Would you attend this funeral?

[thedailymailmakesgoodlooroll]

I would welcome your thoughts about you would do in my situation please. I’m not in a good place mentally and am starting to lose perspective.

I lost two close friends recently, one late last year and one last month. Absolutely devastating. Then my cousin died a few weeks ago, having been taken ill suddenly then given weeks to live. I wasn’t close to my cousin, but she was pleasant enough and I got on well with her superficially. I went to visit her a week ago to give support and say goodbye. More on this in a bit.

In a few days’ time I will be attending my first friend’s memorial service (separate from her funeral which was last year, this particular memorial service was postponed due to Covid), and then next week it will be my second friend’s funeral.

It turns out that my cousin’s funeral will be the week after this. So, three services in three weeks.

Although I am dreading them, without question I will attend the services for both friends. But I don’t want to go to my cousin’s funeral. Why not?

Although I got on well with my cousin superficially, we were not close. She wasn’t the sort of person you could get close to, I did try though and always took an interest in her life. I remember I went to hug her once and she literally froze. She never asked after me or knew anything about my life, it was all about her. She wouldn’t have been able to tell you anything about me. I always take an interest in what family and friends are doing and their various interests.

The night before she died, she called family and friends to say goodbye, seemingly except me. She has my phone number. We hadn’t fallen out. Saw her the week before and we got on well. So I thought. Clearly I’m a piece of shit and don’t realise it.

The funeral is on my birthday. The family know when my birthday is. Before anyone says anything I know it’s not all about me and if it were a friend or close family member’s funeral I would attend without question, whether it was my birthday or not.

I’m hurt by all of the above points. Again, not all about me, I’m not a snowflake etc. but still.

I’m really tired. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. The funeral will be miles away. I don’t want to go. AIBU?

Thanks.

Go, for her parents, and indeed yours, her siblings and other family members who are grieving.

Don't let your absence be gossip, and since regret not attending down the line when the fog of grief has cleared a little.

It sounds like you have been hurt by your cousin not calling you and the funeral being on your birthday, you feel this shows your cousin and her family don't care about you. I agree with PPs you are getting this out of perspective, understandable given the way you are feeling, but it doesn't reflect on you. My family arranged a funeral in the middle of my holiday, I had to cancel it. I completely understood, my holiday was not the priority.

I think if you don't attend you risk damaging your relationship with your family, it's an opportunity to support them, including your own parents (assuming they are around)who I would guess will be very upset? Sorry if I'm making assumptions about your family that are incorrect.

@thedailymailmakesgoodlooroll

Thanks for your replies. To clarify I was not using "vicious language" against my cousin rather against myself. I'm hurt by the fact she called everyone else, yes. But I understand the circumstances as well and I am not without empathy. It's more just a mixture of everything that is overwhelming to be honest.

Your language about her not ringing you as she lay dying was disgusting and completely uncalled for.

@HotChocolateLover

Could you ‘catch Covid’ a few days before. More believable.

FFS. DO NOT DO THIS. What is wrong with people?

The fact that she saw you a week before she passed must indicate she cared about you. That's the close friends and family only sort of thing.

If I was able to attend I would, making it as easy on myself as possible (book in a hotel night before, plan something for my birthday the following week). I'd do this on the basis that I never regret doing something like this, but I might regret it if I don't. If you go, pay your respects, it might actually feel quite helpful, despite your 'superficial' relationship you were close enough to see her close to her death. If you do go, I'd make sure you've got enough in your emotional tank though, support, time off work, self-care. All the best x

I'm sorry for all your losses, OP

If you don't want to go, just don't go. You don't need all these excuses and especially don't need to blame it on your cousin just so you feel better about it.
Just put yourself first. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.