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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this lie won't eat me up forever?

52 replies

Rooman · 23/06/2021 07:07

I have lied to my husband (and other people) about something important to our family. A comparable situation: I walked out of my job and resigned in a strop. They won't accept retraction of resignation, and to be fair I don't want the job, so I told DH - and others- that I've been unfairly treated and sacked etc etc. The lies have kept coming.

DH is now trying to 'fix' the situation for me. The more he tries to fix things the more likely he is to find out the truth and he will leave me for sure. I have stopped the lies in their tracks. Told him I just want to forget the whole thing and move on, that the job was shit anyway etc etc. He's having none of it.

I know that if he doesn't find out in the next week he's unlikely to ever find out but at the moment I am living in constant anxiety that a mutual friend might text him whilst he's at work, or someone might knock on the front door with some personal belongings and it will all come out. I am constantly checking my phone.

I haven't eaten for 2 days through the stress of it. I can't come clean. I don't know how people live with long term lies, I feel like I just want to disappear Sad

OP posts:
HotToddyColdSauvignon · 23/06/2021 08:15

The issue is- the job walking out / fired scenario isn’t the real problem. That is an example by the OP

Not asking you to tell us OP, but only you know how severe the actual lie is

Ladylokidoki · 23/06/2021 08:24

The issue is- the job walking out / fired scenario isn’t the real problem. That is an example by the OP

Yes I agree. But if it has the same level of impact on the family as a whole, the fall out could be of a similar level. If you get what I mean.

But what it is about absolutely could change everyone's view. And yes the op isn't obliged, but its difficult to say.

Gazelda · 23/06/2021 08:32

If you told him the truth and he left you, wouldn't that show you the sort of person he is? And is that the sort of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Presuming you haven't committed an awful crime, any decent person would hear you out and try to help you process the incident in your mind so that you can move forward. It may take time.
Tell him. You know it's the right thing to do.

Looubylou · 23/06/2021 10:33

Hi OP, lies can whittle away at your emotional wellbeing and relationships even if they stay secret. I would fess up. I agree, however, it's difficult for us to imagine the fallout etc when we don't know the actual situation. If you have gone quiet because you have confessed, could you let us know you are OK?

Original poster
Rooman · 23/06/2021 14:29

Thank you for your replies- I haven't confessed. The job situation is hypothetical; there are only a couple of people in the whole world who know the truth of the situation and it's sort of time limited to 'blow up' - if he doesn't find out in the next week I could almost guarantee he'd never know.

You are all right though that I need to tell him but it seems the only way to possibly save the relationship is hope for the best. I just know he will be so disappointed and our relationship has been Rocky for some time (part of the reason I did what I did and part of the reason I lied) and I feel like he's been looking for an excuse to leave for a few months- this would probably be it. So, if I tell him- he leaves or if he finds out from a third party- he leaves. I'm behaving like a narcissist and I know it Sad

I absolutely detest lies, lying and liars so can't believe I'm in this situation to be honest.

OP posts:
LunaLula83 · 23/06/2021 14:41

Very immature. You've basically destroyed people's character because you can't own up. To leave in a strop is pathetic.

HeckyPeck · 23/06/2021 14:48

@Rooman

Thank you for your replies- I haven't confessed. The job situation is hypothetical; there are only a couple of people in the whole world who know the truth of the situation and it's sort of time limited to 'blow up' - if he doesn't find out in the next week I could almost guarantee he'd never know.

You are all right though that I need to tell him but it seems the only way to possibly save the relationship is hope for the best. I just know he will be so disappointed and our relationship has been Rocky for some time (part of the reason I did what I did and part of the reason I lied) and I feel like he's been looking for an excuse to leave for a few months- this would probably be it. So, if I tell him- he leaves or if he finds out from a third party- he leaves. I'm behaving like a narcissist and I know it Sad

I absolutely detest lies, lying and liars so can't believe I'm in this situation to be honest.

Honestly, I would just ride out the week.

I would also think about the relationship. Do you think he really is waiting for an excuse to leave?

I know your example was just an example but if he is fighting your corner in whatever the issue is, maybe he isn't looking to leave?

Mountaingoatling · 23/06/2021 14:52

This. What did they do to you before and after to get this reaction?.Go a little easier on yourself OP. And put that energy into finding a new job...which solves the problem as hubby just wants to see you happy and employed (I am guessing!)

Mountaingoatling · 23/06/2021 14:54

Sorry meant to quote and agree with @HighlandCowbag. Even if the job scenario is hypothetical it sounds like a combo of some personality traits and others who aren't perfect!

