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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I expect my partner's grown up children to help in the kitchen?

76 replies

Rubytoos · 21/06/2021 13:31

Background: Me and my partner are both in our 50s and have been together just a year. I don't have any children, he has 3 in their 20s. One daughter lives away, the son used to split his time between his mum's and his dad's house, but now spends most of the time at his mum's because his girlfriend moved in there with him, and the youngest daughter lives with him when not at uni. I moved in with him at his house last summer. I have my own house, and while he has made me v welcome at his house, it's obviously not my house, and I don't feel able to set any kind of agenda when it involves his kids (not that I particularly want to). He loves having his kids there, it happens less often now as they make their own way in the world.
At Christmas 2 of them + girlfriend were here most of the time. Things got a bit fraught. The son (25) spent 95% of the time watching tv, and his Dad ran around making meals and clearing up. I also spent a reasonable amount of time clearing up etc, mainly because I didn't want my partner to do all this on his own, but because I don't expect anyone to do this for me. After they'd gone back to work/uni we discussed what had happened as my partner said I had switched off during that week, and initially I was reluctant to find blame with his kids, but eventually said I'd found it difficult to watch him skivvy around, and had also felt annoyed that I was constantly clearing up for them. I didn't consciously switch off, but in hindsight I probably did.
Yesterday, Father's Day, the son turned up at midday, the younger daughter on the Sat eve, and had a hangover most of the Sunday. My partner does a BBQ, and I do all the prep like salad, buns, crockery etc. Everyone eats, presents given, nice time etc. After that, they just continue to sit around while I clear up with partner.

AIBU to think they should help out with something/anything, especially on Father's Day? My partner has gone away early this morning for a few days, which means I will have to raise it later in the week if I want to discuss it again, feels confrontational. What is my role expected to be when entertaining his kids? Should I just suck it up on the basis that these get togethers will be infrequent as time goes on?

OP posts:

supermum87 · 21/06/2021 13:37

Hmm I'm not sure if...I'm 32 and when I go to my parents I revert back to a 14 your old and they do everything for me! However when they come to mine I do everything for them. I don't expect them to help with clearing up/tidying etc.

I would find this hard too TBH. If it were me I'd just leave my partner to it. I know that doesn't help much.

Hopefully others come along with better advice

cauliflowerkorma · 21/06/2021 13:40

I think the difference is that as their dad he sees them as 'kids' and you see them
as young adults/equals who are not
Guests and should muck in?

As a divorced father he will be very worried to rock the boat incase it means they don't come as often. But he shouldn't be taken advantage of.

But i think you can start to change things in a breezy way. 30 minutes before dinner-oh DS could you just jump up and give me a hand finishing this prep please. DD could you set the table and grab everyone a drink i am running a bit behind. Post meal-DS would you help clear the table and then ill need one of you to dry for Dad whilst he washes. Ask DP to back you up/play along. You are talking 10-15 mins of input per adult child you are not asking too much.

I think if its done in a light tone and chatty whilst doing it with no big speeches about laziness and helping out etc it should be fine.
They would have nothing to complain about but might not like it. But honestly they need to grow up!

He will always want to spoil them a bit though

30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/06/2021 13:41

My adult dc visit for tea on a Tues. They take turns with the cooking and clearing up. Me and dh have a night off!
Ds brings a home made dessert..

Weirdfan · 21/06/2021 14:07

OP the best advice I can give you (and I speak from experience!) is to stop caring that your DP is being treated like a skivvy, he is choosing to allow this from his DC and you will end up the 'bad guy' to everyone involved if you try to change anything. You can't (and shouldn't try to) change your DP's behaviour but you can choose how involved you want to be, it's not your job to pick up the slack he allows his DC to leave.

I know it can be hard to watch when it's someone you love being treated that way but trying to interfere is honestly a hiding to nothing, the dynamic is already established and your DP is the only one with the power to change it. I always help at DM's or the IL's and have brought my DC up to do the same so I completely get why it upsets you but my advice would be to stay well out of it, for your own sake!

AnUnoriginalUsername · 21/06/2021 14:12

I'm not sure. If I go to my parents for dinner I don't help, but when they come here they don't help. Samenwith PILs. It's hard when it's not the kids home, they're almost guests.
Just don't clean up after them. Clean up after yourself and leave their family dynamic alone. Your partner seems happy with things as they are.

ForeverSausages · 21/06/2021 14:18

As above, also not sure. When I go to my mum's I feel like a guest and therefore don't tidy up after we've eaten etc. And when she comes to mine, she doesn't tidy up or cook or anything. I think it would be weird if she came round and started cooking haha. Same as when I host a BBQ, I do all the tidying up and wouldn't expect any of the guests to.

Taliskerskye · 21/06/2021 14:28

My mum runs around looking after me. And I let her. Ooops. I’m sure it annoys my stepdad. But he keeps out of it!
I am a fully grown adult that can do adult stuff! I just like it on the rare occasion I am there. I had to check myself recently when I got annoyed (internally) that my mum had NOT brought me a coffee in bed to wake me up

But I do help more than your DH’s do

gobbynorthernbird · 21/06/2021 14:31

I have an adult DD, she visits as a guest and I wouldn't expect her to help unless I specifically asked (although it's nice if she offers, same as any guest).

