Sensitive issue re family adoption

[HollyGarland]

I’m posting this on behalf of a friend, and I’ve NCed in case I’m recognisable from my other posts. My friend was my flat mate at uni, we’ve been really close for over a decade. She doesn’t have a MN account but wanted to canvas opinions on a tricky issue. She has reviewed the post below so she knows what it says.

My friend has custody of her nephew. He’s now 4, and she has had care of him since he was a little over two. His dad was my friend’s brother. His mum and dad both very sadly died before he was two; his mum from cancer, and his dad from suicide. This was obviously utterly devastating for all involved.

My friend was named as the preferred guardian of her nephew in the will of both parents, and had a close relationship with him while both parents were still alive. She looked after him from the start after his dad’s death, with a lot of help from her mum and the boy’s maternal grandparents. Everyone has really rallied and been amazing.

Her nephew has taken to calling her mum. Prior to this she was auntie X, but of his own volition he has started to say mum instead. My friend has been correcting him gently, but this is now upsetting him and causing him distress.

My friend’s concern is that he had a mum - a lovely mum who adored him and was adored by him and by my friend. She doesn’t want to diminish the importance of his mum, or erase her role. My friend talks about her nephews parents and shows him pictures etc, but he doesn’t really remember them clearly. And she is, to all intents and purposes, his mother now.

It also upsets the boy’s maternal grandparents when he calls my friend mum. They haven’t said anything to my friend, but it once made his maternal grandmother cry, and she can see they find it hard.

She wants to know what approach she should be taking now. Should she let him call her mum, since it seems to be what comes naturally to him and correcting him is upsetting? Can this coexist with trying to keep alive the memory of his parents? She’s worried it’s disrespectful to the memory of his mother, and to the maternal grandparents.

She also wants to know if anyone knows of any books that might help address this situation.

What lovely caring responses to this OP. Sure the auntie is a superhero and gives little boy everything a mum would. Growing up in this family will be wonderful for the two little boys. Big bouquets to everybody.

I think the kid takes priority. If him calling her mum would upset (sorry) a woman who is dead, and a grown woman. But him being told not to call her mum upsets a little boy who's lost both his parents. I think the adults need to suck it up and prioritise what the boy wants, and what he wants is a mum. It won't diminish who his mum was and it doesn't mean she can't keep her memory alive. But he's telling her he still needs a mum.

It must be heartbreaking for the GPs.

But goodness me in all honesty they need to get over themselves.

It has to be all about their GS.

The sad truth is he probably doesn't remember his mum no matter how much she is talked about & how many photos he sees.

He's not trying to be hurtful to his Gps-he's obviously not aware of what it means to them.

He's not trying to wipe her out of his life-bless him-she has now been out of his life for longer than she was in it

All adopted children have more than one mum or dad. Their birth family and their adoptive family. Your friend can still honour his birth mother and be his mum.

100% agree. The child was two when his mother died. He will not carry the memories and grief in the same way as the other members of the family. He can have both and it's fine. His needs come first and he has the right to call her his mummy.

I am both adopted and an adopter I hundred percent agree with this
Sad as it is, his mummy will only ever be a memory for him. Your friend is his mum now. That doesnt mean that they can never remember his very special first mummy

Agree with previous posters that the child and his wishes should come first. I can see how it must be incredibly sad for the grandparents but if your friends older child is calling her mum of course the little one will too and it must be upsetting for him if he sees her as his mum and can’t call her that.

@Gullible2021

I think the child's feelings need to take priority over the adult's feelings, hard as it is.

She is his adoptive mother. To him,
she is his Mum and has been as long as he remembers.
Insisting on being called Auntie when all his friends have a different relationship with their aunties (ie don't live with them,
aren't raised by them) isn't helping him. Insisting he does not call her Mum could be seen as a rejection of him.

Keeping talking about his biological parents and how much they loved him is good. An open discussion with the maternal grandparents would be a good idea too.
Maybe there is a way of looking at it,
that he has two mums - one who gave birth to him and was very sad to have to leave him because she loved him so much and the one who became a mum to him when she passed away and loves him very much too,
so knows he is a very loved and wanted child, would help him.

This ^

It's obviously a sensitive situation but the priority here has to be her nephew and any decisions on this matter should be child led.

The fact he's getting upset when being asked to refer to her as Auntie is a bad sign.

He wants to "belong" and "needs" to belong to the family in the same way her biological children do.

I'm full of sympathy for the maternal grandparents and absolutely agree it's best to have a conversation with them about it.

It's really important you are all in the same page.

If she allows him to use "mum" and they keep correcting him then that's not good for the child.

A narrative needs to be established that everyone can get on board with. Be that slightly different names mummy/mum or speaking openly about mum x who gave birth to and loved you very much and mum y who also loves you and is lucky to be able to be your parent.

I think whatever is decided she needs to be open with the grandparents that's this is not an attempt to airbrush their daughter from his life and it's appropriate that he is brought up knowing the circumstances of how she came to adopt him.

Equally I think everyone needs to be wary of "forcing" the memory of his mother over him at every opportunity. It's grief by proxy and it's not fair to do that to a child.

I know of people who are south Asian who call their step parent mum/dad. I think she should let him call her mum. She does everything a mother does. It would be a bit odd when he is older having to refer to her as aunt all the time when everyone else talks about their mum.

I would be guided by the child, not the GPs.

I call my step-mum 'mum'. My birth mother is alive but I lived with my dad and step-mum on the other side of the world from the age of 9 and she'd been the most motherly figure in my life for a while before that. I didn't immediately call her mum, it happened naturally over time especially after we moved because everyone assumed she was my mum.

I think in your friend's situation it's perfectly normal and understandable that the little boy wants to call her mum and I wouldn't stop him. With all respect to his grandparents their feelings aren't the most important here. His adoptive mum isn't going to erase his birth parents and I'm sure she'll still talk about them all the time to him. If she continues to insist on being 'auntie X' then I think it's more likely to upset and confuse him, especially as she's going through the formal adoption process.

@Gullible2021

I think the child's feelings need to take priority over the adult's feelings, hard as it is.

She is his adoptive mother. To him,
she is his Mum and has been as long as he remembers.
Insisting on being called Auntie when all his friends have a different relationship with their aunties (ie don't live with them,
aren't raised by them) isn't helping him. Insisting he does not call her Mum could be seen as a rejection of him.

Keeping talking about his biological parents and how much they loved him is good. An open discussion with the maternal grandparents would be a good idea too.
Maybe there is a way of looking at it,
that he has two mums - one who gave birth to him and was very sad to have to leave him because she loved him so much and the one who became a mum to him when she passed away and loves him very much too,
so knows he is a very loved and wanted child, would help him.

exactly this

Her nephew has two mothers. At this point she is his mother as much as she is his aunt. He should be allowed to call her mum if he chooses. She should keep showing him pictures of his parents and telling him his origin story because that transparency will make the whole situation much less traumatic. He will always know the truth so the truth will never be shocking.

She needs to have a private conversation with grandma. Remind her that there will always be pictures around and the biological parents will never be hidden. However, she needs to emphasize the importance to this child of being able to form this strong bond. Grandma is an important figure and should be in his life, but she should never make him feel bad about loving his family.

A relative of mine was orphaned age 2 in an accident that killed her parents and sibling. She was cared for by her mums sister and calls them mum/dad and her cousins are her brothers. At end of day your friend has got to go with what’s in best interests of child and his wishes. I always thought it was best outcome for her - to outsiders no one has any idea of her story unless she chooses to share.

You can have two mums. It's not a competition.

I've been there. It's very hard. The first mum would want her child to have someone to call mummy, that would be her priority. It won't affect memories-those are unfortunately just likely to go. However there are many ways to process bereavement and cherish what you do know about the person. Winston's wish and similar can help.

Losing a parent on the cusp of long term memory formation is very strange and hard for those around the child. We have to accept they are not going to have those memories of the bond they shared. They move on. However those loving times have laid down a foundation of healthy development that is absolute gold dust. One day the child will realise this.

A memory box with momentos of the family members, showing what they are like and how much they loved the child can be helpful. Even if they can't remember, they can have a quiet time holding the various things and asking questions.

And of course grandma will find it hard. It's ok to find that hard. Feelings can be there, felt and recognised. They don't have to be acted on. If the father had lived, he would probably have introduced a step mother and this would also have been hard. There is no easy way out but to look ahead to the child's future and prioritise their needs is a good rule of thumb.

How heartbreaking 💔

I tried to think of what I'd want for my little one, and whilst it would be too upsetting to fully imagine, I would ultimately want whatever made him happy. It's so very sad for all involved but the little one is at least lucky enough to have a 'mum' in his life. That should be encouraged because he probably just wants to feel the same sense of family that he sees other children have

As others have said, the child’s feelings all come first. Referring to his mum as mummy is a good idea and frees him to call his auntie mum.

I also think it’s good for him to call her mum ans she basically is. She’s raising him

I’d urge her to talk to his grandparents though and just explain the situation gently and let them know she will always make sure he remembers his birth mother.

And I agree, what a hero she is.💐

If mum was in a same sex relationship the little boy would have two mums and no one would bat an eyelid. I know it is different but as a PP has said, children don't have to be limited to one mum.

How about if he is taught his biological mum is his tummy mummy and his aunt is his everyday mum? Probably best to discuss options with parents since its them which are being upset. Its likely he understandably wants a mum. Another option is to use a variation such as biological mum is mumming and aunt is mum or ma or a nickname which sounds similar.

Hell have had two wonderful mums in his life. There’s room in hearts for both. Let him have a living mum, wouldn’t first mum have wanted that?

I’d tell her to let him continue but remind him often he has 2 mums.

She has to remember too that the boys mum CHOSE her to be his ‘mum’ in her will. So it’s not disrespectful or weird. His mum helped make that decision she saw was best for the boy and clearly he thinks it is as he sees her as mum.

So sorry for your friend and her nephew in their loss.
What he needs must come first. It will surely help him to have a mum/mummy, be reassuring for him, make sense to him and that must matter more than the grandparents’ feelings. Your friend will need to talk to them about this and how she will her sister-in-law’s memory alive. Hopefully they will come to terms with it. Hopefully being upset about it won’t mean that they can’t accept it at all, but that it is hard to deal with.

that is probably really important for him in terms of feeling a full and equal member of the family

Yes. He was so tiny when she took over his care, that he will have no concept of why he should be different from his cousin.

I would say she should be mummy/mum, but his original mother could be 'mummy first name'

I do get how agonising it must be for the grandparents, but the little boy has to come first.

@SomeCatsLikeCheese

It sounds like your friend is doing a wonderful job and her nephew is lucky to have her. I can’t offer specific advice but would it be an option for her nephew to call her a variant on Mum/Mummy, like Mummy First Name? It sounds like she is really trying to keep her SIL’s and brother’s memory alive and that might be a way of balancing how everyone feels about it.

Ultimately, I think she should take her lead from her nephew (as should other adults, regardless of their personal feelings).

Agree! Call her mummy-name she is for after everything the only mum he’ll remember she’s in the role of mum I think for him he needs that in his life. To have a ‘mum’ and mums come in lots of shapes and sizes. So I would say let him have this. Plus she sounds like a fantastic mum indeed.