Would you attend this funeral?

[thedailymailmakesgoodlooroll]

I would welcome your thoughts about you would do in my situation please. I’m not in a good place mentally and am starting to lose perspective.

I lost two close friends recently, one late last year and one last month. Absolutely devastating. Then my cousin died a few weeks ago, having been taken ill suddenly then given weeks to live. I wasn’t close to my cousin, but she was pleasant enough and I got on well with her superficially. I went to visit her a week ago to give support and say goodbye. More on this in a bit.

In a few days’ time I will be attending my first friend’s memorial service (separate from her funeral which was last year, this particular memorial service was postponed due to Covid), and then next week it will be my second friend’s funeral.

It turns out that my cousin’s funeral will be the week after this. So, three services in three weeks.

Although I am dreading them, without question I will attend the services for both friends. But I don’t want to go to my cousin’s funeral. Why not?

Although I got on well with my cousin superficially, we were not close. She wasn’t the sort of person you could get close to, I did try though and always took an interest in her life. I remember I went to hug her once and she literally froze. She never asked after me or knew anything about my life, it was all about her. She wouldn’t have been able to tell you anything about me. I always take an interest in what family and friends are doing and their various interests.

The night before she died, she called family and friends to say goodbye, seemingly except me. She has my phone number. We hadn’t fallen out. Saw her the week before and we got on well. So I thought. Clearly I’m a piece of shit and don’t realise it.

The funeral is on my birthday. The family know when my birthday is. Before anyone says anything I know it’s not all about me and if it were a friend or close family member’s funeral I would attend without question, whether it was my birthday or not.

I’m hurt by all of the above points. Again, not all about me, I’m not a snowflake etc. but still.

I’m really tired. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. The funeral will be miles away. I don’t want to go. AIBU?

Thanks.

No.

You are overwhelmed with unexpected and compounded loss at this time and you need to do whatever you need to do to stay afloat.

I am sorry for your losses.

The only thing I would consider is would your non attendance inadvertently hurt anyone you are close to? If that’s a possibility you could always pretend you were going and then just come down with D&V on the day.

However I would reflect on your attitude of being pissed at the final actions of someone with terminal illness in their last hours and choosing to hold a grudge or take that personally.

I wouldn’t have been upset not to have got a call the night before she died, she was probably really weak and could only manage so many calls.

Why are you a piece of shit?

Don't go. Make a donation to charity or send flowers. You've had enough.

You are so hurt by the fact that she didn’t manage to call you from her deathbed to say goodbye that you won’t go to her funeral?!

She was dying, she knew she was dying and you’re whinging about the lack of a phonecall?! From someone you yourself say you were not close to?! Really?!

I would go even if it was a cousin I wasn't close to at all because I would want to be there in support of my other family members and would want to take the opportunity to thank God for their life.

Also, I am very aware that family feuds often start at weddings and funerals. Emotions are high, and people don't forget even decades later if someone apparently did something wrong. The amount of time you spend going to the funeral on that day could end up being far less time than your lack of attendance is discussed over the years.

I'm sorry for all your losses. Hope you're OK. Best of luck with your decision.

You have said you were not close and yet you use such vicious language because she didn’t call you the night before she died.

I suspect you will only be interested in responses that say don’t go.

Like a PP said, in those circumstances I'd say I was going to go and then, on the morning of, have "food poisoning" / a migraine / whatever white lie you think best. Just don't get caught out!

I would attend, only because it's the last thing you will ever have to do with her, you weren't estranged from her, you were seeing her up to last week and, mainly, because by not going to the funeral you could risk bad feelings with your remaining family. Could you look at it more as going to support your family members who are grieving?

It sounds like you've always took the higher ground no matter how you've been treated by her. Could you take that higher ground just one last time? Then you never have to think about it all again and can hold your head high, knowing you've done the right thing?

Don't go.

Thanks for your replies. To clarify I was not using "vicious language" against my cousin rather against myself. I'm hurt by the fact she called everyone else, yes. But I understand the circumstances as well and I am not without empathy. It's more just a mixture of everything that is overwhelming to be honest.

Oh, and if you DO go, please don't say any of this (about the phonecall, freezing when you hugged her etc) to the rest of the family or in fact anyone in attendance! If you feel you can't hold your tongue, definitely don't go.

Oh no, I wouldn't say a word of it especially not at the funeral!

Mourning is done in the heart. A funeral is merely a vulgar show for the world. Dont go unless you want to.

DO NOT think about going.
You have wisely identified that you are feeling fragile.
Perhaps somebody could benefit in some small way from this sad occasion , if you donate to a charity.

Oh and don't lie about a pretend ilness.

But you are making it about you. The lady was dying.
I'd go to show my respects but if you are not up to it, that's fine, but don't start laying the blame at her door

When do you need to decide by?

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

If you don't mourn your cousin, don't go to her funeral. If you don't wish to show support to the family surviving her, don't go.

Nobody on the internet knows what's going on in your heart and conscience, or knows about your family or any of the rest of your life, or how you will feel after two funerals in two weeks. You're really looking for a body of people - strangers will do, it seems - to tell you it's okay not to go to your cousin's funeral. Think about that, and then decide for yourself.

Just go. It’s a small amount of time,

I’m really sorry for your losses. And I appreciate so many funerals/ memorial services close together will be very distressing.

Your cousin was clearly a bit tricky to get close to. I wouldn’t be upset that she didn’t phone you to say goodbye, you can’t know what she was thinking, she might have missed your name or felt she’d already said goodbye the week before. Most people would not be thinking clearly at that point, I’m amazed she called anyone.

Speaking only from my own experience, I would go. I had an aunt (wife of my late uncle) who died unexpectedly in her early 60s. She wasn’t a warm person. I don’t remember her ever talking to me or taking an interest in me. I don’t think she felt much warmth to her late husband’s family. So I didn’t go. I was mid 20s and quite self-centred at the time. Now 15 years later I feel guilty about that. I shouldn’t have gone for her, I should have gone for my cousins and other family members, to show how much I cared for them. Even if they didn’t notice me amongst all the other people at the funeral. I suspect they didn’t notice I wasn’t there, but they probably were aware of general low numbers from that side of the family. I’ve recently moved to near where the funeral took place and I feel guilty every time I drive past.

I wouldn't go, unless your absence would hurt other family members. She's dead, she won't know or care whether you attended or not. Not attending doesn't have to be about having a grudge or being angry at her, it can just be about the fact that you were not close and it doesn't make sense for you to attend.

Funerals are for the people left behind to mark someone’s passing and start their grieving and healing. So go or don’t go according to whatever is best for you. Your cousin won’t be judging you.

Thanks for your replies, I'm finding this very helpful and thanks for being kind to me. I'm not looking for permission not to attend as such, more a sense of perspective from people who are thinking clearly? As I'm so tired and upset I can't think straight. Not sure when I need to decide by yet but I will find out.

Thanks especially @HappyDaysToCome for your post as this has really helped me put things in perspective. It is about the wider family really isn't it.

I’m sorry for all of your losses OP. Only you can decide what is the right thing to do but I agree with points made that if it would upset other family members, I’d try my best to be there. I understand you’ve had a rough time lately though.