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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She said she would abandon her kids to punish her husband.

61 replies

Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:03

A family member has just been through a divorce resulting in the mother leaving her children to husband and saying she wants a new life.

We were talking about this with my auntie who said she did good. I would do the same to punish my husband as then he will have to take care of kids and work. This really really infuriated me! We ended up arguing as I called her out on choosing to actually punish her own kids just to teach her husband a lesson. Said much worse and then she accused me of mum shaming saying I cannot judge her parenting.

I'm so so annoyed that someone can think life that. For a small backstory she is always quite cold and sometimes rude to her children. Doesn't have a good relationship with her husband and seems to take out her anger on her kids.

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed with her statement?

OP posts:
Undertheoldlindentree · 19/06/2021 20:13

Don't think it's worth arguing with someone like that. I would ignore the aunt but may we offer help to the family member remaining with the children...a listening ear, days out, invite the children over so they have a couple of hours free etc. It all helps greatly and by being friendly to them, you'll improve things for the children too.

Undertheoldlindentree · 19/06/2021 20:14

May we = maybe!

User112 · 19/06/2021 20:15

It’s apparently ok for thousands of men to do that! It’s somehow just pricking you that the woman is not doing majority of parenting!

Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:16

@Undertheoldlindentree

Don't think it's worth arguing with someone like that. I would ignore the aunt but may we offer help to the family member remaining with the children...a listening ear, days out, invite the children over so they have a couple of hours free etc. It all helps greatly and by being friendly to them, you'll improve things for the children too.
Sadly he lives in a different city or I would happily help out and have the kids over
OP posts:
stairgates · 19/06/2021 20:16

The husband and kids may be happier without them?

stairgates · 19/06/2021 20:16

them=her

FuckUcuntychops · 19/06/2021 20:17

She sounds very harsh but I kind of get the fantasy of seeing a lazy husband having to juggle everything that you do single handedly. I wouldn’t do it because like you I know the children would suffer but it’s a nice mind movie!

Aprilx · 19/06/2021 20:17

For heavens sake it was a hypothetical conversation, why would you get so riled up about it, she hasn’t done anything.

ivfgottwins · 19/06/2021 20:17

Well lots of men do it 🤷‍♀️ is it just so much more unpalatable to you because it's a mother doing the leaving?

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2021 20:18

@Aprilx

For heavens sake it was a hypothetical conversation, why would you get so riled up about it, she hasn’t done anything.
This ^^

It's beyond weird to get so riled up about a hypothetical situation, you take to the internet about it.

CallMeNutribullet · 19/06/2021 20:21

Men do it every day, see their kids every other weekend and are called a great dad.

Stigofthedump40 · 19/06/2021 20:23

Men do this all the time.. what is the difference? Equally some men make much better parents than women!

Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:23

She meant abandon - never see her own children again. And she was serious.

The other family member who left her kids said she wouldn't be able to juggle work and children and so have her kids to her ex. The aunt in question says she would do the same simply to punish the ex

OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:24

It's the same for me if a man abandons his own kids and chooses not to see them. For me my child will never be a tool used to punish someone else. My priority is DS

OP posts:
LoopTheLoops · 19/06/2021 20:24

Well tbf lots of men do the same! My ex seems to enjoy seeing me struggle, he takes great pleasure in knowing that it’s difficult and refuses to have the children to punish me.

Returnoftheowl · 19/06/2021 20:25

It's acceptable for men to do this tho, why does it rackle so much of a women (hypothetically) she's the same?

IWantT0BreakFree · 19/06/2021 20:31

It sounds like she said "good for her" not altogether seriously, but probably meant more as an acknowledgement that all too often men are able to walk away from a marriage without a care in the world leaving their children's mother to pick up all of their slack. Then you jumped down her throat and got on your high horse (about a hypothetical situation that isn't even happening), so she got defensive and doubled down on her position instead of admitting it was actually nonsense. All very juvenile tbh.

Bibidy · 19/06/2021 20:31

Yes I think you're being unreasonable to be so infuriated, given that she hasn't actually done anything at all and was merely passing comment. Who's to say what she would actually do in that scenario?

I actually don't even think it's that uncommon for a mother to make a comment like that, basically just saying she'd like to see how he'd cope if she walked out and left him with the kids. She's not actually doing it.

Also if she was saying she'd do the same as the other person then she's not actually abandoned them anyway, they just live mainly with their dad?

Bibidy · 19/06/2021 20:32

@Lora918

It's the same for me if a man abandons his own kids and chooses not to see them. For me my child will never be a tool used to punish someone else. My priority is DS
But she's not done anything?! I don't think you should let her comments upset you so much.
Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:39

@Bibidy

Yes I think you're being unreasonable to be so infuriated, given that she hasn't actually done anything at all and was merely passing comment. Who's to say what she would actually do in that scenario?

I actually don't even think it's that uncommon for a mother to make a comment like that, basically just saying she'd like to see how he'd cope if she walked out and left him with the kids. She's not actually doing it.

Also if she was saying she'd do the same as the other person then she's not actually abandoned them anyway, they just live mainly with their dad?

The other person has abandoned the kids. She wont be seeing or visiting them anymore.
OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 19/06/2021 20:42

@Lora918

She meant abandon - never see her own children again. And she was serious.

The other family member who left her kids said she wouldn't be able to juggle work and children and so have her kids to her ex. The aunt in question says she would do the same simply to punish the ex

But she hasn't "given" the kids to their dad.

You can't give someone something they 50% 'own'

It maybe better for everyone that the father has more custody days and the mum does EOW and a midweek.

But I also agree to abandon your children to teach your ex a lesson is vile. Whatever parent you are.

Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:44

The first women abandoned her children saying she wanted to start a new life and that looking after kids and juggling career was too much for her. She wont be seeing kids on weekends or special days.

And aunt said she would do the same and leave her kids with her husband to teach him a lesson - the lesson being that should he want to divorce her then he will have a tough time with the kids and his work.

It doesnt sit right with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:46

And yes what everyone said above is true - I shouldn't get so riled up about something that hasn't and hopefully wont happen! Thank you

OP posts:
upthekyber · 19/06/2021 20:46

Is it abandoning them if they are left with a parent?
I have often noticed that men "don't see their children" but women "abandon" it's a interesting uses of language.

Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:48

@upthekyber

Is it abandoning them if they are left with a parent? I have often noticed that men "don't see their children" but women "abandon" it's a interesting uses of language.
This isn't a sexist post. Men are the same for me - if they choose not to see their children again I would say they have abandoned their children. Not 'he doesn't see his children'
OP posts: