Would you attend this funeral?

[thedailymailmakesgoodlooroll]

I would welcome your thoughts about you would do in my situation please. I’m not in a good place mentally and am starting to lose perspective.

I lost two close friends recently, one late last year and one last month. Absolutely devastating. Then my cousin died a few weeks ago, having been taken ill suddenly then given weeks to live. I wasn’t close to my cousin, but she was pleasant enough and I got on well with her superficially. I went to visit her a week ago to give support and say goodbye. More on this in a bit.

In a few days’ time I will be attending my first friend’s memorial service (separate from her funeral which was last year, this particular memorial service was postponed due to Covid), and then next week it will be my second friend’s funeral.

It turns out that my cousin’s funeral will be the week after this. So, three services in three weeks.

Although I am dreading them, without question I will attend the services for both friends. But I don’t want to go to my cousin’s funeral. Why not?

Although I got on well with my cousin superficially, we were not close. She wasn’t the sort of person you could get close to, I did try though and always took an interest in her life. I remember I went to hug her once and she literally froze. She never asked after me or knew anything about my life, it was all about her. She wouldn’t have been able to tell you anything about me. I always take an interest in what family and friends are doing and their various interests.

The night before she died, she called family and friends to say goodbye, seemingly except me. She has my phone number. We hadn’t fallen out. Saw her the week before and we got on well. So I thought. Clearly I’m a piece of shit and don’t realise it.

The funeral is on my birthday. The family know when my birthday is. Before anyone says anything I know it’s not all about me and if it were a friend or close family member’s funeral I would attend without question, whether it was my birthday or not.

I’m hurt by all of the above points. Again, not all about me, I’m not a snowflake etc. but still.

I’m really tired. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. The funeral will be miles away. I don’t want to go. AIBU?

Thanks.

@memberofthewedding

Mourning is done in the heart. A funeral is merely a vulgar show for the world. Dont go unless you want to.

But the ‘world’ is generally grieving family and friends. When my DP’s father died he was touched at the effort made by people who went to the funeral - many wouldn’t have met his DF and went specifically to support him. Conversely, he was very hurt by an old friend who didn’t go.

This isn’t a comment on whether the OP should go to this particular funeral - it sounds like she’s been put through the emotional wringer - but I don’t like this idea, which I’ve seen before on here, that it’s ok not to put yourself out at all to go to funerals because you can do a toast at home if you prefer. The funeral is for the loved ones and is the one occasion where their grief is acknowledged and put first. If they are important to the bereaved, they are important.

you don't want to go
that's enough reason, so don't go.

you need to look after yourself and stay away from a funeral on your birthday if that helps you even a smidge.

really sorry for all that you've been going through, it sounds so stressful and painful.
sending you big hugs xx

If you don't want to go to her funeral, don't go.
But I couldn't take the no phone call personally. You said you aeen her a week before to say goodbye. I'm sure she knows many people. If her death was imminent she probably felt she'd already said goodbye to you.

Not going isn't going to make any difference to your cousin. She's passed away. It's your family and yourself you need to decide for. But there's no law saying you must attend. I'd just be mindful about not attending for the wrong reasons because longterm you wont get a second chance.

I wouldn't attend the funeral if I didn't want to go - unless maybe to support other family members that expressly asked me to.
I certainly wouldn't get upset, or put myself down, that someone I wasn't close to made a few calls, but didn't call me.
The woman was dying, it's not all about you.
Whatever her health was like, and she can't have been feeling particularly robust or cheery, have you thought about how hard those calls must have been for her to make?

@SwimBaby

Why are you a piece of shit?

Can't you see the op is struggling, why did you feel the need to twist the knife??

Remember 'be kind'??

Personally, I think if you were close enough to visit her before she died, you should go to the funeral. She presumably has close family members who are upset at her dying. They are also (presumably) your family too. Unless you never see any of them, your lack of attendance will be noted and likely be hurtful to them.

That said, I'm Irish and we tend to go to a lot more funerals than seems to be the norm in england (that's based on posts here generally).

Just go and pay your respects.
It won't harm you or cost you anything.
You said, yourself, the she froze when you hugged. So you weren't very close.
Yes she didn't call you before she drew her last breath. That is not a reason to prevent you from paying your last respects.

Just go.

@IronTeeth - Can't you see the op is struggling, why did you feel the need to twist the knife??

Maybe read the op?

I've re read this, did you mean "why do you think you are a piece of shit?" If so I apologise for jumping down your throat
I'm not at my best today

Who is left behind? Kids, a partner, parents?

If there are people you do like and are close-ish to that are grieving this loss, then as family, I'd go.

If there's no one you feel close enough to that you wish to show your support for, then don't.

Given you were close enough to see her a week before her death, I think you're close enough for to be expected to attend the funeral. That said, 'expected'... by who. If you don't expect it of yourself, and noone else you care about will mind, then fair enough, don't go.

[quote OchonAgusOchonOh]**@IronTeeth* - Can't you see the op is struggling, why did you feel the need to twist the knife??*

Maybe read the op?[/quote]
I've just cross posted! ( I'm a muppet )

@IronTeeth I think the pp was questioning op’s belief she is a piece of shit.

