and sacked etc etc. The lies have kept coming.

DH is now trying to 'fix' the situation for me. The more he tries to fix things the more likely he is to find out the truth and he will leave me for sure. I have stopped the lies in their tracks. Told him I just want to forget the whole thing and move on, that the job was shit anyway etc etc. He's having none of it.

I know that if he doesn't find out in the next week he's unlikely to ever find out but at the moment I am living in constant anxiety that a mutual friend might text him whilst he's at work, or someone might knock on the front door with some personal belongings and it will all come out. I am constantly checking my phone.

I haven't eaten for 2 days through the stress of it. I can't come clean. I don't know how people live with long term lies, I feel like I just want to disappear Sad

OP posts:
RugratMum · 23/06/2021 07:10

Just come clean, OP. Sit your DH down and tell him that you're very sorry but you were embarrassed so made up a story and then it all snowballed and now you don't know what to do. If you've got a solid relationship, he may be disappointed but he will forgive you.

Howshouldibehave · 23/06/2021 07:10

I know that if he doesn't find out in the next week he's unlikely to ever find out

I would say that’s wishful thinking and he could find out at any time in the future. I couldn’t live with that level of stress, I don’t think, and would just have to tell him.

DinosaurDiana · 23/06/2021 07:12

You need to tell the truth. Now.

Shoxfordian · 23/06/2021 07:13

Yeah you need to tell him the truth

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 23/06/2021 07:14

Can you live with the constant turmoil of “is this the day he finds out?” You said if he doesn’t find out this week he’s unlikely Ever to - what’s changing in 7 days? Are you moving to the opposite side of the world?

LivingLaVidaCovid · 23/06/2021 07:15

I would come clean. Unless you are leaving the coubtry (are you?) He may yet find out.
The stress would ruin me physically and mentally.

shangelawasrobbed · 23/06/2021 07:15

I'd come clean, even if only to your husband. I thinks it's the fairest thing to do for him (given that he's currently outraged on your behalf and putting energy into trying to fix things for you), and also the best thing for your own sanity. Even if he doesn't find out this week, would you ever actually relax and forget about it, or would you always feel that little bit of anxiety in the back of your mind whenever work conflicts were brought up in conversation? Doesn't seem worth it to me...

Furrydogmum · 23/06/2021 07:15

Telling a lie isn't ideal but alongside your husband now trying to fix things I can see why you would. Tell your husband you are an adult and he needs to stop interfering and let you get on with adulting!! Reminds me of the husband of my friend who rang a place she'd had an interview for feedback on her behalf Hmm

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 23/06/2021 07:16

I do think some people can easily compartmentalise and live with long term lies. You don’t sound like one of them. If it’s going to be making you feel this way then that’s worse than whatever the fall out from telling the truth would be, and there’s no point in the lie.

HighlandCowbag · 23/06/2021 07:19

You were sacked really after a MH issue caused you to flounce.

RugratMum · 23/06/2021 07:22

@HighlandCowbag

You were sacked really after a MH issue caused you to flounce.
Well, not really. She just wasn't re-hired.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 23/06/2021 07:22

Why do you think dh will leave?

Flowerlane · 23/06/2021 07:29

Why are you so sure dh will leave if he finds out the truth?
Why do you think if you just give it another week that he won’t after that?

I don’t want to make you feel worse but lies normally have a way of coming out.

wildeverose · 23/06/2021 07:31

You absolutely need to tell him the truth before he hears it elsewhere

Anythingelseintheboxpandora · 23/06/2021 07:34

Why do you think he’ll leave?

Anythingelseintheboxpandora · 23/06/2021 07:35

You were sacked really after a MH issue caused you to flounce

…what?

romdowa · 23/06/2021 07:35

It will be better if he hears it from you . You aren't going to get away with this lie unfortunately

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2021 07:35

So whatever it is you did, it’s seriously important to your family you did it, and you elected not to so don’t want him to know?

Ladylokidoki · 23/06/2021 07:36

it's impacting your family. Finances for a start. The mental energy others are putting in to solving the problem for you.

Your lie is impacting other people. People you care about. And I often find, lies which seem like they will never come to light often do in the most weird ways. And if there's someone mutual involved, it really could come out

vincettenoir · 23/06/2021 07:37

That sounds very stressful. I hope it works out whether you come clean or not.

AlmostSummer21 · 23/06/2021 07:38

Why did you feel the need to lie to him in the first place?

Why can't you tell us what the actual situation is?

PurpleyBlue · 23/06/2021 07:38

Tell him, a good partner will be understanding even if they are upset initially

Ladylokidoki · 23/06/2021 07:38

And also the more you seem dustressed the more hevis going to try and fix it.

At this point, you aren't eating and stressed, he will think its because of being treated unfairly

Imnothereforthedrama · 23/06/2021 07:48

Tell him , other way round how would you react? Tbh the stress of the lie isn’t worth it so tell him he may be annoyed at your lies and what you’ve done but your a adult and you deal with that .

Ladylokidoki · 23/06/2021 07:56

Tell him, a good partner will be understanding even if they are upset initially

Potentially. But so much would determine whether a good partner would stay. Like is this the first time this sort of thing has happened?

Secondly, even if he a good partner and this the first time OP has lied to him? How much impact is it having on them all.

My partner lost his job at the beginning of the pandemic, leaving me as the only source of income. Last year was hard. But he is back in work, I got a pay rise and things are better. I am a good partner, and supported him through it, but if I found out he lied about losing his job and put on the responsibility onto me because he had a strop, I would ask him to leave.

The fact that he happily did that to me, leaving me so stressed and trying to hold our heads above water, because he had a strop and then lied to me, would mean he isn't the sort of person I want to be with.

These situations are so complex and even good partners don't take everything thrown at them. There would need to be so much detail for op to give, before anyone could decide if him leaving means he isn't a good partner if he doesn't support her through this, once he finds out the truth.