S@“t has hit the fan. What would you do?

[Whotsithitthefan]

NC as outing. Long time poster.

I can’t sleep. DH had left. Sleeping in the car somewhere I think. DM here staying. DC being bullied at school and so is being a nightmare at home. Once he’s talked about what’s going on he’s fine but while he’s holding it all in, quite frankly, he’s a grumpy thug.

DH approach is long lectures. Reminding DC of past difficult behaviour. Criticising. Telling off. He takes it very personally when DC insults him or is rude to him. Won’t let it go.

I tend to try and listen first as there is always a context and then discuss the difficult behaviour once things are calm and I think DC can reflect.

Tonight DC was acting up. I stayed out of it as DH doesn’t like me taking over and finds it undermining if I offer a different approach. He wants me to back him up but I can’t because I feel like DC would then feel the whole world was against him/her and I don’t want to join in the critical lecture and when I do try and back DH up things just escalate anyway.

So I focused tonight on clearing up and left DH and DC to it. Meanwhile I don’t realise that DM is finding the way DH is talking to DC unbearable. She had told me earlier and I had a bit of a moan as I’m finding it hard.

I then hear really raised voices. DM shouting at DH that he is abusing DC with his criticism and domineering. She’s very upset. He’s really angry with her. DC joining in.

I stood between them and just repeated ‘time out’ over and over. DH kept going and going. When I kept saying time out DC would join in and told DH he’s a psycho. DH finally left and I managed to get DC calm and to sleep.

I’m in bed but can’t sleep as I can see it from all angles and have no clue what to do.

DC ‘full up’ emotionally and feeling particularly got at by DH. Deliberately pushes him because he knows he loses the plot and is testing him. The behaviours need addressing but also DC is a child and is overwhelmed at the moment.

DH is feeling blamed by me and unsupported by me. Feels like I get in the way of their relationship and turn DC against him because I’ll stick up for DC if I feel DH is out of order. I have been trying to stay out of it but it’s hard when it’s a child getting it in the neck. Tonight I stayed out of it apart from ‘time out’ when it was getting too heated. DH is sleeping in his car somewhere refusing to ever talk to my DM ever again. Wants us out of the house tomorrow at one point so he can change for work. Telling me I’m toxic and causing him MH issues (I can be quite critical to be fair) but I feel he’s the one whose being toxic to DC who should be the priority.

DM now in bits because she thinks she’s ‘ruined my life’.

Have today tried to be calm and have supported both DC and DM with their stuff. Feeling too cross with DH to support him much but am worried about him.

Feel like no one is supporting me. I hold the emotional stuff for them all but what about me? AIBU to wish there was someone in my life that was calm and steady to ‘hold’ things together.

How do I handle things tomorrow? I’ll have to do the school run so ‘brave face’ on. Then I know DM will be distraught. God knows if DH will get in touch.

Just needed to get this out and hope someone is awake and had some advice. I need to get some sleep.

[gamerchick]

Sounds like your son has got the measure of his father with the psycho comment. That poor child is being bullied at school and at home and nobody is sticking up for him. No wonder his behaviour is escalating

Pretty much. I'm actually appalled the OP has not intention of protecting her child from this person. Welcome back indeed? He's a nasty git who shouldn't be allowed in the same room as his kids.

[Llamadog]

I think that there are quite a lot of people getting excited about lecturing and shouting here. I agree that the relationships are out of balance but unless DH was using abusive language/was a risk to your DC then your DM probably needed to stay out of it. I can’t see how she thought she was helping. Regardless of DH’s behaviour, a situation where a primary school child thinks that they have the upper hand sufficiently to refer to their parent as a “fucking psycho” is something you should consider. There would be swift consequences for that it my house - Xbox/screen bans etc. The key point I think most people miss in these scenarios is that if you chuck DH out, there will be a starting premise of 50/50 custody anyway so you will be ending your marriage (unless you actually want to in which case go ahead), for very little purpose.

[MadeForThis]

Hopefully your DH has taken some time out and realised this was all caused by his reaction to your dc.

[RowanAlong]

Sounds like your Mum has your and DC’s back. Don’t be too hard on her for telling DH he’s bullying.

[PiersPlowman]

@Llamadog

“The key point I think most people miss in these scenarios is that if you chuck DH out, there will be a starting premise of 50/50 custody anyway so you will be ending your marriage (unless you actually want to in which case go ahead), for very little purpose.“

If a man is flipping out at his kid, who is being bullied, then a) it’s better if he’s not around to compound the problem, and b) he’s unlikely to take much interest in sharing custody anyway.

[Jellybabiesforbreakfast]

I agree @MerryDecembermas. Can't stand adults who witter on about being 'disrespected'. It puts my hackles up, especially as "He disrespected me" is the usual excuse given by teenage gang members round here for attacking their rivals. Respect is earned not demanded. If you're demanding it, you've already lost it.

Yes, call out rudeness, call out misbehaviour, call out untidiness. Deal with them then and there on the spot and then move on. Bin the lectures. Children have to behave but adults aren't owed 'respect' in the sense of being treated like a household god.

[Llamadog]

On the bullying at school, how long has it been going on for? Are the school dealing effectively or is it time to look at a different school? My Dc had an issue at one point and it is incredibly difficult for all concerned. Is it worth looking at another school change? Might feel rubbish but sometimes changing bullying is like pushing water uphill. My DC had a class change but the kid is still a horror in the playground, just not AS bad.

[Llamadog]

@PiersPlowman I don’t think that’s true. Lots of significantly more abusive husbands than this DH go for shared custody and get it.

[JadedStrumpet]

The only apologising to be done here is by your husband.

He is bullying a primary aged schoolchild. Your DC will grow up with lasting emotional damage if thus continues. I could not stay in a marriage with a man who behaved like this towards my child. He is not a great dad. Great dads don't traumatise their small children. Your poor son must feel totally overwhelmed and despairing. Bullied at school and then bullied in his own home. This is how severe MH issues start.

Why are you standing by and watching your DH berate his child? Fuck respecting his parenting style. There is nothing to respect in his awful behaviour towards your child.

Your mother knows he's a bully. His mother knows he's a bully. Your.counselllor knows he's a bully.

There is not a man in this world worth sacrificing your child's well being for. Divorce him.

[WarriorN]

If a man is flipping out at his kid, who is being bullied, then a) it’s better if he’s not around to compound the problem, and b) he’s unlikely to take much interest in sharing custody anyway.

He is doing counselling and parenting courses. Not many crap men do this. No excuse for his behaviour and op needs to step up consistently and define the boundaries for all of them.

[puffylovett]

Maybe your mother standing up to your DH was a wake up call to your DH that actually he’s a bit of a dick and maybe the sulking in the car thing is his way of dealing with that and processing it. One can only hope...

[Quartz2208]

when he calls DS names for example

Hold on exactly what names does he call him.

Your poor son no wonder he is struggling with all of this. He is in a new school trying to find his feet no longer being the popular one and his parents seem locked in a battle of their own

[Bagelsandbrie]

It also doesn’t sound like anyone is really taking the bullying all that seriously- you say the school is involved but that it’s also happening at after school club. So he’s got a whole day of being bullied and then it continues after school? I would take him out of the school and look for another one. Poor kid must be absolutely broken by everything. No wonder he’s lashing out at home.

I was bullied at school and had to change school because of it. The emotional toll of it all has never left me.

[Macncheeseballs]

You mum is ace

[Bluntness100]

I’m so glad you’re not getting your mother to apologise, that would have been appalling, yout husband is a horrible bully, to all of you inc to his very young child. At least your mother has the balls to step in and deal with it.

You need to stop placating your husband. It’s not fair to stand back and let your child take it. Personally I’d not allow him back in the house unless he commits to change and apologises to everyone. And make it clear if it happens again he’s out for good.

[Clymene]

You have moved a happy popular little boy away from his school, his home and his entire life to a new place where he's being left out and bullied, not just at school but in his out of school clubs.

While I'm sure there's a very good reason you did that, he must be very angry that you've ruined his life (as he will see it). And so he's kicking off at home to the people who he holds responsible. And instead of being heard, he's being lectured and criticised by a man who feels undermined that his son is upset that his happy life has gone.

