AIBU to think men and women can be platonic friends for life, especially if they’ve known each other since childhood?

[Bellasblankexpression]

I was chatting to a friend last night - we both have a mutual male friend, I’m very good friends with him, she used to be but they had a fling and now they have a bit more distance between them.
Because of this she’s convinced men and women simply can’t be friends and remain just friends.

I have this male friend and my best friend is also male. And I can honestly say both relationships are completely platonic, and there has never been the slightest tension or anything between us.

However it got me thinking - I have known both of them since childhood and I wonder if that makes a difference? I don’t have any male friends that I met as an adult for example…

I’m happily married with a DS, so it’s not like there’s the potential for anything to ever happen either so I’m utterly confident we will always stay platonic friends.

AIBU to think you 100% can have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex?

I think In some cases like yours then yes, never been anything more than friends and real friends that you've known for life.
Mostly in adulthood you'll find either one or the other fancies the other, I've never had a male friend than just wanted friendship with me.

@seensome yes I think the amount of time must make a difference. If you grow up from little kids together you have a bit of a “family” type connection almost I think? So you never see each other in a romantic light

I just thought it was interesting because the length of time never really occurred to me before. But I can’t imagine meeting a male friend now as an adult and becoming best friends with them - not saying that’s impossible, but It seems less likely to stay platonic maybe?

I think you can have platonic relationships with the sex you are attracted to no matter your age. Otherwise it would be like saying lesbians could never have a female friend. I think if you've been friends with someone since childhood they often become more like a sibling than a potential lover IMO.

I guess some people are probably only interested in being friends with people they would like to sleep with and a lot of people seem to be only interested in being friends with people who are useful to them. A really good friendship can be a great basis for a relationship though - or completely ruin it!

As long as you don’t ever fancy each other yes I think it can work.

If there’s even the slightest attraction then it opens up the possibility of crossing the line one day.

If there’s an element of sexual chemistry then you always run the risk one or both parties will develop feelings. You don’t know if this will develop when you’re young - you may not fancy them when they’re 12 but you might when they’re 32? So I don’t think length of friendship plays such a big part - we know attraction can grow from nowhere. And of course people grow and change and look very different between childhood and fully grown.

If you can acknowledge that they are attractive but you feel absolutely no attraction or sexual chemistry - the same as you might with friends of the same sex for example - then its no different to a friendship between two lesbians or two gay men surely?

I don’t think it’s commonplace, I definitely believe it’s less usual to have purely platonic male / female friendships but I do believe it’s totally possible.

I think you can. However I've known a few cases like yours where it has slowly developed from that on at least one side into a full blown relationship.
The problem I've seen is that if it breaks up, or it's only one sided, there is far more hurt because they've lost a friend as well as a lover.

Absolutely. Two of my best friends are men. They are like brothers. There's never been anything romantic. We've know each other since we were children though which might make a difference

Yes of course you can. I've got loads of male friends who I am close with because they are lovely people. Some of us have partners, some don't, but there's never been any weirdness. Sometimes I feel like it's an age thing, some men and women don't know how to act around each other in a context that isnt romantic or sexual, whereas some generations are more used to being around each other in a platonic context.

@TallFriendlyGinger that’s interesting about it being a generational thing potentially

I agree it’s more unusual, but obviously agree it’s totally possible. Maybe I’m naive but I just point blank cannot ever imagine suddenly developing feelings for either of them, the idea both repulses me and makes me laugh

Female friend thinks it’s usually not a “true” friendship on the male side, ie they “would if they could but know it’s not an option” but I think that’s a bit of a generalisation tbh
I don’t see why it’s always assumed men just want to sleep with whichever women they come into contact with

All of my friends are very similar in personality regardless of whether they are male or female, and I feel the same about my female friends as I do my male friends - ie they are fantastic friends and I love them dearly but don’t secretly want to snog their faces off or anything 😂

Nah I think there’s usually one or the other holding a torch, but sometimes hidden incredibly well.

Nah, I couldn't. My male friends are either ex lovers or future ones.

@Majorfluff that really made me laugh

Of course they can. Two of my close friends I’ve known since we were 3 at kindergarten. They’re like brothers to me, often closer than my real brothers who I’m also close to but who are younger.

Never dated either, no romantic feelings in any direction. All happily married or coupled up, one of them has a child a similar age to mine.

Absolutely I’ve got a couple of close male friends from way back in my school days. . In my younger days I shared a house with one of them. It was never anything but platonic. My other male friend I’ve had nights out with, even a weekend away for another friends birthday. My husband has no issues with it as he knows we’re good friends.

I wonder if people find it weirder because both my male friends are single. I’m not - married with DS and very happily so. I feel like it would be more “acceptable” to others if they were married too.

But I’m the same with my friends @AnneLovesGilbert there is absolutely nothing there in that respect

I have quite a few male friends, most of whom I've known since childhood, am really close to and there has never been an inkling of anything else.

Some others have many moons ago been an object of attraction which has faded with time, two have been one night stands, but it has never come in the way of our friendship. For example one, I was friends with for about 6 years, then we slept together once in a moment of madness, both decided it was weird and now 12 years on remain good friends. My DH and his DW are aware and don't care. Our DC play together frequently, we have bbqs etc without any hint of anything beyond the friendship I have with his wife for example.

Males and females can be friends, 100%.

I am sure it is perfectly possible to be platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex, and to do so for a long time.

My male best friend and I briefly dated almost 30 years ago - but are absolutely platonic now (he's married; I'm in a long-term relationship). He's my children's godfather, and I know has my back no matter what - as I do, his. I'm friends with his ex-wife, his current wife and the girlfriends who walked between the two, too. So yes; in my experience - it is possible for men and women to be purely platonic friends.

Got loads of male friends, never thought twice about it.
I've met them in my adult life, they've all been in and out relationships, as I had, and nothing changed overtime.

I’ve got two really good friendships with men I’ve known for a long time, there’s never been anything other than friendship between us. I did a bit of matchmaking with one of them and one of my female friends - they’re married now so I’d say it can work out nicely!

I have several male friends who I grew up with, all platonic.
It depends on the people. I have stayed over at one friend's we were both in relationships and the stay over was for convenience reasons. His partner is also from our friendship group so we are all more like brother and sisters and know nothing untoward would ever happen.
It is possibly different without the childhood history.
DH also has an old female friend he goes to visit once a year. Always been platonic, they were Friends from late teens. I wouldn't consider her a friend but did know her before I met DH and she is lovely.
I completely trust DH and his friend and he trusts me.
I think in some mixed friendship groups this sort of thing is common.

One of my best friends is a man, we've been friends since we were 4. We've been through everything together. A lot of friends at school fancied him and she's got a lot of great qualities but I have never once in my life looked at him like that. I'm usually more of a 'girls girl' so don't have any other male friends really, like you OP none I have met since being an adult. Even at school people thought there was something between us but there has never been anything more than a great platonic friendship and that's from both sides. I adore his wife, she's a good friend of mine now too. He's friends with my husband too. I imagine it might be a slightly different dynamic if you meet as adults but I don't know because I've never experienced that. You can definitely have a best male friend and never cross that line, our friendship is worth much more than that and I look at him more in a brotherly way so it would be plain weird to me.

I think this is possible but it's rare. My husband has a very good female friend. I refer to her as my husbands girlfriend.

He actually only made friends with her within the last 3 or 4 years. We rent out our granny flat and she lived in it for a couple of years.

I know what you're all thinking but she had a boyfriend, who is now her husband and I trust her and my husband. It is a purely plutonic friendship based on shared childhood experiences. I also like her a lot although wouldn't be anywhere near as close to her as DH is.

I have spoken at length to DH about it and he agrees it is a bit strange. I can't imagine me having a friendship like that with a man but it works for them and they're both grateful to me and her husband for not getting all jealous about it.

She went back to live in her home country and we've both been to visit her and her family there

I have 2 extremely good male platonic friends. I used to have way more but many fell by the wayside when they got married - many wives seem not to like their husbands having female friends.

And have made comparatively fewer male friends in later life, but am also making fewer friends overall and getting “emotionally close” to a man these days is fraught with danger. So it’s possible but I don’t try really as you don’t know if there is attraction on their part to begin with and stakes are high when you’re married/coupled up.

But in theory - yes of COURSE you can have platonic male friends. So many men I’m not attracted to even though they may be perfectly objectively attractive.

I have male friends I've met as adults though not any 'best friends for ever and ever' types but that's not because they're men. Most of my husband's closest friends are women, some of them he's been friends with for 25 years others he met at university or work. All of them are my friends too now.
Obviously anyone can be friends with anyone they like without there being sexual tension/feelings/whatever, otherwise those of us who are bi/pan wouldn't be able to have any friends.

YANBU - but ‘friend’ is very vague.
If you said ‘best friend’ I’d say YABU but only because I’d consider a best friend someone whom I could share lots of heavy personal feelings with, even ones about my DP. I’d never say anything bad about him to another man.