Overbearing mother in law

[Jay16ea]

I am a first time mum who’s due soon. My MIL came to visit today and told my husband she will take the baby for a few days to stay with her when it’s born (without either of us there with the baby). Bare in mind I was sat right next to her but she didn’t even look at me or acknowledge me when she said that like I don’t have a say. My response was very polite but i said ‘No, you cannot take a newborn baby’ she then looked at me in surprise as if she wasn’t expecting me to respond. She then changed her response to ‘You both bring the baby and stay at mine for a week’. Of course my partners response was no and I also said no we will have health visitors, appointments etc.

I told my husband how I felt about the whole conversation and he just said she’s joking and of course we won’t let her take the baby like that. Of course my problem isn’t the fact that she’ll be able to take my newborn but it’s more about how she thinks she can ask her son and not me (the mother of the child). Once I explained how I felt he apologised on her behalf. But I know she will always behave like this and cause stress for me.

A few months ago she said something very similar to my husband over the phone. Something in the lines of keeping the baby over at hers during the weekend. At the time his response was yes you can just to make her happy because she was upset about something. During another phone conversation she referred to my baby as ‘her baby’ which I found quite strange. My SIL also mentioned to me that ‘mum is very excited about the baby, she might steal him’. I just find it very strange for MIL to behave like this.

I feel like this is just the beginning and there will be a lot of boundary issues in future. I understand this is her first grandchild and they have every right to be a part of my babies life. But I do feel there has to be boundaries which will be very hard to set with her as she can become a very difficult person. My husband and her often get into arguments due to her overbearing personality.

And totally agree with everything @billy1966 wrote

My mil has done/said similar in the past. Our relationship is strained due to it. At two days post-partum she was 'hurt' I wouldn't go around for dinner with the baby.. then tried emotional blackmail on OH and had us both upset she's also partial to a 'private' whispered conversation with OH where she passes judgement on our decisions.
she still now makes comments about our DD going to sleepover at her house (daughter is 10mo) I ignore it, she's never babysat even for an hour and definitely won't take my child overnight anytime soon!
I agree with previous posters to stick to your guns and your boundaries with what you're comfortable with.

I had one of these. Yes, you may want help down the line, but actually, not from her! Her behaviour is so inappropriate, why would you ever want to leave your baby with someone so uncaring of you?

Defo make sure DH is on board. My DP (ex) was always on MILs side and it was horrific. I'd just laugh out loud, and then turn in amazement and say, MIL, really! I know you're getting on but blimey, did you dislike your babies that much? Mine certainly won't be off gallivanting while they need their mum so much! We'll let you know. Big smile, move away.

Firmly put her in her place even if you have to be rude about it. She's the type that will not get it until you tell her exactly where her place is. Don't justify why she can't have the baby over, just tell her NO because you have said so.

@georgarina

honestly I do not trust her at all

Why is this OP? Do you feel there would be issues with her having/looking after the baby (beyond the annoyingness)?

Of course it's up to you who sees your baby and when. Amazed she wants full care of a newborn tbh!

I don’t have issues with grandparents looking after baby and helping out ‘when needed’.

It’s more condescending and rude than annoying. Her behaviour tells me that I don’t have a say in my child’s life and only DH will make decisions as she didn’t even acknowledge me when saying baby can stay over at hers.

@pilates

Op is it a cultural thing? Are you in the UK? Your husband needs to have a word ASAP.

Yes I’m from the UK but it’s definitely not cultural as my own mother is nothing like that and she has a DIL and grandchildren too.

Others have got it right in terms of having crystal clear boundaries from the start. Get your DH to be absolutely clear what is and isn't OK now. None of this 'oh but I was put on the spot' or anything. I was wondering if your MIL was excited because you're having a girl and she only has sons but you mention a SIL. One of the first comments my MIL made when they met DD was 'oh DFIL has always wanted a daughter..!' I didn't know what to say at the time but afterwards I realised she made it sound very much like FIL had now gotten his daughter!

@Howshouldibehave

A few months ago she said something very similar to my husband over the phone. Something in the lines of keeping the baby over at hers during the weekend. At the time his response was yes you can

He reported the contents of this conversation back to you afterwards and said he’s that to her that was fine?! What did you say at that point!!

I said to DH, MiL cannot be making decisions like this alone with him and not me and I find it extremely unfair. I have gone though severe HG during the first 4 months of pregnancy and she was not been very supportive so her talking like this to DH in private was just a slap on the face. I have made my feelings very clear with dh numerous times and he is aware and has agreed to talk to her if she tries to cross boundaries like that again.

@Zari29

Firmly put her in her place even if you have to be rude about it. She's the type that will not get it until you tell her exactly where her place is. Don't justify why she can't have the baby over, just tell her NO because you have said so.

The first few times she’s done this I was just taken by surprise. I know if this behaviour continues after baby’s arrival I will not be able to tolerate it which will lead to either Dh cutting her visits down or me standing up to her and firmly saying no this is my child and you need to back off.

