Overbearing mother in law

[Jay16ea]

I am a first time mum who’s due soon. My MIL came to visit today and told my husband she will take the baby for a few days to stay with her when it’s born (without either of us there with the baby). Bare in mind I was sat right next to her but she didn’t even look at me or acknowledge me when she said that like I don’t have a say. My response was very polite but i said ‘No, you cannot take a newborn baby’ she then looked at me in surprise as if she wasn’t expecting me to respond. She then changed her response to ‘You both bring the baby and stay at mine for a week’. Of course my partners response was no and I also said no we will have health visitors, appointments etc.

I told my husband how I felt about the whole conversation and he just said she’s joking and of course we won’t let her take the baby like that. Of course my problem isn’t the fact that she’ll be able to take my newborn but it’s more about how she thinks she can ask her son and not me (the mother of the child). Once I explained how I felt he apologised on her behalf. But I know she will always behave like this and cause stress for me.

A few months ago she said something very similar to my husband over the phone. Something in the lines of keeping the baby over at hers during the weekend. At the time his response was yes you can just to make her happy because she was upset about something. During another phone conversation she referred to my baby as ‘her baby’ which I found quite strange. My SIL also mentioned to me that ‘mum is very excited about the baby, she might steal him’. I just find it very strange for MIL to behave like this.

I feel like this is just the beginning and there will be a lot of boundary issues in future. I understand this is her first grandchild and they have every right to be a part of my babies life. But I do feel there has to be boundaries which will be very hard to set with her as she can become a very difficult person. My husband and her often get into arguments due to her overbearing personality.

Mine was the same. She told my sibling that she would take my baby to look after so I could go back to work. She literally lives on the other side of the world. Thankfully my brother told her I wasn't going to go for that. I was pretty angry at her when I heard about her wonderful plan. As it happened, my DH has become a SAHD so I could go back to work!

To be fair, when she was a child she lived with her grandmother and was very close to her. In her case it's probably cultural and not unusual. But it made me very wary of her, that she thought it was ok to make these plans for us.

I am a grandparent. I know I have NO ACTUAL RIGHTS to see my DGC. I see my DGC with their PARENT'S consent.

Keep that in mind, OP. Your MIL can see your DC with your consent.

It is not up to her to decide when and how long.

@Soubriquet
If you aren’t, it might be an idea to give it a go because then your dh has to say no because baby needs you for food
She doesn’t need to BF if she doesn’t want to, just to keep her MIL away, she just needs to say no.

Are you planning on breastfeeding? I recommend at least 2 years...

Do not give her an inch op...
As in no unsupervised time for a bloody good while. 5 years maybe.
She will abuse your trust I strongly suspect..

Op is it a cultural thing? Are you in the UK? Your husband needs to have a word ASAP.

Nip it in the bud, my ex mother in law almost claimed my first born daughter as her own. Turning up at my house and opening the door with a key my ex husband gave her whenever she wanted . You have to politely tell her to back off as I had a living hell with the woman !

My MIL was like this and it ruined the first year of my babies life for me. Firm boundaries are needed. Your DH needs to have a word. I find some first time grandparents don't know how to act with their grandchildren, but they do find their groove eventually. It must be difficult as you never stop seeing your children and children and then a baby comes into the equation and confused matters further.

She does sound overbearing and agree she needs boundaries. What she has suggested is crazy! But if you can fast forward a few years I am confident this will be less of an issue as babies bring out the worst in people, they are so adorable!! Just think how handy having a doting mil will be for babysitting and sleepovers in the future. I would love to have that set up as it’s hard constantly parenting without a break. But stay strong...and kind for now.

Absolutely set the boundaries now!

Giving her the benefit of the doubt she might just be getting overexcited at the thought of the new grandchild but trying to take a tiny baby on their own for a week sounds very over the top.

And I agree with an above post about even sitting down with your husband and writing a few do’s and dont’s so there is no confusion.

The problem I have with my husband is he never says no to his Mum and then I’m always the bad guy when I say no to her unreasonable ideas.

You have a LONG WAY to go OP. Long way!

Your DH needs to polish his spine and stop doing ridiculous things to make her happy. My MIL/DH played this shit on my for years. Mil is dead and DH sleeps in the guest room forever. Tell your husband there is nothing attractive about a man without a shiny spine.

In my experience, it is just the beginning.
Mines only 5 weeks now but the other day PILs were here and DS fussing so I'm trying to settle him. He gets stuck between hungry and needing a poo so I have to jump between feeding, winding and massaging. She couldn't do it, her hands aren't good, she can barely hold him, if he squirmed in her arms she'd drop him. But she asked when she was going to hold him. I told her he needed settling, she said she could do it, I said he needs mummy. Not two minutes later, while I'm still settling him, she calls DH over and asks him to give her DS. My baby, currently in my arms, she actually asked my husband to take him off me and give him to her. Thank fuck he told her no or it'd have been WW3, because I was not handing him over.

Just keep saying no, whether she asks you or him. You're his mum, you don't have to give your child to anyone. It's been really hard having people wanting my baby, it's really important for you not to do anything you're not comfortable with.

A few months ago she said something very similar to my husband over the phone. Something in the lines of keeping the baby over at hers during the weekend. At the time his response was yes you can

He reported the contents of this conversation back to you afterwards and said he’s that to her that was fine?! What did you say at that point!!

