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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut her off for this?

91 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 21/06/2021 09:13

I have a friend that I have known for close to 10 years. I would consider her my best friend (I'm sure she has other's that she would consider her best friend before me but anyway..) and we face time maybe once a week and text often to find out how the other is doing.

She invited me to a BBQ for her birthday party almost 2 weeks ago by sending out a mass invite on WhatsApp. Then she sent another mass message a few days later announcing that the BBQ had been cancelled for unspecified reasons. I replied telling her that it was fine and asked her how her day was.

Yesterday I wake up and go on Instagram to wish her a happy birthday (as did many others) and see that she has posted snippets of her birthday BBQ party and see that other's (some mutual people we follow, mostly her friend's) have also posted videos of the party and her blowing out her candles.

I feel really stupid and hurt. So I message her asking whether she still went ahead with the party and asking what happened. She responds saying she is 'sorry and forgot to tell me that it was back on'. I feel so hurt that she didn't even think to remind me which clearly meant I am not that important to her.

I was even more hurt as she had just given birth two months ago and I'd been asking to come over and visit her and meet her baby and she's had a lot of excuses saying because of Covid it isn't safe (we've both had the vaccine) and that she couldn't at the moment, but brought her baby to the party.

My AIBU I guess would be am I being unreasonable for being upset and wanting to cut her off as a friend?

OP posts:
iminthegarden · 21/06/2021 10:04

In saying she forgot to tell you it was back on makes it worse, how horrible. I can't stand this type of fake behaviour.

Alonelonelyloner · 21/06/2021 10:07

She has been pretty awful. To be honest, I would actually message her back, 'wow, what a non-friend way to behave. Shame' rather than just ghosting her. And then block her.

I think if you are going to behave badly, it is reasonable to expect a reply.

Confusedaboutlots · 21/06/2021 10:09

yes don’t invest time in her anymore - she isn’t worth it

also don’t take it personally - you sound lovely. who knows why she is behaving that way but it isn’t your problem anymore - you should value yourself more than you value her

NeedNewKnees · 21/06/2021 10:09

Do the other friends who attended have children? It might be as simple as being in a different life phase ay the moment. Things are odd during the first few months of a first baby, and so much more so with Covid and all the anxieties and restrictions that go with that.

I’m so sorry you are hurt and I do think it’s sad about the BBQ.

KarmaStar · 21/06/2021 10:09

Don't contact her again op.
That hurt and doubt will niggle at your self esteem.
Move onwards and away from her.You need positive friends.🌈

Lunificent · 21/06/2021 10:09

It’s as exceptionally rude and cruel to let you see the barbecue pics on social media.
Yes, definitely let go of the friendship in a non dramatic way. You deserve better.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 21/06/2021 10:13

@NeedNewKnees none of her other friends have children, I have a son who's almost 2 who she said she was initially happy for us both to come when she sent out the initial invite.

OP posts:
Flippittyflopperty · 21/06/2021 10:16

Yeah as others have said - you’ve been culled. So sorry you’re having this experience- it’s not nice. There’s ways of doing it and she’s chosen the unkind way. It’s always better to choose quality over quantity in a friendship but not everyone does. It’s always nicer to try to think of others feelings but, again, not everyone does.
In your head, relegate her to acquaintance and decide when and if she does get in touch, whether YOU want to see her. I think she’s no loss really op.

Longtimeagonow46 · 21/06/2021 10:16

Just don't contact her OP.
Focus on other people in your life.
It's hurtful but you deserve better.

Branleuse · 21/06/2021 10:17

id absolutely blank her for that

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/06/2021 10:18

@crazymicrowave123

When I say cut off I don't mean a dramatic speech or anything else I just mean stop messaging her to the point where our friendship drifts away naturally by the way.
That seems to me to be the best way of handling this. Sad
AIBU to cut her off for this?
FuckyouCovid21 · 21/06/2021 10:19

It's awful for you but you're not as close as you think you are and she's obviously invited those closer to her

MrsFlinch · 21/06/2021 10:23

Yanbu. I think she’s told you everything you need to know without actually saying anything.

We’ve had something similar with a family member, being kept at arms length, dressed up as covid restrictions with their baby. When truth is, they’ve not been following restrictions at all with everyone else, (photos all over social media!)…..just us!

