Should I expect my partner's grown up children to help in the kitchen?

[Rubytoos]

Background: Me and my partner are both in our 50s and have been together just a year. I don't have any children, he has 3 in their 20s. One daughter lives away, the son used to split his time between his mum's and his dad's house, but now spends most of the time at his mum's because his girlfriend moved in there with him, and the youngest daughter lives with him when not at uni. I moved in with him at his house last summer. I have my own house, and while he has made me v welcome at his house, it's obviously not my house, and I don't feel able to set any kind of agenda when it involves his kids (not that I particularly want to). He loves having his kids there, it happens less often now as they make their own way in the world.
At Christmas 2 of them + girlfriend were here most of the time. Things got a bit fraught. The son (25) spent 95% of the time watching tv, and his Dad ran around making meals and clearing up. I also spent a reasonable amount of time clearing up etc, mainly because I didn't want my partner to do all this on his own, but because I don't expect anyone to do this for me. After they'd gone back to work/uni we discussed what had happened as my partner said I had switched off during that week, and initially I was reluctant to find blame with his kids, but eventually said I'd found it difficult to watch him skivvy around, and had also felt annoyed that I was constantly clearing up for them. I didn't consciously switch off, but in hindsight I probably did.
Yesterday, Father's Day, the son turned up at midday, the younger daughter on the Sat eve, and had a hangover most of the Sunday. My partner does a BBQ, and I do all the prep like salad, buns, crockery etc. Everyone eats, presents given, nice time etc. After that, they just continue to sit around while I clear up with partner.

AIBU to think they should help out with something/anything, especially on Father's Day? My partner has gone away early this morning for a few days, which means I will have to raise it later in the week if I want to discuss it again, feels confrontational. What is my role expected to be when entertaining his kids? Should I just suck it up on the basis that these get togethers will be infrequent as time goes on?

I said the visits would become less frequent because his uni daughter has a job abroad starting soon, and his son's girlfriend has moved in with the son, meaning son has other things going on now in his life, so his old routine of visiting his Dad every weekend has already become about once a month.

I have an adult DD, she visits as a guest and I wouldn't expect her to help unless I specifically asked (although it's nice if she offers, same as any guest).

Absolutely this. Mine would probably help with laying and/or clearing the table, and quite possibly getting everyone drinks, but I wouldn't expect them to help with cooking, meal prep or washing up.

Hmm I'm not sure if...I'm 32 and when I go to my parents I revert back to a 14 your old and they do everything for me! However when they come to mine I do everything for them. I don't expect them to help with clearing up/tidying etc.
I'm the same as this.

I do offer however, and will usually help my mum plate up dinner or something but I'm usually told to go sit down. Same at PILs I'll offer to help but be told no, even if I try to bring dishes through to the kitchen she's frantically telling me to sit down again. I suppose the difference is at least I offer whereas your DPs adult children don't seem to be even offering. I'm with PPs who say it's not really your place to impose these restrictions as long as he's not expecting you to clear up after them, cook everything alone etc.

@Hsurbbrb

It’s his house, his children and you’ve only been with him a year. You can’t go to his house and start making demands on how he treats his children or what you think they should be doing in his house

Thanks, I don't think I've made any demands. I guess I just had some expectations about what grown up children should do for their father on Father's Day.

Father's Day may not be a 'thing' though… My family has never observed Father's Day and I don't think that is all that unusual.

If I go to my parents house, they always feed me, clean up after etc. Same with if I visit a friend's parent's house with said friend. It seems to be normal. If I tried to insist on helping out I'd be told to get out the kitchen and sit down!

Wow really can't believe the number of people who seem to think if you're a guest you don't help out... I help clear away, wash up etc. at my parents and would help at a minimum clearing plates etc. any time I went to a friend's house for dinner. It's just basic politeness.

Yes I would offer and happily help out but my family would say no. Similarly I don’t want any guests, friends or family, washing up in my house. I do it when they’ve left and don’t mind at all.

The only time I do appreciate help is at Christmas to make sure everyone gets fed at the same time.

Thing is OP, this is how they do it as a family. Dad seems to want to do it and the kids have got used to doing it this way.

You need to choose.

Do you really think that you coming in as the new party telling them they've been doing it wrong all these years is going to go down well?

Or you can shrug your shoulders and say well if that is the parent he is then that's how he is. Remember he's their parent and has laid down this pattern with them, not the other way round.

Your part in this is to choose whether you become the mug that follows his example or you sit back and let him get on with it. He has no right to expect you to run around and if he gets annoyed at you not doing anything then you've got your point across. Win-win.

I think its more concerning that you're pinning your hopes on them coming round less in the future.

I really don’t think you should raise this with your partner, no good will come of it. If it bothers you that much, stop helping to clear up after them. I’ve never expected family to clean up when they are at my house.

I try my very best to clear up afterwards when I have guests (unless something is going to spoil for being out of the fridge or freezer.

That way I can enjoy having the guests there whether they are relatives or not.