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 21/06/2021 14:34

It’s difficult if that’s the dynamic he’s brought them up with; at my mums we all help as we were expected to growing up while at my pil my DH and sil dont as they were never expected to. If you now change this then they’ll know it’s come from you and it’s worth thinking about how that will go. However this could be the dynamic for a long time to come so if you’re going to change anything I’d do it sooner rather than later and just ask them to help with clearing the table etc

Scoobysdoo · 21/06/2021 14:44

Should I just suck it up on the basis that these get togethers will be infrequent as time goes on?

Why would you expect them to be infrequent? does your partner want the visits to reduce as well?

VladmirsPoutine · 21/06/2021 14:50

I'm shocked people feel like 'guests' in their parents' home

In anycase OP, YANBU for expecting them to help but if he's running around after them you're just gonna have to suck it up unless he says something to them. That said I don't know why the visits would become infrequent as time goes by. He's always going to be their dad.

Octopuscake · 21/06/2021 14:51

But one lives there when she is home from uni - doesn't she just help automatically? It's not like 35 year olds coming home for a visit and being guests, bringing a bunch of flowers with them. They should be helping a bit.

Backthewaywecame · 21/06/2021 14:51

My parents wouldn’t let me help if I went to theirs for a barbecue and I wouldn’t let them help at mine. I agree that you shouldn’t try to change things but you don’t have to be a skivvy if you don’t want to. Be polite and keep out of it.

HideousKinky · 21/06/2021 14:51

It does seem odd that on Father's Day they were not proactive in offering to make the lunch. That's what my adult kids would do on Father's Day, Mother's Day, a birthday etc

DysmalRadius · 21/06/2021 14:59

If your partner and his kids are happy with it, then I can't see a real reason to rock the boat just because it's your preference. Every family does things differently, every parent/child combo has a different dynamic, every situation has myriad potential approaches.

You don't say what your partner's reaction was to you suggesting his kids should do more - how does he feel about it?

JohnSteinbeck · 21/06/2021 14:59

It’s a bit tricky - also factor in if it’s the childhood home, or if they are now “guests” in a new home. With the older ones - late 20s and 30, I tend to just leave the washing up a bit if it’s too much, and then one of them offers, but I do do all the cooking. With the younger teens I tend to mother them a bit more & spoil them!

Viviennemary · 21/06/2021 15:01

Visiting children when adults often revert back to childhood behaviour. Ask them to lend a hand.

DinaofCloud9 · 21/06/2021 15:02

My mum never lets me help when I go to hers.

I feel that if your partner is happy with the dynamic then I'd let it go. He's their dad. He may like to look after his "kids".

If he feels that he's being taken advantage of that's completely different.

sauvignonblancplz · 21/06/2021 15:04

You’ve only been going out for a year that’s hardly a long time to have any kind of opinion.
If their dad wants to dote on them fine. I know that’s what I’d be doing for my children.

You come across as a bit of a queen of the manor, making their Father’s Day bbq, which could be really lovely and kind but maybe from their perspective they were put out that you were there .

waterrat · 21/06/2021 15:07

Have to say in my 20s I probably let my parents run around after me and only in my 30s or once I become a parent really appreciated how much work it is. If they don't visit hugely often is it worth getting annoyed about?

I know my dad and mum both like to treat je and my siblings by looking after us when we visit. My mother in law really does everything and says she likes it that way.

jasminoide · 21/06/2021 15:09

Honestly OP it isn't your place to be annoyed on the behalf of your DP. It sounds like he likes looking after them so let him get on with it. From the responses it's quite normal that older dc don't help at their parents house. That doesn't mean that you have to step up and do it too. Make it clear if you want help, they aren't mind readers and this seems to be their norm.

Pedalpushers · 21/06/2021 15:09

I didn't think it was usual for non-resident adult kids to 'muck in', it's certainly not in my family and my stepmum would probably shout at me to get out of the kitchen and stop getting in the way. I also hate trying to cook or host with people offering help, it's annoying.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 15:12

I would expect anyone in their 20s to at least show willing in terms of helping out; bring plates and glasses to the kitchen etc. A lot of laziness going on on this thread.

Hsurbbrb · 21/06/2021 15:16

It’s his house, his children and you’ve only been with him a year. You can’t go to his house and start making demands on how he treats his children or what you think they should be doing in his house

Original poster

Rubytoos · 21/06/2021 15:24

@HideousKinky

It does seem odd that on Father's Day they were not proactive in offering to make the lunch. That's what my adult kids would do on Father's Day, Mother's Day, a birthday etc

This is what annoyed me a little, that on Father's Day they did not actively go out of their way to do even a little something for him? Even if that was just getting him a beer, or talking to him while he cooked. They were wrapped up in their own little worlds happy to be handed everything. He's so happy to have them there I don't think he clocked it necessarily, so probably best just to let them get on with it.

OP posts:

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