Sensitive issue re family adoption

[HollyGarland]

I’m posting this on behalf of a friend, and I’ve NCed in case I’m recognisable from my other posts. My friend was my flat mate at uni, we’ve been really close for over a decade. She doesn’t have a MN account but wanted to canvas opinions on a tricky issue. She has reviewed the post below so she knows what it says.

My friend has custody of her nephew. He’s now 4, and she has had care of him since he was a little over two. His dad was my friend’s brother. His mum and dad both very sadly died before he was two; his mum from cancer, and his dad from suicide. This was obviously utterly devastating for all involved.

My friend was named as the preferred guardian of her nephew in the will of both parents, and had a close relationship with him while both parents were still alive. She looked after him from the start after his dad’s death, with a lot of help from her mum and the boy’s maternal grandparents. Everyone has really rallied and been amazing.

Her nephew has taken to calling her mum. Prior to this she was auntie X, but of his own volition he has started to say mum instead. My friend has been correcting him gently, but this is now upsetting him and causing him distress.

My friend’s concern is that he had a mum - a lovely mum who adored him and was adored by him and by my friend. She doesn’t want to diminish the importance of his mum, or erase her role. My friend talks about her nephews parents and shows him pictures etc, but he doesn’t really remember them clearly. And she is, to all intents and purposes, his mother now.

It also upsets the boy’s maternal grandparents when he calls my friend mum. They haven’t said anything to my friend, but it once made his maternal grandmother cry, and she can see they find it hard.

She wants to know what approach she should be taking now. Should she let him call her mum, since it seems to be what comes naturally to him and correcting him is upsetting? Can this coexist with trying to keep alive the memory of his parents? She’s worried it’s disrespectful to the memory of his mother, and to the maternal grandparents.

She also wants to know if anyone knows of any books that might help address this situation.

I’m rushing out but wanted to reply.

My DH was widowed when DS1 was a toddler.

After many years of us being together DS wanted to call me Mummy and I was initially uncomfortable because I didn’t want to upset his grandmother or be insensitive.

In the end we went down the road where he calls me Mum. He had a lovely Mummy who loved it. He now also has a mum.

Could something like that help? Having a mum style name but a different one

She’s been his mother figure since he was 2 so it is quite natural, especially if he sees all his friends calling their main person Mum/Mummy.

Winstons wish might be a good website to look for book ideas

My gut feeling is that he can have two mums but it's such a personal situation it's difficult to know what is best.

An ex colleague of my dh married someone with a then 4 year old whose mum had died. She is the most devoted stepmum to this little boy and I'm fairly certain he calls her mum but she also works very hard to ensure that he knows who his mum was. They celebrate important birthdays and anniversaries etc.

What a difficult situation all round.

Has your friend legally adopted nephew? Is it a special guardianship/kinship care? Does she have plans to formally adopt him?

I think if she has or does adopt him, then she is his mum. The little boy should be allowed to call her mum if he wants to, without being confused or corrected. He’s been with her since he was 2, eventually she will be the only mum he remembers.

It’s a very hard situation for all the adults involved. However the child’s feelings should come first, not the feelings of any of the adults involved.

It sounds like your friend is doing a wonderful job and her nephew is lucky to have her. I can’t offer specific advice but would it be an option for her nephew to call her a variant on Mum/Mummy, like Mummy First Name? It sounds like she is really trying to keep her SIL’s and brother’s memory alive and that might be a way of balancing how everyone feels about it.

Ultimately, I think she should take her lead from her nephew (as should other adults, regardless of their personal feelings).

She’s been his mother figure since he was 2 so it is quite natural, especially if he sees all his friends calling their main person Mum/Mummy.

I think this is it. Also should have said in the OP, my friend has a DS of her own (a year older than her nephew) who obviously calls her mum, so she’s sure that’s why her nephew is doing it too.

She is undergoing the process of formal adoption at the moment

How amazing of your friend to have looked after him 😊 I think the pp has it, and she knows better than me. But I think it sounds natural and if led by him can't be 'wrong' especially if he always know the truth about who his biological mother was. Of course his bio mum's parents will be upset - their daughter died. But I think what matters is the little boy and what he wants.

Does she have any support - therapist, counsellor, local authority? Perhaps she can talk it through with them.

I think the child's feelings need to take priority over the adult's feelings, hard as it is.

She is his adoptive mother. To him,
she is his Mum and has been as long as he remembers.
Insisting on being called Auntie when all his friends have a different relationship with their aunties (ie don't live with them,
aren't raised by them) isn't helping him. Insisting he does not call her Mum could be seen as a rejection of him.

Keeping talking about his biological parents and how much they loved him is good. An open discussion with the maternal grandparents would be a good idea too.
Maybe there is a way of looking at it,
that he has two mums - one who gave birth to him and was very sad to have to leave him because she loved him so much and the one who became a mum to him when she passed away and loves him very much too,
so knows he is a very loved and wanted child, would help him.

Oh, if his cousin calls her Mum as well, then of course he may want to do the same! And that is probably really important for him in terms of feeling a full and equal member of the family. I would honestly let him decide this, as long as he knows his own story. As others have said, she is his mum now, to all intents and purposes.

