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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my childs needs should be met

56 replies

Boatingforthestars · 22/06/2021 22:51

So my one year old son has been with a child minder a few days a week for the last few months now and I'm unsure if I am being unreasonable.

He usually has a bottle of milk and a 1-2hr nap in his cot mid morning before lunch, the child minder is fully aware of his routine, yet its getting more and more regular that hes not having his nap or any milk, sometimes neither.
Now I fully understand that it's probably difficult to prioritise a baby when you have other children to occupy too, but surely the fact we are paying customers means his basic needs should be met?

I'm not sure if I'm being a precious parent or not, but it seems wrong that we pay for him to be looked after yet when he comes home he's a little terror as he's missed his nap or had his routine messed with?

Is this normal or should I start looking for alternative arrangements?

Yabu - of course she cant cater for all children's needs so something has to give, it's normal.

Yanbu - you are not receiving the service you are paying for and should consider finding a new childminder.

OP posts:

Hellocatshome · 22/06/2021 22:54

Does he need the milk and a nap? Is he over tired and hungry when you pick him up? Just because its what he does at home doesnt mean he needs to do it there. My kids went to nursery from 6months and their routine there was very different to at home not better or worse but different.

Nicknacky · 22/06/2021 22:55

If you want the exact same routine then you need a nanny in your own home.

Matilda1981 · 22/06/2021 22:57

I’ve had two children go to an amazing childminder and where possible she sticks to a similar routine - by 12 months old they were just having an afternoon nap 12.30/2.30 ish and no milk

Stompythedinosaur · 22/06/2021 22:59

I think if you want a child carer who will follow all your routines you need a nanny. With a childminder they will try to develop a routine to meet the needs of all the dc, just like you would in a family.

I think it is disingenuous to say their needs are not being met - presumable they are being fed and allowed to sleep if they want? It is common for dc to nap less or not nap at childcare when interesting things are going on.

Temp023 · 22/06/2021 23:00

I don’t think a one year old needs a nap before lunch and he may not need the milk if he is getting other food. I think that unless he is obviously starving or over tired, then you need to trust the child minder to get on with things when you are not there.

Original poster

Boatingforthestars · 22/06/2021 23:02

He doesn't have milk any time other than his nap and bedtime, I guess he still needs milk at a Yr old, it's only cows milk if that makes a difference.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 22/06/2021 23:02

Which needs aren’t being met?

Unless you’re paying for individual care, I’m not sure what you’re expecting is realistic.

Original poster

Boatingforthestars · 22/06/2021 23:03

He also doesn't nap in the afternoon unless obviously he's missed his morning one, but by then he's usually hysterical so it takes some work to get him off to sleep.
It doesn't help that he's a difficult child at best and coming home tired and ratty just doesn't help us.

OP posts:

yeahdarling · 22/06/2021 23:05

Yabu

In my experience this is normal. Children find new routines with childminders and at nurseries as they fit around other children. To be honest it isn't a bad thing for them to be flexible. Dc1 had a very strict routine while dc2 just slept as and when because there was no other option.

swiggles · 22/06/2021 23:05

OP I agree with PP who mentioned that children often have different routines at home and at childcare. My DC will have 2 naps at the weekend but only one at nursery- and drinks small amount of milk at snack time at nursery but won't at home 🤷‍♀️ are they generally happy and well looked after at childminders?

Nicknacky · 22/06/2021 23:06

Both my kids came home grumpy from the childminder as they hardly napped, it’s just one of those things when you are using a childminder or indeed a nursery.

So much going on, different environment, nursery runs etc.

None of the childminders I used could have committed to a long nap before lunch as they had other kids to pick up at nursery.

Hellocatshome · 22/06/2021 23:07

He doesn't have milk any time other than his nap and bedtime but he could, he could have some milk to drink with breakfast and lunch and tea. I think you need to be more flexible or find one on one childcare.

DinoHat · 22/06/2021 23:11

Do you know why?

If your son is used to a nap and milk and isn’t resisting either I would definitely expect the childminder to stick to that routine.

Invisimamma · 22/06/2021 23:12

By 1yr old most children will be having a nap after lunch. The childminder routine might make it difficult for her to do a morning nap. E.g. Does she have children to collect from nursery?

Does he take his milk in a cup independently? If so then I can't see a reason why he shouldn't get it when other children are having morning snacks. If you are expecting the cm to feed him a bottle like a small baby I think yabu and that's not necessary at 1yr old.

Original poster

Boatingforthestars · 22/06/2021 23:13

He won't take it if there's other stuff going on hence he gets put down with a bottle mid morning. Like I said further up he is quite difficult and very fussy over what happens.

To the poster that said one child had s routine and the other didn't through necessity, we were the opposite, first child was very flexible and just fitted in with what we were doing, child 2 is an absolute terror when he hasn't slept, the milks not sp much the issue but I feel like it doesn't get offered.

OP posts:

roobicoobi · 22/06/2021 23:13

Is this normal or should I start looking for alternative arrangements?