We just don’t make the cut!

No point banging your head against a brick wall. As hurtful as it is would be better to back out now.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 21/06/2021 10:25

@Flippittyflopperty fair enough. It's annoying though because I posted two pictures an hour later (one of me and another of my son) and she commented on them saying how cute my son was and how pretty I looked completely oblivious to how hurt I am that she forgot to remind me about her party.

OP posts:
BlueMongoose · 21/06/2021 10:27

It could have been a genuine error on her part, and if so, it would be unfair to her to cut her off, and would hurt you for no reason too. I think I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt, put it behind me and see how things went for a while. If it happened again, I think I might decide then it wasn't an accident and walk away- as much for the lie as the actual cutting out.

Mrgrinch · 21/06/2021 10:28

Sounds like she's beat you to it. People grow apart and I always wonder why people insist on clinging to friendships that don't work anymore just because they've gone on for years.

Flippittyflopperty · 21/06/2021 10:37

@crazymicrowave123 Has she previous form for unkindness? Are you reluctant perhaps to let her go because this is unprecedented behaviour (which is perfectly understandable btw)? Often, just having history with someone prevents you cutting the cord.
She has been very unkind or very unthinking. You’re probably the only person here who can truly make the judgement of which it is. I personally would have to let her go and not contact her because I’d find it too hurtful and couldn’t get past that. I also feel that it would mess with my head if I was treated like that a second time.

Immunetypegoblin · 21/06/2021 10:37

[quote crazymicrowave123]@Flippittyflopperty fair enough. It's annoying though because I posted two pictures an hour later (one of me and another of my son) and she commented on them saying how cute my son was and how pretty I looked completely oblivious to how hurt I am that she forgot to remind me about her party.[/quote]
Sounds to me like she was trying to smarm her way back into your good graces tbh; she must realise her behaviour was poor.

I would distance myself. Sorry OP Sad

Nightbear · 21/06/2021 10:46

You're not in her top 30

This ^

RadandMad · 21/06/2021 10:48

@iminthegarden

She didn't forget to remind you. She didn't want you there as she had to keep numbers lower and you didn't make the cut.
Sadly, this.
TheNoodlesIncident · 21/06/2021 11:03

Just to sum up: she either held you in such regard that she forgot to tell you the party was back on, or she didn't bother to tell you the new date/time and didn't mind that you would see the photos on SM.

Either of those scenarios are really hurtful, there's no getting away from that. She either didn't care that you would find out and be upset, or she genuinely forgot your existence enough to let you know. Either way, she's not that invested in you, is she?

You're worth more, move on and forget her. She's not the friend she once was.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/06/2021 11:05

Did she want to be the only one with a baby there? Her big moment? If you took your very cute 2yr old, perhaps she would have felt starved of all the glory?

Nitpickpicnic · 21/06/2021 11:08

Look, if I’d forgotten to (re)invite one of my best friends, two things would most certainly happen. Firstly, I’d realise during the party. I’d call to check why they weren’t there- I’d assume I had invited them and something had gone wrong at their end. If them not arriving made me wonder if maybe I’d made a mistake, I’d be absolutely mortified and devastated. I’d ring during the party to apologise and check if maybe there was still a chance for them to come quickly over.

After the party, I’d be falling over myself to make it up to my friend- I’d feel horrible and do everything I could to show them I loved them and valued the friendship. Probably for months. Probably until they started laughing at me!

Mistakes can happen, but this woman doesn’t seem to have made one. You have, in assuming she loved you. That is a really shitty feeling, for sure. I’d drift away, and if she ever bothered to ask me about, I’d say that I’d followed her lead and had taken her hint.

Jent13c · 21/06/2021 11:14

I used to get really sad about friendships that just sort of fizzled out but now I'm busy with work and kids I really only have time for people who text me/call me/invite me to places as much as I contact them. If I message someone and ask them to meet up a couple times and it doesn't happen then just leave the ball in their court. If they want to be your friend they will put the effort in.

SwimBaby · 21/06/2021 11:15

If you think it would be a positive having her in your life but not as a close friend then stay in touch. If you think it’s a negative then just let things fade away naturally then decide if you still want her on social media. I think it’s easy to have fake friends on social media who when it comes to meeting in real life they aren’t interested.