Sensitive issue re family adoption

[HollyGarland]

I’m posting this on behalf of a friend, and I’ve NCed in case I’m recognisable from my other posts. My friend was my flat mate at uni, we’ve been really close for over a decade. She doesn’t have a MN account but wanted to canvas opinions on a tricky issue. She has reviewed the post below so she knows what it says.

My friend has custody of her nephew. He’s now 4, and she has had care of him since he was a little over two. His dad was my friend’s brother. His mum and dad both very sadly died before he was two; his mum from cancer, and his dad from suicide. This was obviously utterly devastating for all involved.

My friend was named as the preferred guardian of her nephew in the will of both parents, and had a close relationship with him while both parents were still alive. She looked after him from the start after his dad’s death, with a lot of help from her mum and the boy’s maternal grandparents. Everyone has really rallied and been amazing.

Her nephew has taken to calling her mum. Prior to this she was auntie X, but of his own volition he has started to say mum instead. My friend has been correcting him gently, but this is now upsetting him and causing him distress.

My friend’s concern is that he had a mum - a lovely mum who adored him and was adored by him and by my friend. She doesn’t want to diminish the importance of his mum, or erase her role. My friend talks about her nephews parents and shows him pictures etc, but he doesn’t really remember them clearly. And she is, to all intents and purposes, his mother now.

It also upsets the boy’s maternal grandparents when he calls my friend mum. They haven’t said anything to my friend, but it once made his maternal grandmother cry, and she can see they find it hard.

She wants to know what approach she should be taking now. Should she let him call her mum, since it seems to be what comes naturally to him and correcting him is upsetting? Can this coexist with trying to keep alive the memory of his parents? She’s worried it’s disrespectful to the memory of his mother, and to the maternal grandparents.

She also wants to know if anyone knows of any books that might help address this situation.

What the little boy wants should be the priority. He needs to feel
Settled and safe. If calling her mum helps with that other people sadly need to get over it

I have a friend who was the child in this situation. He called his auntie “mam”, he said that he did he naturally fall into calling her mum and kept being corrected but in the end they settled on mam.

He said that especially during his primary school years he didn’t want to have people asking where his mum was have to keep explaining to people that he lived with his auntie and why. Everyone assumed she was his mum and it made his life easier to call her a version of that.

The grandparents love that little boy . When they realise that he will benefit from having a mum and a brother rather than being an ‘extra’ of the peripherals of a family they will come around.
It’s been such a short time for them to be grieving but it’s nearly all of that little lads life . He comes first . Let him feel secure.

His want to call her mum comes first. It's all he knows and if your friend keeps saying no, he could feel rejected and a side part to this family unit.

I understand its heartbreaking for his maternal grandparents but his stability, feeling loved, knowing he is firmly in this family unit is more important.

How does the eldest son feel about it?

your friend sounds like a superhero, and should be very proud of herself.

With regard to the name, i would encourage what ever the child is comfortable with. He clearly sees her as his mum, and with your latest update regarding the other children, it is no wonder he calls her mum,.

That doesn't mean that he has to forget his parents, they can both be spoken about and remembered and of course referred to as mummy and daddy.

Out of curiosity, does your friend have a partner? is he referred to as Dad?

I think as she is now adopting him and raising him as her own with her son as his brother it makes sense for him to call her mum, if thats what he wants, it makes him more part of the same family rather than an outsider. That can still be done while talking about his mummy and daddy, having pictures of them up and making sure they aren't forgotten.

My DFs mum died when he was in his early teens, when his DF remarried he called his SM mum, as far as he is concerned he had 2 mums, who both raised him and different times. I was always aware my dad had had 2 mums, one I met and was my grandma and the other I'd never met but was still my grandma. I think whatever the nephew and auntie and son are most comfortable with is what's most important.

I think if the child wants to call her mum he should be allowed to do so. He will grow up knowing he had a different mum. He won't want to have to explain it all the time at school.

What an amazing woman your lovely friend is.

The wishes of the grandparents are completely irrelevant. The welfare and emotional well-being of the little boy is paramount and the only thing that matters. If he wants to call her mum, then he should be allowed to do that. Of course he has a mother, and always will have, albeit that she is no longer alive. Her memory can be kept alive though by him having photographs of her and being able to freely talk about her when he wants to.

Please don’t stop him calling her mum if that is what gives him comfort. I’m speaking as someone who lost their mother when I was two. My father remarried less than a year later and we were never allowed to mention my mum again. This was very damaging.

Good luck to your friend and the little boy. It sounds like he is very loved. 💐

As hard as it probably is for the grandparents, he should call her mum if he wants. I daresay they get the same pang of hurt when he runs to her for a cuddle for example, as it is a reminder of what they and he have lost, it won't just be about the name.

As long as she refers to his birth mum to as in "mummy x or mummy/mum/mama", and he knows his past history in an age appropriate way.

All adopted children have more than one mum or dad. Their birth family and their adoptive family. Your friend can still honour his birth mother and be his mum.

^This is true. I'm an adoptive mum to my two DDs (12 and 9), and they know that they also have a birth mum. (They're birth siblings.)

Obviously, the OP's friend's situation is much more complex, in that the birth parents were beloved family members, and it must be hard for the DGPs to hear another woman being called 'Mum'. But that's what she is to this little boy and his needs have to be put first in this.

I think the childs need to feel he has a Mum, trumps all. He should call her Mum because it matters to him to feel like her little boy. . All other adults have to go along with it for his sake.

She should make him a lifestory book like adopted children have, with lots of pictures of his birth parrents, their names, likes, hobbies, jobs, favourite food, funny jokes, stories about them. He is in the book as their son and his aunt is in as the beloved auntie he lives with and loves him and sometimes he calls her MUM because that;s how much they love each other. All his grandparents are in the book too, live and dead, and their relationship to BP's and child spelled out.

When he's older he will understand his life story better and might choose to renamel his auntmum by her name. But that's far in the future, and will unfold by itself.

I think the child's feelings need to take priority over the adult's feelings, hard as it is.

My thoughts too. Of course I can understand that it’s hard for the grandparents- but the little boy must be the one who comes first here. Perhaps it’s worth a conversation with his maternal grandparents to reassure them that the memory of their daughter won’t be forgotten?

If your friend formally adopts her nephew, then she will be his legal mum. Most adopted children call their adoptive parents “mum and dad.” I understand why his maternal grandparents are upset, but your friend has raised this child since he was 2. It will feel natural for him to call her mum, especially as his cousin/adoptive brother calls her mum. Would your friend benefit from having a chat with a social worker?

Perhaps one way to approach it with grandparents is that there are lots of children who have two "mummies". Sometimes one is Mummy Jane and one is Mummy Liz, or one is Mum and the other Mama, or some other variation. Could she (very gently) say that his needs come first and she definitely sees it as her being another Mum for him. Perhaps "Mummy Firstname" would be a good way to refer to their daughter?

She is mum to him. She will be legally too.
But she can ask social worker to refer to a family therapist for advice and support
They can have a session with the grandparents too.

I think the child's wishes have to be honored. Calling her Mum is going to be very personal, but as he DC also calls her this the nephew will copy (actually it would be more puzzling if he didn't call her that!) Could she gently explain to the maternal GPs that she knows she will never replace their daughter and isn't trying to but it this has happened as he's very young and her own DC who is with the nephew calls her Mum. Assure them she will tell them about his Mum that gave birth to him.

I would let him call you Mum, or whatever variant of it he chooses. And I would start referring to Mummy FirstName when talking about his birth mother, even perhaps describing her as 'real Mummy Firstname' from time to time.

And you need to talk to his maternal grandparents, to reassure them that this has come about spontaneously, how you still miss his birth mother, and that the grandparents are cherished members of the family and their daughter will never be overlooked, and that her family (they the grandparents and wider family) will always feature in DC's life. And keep reassuring them, because this is painful fir them, but with plenty of goodwill and the passage of time it will become less acute.

They may have worries that their deceased DD's child is vanishing into the bosom of her DH's family. Those can be assuaged, but only the passing of time and plenty of contact will lay them to rest.

I used the term 'real' above BTW as it would reinforce the importance of his deceased birth mother. He will know from day to day life that your friend is the one who is his mother in the day-to-day reliable sense. I know the word can be divisive, and it was not my intention to diminish what your friend is doing (something which is lovely) but because in these specific circumstances the tie to his birth mother has unusual significance.

I come from a child who was abandoned by my birth mother and then went on to call two other women mum.

Let him call you mum. It is sad for his birth grandma but this is about a small child who has lost his world and is trying to fit in, find stability and a foundation. I Think it would be cruel not to.

What is the adoption situation? You mention it in the title but not in the post.

Again, from how I was treated as a child being told to call my carer Mummy Jane and not just mummy would have made me feel really rubbish.

How does the eldest son feel about it?

He is very accepting. He was obviously very young too when nephew started living with them, so it’s mostly all he remembers. They act like brothers basically.

Consensus is definitely to let him carry on saying mum - which is what I think too. Obviously it’s a sensitive situation but that seems to be what’s natural for him and to an extent for my friend.

To the poster who asked - my friend isn’t with the father of her DS, they split before he was born. He’s a good co-parent and it’s all amicable but he’s not really involved with nephew at all.

And to those calling my friend a hero, I agree! She has said before anyone would do the same in her situation but I still think she’s amazing.

What is the adoption situation? You mention it in the title but not in the post.

Sorry, should have said - she’s in the process of formalising the adoption at the moment.

The poor wee thing just wants a mum and to be like his 'sibling'. I'm sure his parents would have wanted what's best for him. She can continue to chat about his parents.

Ultimately his needs come first- if he wants and needs to call her Mum or any variant of that, he should be supported. I can't imagine how difficult it is for his grandparents but they need to let him do what's right, and that seems to be treating his new mother figure as his mum.

He's lost someone just as they have but he is a young child who has no control over his feelings- his grandparents need to try their best to adjust to it and come to terms with it. It's not disrespectful to his biological mother- she would only want what's best for him

Social worker can advise about life story work. Children can understand the idea of two Mums - the one you live with and the one you used to live with

Upsetting for maternal grandparents, important to be sensitive about that, perhaps they would accept it better if they felt this was following professional advice, not your friend muscling in

Another adopter here.

Sad as it is, his mummy will only ever be a memory for him. Your friend is his mum now. That doesnt mean that they can never remember his very special first mummy.

I have two friends who both grew up without their parents, both were loved and cared for, one by her grandparents from the age of 5. The other was adopted by two women who she called Auntie X and Auntie Y and who she adored.

When I adopted my son, they both told me that one of the hardest things in their lives was never having someone to call mum.

He wants to call her mummy, its his feelings which count.