Mistakingly confusing sex of a child

[Husbandno3]

Met a work colleague in the park the other day. I did not know she had a child as we arnt that close and mostly discuss work related matters.
The child was about 4 and was dressed in shorts and t shirt. They had long messy hair. I said ‘…and whose this little chap then?’ at the kid who got a bit upset and went to hide behind mum. Turns out, I her name is Charlotte. Obviously immediately apologised, massively embarrassed and mum appeared fine.
But did make me think whether that is something one might take offence to?
Would any of you be offended if someone you didn’t know confused your child’s sex?
People who don’t know the child already, must confuse babies all the time, but at what age do you think you would start to be a bit irked if someone didn’t recognise your child as the sex they are?

Normal people don’t give a shit.

It was hugely amusing when a woman in a restaurant asked me about my twins - who she’d assumed were boy and girl and cousins. They’re identical boys! she was mortified, I wasn’t at all - it’s impossible to tell the sex of small children unless they’re naked. We only have external identifiers to go by, and stereotypical hair or clothing might be wrong.

I wouldn’t be offended but why use that language in the first place, why not just say and “who’s this/what’s your name?”
My boss the other day in a meeting with all men except me did annoy me slightly though, “morning chaps and chapette, er, Patty” Just say “morning everyone”!

When I started a new job in a school, I went home after meeting my class for the first time and told my children that I had two children called Kimberley in my class and they were both boys.

Both played football in the playground, both wore one earring, both had same hairstyle - shaved with longer gelled-up fringe bleached blonde, both with huge freckles, both wore black trainers.

I was astounded when one of them followed the girls into the changing room to get changed for P. E.

I said 'I think you're in the wrong changing room Kimberley' she said 'No Miss, I'm a girl.'

She even had a 'boy' voice.

I was so embarrassed. I apologised profusely, to be told ' It's ok Miss - happens all the time.'

All the other teachers had thought the same when they first started at the school.

This is why you say: “what’s your little one’s name”, “how old is your toddler?” and similar.

It’s not nice to be called the opposite sex.

@shouldistop

I'm wondering why you assumed a child with long hair was a boy though? I know boys can have long hair but it's a strange assumption to make, usually it would be the opposite mistake. My 4yo ds would be upset if someone thought he was a girl.

Because it’s impossible to tell the sex of small children unless they’re naked. We only have external identifiers to go by, and stereotypical hair or clothing might be wrong.

If you or your child is bothered then get him a badge or something.

I think it’s stranger that you think an assumption based on external appearance is strange? It doesn’t matter one iota.

Happens to my 3 year old all the time

Cos she wears trousers and has short hair. I'm not too bothered.

OMG!

You just perpetrated actual literal violence against an innocent defenseless child.

This child will probably be scarred for life, imagine the trauma of already finding your true gender identity by 4, the struggles they will have gone through and you blunder along and dont botther to request their pronouns and just gender them as you see fit and their whole world crumples as they realise that the gender identity they have carefully cultivated and presented to the world is lacking so badly that one ignorant bigot has undermined everything so publicaly. They will never be able to return to that park without being aware of the whispers that they might not be a real girl

You are very lucky that the parent (have you checked the parent's pronouns, or did you just blindly assume their gender as well?!) didnt report you for hate crime. Although how a parent could just sit idlily by and calmly watch their child being casually misgendered in public without reporting it to the authorities is just beyond me.

I do think you are probably on a shoogly peg with your employment tho, while the parent may not have wanted the police involved in such a sensitive matter, I am positive that they will raise your behaviour with HR, to ensure that you do not commit a similar hate crime in your workplace, creating a hostile environment.

It might have been a child this time, but one day, you will misgender a stunning and brave person who will take the necessary steps to keep society safe from you. I recommend you immediately book yourself in for a block of gender identity awareness training with mermaids.

My son is 9 always had long blonde hair . He’s been mistaken over the years for a girl quite a number of times . It doesn’t bother me but it does my son though he still loves his long hair . One elderly lady even said when I corrected her to a shop assistant ‘she says it’s a he’ was so rude but I ignored and carried on as didn’t want to create a scene with my son there.

It’s not nice to be called the opposite sex

Well sure, when you’re past puberty. But pre-puberty it’s impossible to tell!

He has hair past his shoulders

I've made this mistake before, a baby boy wearing a sky blue outfit, but looked lilac in the sunlight. I was so embarrassed i said what a beautiful bonnie girl, the lady wasn't impressed but hay ho it happens every one makes mistakes. I'm sure the mother will get over it

@starsparkle08

My son is 9 always had long blonde hair . He’s been mistaken over the years for a girl quite a number of times . It doesn’t bother me but it does my son though he still loves his long hair . One elderly lady even said when I corrected her to a shop assistant ‘she says it’s a he’ was so rude but I ignored and carried on as didn’t want to create a scene with my son there.

Why would you even contemplate "creating a scene"?! Woman assumes a 9 year old with long blonde hair is a girl... 🤷🏻‍♀️ He'd better get used to it, I'm afraid; that probably won't be the last time it happens.

With hindsight "hi, what's your name?" would cover it. Whether the mum minded or not, it would have spared the little girl's feelings.

The sort of parents who would be offended if anyone misgendered their child are usually very helpful in making sure it doesn't happen, to the point of wrapping infant girls' bald heads in massive bow-laden turbans or headbands. It is quite hard to sex a child under about 10 or 11 except by societal gender clues like haircut, clothing etc. And honestly, who cares? That's one of the freedoms of childhood and infancy.

Let's tie a millstone round the neck of anyone who pruriently demands that a 5 year old answers questions about whether they 'feel' like a girl or a boy. How is a child supposed to know? Or an adult for that matter.

I'm the post-menopausal mother of adult children and I only know how it feels to be me, not how it feels to be a woman, or even whether I do. Perhaps feeling like a woman was waddling about in late pregnancy with a baby's head bouncing on my bladder? You can keep it!

No. When my son was 18 months old he got a free baby hot chocolate because he was 'the cutest little girl' the cashier had ever seen.

I just smiled and thanked her and DS loved his treat

I’m sure the kid will soon forget about it. You’re just someone her mum works with. Once puberty has hit, there will be very, very few people who others can’t tell the sex of. Even people who wish to present as the opposite sex, you can tell their sex usually.

I wouldn't be offended. My DS is 2 and a proper pretty boy. He had long-ish hair for a bit this year and loads of people told me a had a beautiful daughter, even when he was all decked out in blue shark print outfits.

No one's fault OP, apart from the idiots who get rich gendering kids' clothing. You just responded maybe a bit too quickly to 'signifiers' like shorts. Let's face it, if you saw a little boy in a pink t shirt from behind or from a distance. you would think 'girl' first - it's so deeply encoded in us.

@GreyhoundG1rl he has autism and learning difficulties which is partly why he likes his hair long as it’s a sensory thing . Your reply is pretty rude .

When dd1 was a small baby I often dressed her in navy or scarlet babygros - everyone assumed she was a boy, but it didn’t bother me.

Years ago a neighbour’s child of 5 or 6, with extremely short hair, not far off a crew cut TBH - introduced herself by saying, ‘My name’s Robyn and I’m not a boy!’

I felt sorry for that little girl - the name and the very short hair made me think her mother had badly wanted a boy, and was still making her disappointment felt.

This reminds me of my colleague telling me she said to someone else at work- ‘Charlie (not the real name) is a lovely girl isn’t she?’
Colleague 2: Charlie? The boy?
Colleague: No! Charlie! The girl, with the long hair and pretty face.
Colleague 2: He’s definitely a boy.
Colleague 1: You must mean someone else, I’m talking about Charlie, the girl who sits next to Doris
Colleague 2: Yeeessss, and HE is definitely a boy.

Charlie’s had his haircut now he’s older but he’s still just as pretty!

My ds and dd both get assumed to be the opposite sex, despite looking and dressing very similarly. It surprises me because it very inconsistent. Why would the same clothes and hairstyle that make people think ds is a girl also make people think dd is a boy? Anyway, it doesn't offend me in the slightest and they don't seem bothered either, but then they're only 2 and 4. I got it wrong about someone's baby once and they were very offended. Now I just say "little one" or something neutral like that when referring to a child I don't know.

My son had (very) long hair as a child. He was often mistaken for a girl and at times used to get quite upset. In the wider scheme of things though, no real issue, and probably best to not assume. Not worth worrying over though.

My daughter is 4. She loves dinosaurs and dressing up so she might be wearing a dinosaur t shirt and shorts one day and a dress the next.
I wouldn’t be bothered if someone called her a “chap” 😊