To think my childs needs should be met

[Boatingforthestars]

So my one year old son has been with a child minder a few days a week for the last few months now and I'm unsure if I am being unreasonable.

He usually has a bottle of milk and a 1-2hr nap in his cot mid morning before lunch, the child minder is fully aware of his routine, yet its getting more and more regular that hes not having his nap or any milk, sometimes neither.
Now I fully understand that it's probably difficult to prioritise a baby when you have other children to occupy too, but surely the fact we are paying customers means his basic needs should be met?

I'm not sure if I'm being a precious parent or not, but it seems wrong that we pay for him to be looked after yet when he comes home he's a little terror as he's missed his nap or had his routine messed with?

Is this normal or should I start looking for alternative arrangements?

Yabu - of course she cant cater for all children's needs so something has to give, it's normal.

Yanbu - you are not receiving the service you are paying for and should consider finding a new childminder.

My dd at 1yr refused any milk still does to be honest, so would use alternatives .. my dd also has a nap or not whilst at childminders but I let cm decide when she has that nap. My dd refuses to sleep at home but does tend to have 45 mins when with cm .. she also eats all food at cm and I can do the same and she won't touch it !! If a cm has multiple children its difficult to have them all on different routines so I'd just go with it .. but that's me .

To be honest with a child who thrives on routine like yours I'd look for a setting like nursery where they're able to provide a better structure.

Our nursery tried to keep nap schedules for the babies (up until they went to the toddler room and even after that for some kids) close to what they had at home. All babies are different in terms of what they need and when they're ready to drop naps. There would be days when they refused a nap and would be a nightmare that evenings but mostly

I'd talk to the CM and get her version first though.

@LittleOwl153

I think you need to look at the impacts of the routine change rather than the rigid routine. So he's not getting ore nap milk- when during the day with the childminder is he being offered milk? Is he drinking it? If he is does it matter on the time? No pre lunch nap - is he napping at another point? If not why not? It's been a while since I had a 1yr old but I doubt either of mine would have survived without a nap at that age. Is a later nap impacting you are home? Or is the results of no nap? I don't think it's unreasonable to address these issues and their impacts but try to be open to routine differences.

Hes offered milk but won't drink it due to wrong timing and or too much going on (mostly), he lays down at home in his cot, he's not going to drink a bottle of milk in a room with other children playing, he wants to play.

He will nap at other times but is much harder work as he's over tired. If his routine is kept to he easily goes to sleep, if not its about 45mins of rocking/restraining a baby that wants to fight his way out of your arms and go run around.

We will fit in around a later nap I'd needed but it's more s short nap out and about tyst causes issues as he then won't sleep again.

Dc come home tired and grumpy from childcare - that is fairly typical. They will come home tired and grumpy from school when they get older too. It is tough being a working parent.

I think childminders can be great but maybe better suited to a child who can cope with a more flexible routine. It doesn't sound worth it to put yourself through this extra stress.

@Boatingforthestars

You lay him down and give him the bottle, try giving him a bottle in an environment where there's stuff going on and it gets thrown and the screaming commences, he's beyond stubborn too he just doesn't give in either it's his way or you listen to screaming all day long.

I think a nanny or nursery would be better. The cm can't look after other children and supervise your ds in another quiet room.

This is why I didn't go for childminder as they have nursery or school drop off and picks ups so I was told most of them nap babies in the car. Theres also toddler groups in morning etc.

Nurseries have better structure than a childminder. There are multiple staff to enable children to get that one on one care they need. Maybe weigh up your options.
I’m sure some cm are great but they’re never going to focus on an individual child

My second DD was like that. You had to put her in her cot in a dark room for her to be able to nap, if there was anything distractions around her she wouldn’t nap and then scream bloody murder at 5pm - much too tired to sleep then but exhausted. I was a WaHM so able to prioritise her sleep and it sort of fixed itself after a while.

My older DD could sleep anywhere and with loud noises etc. So it was a shock with DD2.

I think a nursery would work better for him because they could put him down in a cot at a regular time.

My daughter had a bottle and went down for a nap just after lunch at one, at home. Still does and she's just turned two.
She refused to drink milk at nursery. She also sleeps in a cot at home but refuses to at nursery and sleeps in a pushchair.

Personally I'd be a bit annoyed if my child was at your childminders as you are expecting her not to take any of the children out during the morning, ever. A mid morning nap, in a cot, is not going to work. Childminders take kids toddler groups in a morning and naps are usually after lunch.

I dont think you’re being unreasonable in feeling like your child needs these things but it does sound like a child minder environment is a poor fit for his personality. A nursery with a calm and very routine focused approach might be better or if you can afford it, a nanny.

@RedPandaFluff

I'm actually pretty surprised at the number of YABUs on here. My toddler goes to nursery rather than a childminder, and they asked us for a lot of information so they understood her routine and have pretty much stuck to it. I feel that if the childminder agreed and committed to the routine during initial discussions and ultimately agreed to look after the child, then it's not very fair to start reneging on that now.