If your MIL wants to "help" by taking the baby, have a list of suggestions ready that really are useful ways of helping.
"No MIL, we (make.sure to us WE) don't want you to have the baby overnight to help us but if you were able to do that laundry, that would be brilliant"
"no MIL, I don't need any help to settle the baby, but I'd LOVE a cup of tea"

@Classicbrunette

I’d get your mum involved as much as possible and push MIL out. Is your mum or MIL retired ? How far away is she compared to mil ?

Jesus don’t do this OP! One way to make a bad situation 10x worse

As others have said absolutely set boundaries with everyone - make it known it is you and your DH baby and so what you say goes. You and your DH need to be aligned on all of this

But whatever you do don’t start playing games by pushing people out just to be nasty

I’m planning on having my mum around for a few days for postpartum support etc. I know this will get my MIL more jealous as she’s that type.

Don't even entertain any complaints about this. Just shut it down. There are always those who think that it's all about equal "viewings" of the baby and seem to completely forget that there's also a mother who needs care and consideration. If you want help and support FOR YOU after you give birth, you are perfectly within your rights to have whoever you want provide this. It doesn't come with an obligation to allow equal access to anyone else who wants it. I've seen threads in the past where people have told new mothers that they were unfair to have their own mums as birthing partners and not allow MIL to also attend the delivery. Bloody bonkers. Mums are individual people with needs that are separate from their babies and they should be able to access support without an obligation to "even things up" in order to appease an overbearing, unkind MIL.

She's probably just excited, I'd decide on a line and keep repeating it. Go with something like ' You're welcome to come and visit us but we'll be staying at home for the first few weeks to get used to our new family'.

If she mentions staying over just say he's far too young and don't give anymore discussion.

@IWantT0BreakFree
I've seen threads in the past where people have told new mothers that they were unfair to have their own mums as birthing partners and not allow MIL to also attend the delivery. Bloody bonkers.
Totally agree with this. It’s not just about the baby, it’s about you as an individual, so if you want your Mum there and helping, that’s absolutely ok.

My Mum was the first to visit both my children and helped me in the days afterwards. There is no way I’d have wanted my MIL anywhere near me. She tried very much to be like your MIL, but was told in no uncertain terms that this was not going to happen. She sulked and caused issues over it for years, but it was her loss as she now hasn’t seen her grandsons for many years as they want nothing to do with her.

She needs to get a doll if she wants to play mummy.
My neighbour decorated a bedroom for each of her GC when they were born and went on about how she was going to have them every single weekend. She was a fairly absent parent and I think saw it as a chance to do it again.
The eldest is 12. They’ve almost never stayed. She’s actually awful with them and can’t control them because she won’t tell them off. She was allowed to have one of them overnight when they were quite small (under a year) and tried to make them sleep in her bed (they were both up all night). I remember her telling me her DIL told her off as they were a good sleeper in their own bed and no need to be in hers and it wasn’t safe, but she had wanted to sleep ‘holding the baby’.
Shut it down I say.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you! Yes set boundaries about having the baby when it's newborn, but tell MIL how excited you are for her to have the baby when it's older over night, imagine having every other Saturday night for just you and dh ect.

There's a lot of posts on here from people with slightly older dc feeling sad and resentful they don't have family help, the way to get family help is to give family a chance to bond with baby and want to have time with baby.

Your dh needs to grow a pair and tell her to back off.

Your Mother in Law does sound overbearing, and boundaries need to be put in place.
I would have your Mother to help you but equally I would not shut your MIL out.
Your husband could also talk to her directly about her manners as talking just to him was uncalled for.

Make your midwifery team aware of her behaviours so they can support you through this too.

My mil had 3 boys and she was desperate for us to have a girl. She used to joke she would steal the baby if it was a girl. The reality was she couldn't give a shit!

You have a real husband problem that you need to sit down and address very clearly.

This is only going to get a LOT worse and will completely spoil your precious early months and puts you at risk of being very stressed.

Tell your husband to STOP increasing contact with this woman.

Do NOT entertain her visiting you without your husband present.
No weekday visits.

Prime your mother carefully about your concerns.

Tell your husband that if he does NOT support you, you will go and stay for and extended period with your family.

Several years ago my friends younger sister was in a very similar situation and was neither being listened to nor respected by her husband who was humouring his mother.

She packed her bags and moved home.
She would not return.
He of course travelled several hours to her home to ask her to return.
He had to do that for several weekends before she was convinced he got it.

They moved closer to her family within two years.
Don't be silent and passive about this, because you will become resentful and it will really damage your marriage.

Spell it out to him NOW before the baby arrives and tell him that their will be consequences if he doesn't support you and your baby.

Spelling things out BEFOREHAND is always better.
When the baby arrives you will be tired.

Get those boundaries in place with your MIL and your husband.

Good luck.

Nip it in the bud. Preferably in front of your husband and mil:
Mil I am really touched by how excited you are about the baby arriving. I was very concerned about you thinking of taking the baby to stay with you. I wanted to make clear that you will not be taking the baby away from me at any time without my permission and it makes me very uncomfortable when you suggest things like that.

Bloody hell, and you are still seeing that woman? You are a saint.

I wouldn't invite her to see the new baby until I am fully recovered for a start. If she doesn't respect boundaries, you don't need time to recover and settle in your own home.

in normal times, I would suggest having her in hospital after the birth, but you are not allowed nowadays (makes sense, there are visitor hours and she can be kicked out if she becomes a pain).

I would have a very frank discussion with my DH and be very clear I would not put up with her and would not accept her in my home until she backs down and respect me.