OP, aside from not being close to the cousin, you say nothing of your relationship to the cousins’ family. Really funerals are for the people left behind. If you don’t go will it hurt your cousins’ immediate family (parents? siblings? spouse?)

I promise you, her immediate family won't have given a microsecond of thought to the fact that the funeral is also your birthday. Especially, as you say, you weren't especially close.

UNLESS, MAYBE if you're birthday is a "big one", a family member's funeral trumps your birthday.

That being said, you are clearly feeling a bit bogged down right now, with a LOT of feelings, and perhaps aren't totally looking at this with a clear head...
If the now-deceased cousin was calling people to say goodbye, on her literal last day, a cousin she wasn't close to, wasn't top of the list of the last loving voices she wanted to hear... Plus, she may have thought, "Oh, I spoke to OP the other day, I don't need to talk to her again." Like you say, you weren't close.
PLUS, give the woman a little love and grace. She was actively DYING. No-one, surely, expects flawless manners from a dying person? She is totally, 100% allowed to call who she wants. And if it wasn't you... I really think you can grant her this final kindness, and let her go in peace and with your best wishes.

As for the funeral... Only you can decide. Go if you want. Don't go if you don't want. But don't not go in order to belatedly "punish" the cousin for not calling you. That would be unkind.

@memberofthewedding “a vulgar show”?? None of the funerals I’ve attended have ever been vulgar. What an unpleasant thing to say.

@IronTeeth it was the OP who called herself a piece of shit in her OP. The pp was simply asking her why she thought that.

I’d go to a family funeral. Chances to meet extended family lessen through the years. As you said, it’s about the wider family and not just about your cousin.

It’s not about your cousin. She’s dead. It’s about your family etc, the people it may effect by you not being there. How long are funerals? Go, if you think your family would be upset if you don’t. It’s not worth adding to their misery and grief.

Funerals are not for the dead person; they are really for the bereaved . Your cousins funeral will be very important to her parents and siblings. They will be comforted by a large turnout of friends and family members. One of her parents is your parent's sibling. I'd go to back up the grieving uncle./aunt and support, or represent, your own parents. You'll have many more birthdays; your cousin won't.

       As for her not phoning you on her last night to say goodbye; can you imagine how stressful and painful it was for her to make those calls and hold that conversation over and over ? She was dying, weak,  distressed;  no wonder she didn't get to the end of the list.

A funeral is merely a vulgar show for the world.

What?

Maybe she didn't phone you because she felt you had said goodbye properly? It could be that she didn't feel that with the rest of the family, but that she didn't think there were any "loose ends" or misunderstandings to deal with between the two of you.

Of course if you don't want to go then you don't have to. I think it's better to stay away than to attend with ill feeling or resentment. I didn't attend my nephew's funeral (for complicated and entirely reasonable reasons). While my father didn't speak to me for a year (bonus!), I was at peace with my decision. I still don't regret it. You've had a really rough time and this may be the one thing that you can't cope with, and which may ease your burden if you don't do it. But try not to harbour resentment about your cousin. I doubt any insult was intended, and even if it was, she is dead and you have to get through your life as best you can. Bitterness can really hold you back, especially when one thing becomes the focus of all your accumulated pain.

If you are close to her parents/siblings (and children/grandparents if there are any), I'd go for their sake. If not, your parents and siblings should understand it's too much for you right now and you can pay your respects in another way.

What a really horrible time for you, I'm sorry you've had so much loss.

3 funerals in 3 weeks is a lot for anyone. The first two you are obviously attending because you want to. Your cousin’s I feel that you should because she was family and for your family. If I didn’t feel close I’d just attend the wake for a bit. Go and see your aunt and uncle before hand if they are having visitors. Be kind to yourself it sounds like a lot to process.

You weren’t close. She never showed any particular interest in your life. It seems that felt a bit hurtful and rude but, baring that in mind, it does seem understandable that she didn’t reach for the phone and call you to say goodbye in her last hours.
Its impossible for anyone to know why your relationship with her was different to that of the rest of the family but I think you should try not to focus on the phone calls. It seems consistent with your relationship, even if that relationship felt undeservedly cool.
It’s inevitable that not all families relationships will be equally close. It doesn’t mean she thought you were a piece of shit. You sound as that you go out of your way to be pleasant to everyone but surely there are some people you like less than others but for no particular reason? She may never have had a negative thought about you in her life. Don’t distress yourself by making something big out of this. Its ok not to be close and it’s ok not to go to the funeral of someone you weren’t close to.

You go for the bereaved.

When my husband died there were people at the funeral who'd barely met him, but wanted to be there to support me..and when I saw then there I was so touched at their presence.

As an aunt, I can't imagine my nephew or niece not turning up to support me if (God forbid) one of my DDs died. It's unthinkable. And no way would my DDs not go to support us all if anything happened to one of their cousins. And we only see then three or four times a year, if that.

As for you being put out that your cousin (who you weren't close to) didn't call you on her death bed...
I have no words for that.

Could you ‘catch Covid’ a few days before. More believable.