I also try to make dishes that are easy to serve and don't need last minute preparation or attention.

If he thinks his adult children might be slightly reluctant to visit, then being waited on hand and foot makes it a little less of a duty visit and more of an enjoyable experience.

I'm not sure. If I go to my parents for dinner I don't help, but when they come here they don't help.

This.
Whoever is the host does the majority of the work.
Although for Father’s Day it would have been nice if he was invited to one of theirs instead but me and my siblings would go to our parents house as it’s bigger and easier to get to but we’d order a takeaway or something so he didn’t have to cook.

I completely agree with Scoobysdoo post

I help at my parents' house and my adult DC and their partners all muck in when they come to mine.

Different families have different expectations!

@Weirdfan

OP the best advice I can give you (and I speak from experience!) is to stop caring that your DP is being treated like a skivvy, he is choosing to allow this from his DC and you will end up the 'bad guy' to everyone involved if you try to change anything. You can't (and shouldn't try to) change your DP's behaviour but you can choose how involved you want to be, it's not your job to pick up the slack he allows his DC to leave.

I know it can be hard to watch when it's someone you love being treated that way but trying to interfere is honestly a hiding to nothing, the dynamic is already established and your DP is the only one with the power to change it. I always help at DM's or the IL's and have brought my DC up to do the same so I completely get why it upsets you but my advice would be to stay well out of it, for your own sake!

This is extremely wise advice.

Sit back and do NOT get involved.

It is HIS house, HIS children, THEIR dynamic.

Do not ger involved.

Next time they come DO NOT MOVE.

Leave them to watch their father do everything.

Otherwise this relationship will become fraught and spoiled.

For an extended stay you will have to also leave him to it.
Perhaps stay a night or two away if it gets too much.

I would have zero interest in skivvy for 3 strapping young adults so I don't blame you.

While I think his kids' behaviour is not very admirable, I'm with PPs saying don't raise the issue again. He might feel you're criticising not just them but the way they were brought up and if he's happy then I'd leave it. I can also see it tipping into you being cast as the bad guy in his children's minds or at least them being less comfortable than you. You don't have to help - but if you do, just think of them being guests you'd do the same for.

I don't do anything at my mum's house because she doesn't want me to.

I do offer at MIL's but she says no.

I'd offer as a guest in most people's houses but IME they almost always say no.

I think it depends how often they're there and if they're treated as "guests" or "one of the family".

I do think adult children of separated fathers is tricky because it's always a bit loaded, especially with a new woman on the scene, but if it's DH who's doing the running about and he's happy it's not really your issue.

If you want some help, then did what a pp suggested and cheerily ask them to help with a specific thing here and there. Keep your tone light and the jobs manageably small to start with, and they'll probably get into different habits without anyone being aggrieved.

OP, is this a big deal in the grand scheme of things? He's obviously happy with the situation so mind your own business

I think I would follow cauliflowerkorma 's advice from the top of the thread.

I actually think it odd when people don't 'muck in' when they are family however it seems there are people who don't want you to.
I've been with dh for over 30 years, and (naturally and normally in my eyes) I spent a lot of the visits in the first years, and again, later when dc came along, trying to 'chip in' / pull my weight / offer to help whenever we go round, as would be normal in my family. They have never let me. I've watched others do the same (siblings partners) but they won't let any of us in the kitchen.
I really dislike it. I feel it sends out a message that we aren't part of the family but I realise that, for them it is what they prefer / the normal way of things.

As your partners dc aren't living there, I think I'd take on board the previous advice of you only being seen as the bad guy if you come in and try and insist upon changing the dynamic they have, in the "step mother" role. I think it would be different if they were living there. However, I would (as cauliflower suggests) just ask for a specific hand with a specific task in a breezy manner so the work is shred a bit better.

I never lift a finger when I visit my parents. Equally, they don't lift a finger when they come see me. So I don't think it's strange at all.

I can't imagine being anywhere for dinner without offering to help, it's just rude. Or at least, that's the way I was brought up.
My DM is no longer with us but I wouldn't have dreamed of just sitting there while she did all the work.

Thanks everyone, some really useful advice in here. A snippet more of added info is that the youngest 2 lived with him in the house from mid-teens after the divorce, and although now have both largely left home, I consider it was/is their home and they are not 'guests'. I think that was why my expectations were what they were. If we have guests I don't have the same expectations.

I'm going with the consensus which is to let them get on with it. I don't really remember if I was like that in my 20s, perhaps I should ask my mum!

Just ask. When you are clearing the table ask - who would like to wash up and who wants to make the tea? Be light hearted about it. The kids are oblivious to it, as he’s always cleared up after them, they may well be a bit embarrassed you had to ask.

It’s about family culture. In my house everyone gets up and starts putting things away so the burden isn’t on one person but I’m guessing the adult children haven’t been brought up like this.

How you move forward with them is interesting because I doubt anyone is about to change, add in babies etc they’ll be even less willing to help. Use this time to think, you cannot change them and their habits do you want this for your future?