Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I expect my partner's grown up children to help in the kitchen?

76 replies

Rubytoos · 21/06/2021 13:31

Background: Me and my partner are both in our 50s and have been together just a year. I don't have any children, he has 3 in their 20s. One daughter lives away, the son used to split his time between his mum's and his dad's house, but now spends most of the time at his mum's because his girlfriend moved in there with him, and the youngest daughter lives with him when not at uni. I moved in with him at his house last summer. I have my own house, and while he has made me v welcome at his house, it's obviously not my house, and I don't feel able to set any kind of agenda when it involves his kids (not that I particularly want to). He loves having his kids there, it happens less often now as they make their own way in the world.
At Christmas 2 of them + girlfriend were here most of the time. Things got a bit fraught. The son (25) spent 95% of the time watching tv, and his Dad ran around making meals and clearing up. I also spent a reasonable amount of time clearing up etc, mainly because I didn't want my partner to do all this on his own, but because I don't expect anyone to do this for me. After they'd gone back to work/uni we discussed what had happened as my partner said I had switched off during that week, and initially I was reluctant to find blame with his kids, but eventually said I'd found it difficult to watch him skivvy around, and had also felt annoyed that I was constantly clearing up for them. I didn't consciously switch off, but in hindsight I probably did.
Yesterday, Father's Day, the son turned up at midday, the younger daughter on the Sat eve, and had a hangover most of the Sunday. My partner does a BBQ, and I do all the prep like salad, buns, crockery etc. Everyone eats, presents given, nice time etc. After that, they just continue to sit around while I clear up with partner.

AIBU to think they should help out with something/anything, especially on Father's Day? My partner has gone away early this morning for a few days, which means I will have to raise it later in the week if I want to discuss it again, feels confrontational. What is my role expected to be when entertaining his kids? Should I just suck it up on the basis that these get togethers will be infrequent as time goes on?

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 21/06/2021 20:25

I would expect them to pitch in, notice what needed doing and not let their DF skivvy around after them in his own house, but clearly they are a bit of a shower where that's concerned!

But PPs are right that there is nothing you can or should do about it. Whatever you try will just trigger scorn and resentment, I fear.

When they come, you need to detach from household stuff a bit; don't be hostessing, offering drinks, etc. I'd set up the basics and let them help themselves. Likewise, if they want another round of refreshment later and there's nothing but dirty cups, they'll have to do something about it themselves, won't they? Just sort your own little mess and step over and away from theirs.

If your DP buzzes around, it's because he chooses to and you need to let him. If he doesn't like it, he has a tongue in his head and can ask them to pull their weight.

hiredandsqueak · 21/06/2021 20:26

When my adult dc visit I treat them as guests so wouldn't expect them to help although they would if I asked. I think seeing as your dp runs round after them then he sees them as guests as well. Perhaps you could ask for help and see how it goes.

Nofruitta · 21/06/2021 20:31

It’s his house, his dc, his arrangement.
The issue is your perception of him a skivvy.

Has he actually said he expects you to help?

lockdownalli · 21/06/2021 20:53

@Hsurbbrb

It’s his house, his children and you’ve only been with him a year. You can’t go to his house and start making demands on how he treats his children or what you think they should be doing in his house
Agree with this.

I wouldn't be faffing around after them either.

Nofruitta · 21/06/2021 20:55

I’d not be happy with it as a regular set up. For specials I’d not mind.

Melitza · 21/06/2021 21:02

@RealMermaid

Wow really can't believe the number of people who seem to think if you're a guest you don't help out... I help clear away, wash up etc. at my parents and would help at a minimum clearing plates etc. any time I went to a friend's house for dinner. It's just basic politeness.
Absolutely. As a family we all muck in and I always at least offer at friend's houses.
Graphista · 21/06/2021 21:42

For starters you moved in pretty quickly... together a year but you moved in last summer? So you'd been together a few months at most?

Frankly I wonder what on Earth he was thinking given at that point 2 of them were still living there?

Not really your business what he does for his dc whatever their age, it's not how I would do things but every family is different.

It is your business how much you do for them and I would address with him from that aspect

Should I just suck it up on the basis that these get togethers will be infrequent as time goes on?

Why would you expect them to be infrequent? does your partner want the visits to reduce as well?

Yes this is concerning too, are you actually expecting him to see a lot less of his own dc?

I help out if I go to my mums...with certain things, I know from being her daughter what not to do! The same is true for my dd. There are certain things I am glad of help with and others that I'd prefer she leave to me. She knows what they are having grown up with me but a new partner wouldn't necessarily know this.

Popetthetreehugger · 21/06/2021 22:00

Most parents I know , self included , enjoy doing the prep and providing a meal for their adult DC . It’s not going to end well for you if you try to impose your views on a set up everyone else is happy with . Lots of people find cooking for those you love an expression of love . You don’t appear to love these people and are belittling your partner by looking at it as skivying .

Original poster
Rubytoos · 21/06/2021 22:23

@Graphista

For starters you moved in pretty quickly... together a year but you moved in last summer? So you'd been together a few months at most?

Frankly I wonder what on Earth he was thinking given at that point 2 of them were still living there?

Not really your business what he does for his dc whatever their age, it's not how I would do things but every family is different.

It is your business how much you do for them and I would address with him from that aspect

Should I just suck it up on the basis that these get togethers will be infrequent as time goes on?

Why would you expect them to be infrequent? does your partner want the visits to reduce as well?

Yes this is concerning too, are you actually expecting him to see a lot less of his own dc?

I help out if I go to my mums...with certain things, I know from being her daughter what not to do! The same is true for my dd. There are certain things I am glad of help with and others that I'd prefer she leave to me. She knows what they are having grown up with me but a new partner wouldn't necessarily know this.