It's a very toxic dynamic.

[FuckMyLife2021]

Your DH is fucking abusive.

Your child is primary age?! Christ.

High five to your DM for pointing out what a shit he is and standing up for her grandchild

[GelfBride]

I think you have to be a lot stronger than you have become accustomed to being. You are ground down by your DH.

The situation at home doesn't work for anyone and DH isn't going to change so you have to be the one with sense and brains here and get him away from your DC.

How do you feel about him OP? Has he ground your love to dust with all this shizz? Wouldyou be happier ermanaently away from him? If so, separate. The whole issue will go away then. He can have the kids on his terms at his place and if they don't want to go - sorted!

I would never feel a shred of happiness around a man like him even with the kids out of the mix. He sounds utterly self absorbed and obnoxious.

[twilightermummy]

Your mum is only there for the week and she’s already witnessed abusive behaviour towards your son. Husband sounds horrendous. I was surprised to read that your son was only primary school age.

I think you need to do something drastic before you begin to lose your son here. Also, if he speaks to the school and tells them what his home life has become, you could have bigger problems pretty rapidly.

[Deathsquito]

I think that there are quite a lot of people getting excited about lecturing and shouting here. I agree that the relationships are out of balance but unless DH was using abusive language/was a risk to your DC then your DM probably needed to stay out of it.

I can only assume you haven’t witnessed the kind of lecture we are talking about here. One where anyone watching feels sick and has an intense desire to get the child out of that situation.

There may not be any abuse language needed, it’s the tone and the criticism aimed at a child you know it too young to deal with that level of anger. Because that’s what it is, it’s a scary kind of rage that you can see, simmering, beneath a critical tirade.

No decent person could ‘stay out of it’ and maintain a clear conscience.

[sandgrown]

I am so glad your mum had your son’s back. Please don’t make her apologise. What your DH is doing is emotional abuse. My ex ( also with depression)constantly criticised our son and thought the way to parent was to bully him into doing things. He destroyed my son’s confidence and self esteem. He hated me for taking out son’s side . Last year he attacked our son, the police were involved and eventually we left. We have very little at the moment but the change in my son is fantastic.He was depressed when we left and blamed himself. Now he is so much more relaxed and calm. My only regret is that I let it carry on for so long , even when my son wanted us to leave, because I didn’t want to break up the home. Please try and stop it now OP.

[Thegoodandbadlife]

Your poor child. It is abuse and there is know way with what you’ve said that it will be a ‘respectful’ lecture. I wish your child lived with your Mum so he got out of this abuse and actually had a place to feel safe given school isn’t. It’s such a shame your husband has managed to brainwash you so much to the point you can’t see his is abusive not just to your child but you to and controls you. Really in as ideal world that abuser would never set one foot in the house near my child and as a mother I’d do anything to protect my child and not the abuser and let him continue the abuse because it’s only going to come back to bite you when your son realises how his Mum didn’t protect him and have his back unlike your Mum. I’d make sure your husband never had contact with the child too because quite frankly there’s nothing that man could do to convince the majority of people that’s he’s safe to have that child. He only managed two weeks of being non abusive and the parenting course actually shows that your way is right and yet you let him continue his abusive ways.

[Whatamesssss]

when he calls DS names for example There is no ambiguity here, that is abusive. Why is he calling an 8 year names? That is incredibly damaging.

It should never happen. It is no wonder he called his dad a psycho, his dad taught him to call people names.

[JadedStrumpet]

The fact that you've recently moved your DC from his school and home makes your DH attitude even worse. Your poor DC must be going through hell emotionally. How can your DH not see this?

Sending a 'kind but assertive text' just isn't enough. This needs immediate action and fuck kindness. Your DH needs to be told what an arsehole he is being.

[PiersPlowman]

@WarriorN

There isn’t a training course in the world that can instil a sense of empathy. Anyone who repeatedly rants at a young child is, frankly speaking, off his or her rocker. That person should be removed from the child’s environment for as long as it is necessary for them to extract their head from their rrse.