Cam2020 · 23/06/2021 14:54

Hes going to find out either way then, isnt he? The very slightly damage limiting option is honesty.

Janaih · 23/06/2021 14:56

You've committed to lying, I would also ride it out.
Lying is usually the wrong thing to do but everything you've said about your husband suggests he's a dick, so why not be proactive and leave him first?

gwenneh · 23/06/2021 14:59

I feel like he's been looking for an excuse to leave for a few months- this would probably be it.

It might be. And if he doesn't find the truth out and it doesn't become his excuse, he'll find another thing at some point. You're not going to salvage that situation because if he wants to leave, he will.

It sounds like your relationship is on life support and you're just trying to get it to continue on. Lies are never going to be the fix you need. Telling the truth and addressing the issues as to why the relationship is rocky will. You have to root out all of the decay and start fresh, or there will always be some weak spots. And if, in doing so, the relationship collapses, then you weren't going to make it healthy by being a liar.

Birkie248 · 23/06/2021 15:02

It’s sounds like it’s at the stage that it’s intolerable for you, so I think you’re going to have to admit it.
Why is he so involved in trying to fix it for you?At least if he knows it’s un-fixable it will stop this line of stress!

AryaStarkWolf · 23/06/2021 15:04

He would leave you because of what happened? Why?

unfortunateevents · 23/06/2021 15:17

Without knowing what the actual situation is (rather than the hypothetical job situation) it's difficult to understand why you believe this is time-limited and he is so unlikely to find out somewhere down the line. If he genuinely could only find out in the next seven days then I would ride it out I think but if your relationship is in a place where you are not getting on and you think this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back I think you have way too much at stake to cross your fingers and hope for the best and you should come clean to him.

DysmalRadius · 23/06/2021 15:22

Do you want to repair your relationship with your husband? Do you think you will be able to be happy together if he doesn't find out?

crazymicrowave123 · 23/06/2021 15:43

Why would you want to stay with someone that is looking for a reason to leave your relationship and who you are scared to tell the truth about something important regarding a mistake you made with your job? Major info missing here but either way, you should just be honest and accept the consequences.

LondonJax · 23/06/2021 15:57

@LunaLula83 the OP said the 'walking out in a strop' was hypothetical. She can't or doesn't want to repeat what the lie was on here as, at the moment, it looks like it'll blow over within a few days if she can keep it quiet - putting the truth on here means it's there for someone to find and put two and two together.

BirthdayCakeBelly · 23/06/2021 16:17

Depend what the lie is. If it was as trivial as walking out on a job then I’d just tell him to end it and the misery it’s causing.
If it’s something serious like saying you miscarried when you terminated then I’d take that to the grave.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/06/2021 16:25

if he doesn't find out in the next week I could almost guarantee he'd never know
This sounds so unlikely...

TallFriendlyGinger · 23/06/2021 16:34

It doesn't sound healthy to keep a lie in a relationship especially if it's already eating you up. If he's not happy in the relationship you shouldn't hold onto the lie in the hopes that it will never come out, it's dishonest and unfair. You should be honest with your husband and let what happens happen.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 23/06/2021 16:34

DH is now trying to 'fix' the situation for me. The more he tries to fix things the more likely he is to find out the truth and he will leave me for sure

What is happening in your relationship and home life for you to immediately assume that if your husband knows you walked out of your job that he would leave you?..Shock

TallFriendlyGinger · 23/06/2021 16:37

@Janaih

You've committed to lying, I would also ride it out. Lying is usually the wrong thing to do but everything you've said about your husband suggests he's a dick, so why not be proactive and leave him first?
How does he sound like a dick? All OP has said is that he isn't happy in the relationship and has been trying to fix her problem. We don't know anything else about their situation or relationship other than OP has told a lie that she worries her husband may leave her over.
Anythingelseintheboxpandora · 23/06/2021 16:39

How does he sound like a dick?

Man, innit 🙄

randomlyLostInWales · 23/06/2021 16:43

I just know he will be so disappointed and our relationship has been Rocky for some time (part of the reason I did what I did and part of the reason I lied) and I feel like he's been looking for an excuse to leave for a few months- this would probably be it.

If he's looking to leave - you can't make him stay all you can to stave it off and by the sound of it that's coming at some cost to you already.

Also as PP says why is he fighting for you so hard if he's got one foot out the door. Though if your unhappy at his interference and his attempts to fix things tell him your an adult and it's your job to sort it and he need to let you be the adult you are.

Plus lies have a habit of resurfacing even when you'd thought them safely burried.

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