Am I or is my mother? Childcare and working

[popcornfrenzy]

During a conversation with my mother the subject of the summer holidays came up. She had a go at me regards my arrangements, they are as follows:

Their dad is having them for the first 3 weeks then they are at a holiday club for the remaining 3 weeks. During this 3 weeks I'm off work for 2 of those and as I'm very new to my job they were the only 2 weeks in summer I could have. Her opinion is that during the 3 weeks they are with me then I should have insisted at my job that I have 2 weeks off so I could do stuff and spend time with my children. I work til 2pm 5 days a week and have Sundays and one day off in the week so I will be spending time with them.

AIBU? I'm really starting to question my parenting - DC are 11 and 6

Did it not occur to you that swapping isn't a unilateral decision the OP can just make herself?

Urgh, ignore my previous comment, it was quoting a PP but it won't show the quote!

If your work can only give you those two weeks, and there’s no possibility of swapping with your ex, then that’s that! Your mums opinions are totally pointless. Nothing can be done. You should state this firmly to your mum. No point discussing something that can’t be changed.

No point you feeling guilty either. I’m sure they’ll have a lovely summer with their dad and in holiday clubs. There will be plenty of other summers you can spend with them.

I don’t think “insisting” on having a particular 3 weeks in the summer holiday when it’s already June and people booked it months ago would go down well at any employer, especially when you’re new! Your mums very out of touch if she really thinks that’s reasonable.

Leaving a six year old home alone would be unreasonable. Putting them both in holiday club is completely reasonable. Hopefully the kids will enjoy it and you can manage some trips on weekends

Op being a parent means guilt _ get over it! the holiday you have off unwind mixed with catching upon house work so when your dc comeback you can have guilt free off work time when you finish work - start planning what you might like to do or they might like to do in those "gaps" & forget what you dm (undermining) says
Its quality of time you spend not quantity - your dc are looking forward to this activity - great stuff & good planning - next year is different - great - with no covid (cross fingers) you can plan a good holiday somewhere!

Her opinion is that during the 3 weeks they are with me then I should have insisted at my job that I have 2 weeks off

I don't know your mother but I'm guessing she just doesn't have a clue about how things like holidays work, especially in a new role.

I'd nod and smile and really not bother arguing with her. Easier said than done, I know but totally the right approach

Release yourself from ‘mum guilt’. Truly. There is nothing - nothing - wrong with having two weeks off work to yourself. Especially as a single parent. The kids spend time with their Dad - excellent. Then they get to do a holiday club - which you say they will enjoy - excellent. I really don’t see the issue. Do not look to others to bless your parenting decisions...who gives a shit what they think. Only you know what is best for you and your family.

Enjoy a break.

There doesn't appear to be anything you can do to change anything, and if your DC are happy to go to holiday club and you still get to have sometime with them too, it doesn't seem to be a huge problem and your DM should not be having a go at you. What does she expect you to do?

It might be worth seeing if you can use the leave to take the October half term off or perhaps extra time at Christmas

If there was an option about it, I would book a couple of days off without the dcs over the summer for a break and a bit of "me time", then book October half term and then save a few days for time off in the run up to Christmas.

Just having the luxury of a day off when they are at school in December to do shopping/wrapping/dropping gifts at family members etc so the weekends and evenings aren't quite so crazy would be lovely.

But if you in a "use it or lose it" situation and have to take the time before September or not at all, your exp won't swap and you can't get the end of the summer off, theres little you can do. You can't make your employer give you the days you want if other colleagues have already booked them.

This is not a "who's" right, its a "what's right" Will the kids be safe and happy and is this the best arrangement that you can make for them?

Well she doesn't sound helpful. Best ignored.
You KNOW what the constraints are this school holiday. Some people ( your mother in this case) seem to lack the imagination to put themselves in others' shoes. Not your issue.

I find it very odd that you'd have two weeks off and not spend any of that time with the kids.

I mean I totally get that you'd want a couple or even a few days to yourself to see friends / go away or see a partner etc but two weeks is excessive.

Also why bother taking two weeks off when you don't have childcare commitments anyway? People in my office are desperate for time off over summer because they genuinely have no options for childcare, does someone else not need atleast some of it? If I found out someone was in your position whilst I missed time with my kid or struggled with childcare I'd think they were very selfish.

I'm shocked about how many people on here managed to make children with another adult and yet they can not get their shit together enough to be amicable and reasonable about daily mundane arrangements like childcare.

@dopeyduck have you read all of my posts?

Well if you don’t have any choice then you don’t have any choice 🤷‍♀️

Only you know whether you could actually have done something different if you’d pushed a bit harder with work or exh, or not

If not then I can’t see what else your mum thinks you should be doing?

I think YABU, not something I'd do but I'm far from a perfect mum so whatever suits you.

I agree you should spend one week of your holiday doing something with your children. But all the same it's nobodys business but yours.

Don't understand why your mum thinks it's any of her business! She's had her turn at being the mum and making the decisions, now it's your turn and she needs to back right off.

It's one school holiday. You finish work at 2pm. I couldn't get worked up about this.

Not sure I'd class judging and shaming one's child as good parenting, so if anyone here should feel guilty it is your mother.

Take the time while they are at their dads and have a break! Parenting is hard enough without other peoples negativity. And ignore your mother. Whatever her deal is, it is not really about you, just about her need for you to be wrong. I have been in jobs before where they are really tight about when you can take leave and you just have to work around it. Hope you can enjoy it.

I would tell your DM it’s 2021, not 1951 so employees cannot order their employer’s schedules.

I think you might have had different responses if your op had been clearer. Lots of the replies are based on misunderstanding the situation.

@MerryDecembermas

Don't understand why your mum thinks it's any of her business! She's had her turn at being the mum and making the decisions, now it's your turn and she needs to back right off.

Perfect answer! We can all only do our best and you are doing just that. No need for any guilt!

You can only play the cards you're dealt.

If I were you OP I'd brainstorm a few ideas of what DC would like to do over the hols with them, and try and shoehorn a few of them into weekends and the occasional evening. It doesn't need to be a big thing, but make a conscious choice to do "holiday stuff" with them even if it's just a little bit. Ice cream, film night, swimming etc.

OP I can appreciate the dilemma. My partner works in an industry where there’s certain times of the year it’s busy and nobody can take leave unless it’s for unavoidable or compassionate things (funerals, caring etc). They don’t get to carry leave over either, it’s use it or lose it. So for this year it sounds less than ideal but it is what it is and your mam piling on the guilt just isn’t helpful.

If your employers won't let you have time off at the time that suits you best, there really is nothing you can do about it and insisting till you are blue in the face would make no difference. If your mother doesn't understand that, then her opinion is worthless.