It depends. Why does she say when you ask why he hasn't had his milk/nap?

RedPandaFluff · 22/06/2021 23:14

I'm actually pretty surprised at the number of YABUs on here. My toddler goes to nursery rather than a childminder, and they asked us for a lot of information so they understood her routine and have pretty much stuck to it. I feel that if the childminder agreed and committed to the routine during initial discussions and ultimately agreed to look after the child, then it's not very fair to start reneging on that now.

So, I think YANBU, @Boatingforthestars - but have you addressed your concerns with the childminder to see what the response is?

Original poster

Boatingforthestars · 22/06/2021 23:14

You lay him down and give him the bottle, try giving him a bottle in an environment where there's stuff going on and it gets thrown and the screaming commences, he's beyond stubborn too he just doesn't give in either it's his way or you listen to screaming all day long.

OP posts:

Maryann1975 · 22/06/2021 23:14

I wouldn’t necessarily think a one year old needs a bottle of milk in the morning. Your cm also can’t force your child to drink. There is likely far more going on in the setting than there is at home, maybe baby has realised this and doesn’t want to miss out having a bottle while the others are playing. I assume they are being offered a snack and a drink in a cup or water bottle, so they aren’t going without.

I would have let you know when I first met you, that I wouldn’t be able to put your child down in the cot for a nap in the morning as we are generally out. I prioritise afternoon naps as the majority of children have their naps then. Obviously if your child is tired in the morning, they will be able to nap, but it would be in the buggy not the cot. Is your baby having an afternoon nap? Or is that your baby is refusing to have a nap? Again the cm can not force your baby to have a nap, there is only so much we can do to help a child get to sleep. Even if they have excellent sleep routines at home, these don’t always follow the child to another place with another carer.

Invisimamma · 22/06/2021 23:15

I really don't think a one year old need to be bottle fed milk. It's not good for their teeth for a start. Milk in a cup at a mealtime would be a better option.

Nicknacky · 22/06/2021 23:17

So what do you expect the cm to do?

BlatantlyNameChanged · 22/06/2021 23:18

The CM won't be able to leave him alone in the cot with a bottle as children, especially infants, should be supervised when eating and drinking in case of choking. If she has other DC in her setting then she can't leave them alone while she sits in a room alone with him to supervise the milk drinking. In all fairness, I think you're being unrealistic in your expectations. He isn't going to behave the same at the CM as he does at home and it isn't going to be practical or reasonable to expect a CM to devote additional time to trying to get a (by your own admission) difficult sleeper to go off for a nap particularly if he's more interested in the activities and other children than he is in sleeping. Could you do the milk at home instead and offer it alongside his evening meal?

LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2021 23:19

I think you need to look at the impacts of the routine change rather than the rigid routine. So he's not getting ore nap milk- when during the day with the childminder is he being offered milk? Is he drinking it? If he is does it matter on the time?
No pre lunch nap - is he napping at another point? If not why not? It's been a while since I had a 1yr old but I doubt either of mine would have survived without a nap at that age. Is a later nap impacting you are home? Or is the results of no nap? I don't think it's unreasonable to address these issues and their impacts but try to be open to routine differences.

Wimpund21 · 22/06/2021 23:21

Sorry op but Yabu. Any child in childcare needs to adapt to the childminders or creche routine to an extent.

Like a pp said, the only way to guarantee your child gets 1:1 attention and where you could dictate the specifics would be to pay for 1:1 care with a nanny. You won't get this with any childminder or nursery where there are more dc to care for than just yours.

Original poster

Boatingforthestars · 22/06/2021 23:21

@Maryann1975

I wouldn’t necessarily think a one year old needs a bottle of milk in the morning. Your cm also can’t force your child to drink. There is likely far more going on in the setting than there is at home, maybe baby has realised this and doesn’t want to miss out having a bottle while the others are playing. I assume they are being offered a snack and a drink in a cup or water bottle, so they aren’t going without. I would have let you know when I first met you, that I wouldn’t be able to put your child down in the cot for a nap in the morning as we are generally out. I prioritise afternoon naps as the majority of children have their naps then. Obviously if your child is tired in the morning, they will be able to nap, but it would be in the buggy not the cot. Is your baby having an afternoon nap? Or is that your baby is refusing to have a nap? Again the cm can not force your baby to have a nap, there is only so much we can do to help a child get to sleep. Even if they have excellent sleep routines at home, these don’t always follow the child to another place with another carer.

If he hadn't napped at all then yes he would nap, but it's no easy feat as he is hysterical by the time you start trying to put him down in the afternoon. Sometimes the issue is he will only have a short nap which is not long enough but enough to stop him sleeping again, so he ends up getting very work up.

The issue is he is quite challenging so what would've been OK with my other child doesn't work so well with him, he's just not even remotely flexible, which makes it difficult because hes probably fine at the CMs, yet get him home and he's tired and grumpy. The reason he goes to the childminder is so we can work so to come in from a long day at work and have a stressed baby because his nap has been messed with is frustrating.

OP posts:

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