She told your DH she was going to take the baby, you told her “no” and she accepted that and then tried to get you all there, your DH said “no” and she seemed to accept that. You say she’s overbearing generally, but does she ever do anything she’s been told “no” to? Because if not, I think you can over react to this sort of thing and make yourself more stressed and miserable than you need to be.

Obviously, I see why it’s annoying and disrespectful to you. She’s not endearing herself and I’m not suggesting you should be great friends with her. But it sounds, from what you’ve posted, that all you really need to do to manage her is make your boundaries clear (again and again, probably), it doesn’t sound like you have reason to think, even though you’ve said “no” she’s actually going to come over for a cuddle once the baby’s born and then whisk it off her house for a week, is she?

I don’t mean to minimise things, if you really do think this is a risk then you should definitely take much more stringent proportions, but if it’s just that she never directs her questions to you and makes utter bananas suggestions then you can handle that by responding anyway and rolling your eyes a lot. Which would be less stressful and lower drama than never letting the baby out of your sight in her presence or (probably) than trying to get your DH to go low/no-contact.

*precautions !

Don’t forget (after the baby comes) to use the Health Visitor and any other professionals (lactation, GP) who might be in contact with you and the baby. If you have a couple of appointments alone with them, you can say anything you want (within reason) about their advice. Be a broken record. ‘My Health Visitor was very clear that xx is not done these days, it interferes with the bond’ or ‘The GP says that my milk production requires xx and not xx for the time being.’ Hard for MIL or DH to argue with that.

If your MIL wants to be involved, throw her some tasks that support you, DH and the baby but need to be done at her place. Like researching the right (next) car seats, or doing a weekly laundry load/cooking a meal to bring over.

You are right to hold your ground, and shouldn’t have to make things up. But sadly, diplomacy can sometimes make it necessary. You’ll be too busy (and in love!) to be dealing with petty MIL tantrums in the first months!

Posters saying OP should set boundaries is all very well if MIL is reasonable. I have similar issues with my mum and boundary setting isn't easy. When I say no I get a combination of the following: suicide threats (which I have to take seriously despite her never following through), her friends contacting me repeatedly to tell me what a cruel daughter I am, accusations that I am mentally unstable and need to be medicated, just doing what I asked her not to anyway (eg turning up at my house uninvited), and more. I actually spoke to my obstetrician about my mums behaviour and her advice was to get a postnatal doula if funds permit to act as guard dog. The obstetrician was clear that if my baby is taken off me I could miss feeding cues which could affect my milk supply (if breastfeeding) and in turn could be detrimental to the baby's health.

@PurBal

Your mother is abusing you.

If she makes a suicide threat you should call the police and ask that they do a welfare check, where they will call to see if your mother is ok.
This takes the responsibility from you.
Stop answering the calls of her friends.

You are choosing to entertain your mother and have her in your life.

Others will go NC and protect their baby and themselves first.

OP,
You say you have spoken to your husband and agreed things but he doesn't sound as if he has spoken up.

When this baby arrives do not allow her visit on her own during the week.
If you do, you will ruin your mat leave.

She doesn't like you or care for you.
Her treatment of you indicates she can barely tolerate you.

If you are not absolutely ruthless with both her and your husband, they are going to ride rough shod over what you want.

Ask your mother to have a room ready at hers.

@PurBal… agree completely! Call the police every single time! You are being a dutiful daughter and staying out of it. It will stop that behaviour pretty damn quick. She will also get notes on her medical file.

I agree with Lavinia321 that you need to be assertive from the start.

I made the mistake of trying to be too polite and respectful when my mil didn't care a jot about those things, nor did she afford me any respect, nor did she afford me any sensitivity when I had just given birth. It's such a shame as I would have loved to have been close to my in laws and to have developed a good relationship with them, but my mils overbearing nature actually prevented the thing she wanted most , closeness to our DC, from happening.

Gosh, sounds alot like the issues I had and still have now dd is 10 months.

Sorry I know this is an old thread but a quick search of MIL issues brought this up

Hope things have become better in your situation 🙏

or me standing up to her and firmly saying no this is my child and you need to back off.
I think this is the way to go op. Lots of people say that you need to let your dh set the boundaries on your behalf in situations like this, but I think its much more useful to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you aren't a woman to be messed with. A dil isn't as easily emotionally manipulated as a son. In my family it's the women who run things, and we would never be as disrespectful to each other as your mil is.

Ooh, why has this come up in trending, thats embarrassing, I should have noticed the year before posting! I hope all is well now op, and that you either took out a restraining order against your mil or she turned into perfect grannie!

Of course she can’t whisk off a newborn baby to stay with her.
My question is why would she want to? 😵‍💫

Thank you all for responding. My DS is 15 months old now and I adore him ❤️I’m not going into too much details but MIL definitely proved me right 🙄I came home with DS from hospital 2 days after he was born. I asked my mum to come over as she was going to stay with us and help out as planned. DH decided to invite his parents and siblings too which I agreed on (god knows what I was thinking)

MIL came into my home acting entitled as ever. I remember SIL was holding DS and passed him over to me as he was a little fussy and as soon as I held him MIL commanded that I put him down in his bassinet as he’s sleeping and he will get spoilt. I said no it’s fine I want to hold him. She repeated I put him down again. I ignored her, excused myself and left the room with my baby.