So, I think YANBU, @Boatingforthestars - but have you addressed your concerns with the childminder to see what the response is?

Yes, same.

If the childminder has three preschoolers in the mornings and no assistant (most child minders work alone) there inevitably will be other stuff going on, and it would be impossible/ hugely irresponsible to leave the other two unattended to sit in a silent room alone bottle feeding. That's the reality of using a childminder - it's highly unlikely you'll find one who can offer 1-1 because childminders need to be minding two or three children to make minimum wage.

I used to childmind when dc1 was tiny and was clear with everyone that we'd be going to groups and that routines would have to be juggled to compromise and accommodate three under threes, rather than one child's routine being rigidly adhered to and the other two missing out. I was fully booked with parents happy with that, but the parents who wanted me to work exactly to their child's set routine walked away, which was quite right - they wanted a nanny for the price and convenience (mess in my house not theirs) of a childminder.

A nursery with set routine might indeed better meet your son's needs as they have more staff to juggle with, so might be able to have someone sit alone with your DC in a room with nothing going on - but they might not, some nurseries don't have a separate nap room but put all the babies down at the same time in the baby room, you definitely need to be clear about that before committing to a new setting.

Milk and a nap is pretty standard/crucial for a 1 year old. A childminder shouldn't be committing to look after a child that age if they're not going to meet these very basic needs.

SuperMonkeys she isn't failing to meet those needs, she's failing to provide them in a room with "nothing going on". Obviously that's not going to be an option if she's minding three preschoolers.

As a childminder I think from a health and safety point of view it would be impossible to stick to his routine. It would be very irresponsible of her to either leave your child alone with a bottle or to supervise your child and leave the others alone. A one year old doesn't really need a bottle though so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Is she not offering him naps at all though? I must say, generally (apart from smaller babies) mine (and all the others I've ever had) sleep after lunch. We're usually out and about in the morning so I can see why this may be difficult for her and your little one. Is it worth tweaking his routine so he has an afternoon nap? I would have a chat with your childminder but If she's not willing to help then maybe she's not the right childminder for you but also bare in mind it sometimes takes the little ones time to settle in at childcare and this may include refusing to sleep for a few weeks till they get used to it

I don’t think the CM is doing anything wrong I just think you need a different type of care than what she can offer. You need a Nanny not a CM and that’s not the CM’s fault.

Nursery might work better.

Our nursery were happy to accommodate the same routines as the children were following at home - certainly at that age anyway. And they have the staff to accommodate that.

If you insist on a childminder putting him down in a cot for a nap each morning then she can’t take her other mindees out and about. That’s not realistic.

A nanny would be better for you.
Also ditch the bottles as it's really bad for their teeth to have bottles of milk at one. Cup with meals

I agree with those who suggest nursery instead - our nursery were really good with maintaining routine and, although my LOs naps are shorter there, they always happen and are always offered. I wouldn’t be happy about naps being missed (although you could try and consolidate into one nap a day) at 1 because they need them. Nursery were also happy to help with bottles when she wasn’t able to give up at 1 (as she just refused to drink anything at all 😩). The bonus of nursery is that there is often another pair of hands for a little one finding things challenging. Good luck OP and hope it works out for you! Xx

I worked in a nursery and we had twins whose mother insisted went to sleep holding a bottle. We couldn’t do this as they could choke. Your child should sit up to drink his milk. Maybe you need to teach him at home not to fall asleep lying down with a bottle and then he may be able to sleep easier in the childminders and he will also be able to fall asleep in a buggy while out and about if he doesn’t need his bottle. Not saying what you are doing is wrong but professional childcare won’t allow for this.

The problem is you can’t expect a CM to commit to being in the house 10-12 every day, that’s not how childminders work because especially now with things getting up and running again many parents pick them because they want the normality of getting out to groups and things.

I think generally nurseries are in a better position to keep to the routine a bit more because everything is mainly provided on site but of course that won’t be distraction free.

It is quite normal for children to have different routines on childcare days than home days though

@Danikm151

Nurseries have better structure than a childminder. There are multiple staff to enable children to get that one on one care they need. Maybe weigh up your options. I’m sure some cm are great but they’re never going to focus on an individual child

How do multiple staff enable one to one care? If there are three staff in the baby room, it’s a rare nursery that would not be offering nine baby places. The ratios for under twos are one adult for every three babies and nurseries need to work as close to this as possible to balance the budget. Budgets in early years are massively stretched, any slack in the system is generally saved for September when numbers generally drop because of the older ones going up to school and the new ones not having started yet, not because it’s better for children to have one to one all year round! As a childminder (who also needs to work at full capacity, just like the nurseries do), my routine is really solid, children thrive on routine. It might not suit every child, but it suits all the children I have at the moment and I wouldn’t change it for one new child as the rest of the children would suffer from that.

It sounds like you are trying to hang on to the 'baby' which is fine and good if you are home doing all the childcare. At a childminders though, moving into toddlerhood, it's not unrealistic for things to be different.