I have a friend in a similar situation (very similar)

My friend had her own child when her nephew came to live with them. He is now 6 & for the last 2/3 years he calls her mum ‘first name’ it does seem he dropping the first name but but I think he just wants to be like the other child in the house? & I hesitate to use the word but in a normal family?

What’s lovely is his family and extended friendship group who all adored his mum, they regularly meet up and he gets to hear stories and be part of that extended group who will be forever in his life - keeps her memory alive.

Change it to something else? Mama perhaps? Mam?

If it isn't possible to use a different variant of Mum - Mummy/Mum/Mama etc, then I agree that it should be left to the child to decide what he wants to call her. This may change through his life. The adults will have to just manage their feelings on it, and accept that their wishes, though understandable and important, come second to the child's.
In the child's shoes I would feel I would want to call her Mum (or similar word), as that's what she is to him. The woman who mothers him.

Hi adopter here,
I would talk to the social workers about it but in law she will be his mother when the adoption goes through. I think there is scope for calling birth mum "Mummy x" or "Mummy" and your friend "Mum". It will be hard for the grandparents and I don't know if they can access any support through social services etc.
I think it's natural that he will call her mum if his older sibling does.

Such a difficult situation for all concerned and I really feel for all the family.
Being a Mum is an action, and your friend is his Mum now, she is mothering him. He was so small when his mother died too, so he probably only has faint memories of his mother. While I understand how painful it must be for his grandparents to hear him call your friend Mum, they do have to accept that she is his Mum, and that him having someone who loves him and mothers him is a good thing. It is unkind to take that away from a very small boy who has had two extremely traumatic losses and wants a Mum very badly.
Your friend has lost her brother in the most traumatic way, and it sounds as though she is trying very hard to think of everyone’s feelings, she will obviously give the little boy a sense of his parents as he grows. He should be able to call her Mum, at school it will help avoid painful questions from other children.
In your friend’s place I would have a talk with the grandparents and explain that he wants this, that it will be very hard for him as he gets older to have to explain all the time why “Auntie” is the person he lives with, and that he will always have any information he wants about their daughter.
The same thing would have happened if his Dad had lived to remarry, as such a little boy he would have almost certainly called his stepmother Mum.
I do feel for the grandparents, it is tragic, but the little boy needs some normality and to be the priority here.
for all, such a tragedy, I am so sorry.

@HollyGarland

She’s been his mother figure since he was 2 so it is quite natural, especially if he sees all his friends calling their main person Mum/Mummy.

I think this is it. Also should have said in the OP, my friend has a DS of her own (a year older than her nephew) who obviously calls her mum, so she’s sure that’s why her nephew is doing it too.

That makes it even more understandable.

I have two girls and DS has since said that before he called me Mum he used to be sad hearing them do it because he wanted to.

Hopefully the child’s grandparents are as understanding as DS’s grandmother. It was actually her that took me out and said that given that it was what DS wanted it was what should happen. And that her DD would be happy that DS had someone who loved him like I did.

It’ll be hard for them, but it’s got to be about the child.

All adopted children have more than one mum or dad. Their birth family and their adoptive family. Your friend can still honour his birth mother and be his mum.

I think he should be allowed to call her Mum, refer to his late Mum as Mummy, he was so young that I doubt that he referred to her as anything else. You can keep the memory of mummy alive and talk about her.

Discuss with maternal grandparents. Just because it upsets them, doesn't mean they want to stop it happening.

I think it's unkind to not let a four year old call the woman looking after him mum. It's common to have two mums, family set us are not as nuclear as they once were!
I think remembering his parent is very important, but to emphasise his loss every time he speaks to the woman who is mothering him by making him call her "auntie" is unfair.
I'm sure his grandparent want him to be raised by a woman who loves him like a mother. Though it will still hurt, they wouldn't want a lukewarm carer for him would they?

The little boys needs and preferences should be central here.

Your friend IS his mum to all intents and purposes.

He wants to be the same as everyone else.

His grandparents will need to deal with their grief privately and not impose it on a little 4 year old.

Of course your friend can talk to him about his birth mum who also loved him very much but she is now his mum too.

I very strongly believe it is awful this little boy is being distressed unnecessarily when he has had enough transition.

He wants the very normal safety and security of calling his primary caregiver Mum.

His grandparents feelings and emotions are not the priority her and they need that pointed out gently BUT firmly.

I would suggest she speaks to the boy’s social worker. My gut feeling would be to go with whatever the boy wants and to keep up photos of his biological parents in his bedroom and to regularly talk about them.

Another one saying honour the child's wishes here.

My brother's wife died suddenly. His sons decided to call their step mother "Mum". The birth mother parents still in their lives, found it painful but totally accepted it. The whole family visits her grave, honours her memory. She is not forgotten.

I also agree with pp that this puts both the child and the new parents in control of explaining, who knows what and when. Which is quite important when disclosing potentially quite painful and traumatizing memories (yes even if all this happened before he was 2, he will have traumatic memories even if he can't access them consciously as adults do, and it will all affect him).

Lots of good advice here - thank you all so much

I would talk to the grand parents separately away from the dc and say that it upsets him if he is told to not call her mum, so because of that you want him to feel comfortable and part of a new family so you are going to let him call you what makes him happy, but you will always talk about his birth parents and have photos of them about and you miss them yourself and you appreciate how hard it must be for them but his needs come first.