Further into the evening, my mum and sister noticed that I hadn’t had anything to eat since they came in and advised me (lovingly) that I should eat as I was breast feeding. MIL chimes in and says yes you should eat, you can do your diet later (always ready with her snarky remarks) Amazing thing is my family came in with lots of home cooked meals they had prepared in advance despite not knowing when I will be discharged from hospital. They also got us balloons and cards, flowers etc. But my in-laws came in empty handed with literally not even a damn card!!

And guess what, we find out later that MIL came with a bag ready to stay even though we didn’t ask her too and she did not ask us if she can. Anyways I got DH to speak with her and tell her not to. And when she asked me whether she should stay I simply said you don’t need to, my mum is here.

she also made a remark while speaking to my baby ‘you’re so skinny , doesn’t your mum feed you’ This is a 2 days old newborn baby she’s speaking to who was still learning to latch on to my boob 😩 my family were trying to be polite and didn’t say anything to her. How can I forget, she came into my room at one point and said she will steal DS whilst we’re sleeping (jokingly).

She visited again a week later with DH’s brother and sister in law despite him telling his brother not to bring his mum. What really pissed me off and hurt me the most was I left them downstairs after they got to hold him and took DS in my bedroom to feed him in privacy.(he was cluster feeding) I could hear MIL constantly insisting to DH to bring baby downstairs quickly, why is she taking so long to feed etc. DH was being an absolute idiot and not shutting her up or at least telling her a baby needs to be fed. He was being so polite to her that at one occasion her came and asked when will come downstairs. My response ‘I don’t get to decide how long DS will feed for, it’s up to him and he’s quite hungry’.

a lot more happened but I’ve made this too long. She wasn’t allowed to visit after this and didn’t see her grandson for 3-4 months! I know DH wasn’t happy about that but if he can’t take action I will.

i already had the baby blues as soon as I got home from hospital but the drama his mum and family caused and my DH’s way of handling it led me to PPD. I’m not saying it’s completely because of them, as I maybe would have had PPD regardless but I was most hurt and still am due to my DH’s reactions towards his family and how he didn’t not put his foot down with his mum. Even his little sister realised they’re mum was being too much with the baby and me but it took me to breaking down into tears before my DH understood.

to this day I get teary thinking about my 4th trimester. I was robbed off of enjoying my newborn due to PPD. I blame my DH and few other people but mainly DH for not being a better husband. He has apologised and has been a good support and tries a lot harder now. and my in laws only see DS every couple of months for a few hours with both me and DH present. He doesn’t really like being held by them anyway haha

i apologise for the long read. Writing all of this just brings it all back :(. There’s so much more but I’ve made this very long as it is.
thanks everyone for reading xx

She is likely just spouting rubbish to get a rise out of you and has no intention of really trying to take your baby away from you for a weekend. She can't do that anyway and you don't even need to explain this to her, but if you wanted to you could mention that newborn babies are already contending with a scary new world and they truly want/need the reassurance of being with their mother or father or both parents together and they know their parents voices from hearing them from in the womb. Both mum and baby will be happier and healthier together and no good grandmother would want to stand in the way it that is another justification for your batty mil xxx

Oops I just saw little man is 15 months old now . Sorry I didn't realise it was an older thread but I'm going to read the update and then if needed post something a bit more relevent xxx

You know I was going to suggest in my original post that she might be a jealous or bitter mil who was wanting to try to show some kind of superiority over you with your DH. When she was saying stuff like about how your diet could wait that was to try to twist loving comments from your family into somehow evidence of something negative. With the length of feeding that was trying to put into your dp mind that you were taking an unusually long time to try to make it seem it was on purpose and she was no doubt playing on the possibility that your dp would think she would know about these things. The thing is I would definitely wonder if your hubby was not seeming to stick up for you because he knows what she is like and how she would react to it. Especially when your family were there at times . Perhaps it's his way of not giving her the satisfaction as the fact is she kept saying it over and over again about the length of time feeding took which suggests she didnt think he was convinced at all. Even him asking if you would be coming down soon could have been to make it seem he was listening to your mil but was just to fob her off and keep her quiet. You are letting yourself be angry with your dp about those times and it's a shame as she gets a little of what she wants. Not much though and your dp has supported you in keeping her away so he is taking you seriously. You've handled it best for your little boy and your family and I hope you can let your anger with your dp go in time, but it's understandable how you feel and you had a happy time marred by your mil bitterness. You are a good mother and partner so she has lost and it's her fault that her relationship with her grandson has not been as good as it could have been . Take care xxx

Oh Jay what an emotional update. I'm so sorry you had such a difficult time in those early days. PND is bloody awful. I'm glad you got through it and managed to set healthy boundaries with your in-laws.

Don't feel like you need to minimise your feelings, it's ok to still want to talk about it and work through it all, especially if you plan to have more kids. You can speak to your HV or if you can afford it, seek some private counselling.

Either way enjoy your cheeky toddler 😊