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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think men and women can be platonic friends for life, especially if they’ve known each other since childhood?

96 replies

Bellasblankexpression · 22/06/2021 09:31

I was chatting to a friend last night - we both have a mutual male friend, I’m very good friends with him, she used to be but they had a fling and now they have a bit more distance between them.
Because of this she’s convinced men and women simply can’t be friends and remain just friends.

I have this male friend and my best friend is also male. And I can honestly say both relationships are completely platonic, and there has never been the slightest tension or anything between us.

However it got me thinking - I have known both of them since childhood and I wonder if that makes a difference? I don’t have any male friends that I met as an adult for example…

I’m happily married with a DS, so it’s not like there’s the potential for anything to ever happen either so I’m utterly confident we will always stay platonic friends.

AIBU to think you 100% can have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 22/06/2021 18:54

I would say I have one friend and one best friend. Both male.
I talk to my male best friend as I talk to my female best friend, it doesn’t occur to me to censor what I say because he’s male

OP posts:
RedBonnet · 22/06/2021 19:09

My personal belief is that one of the friends always fancies the other. They may deny it and keep it secret but it will be there. Same goes for lesbian/gay friendships. I've never seen it not be true with people I know. Doesn't mean I am right or wrong, just what I believe based on what I've experienced.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/06/2021 19:25

I think it absolutely is possible, yes.

I think there are certainly a lot of officially platonic friendships where one party fancies the other or wants more. This does colour a lot of opposite sex friendships.

But it is possible to get past this as well. I think often with people you've previously had some romantic involvement or interest in, it works it out and after the desire has gone it is sort of neutralised.

I've had friendships with blokes in the past where its sort of uncertain and one party or the other has designs, it briefly blows up into something sexual and doesn't work and then after a period of distance the friendship is eventually reinstated. It's almost a relief to have got the sex bit out of the way, then you can both move on with the friendship.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 22/06/2021 19:59

@RedBonnet I know that absolutely does happen but I’ve known both of my friends for 25 and 17 years so I kind of think if one of them was secretly carrying a torch something would have come out by now! I’m a firm believer that this doesn’t have to be the case in male female friendships

OP posts:
DariaMorgendorffer · 22/06/2021 20:13

Absolutely possible, I have a few male friends that I've met as an adult, through work, and there's never been any suggestion of anything more.

museumum · 22/06/2021 20:25

Reading threads like these makes me feel almost asexual. I have absolutely no sexual interest in 99% of the men I meet and they really don’t seem to fancy me either. I’m happy to have men as friends.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 22/06/2021 21:25

Interesting @DariaMorgendorffer I don’t think I know anyone with this kind of friendship that was new as an adult but of course there must be plenty of them

OP posts:
3scape · 22/06/2021 21:32

I'm bisexual. I have platonic friends of both sexes.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 22/06/2021 21:33

@3scape see this makes perfect sense, why shouldn’t you? But people make such a hooha about it when it’s a heterosexual male female friendship
Not everyone, but it does get a few raised eyebrows even when it’s been donkeys years

OP posts:
Bathsandnaps · 22/06/2021 21:40

I have 2 good male friends that I met as an adult. There's never been any hint of anything more. I don't think that's unusual?

Figgygal · 22/06/2021 21:43

Oh god no
I’ve always had male friends
The idea of anything romantic with them turns my stomach ew ew ew

SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2021 21:46

@RedBonnet

My personal belief is that one of the friends always fancies the other. They may deny it and keep it secret but it will be there. Same goes for lesbian/gay friendships. I've never seen it not be true with people I know. Doesn't mean I am right or wrong, just what I believe based on what I've experienced.
So does that mean if you're bi then within every single friendship one of you fancies the other?
FilthyforFirth · 22/06/2021 21:47

Most of my mates are males but my two closest, one I met at secondary, so 11, the other I met at work around 24ish. I love both dearly, have shared beds with both when visiting, nights out etc. Before and after being married.

Not a hint of attraction either side. I always find it odd when people say males and females cannot be platonic. I have honestly never fancied either and never will, not my type, and I know for certain I'm not theirs. We are just very close friends.

Totally possible!

Mumberjack · 22/06/2021 21:47

Yes I have a close male friend (well he’s not geographically close just now but we could easily chat for ages as if we’d only seen each other the week before) but we’ve been friends since we were 3, and grew up together. Our parents were also friends and we had shared hobbies, so he’s more like a cousin who just happens to be unrelated.

I was also platonic friends with a guy through high school. Turns out the right amount of alcohol can change things slightly Wink we’ve now been married 15 years.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 22/06/2021 21:49

Yes I’ve shared a bed with my best friend. No different to sharing a bed with my female best friend apart from the fact he is a nightmare snorer Grin so it doesn’t happen very often!

OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 22/06/2021 21:49

I am close friends with some of my brothers friends and theres definitely no attraction - it's like a sibling relationship. Also have male workmates who I would happily hang out with and enjoy their company but theres no attraction- they are mostly older than me though and theres a generational thing plus professional respect.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 22/06/2021 21:50

@Mumberjack aww. How long were you friends before that happened? I tend to think of something like that is going to happen it will be kind of early on but I guess it doesn’t always!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2021 21:56

I had male friends I met as an adult, when we were both single and nothing ever happened so Def platonic. We don't live near each other so see each other half a dozen weekends a year when we're away with a shared interest and a couple of days a year where we meet up and spend the day together whilst DH has the kids. We message each other but usually about inane stuff not deeply personal stuff although we both know the other would be there if needed. Does that make a difference perhaps? If we were meeting regularly, discussing the problems in our relationship, meeting an unmet need etc would it be less safe?

DanielODonkey · 22/06/2021 22:03

Three of my oldest and closest friends are male, made friends with them when we were... 13? Been friends with no flirtation since.

I've also ended up making good male friends each place I've worked. No attraction or flirtation there.

So it's totally possible to have old and new platonic male friendships.

purplebagladylovesgin · 22/06/2021 22:03

Yes absolutely you can. I knew my friend a decade before I introduced him to my sister. We get on well, always have, he's always felt like a brother from the first moment we met as teenagers. Now it's 35 years later and we are still good friends and he's my BIL.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/06/2021 22:03

I've got good make friends that I've met in adulthood. It tends to be people I've spent a lot of time with such as uni or work related. It helps that they arent my type and I'm not theirs (physically and personality) but we get on well as friends and I'm confident there would never be anything else to it

Overrunwithlego · 22/06/2021 22:04

It’s a very heteronormative view of the world isn’t it. My best (female) friends is gay. Does that mean we can’t really be ‘just’ friends, because she must harbour romantic feelings for me?? I don’t think so, and I don’t therefore see why you’d say the same about male / female friendships. .

poppinpink · 22/06/2021 22:06

Yes I think you can. I've got a really good male friend from childhood and we have never looked at each other in any way apart from as friends. We were at each other's weddings and hang about with the spouses and kids too!

StCharlotte · 22/06/2021 22:15

@elenacampana

I’ve got two really good friendships with men I’ve known for a long time, there’s never been anything other than friendship between us. I did a bit of matchmaking with one of them and one of my female friends - they’re married now so I’d say it can work out nicely!
I'm the other way round. My close male friend introduced me to my DH Smile
Velvian · 22/06/2021 22:33

For those of you with friends of the opposite sex, did you grow up with siblings of the opposite sex? I really struggle to relate to men as friends, I'm totally rubbish at it. DH is the same with women. I have sisters and he has brothers, so I wondered if that is it.

I have a male former work colleague that I get on really well with and another male friend of the family, both of which I enjoy spending time with and have shared interests. I just can't take the friendship plunge though, like I do with women I know.

I'm just too awkward around men, I feel observed all the time.

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