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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this flirting??

60 replies

SLJ161086 · 20/06/2021 23:26

Colleague at work recently got quite chatty with me over work stuff and then quickly moved to personal lives (we don't work closely but have some connection). He knows I'm going through a divorce and he has a gf. He has a v dry sense of humour and often jibes / makes jokey insults, like telling me I won't be single forever cos men can be desperate and have low standards (I'm a single mum - I know that sounds awful but he's actually a really nice person, it's a definite joke). He has a gf and does openy talk about her but I sense he's flirting with me. Like saying I'll definitely get married again and would I have any more kids etc. He also joked about me being in my mid 30s (he's two years younger) and that means I'll be all about the beige undies and until I prove otherwise he firmly believes that what I'm sporting. I think the undies chat crossed a line but do you think he is flirting with me or just general jokes? For info I don't respond to the undies chat other than laugh it off and say yeah I'm Bridget Jones what can I say haha...aarggh why do unavailable men do this! Unless I am reading too much into it and it's just all jokes?

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 20/06/2021 23:30

Sounds like he doesn't know how to talk to women other than flirting and talk about underwear. Hard to tell if it's flirting really ... It would be terrible flirting if it were.
Give him a wide berth either way, he's married, why get caught up in all that drama

bonfireheart · 20/06/2021 23:31

He sounds like a creep.

Original poster
SLJ161086 · 20/06/2021 23:34

He's not a creep in person though... I didn't think anyway... maybe you a right though. I just wondered if he was sounding me out for marriage / kids again if he was unhappy in his relationship or something, because why else would you ask someone that. God I must be really bad at reading the signs...

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 20/06/2021 23:35

Is he fit?

Anordinarymum · 20/06/2021 23:36

Yeah he's flirting. If you are uncomfortable don't encourage it

peachyandkeen · 20/06/2021 23:36

Sounds like an enormous creep to me. What you've said he does and says gives me the ick to be frank.

Drivingmeupthewall · 20/06/2021 23:42

Um, did you show him your ‘undies’?

Drivingmeupthewall · 20/06/2021 23:44

and that means I'll be all about the beige undies and until I prove otherwise he firmly believes that what I'm sporting

Maybe stop showing him your pants.

I’m also not sure telling you that you won’t be single long because men are desperate, even for single mothers, sounds particularly flirtatious Confused

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 23:47

Do you fancy him OP? It’s not clear whether you like it or it makes you uncomfortable. Definitely sounds like he’s flirting, but it’s impossible to say whether it means anything or not..

WorraLiberty · 20/06/2021 23:48

@SLJ161086

He's not a creep in person though... I didn't think anyway... maybe you a right though. I just wondered if he was sounding me out for marriage / kids again if he was unhappy in his relationship or something, because why else would you ask someone that. God I must be really bad at reading the signs...
No, I think he's probably just flirting.

Read nothing more into it than that.

thefourgp · 20/06/2021 23:48

He’s flirting with you when he has a girlfriend. That shows a lack of respect for her. If you end up going through the drama of getting involved with him and splitting them up, in a years time he’ll be doing the exact same flirting with someone else and disrespecting you. Expect better for yourself. Don’t get involved with anyone who’s already in a relationship. It’s asking for trouble.

Original poster
SLJ161086 · 20/06/2021 23:53

I didn't think I liked him, and to be clear I don't in that way - he is off limits - but I do admit his sense of humour is totally up my street (aside from the undies chat which like I said I ignore or laugh off). He is a really nice generous person who has a good sense of humour, despite how it probably sounds from what I've written above. Believe me I'm not interested in unavailable men (or any men for that matter). If he was single though and made a move I probably would...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/06/2021 23:56

@SLJ161086

I didn't think I liked him, and to be clear I don't in that way - he is off limits - but I do admit his sense of humour is totally up my street (aside from the undies chat which like I said I ignore or laugh off). He is a really nice generous person who has a good sense of humour, despite how it probably sounds from what I've written above. Believe me I'm not interested in unavailable men (or any men for that matter). If he was single though and made a move I probably would...
If you're not interested, why is it going around so much in your head at nearly midnight, that you'd start an internet thread asking for opinions?

You're clearly very much interested in this unavailable man.

Iquitit · 20/06/2021 23:58

He sounds like a creep, and you sound like you're seeing the best in the situation/him because you like him.
I know that might sound a bit harsh but it sounds to me like he's seeing how much 'banter' he can get away with to suss out what you'll put up with, before he decides if you'd put up with an affair/fwb arrangement or whatever he's got in mind, but if things get heavy or he changes his mind he can claim it's all a joke and it's just him and he didn't mean anything by it.
Telling you that men get desperate 'enough' to be with a single mum is not a jokey flirty thing to say, it's letting you know where you rate in his eyes.

An ex of mine used to 'joke' when he saw women in sex scenes on the TV and say "Slut" and other lovely things, I laughed it off as a joke, until I realised that's exactly how he felt about women, about 2 years in and entrenched in a shitty relationship.
I'd steer well clear if I were you.

Ruminating2020 · 21/06/2021 00:00

It's inappropriate and intrusive.

Non creepy men do not joke about your underwear when they barely know you.

Shut it down.

Notapheasantplucker · 21/06/2021 00:01

He probably wants a shag

WorraLiberty · 21/06/2021 00:03

@Ruminating2020

It's inappropriate and intrusive.

Non creepy men do not joke about your underwear when they barely know you.

Shut it down.

Especially in the workplace!
Yokey · 21/06/2021 01:00

You like him, OP. We can't reliably tell you if he likes you too or if he's just flirtatious. Put him out your mind. If he were a promising prospect, he'd be single.

SquatBetty · 21/06/2021 06:30

Mmm actually the single mum/desperate men is borderline unpleasant rather than flirty if you ask me.

Take a step back OP, and be wary

SarahBellam · 21/06/2021 07:08

Creepy AF. If it’s flirting it’s a really letchy way of doing it. Either way, it doesn’t matter if it’s flirtinf or not because he has a girlfriend. If he’s trying to cheat on his girlfriend by ‘joking’ about your knickers then he a double creep. Don’t go there.

Nonmaquillee · 21/06/2021 07:11

He sounds creepy, immature and thick…totally inappropriate comments for the workplace. Can you pull him up on it?
As for his jibes - they’re actually nasty.

Brazilianut · 21/06/2021 07:14

Although he may be joking and knows you enjoy his sarcastic/dry jokes please stay away, you don’t need a guy like him in your life. At all.

Icecreamsoda99 · 21/06/2021 07:17

He's testing the waters. Some people love to find out if someone 'could' be available for them, doesn't mean they even want them or want to do anything with them but they need to know if it's a possibility for their own egos. He's flirting but that doesn't mean he sees you as a potential relationship, especially with the jokey insults, I wouldn't read too much into it, and I speak from experience!

Nonmaquillee · 21/06/2021 07:18

@SLJ161086

I didn't think I liked him, and to be clear I don't in that way - he is off limits - but I do admit his sense of humour is totally up my street (aside from the undies chat which like I said I ignore or laugh off). He is a really nice generous person who has a good sense of humour, despite how it probably sounds from what I've written above. Believe me I'm not interested in unavailable men (or any men for that matter). If he was single though and made a move I probably would...
Ah, I have just read this…trust me, he is NOT a “really nice person with a good sense of humour”.
MerryDecembermas · 21/06/2021 07:20

This is sexual harassment Confused

He wouldn't be saying these "jokes" to a man OP. He is taking the absolute piss because you have the nerve to exist while being female.

Report him to HR, you won't be the only woman he's done this to.