Wasn’t asking for your judgment on whether we’d been together long enough to move in with each other. We’re both mature adults.
OP posts:
Graphista · 21/06/2021 22:28

And...I'm out!

You may be adults but there were other people who needed to be considered here and it's never wise to move in so quickly in my opinion.

But...very much your choice and you'll have to live with the consequences

Freddiefox · 21/06/2021 22:42

Ma you be they don’t really know how to act now there is another adult in their home. Maybe they don’t want to step on toes.

Change your mind set and leave them too it. Sit back and let dp lead

BoredOfThisShit · 21/06/2021 22:46

When i go to Family
I do most of the ‘doing’
Cooking / cleaning up

I dont get people that let others wait on them hand and foot.
My siblings do this and it really makes me mad!

cansu · 21/06/2021 22:48

You are making a fuss about nothing. I was expecting to read that they lived with you. Occasional family guests would not normally be expected to clean up. If they were staying more than a couple of days then maybe but making a fuss on these very rare occasions is really daft. Your partner enjoys hosting his kids by the sounds of it. I think that it is obviously fine for you to choose not to help or be part of it, but personally I would want to help my partner make his kids feel welcome.

Sillawithans · 21/06/2021 23:01

When i go to my mum's I make her sit down while I tidy up. I'll also hang out her washing and take clothes in off the line. Anything that I can see needs doing I'll do, which is not much as she is Hyacinth Bouquet. If we go out to eat I'll also insist on paying. She did all of that and more for me so it's the least I can do really.

wherewildflowersgrow · 21/06/2021 23:16

I think k the one way to avoid bad feelings is simply to ask nicely for help.

redfairy · 21/06/2021 23:55

I dunno. I'm 53 and I do bugger all when I go to my mums and likewise she doesn't lift a finger at mine. I think you'll only create bad feeling if you try to address it and upset the status quo. Stop running around after them if you resent it so much. Your partner doesn't see it as an issue so don't create one.

aSofaNearYou · 22/06/2021 08:21

@Popetthetreehugger

Most parents I know , self included , enjoy doing the prep and providing a meal for their adult DC . It’s not going to end well for you if you try to impose your views on a set up everyone else is happy with . Lots of people find cooking for those you love an expression of love . You don’t appear to love these people and are belittling your partner by looking at it as skivying .
That's funny, because most parents I know hate when their adult children do nothing.
museumum · 22/06/2021 08:40

When I met dh and first went to see MIL she always did everything in the kitchen and we did nothing. You know when people don’t want “help” and just shoo you back to the living room so after the first time I stopped offering.
It was all one sided when we were that age. Now we are settled in a house with dc and enough space we host them here in return and they do nothing.

burnoutbabe · 22/06/2021 08:51

It does seem unfair that you actually have to do much more as he won't ask for help. Ie you suffer for it.

And you would seem rude if you opted out of helping but not them?

Weird dynamic!

gobackanddoitproperly · 22/06/2021 08:57

I'd be beyond embarrassed if my adult children behaved like that. Of course they should help out. Or at the very least offer.

rainbowandglitter · 22/06/2021 09:02

I can't believe so many people don't help clear up as guests. My family all muck in at whoever's house we're at. I can't imagine all guests sitting around chatting watching one person do all the work. It's beyond rude to me.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 22/06/2021 09:18

@Hsurbbrb

It’s his house, his children and you’ve only been with him a year. You can’t go to his house and start making demands on how he treats his children or what you think they should be doing in his house
Yep, I agree.

At our house, I'm much like the skivvy dad. And actually,. at the DS' house, I'm probably the lazy dad. It's just the way it works in our family.

I don't think, OP, that there's any upside to you trying to change a situation that apparently no one minds but you. But I do think that there's a lot of grief in store if you try to convince the father that he ought to mind.

Ohmygoshandfolly · 22/06/2021 09:26

I’d definitely expect them to offer to help. I’m in my twenties and I always offer to help my Mum when we visit her, she never accepts but I still offer! They sound lazy and selfish. I’d keep an eye on this behaviour tbh, your partner clearly enables it.

burnoutbabe · 22/06/2021 10:00

So at Xmas you were told you were having these guests? But not allowed to say ah great let's do a Rota of who does what.

I assume you had to no say in whether the kids came for Xmas or not? But have to cater to them regardless.

I'd be insisting on a different plan for next Xmas.

JohnSteinbeck · 22/06/2021 10:19

@Ohmygoshandfolly

I’d definitely expect them to offer to help. I’m in my twenties and I always offer to help my Mum when we visit her, she never accepts but I still offer! They sound lazy and selfish. I’d keep an eye on this behaviour tbh, your partner clearly enables it.
This!

It’s only polite to offer. When my DP’s kids come & visit us (in his house), I just leave some of the clearing up to him, or I ask him “please could you help me with x?” so the kids hear that the tasks needs doing, and hopefully, take the hint and offer.

I just left a pile the other night & said after dinner “I’m sorry about the mess but I’m too tired to clear up tonight. Let’s do it in the morning”. They all agreed & his DS did it before anyone got up.

Vote with your feet!

His DD locked down with us during first lockdown & she left a pan of food rotting on cooker. I refused to move it - nobody made me, but I occasionally pointed out DP could only use 3 rings because of it. He asked her repeatedly, she didn’t move it & eventually he got rid. It wasn’t my problem & I didn’t make it so. Am just glad I can escape to my house where such issues don’t niggle Grin

It’s really hard with grown up kids. Sometimes they need a bit of nurturing and comfort but other times, they can take the piss a bit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread