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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cut her off for this?

91 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 21/06/2021 09:13

I have a friend that I have known for close to 10 years. I would consider her my best friend (I'm sure she has other's that she would consider her best friend before me but anyway..) and we face time maybe once a week and text often to find out how the other is doing.

She invited me to a BBQ for her birthday party almost 2 weeks ago by sending out a mass invite on WhatsApp. Then she sent another mass message a few days later announcing that the BBQ had been cancelled for unspecified reasons. I replied telling her that it was fine and asked her how her day was.

Yesterday I wake up and go on Instagram to wish her a happy birthday (as did many others) and see that she has posted snippets of her birthday BBQ party and see that other's (some mutual people we follow, mostly her friend's) have also posted videos of the party and her blowing out her candles.

I feel really stupid and hurt. So I message her asking whether she still went ahead with the party and asking what happened. She responds saying she is 'sorry and forgot to tell me that it was back on'. I feel so hurt that she didn't even think to remind me which clearly meant I am not that important to her.

I was even more hurt as she had just given birth two months ago and I'd been asking to come over and visit her and meet her baby and she's had a lot of excuses saying because of Covid it isn't safe (we've both had the vaccine) and that she couldn't at the moment, but brought her baby to the party.

My AIBU I guess would be am I being unreasonable for being upset and wanting to cut her off as a friend?

OP posts:

Abhannmor · 21/06/2021 11:31

@pepsicolagirl

She's just not that into you. Sorry.

I would be really hurt by this too and although I wouldn't give the energy required to cut her off I would stop contacting her and let the friendship die away I think

Yes. I wouldn't make a big exit from the friendship. But I would defo stop engaging. Save yourself a lot of grief and hassle.

sonjadog · 21/06/2021 11:37

Mistakes happen, but her reaction shows this was not a mistake. If she had really just forgotten to invite you, she would have been on the phone when the party started or be falling over herself to make up for it now. You don't just "forget" to invite one of your closest friends to your party. The comment on facebook about your photo is because she is now feeling guilty about her own unkindness.

ChaToilLeam · 21/06/2021 11:41

I wouldn’t necessarily cut her off drastically, but I would certainly stop bothering. You might find it’s been more one sided than you think. Either way, rude and hurtful behaviour on her part.

S111n20 · 21/06/2021 11:47

I would stop contacting her and when/if she contacts you explain that you are very hurt she didn’t think of you for her birthday bbq and see how it goes from there...

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 21/06/2021 11:50

@sonjadog so I messaged her properly this time to explain how upset and hurt I was. She then said she sent out a mass message on WhatsApp explaining she had the party back on but thought she had included me. And when I didn't respond didn't think I could make it which is why she didn't call me on the day, she deeply apologised again and said she really wanted me there and it wasn't a mistake... I guess I am taking that but I won't be falling over to hang out with her but hey it is what it is...

OP posts:

sonjadog · 21/06/2021 11:55

Hmmm. She might be telling the truth or she might not... I think you are wise to take a step back and let her do the running for a bit.

billy1966 · 21/06/2021 12:01

OP,

Protect yourself by stepping far back from her.
A real friend would have checked.

You are not a priority.

Funnily enough she could well want to spend time with you going forward as you both have children but I think you know yourself that you just didn't make the cut for her party.

I certainly wouldn't engage in any further conversation about it or have any drama, just step away and focus on other relationships.

You are a convenient back up friend to her.

WhyNotNow21 · 21/06/2021 12:14

It sounds like she might not have wanted a 2 year old there at the party. Fair enough. Maybe she thought the 2 year old might have stolen the show? Is she the jealous type?

Eddielzzard · 21/06/2021 12:18

If it were me and I had accidentally left you off the list, when you didn't respond I'd check the recipient list.

I think maybe she was genuine, but I'd be guarded from now on.

Snuggz · 21/06/2021 12:18

How long ago did she send out this mass Whatsapp message re-inviting everyone and had you two been in communication since then? Because I know if I had sent my best mate a message letting them know the party was back on and they hadn’t responded, I’d be asking them if they were coming or not.

Inaseagull · 21/06/2021 12:21

That excuse sounds like bollocks to me, surely she would just use the existing party group message thread to update people and not create a new one.

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 21/06/2021 12:23

She would have messaged the original group surely to say it was back on?

Notonthestairs · 21/06/2021 12:26

I'm sorry Op but you check whether close friends have received the message because you really want them there.

You can choose to tell yourself that it was an over sight but you are fooling yourself. That sounds harsh but I've been where you are now and wish I'd protected myself better.

Step back and focus on others.

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 21/06/2021 12:28

@Inaseagull there was no group chat, she just sent out a mass message to all of her contacts when it was cancelled but I guess forgot to add me to the mass message for when it was back on? Either way I'm just a bit guarded now like others have suggested

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 21/06/2021 12:29

@iminthegarden

She didn't forget to remind you. She didn't want you there as she had to keep numbers lower and you didn't make the cut.

Exactly. She's a liar and I'm afraid I'd be telling her that.

Pinkypink · 21/06/2021 12:35

Not sure I believe her response tbh. But she has just had a baby so might be a bit flakey...
I would hang back from making contact and see what happens, then you'll know whether she wants an ongoing friendship or just uses you when she has no better options

HoneyzAiy · 21/06/2021 12:35

[quote crazymicrowave123]@sonjadog so I messaged her properly this time to explain how upset and hurt I was. She then said she sent out a mass message on WhatsApp explaining she had the party back on but thought she had included me. And when I didn't respond didn't think I could make it which is why she didn't call me on the day, she deeply apologised again and said she really wanted me there and it wasn't a mistake... I guess I am taking that but I won't be falling over to hang out with her but hey it is what it is...[/quote]
To be fair, I’ve done this myself. We had to cancel dh’s 40th a few years back after he got stuck in another country. When I resent the invites, weeks later, I forgot 2 people off the list. It a was a complete error on my part and we only realised on the day when people were asking where they were! I felt so bad. I didn’t lie about it though. I called them both as soon as I realised, apologised profusely and explained what had happened. I knew they’d see pictures on social media and didn’t want them to feel bad. We laugh about it now but, at the time, I felt terrible.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt this time and carry on the friendship. Obviously, if something like this happens again, then you can walk away, but it could genuinely be a mistake on her part. Don't automatically assume she didn’t want you there unless she’s given you reason to think that in the past.

Ozanj · 21/06/2021 12:37

She’s lying and if I were you I wouldn’t be falling for her bullshit. There is no reason to cut her off entirely but stop including her in special plans and don’t bend over backwards for her. Keep her on the periphery - someone you may catch up with for coffee every month or so.

Cam2020 · 21/06/2021 12:37

I agree you don't make the top 30. If she sent a mass cancellation, she would have sent a mass re-invitation. I think it's likely she had to reduce numbers.

She probably felt bad when she commented on your SM. It doesn't sound like she was being a bitch as such, more of a coward. I'd focus on other freindships. I'd also be tempted to not contact her and see whether she notices or checks in with you.

Ozanj · 21/06/2021 12:40

I'd also be tempted to not contact her and see whether she notices or checks in with you.

Yes I did this with a friend and so far it’s been 10 years without even a whatsapp msg. I realised then that I need to use the same method in building relationships as I do to build friendships.

OrangeRug · 21/06/2021 12:54

In your position I don't think I would completely cut her off (as in delete number, block on FB etc) but I would certainly withdraw and see if she makes any effort.

hellogem · 21/06/2021 13:26

How do you know there was a mass cancellation? And not just a mssg to you about the cancellation?
If she truly valued your friendship and saw you as a close friend, she would've chased you up on it seen as you initially accepted the invitation.
You get weird people like her, is she jealous, doesn't like you to interact with people that are just her friends, didn't want your cute child to take attention away from yours. After all toddlers are a lot more fun in comparison to new born babies

hellogem · 21/06/2021 13:27

Away from hers**

Duchess379 · 21/06/2021 13:29

I'd let this friendship go. She's definitely mean to WhatsApp you details, then cancel you. If she didn't want you there, why tell you about her party at all. She sounds like a grown up 'mean girl'.

starfishmummy · 21/06/2021 13:32

she just sent out a mass message to all of her contacts when it was cancelled but I guess forgot to add me to the mass message for when it was back on?

If that's what you want to believe...

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