Overbearing mother in law

[Jay16ea]

I am a first time mum who’s due soon. My MIL came to visit today and told my husband she will take the baby for a few days to stay with her when it’s born (without either of us there with the baby). Bare in mind I was sat right next to her but she didn’t even look at me or acknowledge me when she said that like I don’t have a say. My response was very polite but i said ‘No, you cannot take a newborn baby’ she then looked at me in surprise as if she wasn’t expecting me to respond. She then changed her response to ‘You both bring the baby and stay at mine for a week’. Of course my partners response was no and I also said no we will have health visitors, appointments etc.

I told my husband how I felt about the whole conversation and he just said she’s joking and of course we won’t let her take the baby like that. Of course my problem isn’t the fact that she’ll be able to take my newborn but it’s more about how she thinks she can ask her son and not me (the mother of the child). Once I explained how I felt he apologised on her behalf. But I know she will always behave like this and cause stress for me.

A few months ago she said something very similar to my husband over the phone. Something in the lines of keeping the baby over at hers during the weekend. At the time his response was yes you can just to make her happy because she was upset about something. During another phone conversation she referred to my baby as ‘her baby’ which I found quite strange. My SIL also mentioned to me that ‘mum is very excited about the baby, she might steal him’. I just find it very strange for MIL to behave like this.

I feel like this is just the beginning and there will be a lot of boundary issues in future. I understand this is her first grandchild and they have every right to be a part of my babies life. But I do feel there has to be boundaries which will be very hard to set with her as she can become a very difficult person. My husband and her often get into arguments due to her overbearing personality.

I can't believe the stupid cow said a 2 day old baby was skinny as mummy not feeding him enough , but then complained about you feeding him too long! I'm sure the bitter cow must have thought you were taking longer because of what she had said. I would also suspect she hoped by going on loud enough for you to overhear that you would get angry and argue about her saying what she did as then she probably thought she could paint you as passive aggressive and have an opportunity to say lots of other sly digs while supposedly defending herself. She didn't get that though and that's a good thing as her stupid comments didn't deserve any consideration at all xxxx

OP, I'm so sorry to hear that your MIL's pig headed interference and poor behaviour, added to your husband's inability to step up to the plate with his mother, caused you such distress when you were at your most vulnerable. I'm glad to hear things are better now and the horrible woman is being kept at arm's length. I hope anyone in a similar situation takes courage from this update to be very firm with anyone who behaves in this appalling way with a new mother.

OP,

I am heading for 60 and have a few friends that did some community nursing over the years, as trained mid wives, and breastfeeding specialists.

They have told me very clearly that while some women do get PND of the full mental health breakdown type, a huge number get a version which is hugely connected to their relationship, their partners support, general support and family dynamics.

Iron levels were always the first thing they encouraged to be checked as low iron and the general tiredness can also contribute to feelings of PPD.

It is IMO completely believable that a young mum breastfeeding and exhausted, having a stressful hostile environment around her, and seeing her partner tolerate it, would trigger huge stress and PPD.

I have no doubt most women would.

I can well imagine you holding onto your anger too.

Purely for YOU and your well being, would you consider some counselling and maybe some joint counselling so you feel very heard and your husband gets to hear just how big a fxxk up he made?

I know you no longer see much of them, but he knew how difficult she was and yet he did not protect you when you were so vulnerable.

This is the key I would think to your anger.
At your most vulnerable, having given birth to his child, knowing how his mother is, he didn't have your back.

You have suffered a profound lack of trust in him, as a man, husband and a father.

His actions have damaged your relationship profoundly and you need help to move forward if you can.

Over the years friends of mine have had issues with in laws, but where the husband did not support them sufficiently, was where the real relationship damage was done.

You need support to move forward.

On a positive note, your family sound lovely.

Wishing you the very best.